Till My Dying Day

Continuous Learning

2012-01-04T01:39:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you and yours. Very happy and grateful to God to be alive to witness this new year and I pray that all reading this will be sustained under His grace and mercy throughout this year. Remember to renew your prayer life, He will answer whenever you call. Amen.

The holiday was very relaxing in the BoKem household. Nothing really stressful. We both needed a good mind-numbing vacation and happily sank into the nothingness of the days. By the end of it though, Bo was ready to get back to work (and start making money lol) and I was ready to re-energize and re-focus. As talked about in the last post we have a loose plan for 2012 so we know each other's priorities individually and as a unit. We also sat down during the holidays to do a monthly budget in excel, so there's less tension regarding finances and saving. I'm very big on saving this year, and now with the removal of fuel subsidy, that has become even more imperative.

On to other things, one of my grand prayers when praying about Bo and I is that God should teach us how to love each other the way the other person needs to be loved. Sometimes I just shorten it to Lord teach us how to love each other. I find this is a grand prayer because it just encompasses every single challenge within a relationship, within a marriage. Both parties aren't perfect and will never be, so the remainder 20% that's not what you bargained for you've got to occupy it and love it away. That's really the big challenge. I read in one of Gary Chapman's books where he said he used to always complain about his wife NEVER shutting the drawers/cabinets in the house, which was especially upsetting since he always managed to run into it. After years of complaining about this he just realized that, well, his wife may NEVER change and if he was going to lead a happy (injury-free) life, he's going to have to learn to shut drawers/cabinets all over the house. I always remember this story because I believe it's a great attitude to have about many things, especially within a marriage. Bo is an incredible neat freak, which is great, but for some reason he never puts empty water bottles in the bin, he always leaves them hanging about the kitchen sink. This used to bother me until I just said to myself, well, he may NEVER change this so I'm going to have to resign myself to putting empty water bottles in the garbage. That's my job. I'm going to be okay with that :-)

This morning Bo says to me, I know you've been planning your birthday Asia trip for a while now, but I was looking at my calendar for work and noticed that your birth month is strategy month at work so I won't be able to take any trips during that month. See, this is where everything I've been writing on this blogpost comes together: my prayer that God teaches us each how to love each other, and Gary's advice to resign yourself to fill in the 20% that bothers you. My husband works in a very demanding industry and moreso he LOVES his job so working is something that fulfills him and I get and respect that. But I also don't desire to move my birthday trip because of his work. I told him this morning that I'd have to go by myself then or with a couple of girlfriends if they can swing it. This is obviously not what I want but while I truly understand his desire to be at work I also feel strongly about taking this trip during my birthday month not a month or two after. I'm not sure this is the best decision yet, so therefore this morning I'm humming my golden prayer in my head over and over, "God please teach me (us) how to love each other the way we need to be loved! Teach me (us) what I should do or say in this situation."

We'll see how it goes!

Season's Greetings!

2011-12-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

What did everyone do for the Christmas? The beau and I just laid low and didn't do anything funky, just cuddled and loved up on each other! It's very VERY rare that we both are not working so it was really fantastic to just have late mornings, lazy afternoons, and quiet evenings. We did go out to eat on Christmas day and it was fantastic. I love Bo's company quite a lot and was really grateful to be on a "date" with him on this special day. I think Christmas and this season in general is for family and since right now we're a family of only two it feels very odd. My entire family lives abroad and so does Bo's (except his parents who also spend Christmas abroad) so it was just us two :-) I'm not sure which traditions we're going to embark on once the family expands but at this rate we have to think of something!

Though we had agreed that we wouldn't be giving gifts this year, my husband surprised me with TWO gifts! They were absolutely fabulous and it's official that my husband spoils me. He is one of those men that wants his wife to have the finest of things, and like I've resorted to telling him these days, "I can't wait till you're wealthy because I know you will SPOIL me!" Whenever I say this, Bo just shakes his head and laughs. He loves his wife :-) I felt so special when I received the gifts I cried. I always cry when he gives me gifts, I don't know why. I just feel so incredibly lucky and undeserving of his love and affection. I remind myself that in marriage, and in our partner, we get the closest to experiencing on earth, the kind of love God feels for us. Through my husband I'm able to ponder the magnitude of God's love for me. It's amazing.

Yesterday after having breakfast, Bo and I proceeded to talk about our relationship and our plans for the upcoming year. It was quite a spontaneous conversation but I really ended up liking it so it's probably something I'll encourage for the future. Essentially each of us named 5 things we were planning/hoping for for next year and then going down the list flesh out in details what actions we would have to take to achieve those goals. Two things both Bo and I had on our lists: build a better relationship with spouse/strengthen or sweeten the relationship; get a definitive answer on children. We ended up having a long conversation on the latter which I think has brought us closer to the same page. There were loads of talking and giggling (on my part) throughout the conversation. We were seated outdoors and it was just blissful. I'm blessed. Many people say having kids is really hard because it's like having your heart outside of you, walking around. That must be incredible because I feel the same way about Bo now. This evening I told him exactly that, he responded he felt the same way and I wondered to myself if I feel this way about my husband how will I feel about a child? Can one love even more than this?

For those who think, "this is too fairytale like", I'll have you know Bo and I had a massive fight about a week and a half ago. Massive. I was depressed the entire day. Luckily for me, when Bo got back he bee-lined straight to me and asked that we talk. We talked the issue out but sometimes it's really hard to let the angry emotion go but one of the things I'm committed to challenging myself to is being able to just accept an apology or the explanation of an intent, and LET IT GO. Letting go for no absolute reason is really hard but I'm learning it. I decided to forgive my husband and just move on with life. This is how we've been able to move the pendulum back to the "mushy" mood we're in now. I think he forgives me too.

I look to him as he's sleeping beside me now and I'm truly overwhelmed by how lucky and blessed I am. Thank You God. For 2012 I pray You teach us how to love each other better. Amen.

Happy New Years in advance and thanks for reading my blog in 2011!

And We Danced

2011-12-05T04:22:00.000-08:00

If you were passing the aisles at Spar in Lekki, you may or may have not seen myself and my beau dancing to a christmas tune. I mean real dancing, hands placed on hip and neck, other hand clasped, swaying to the music. Well it was mostly Bo trying to get me to dance and me, trying not to look embarrassed in the store, in front of the milk display! :-) It was sweet though and now as I sit thinking about that I'm grinning ear to ear at the memory, and this my funny hubby!

We've been talking baby a lot lately and I think we're moving along nicely into perhaps expanding our unit soon. This morning Bo and I were having our morning talk, reluctant to get out of bed and he kisses me deeply and says, I think we should have a baby. A deep sigh on my part. He's been sounding more and more comfortable with the idea lately, and the more comfortable he sounds the more assured I am that I don't want to have them soon. I think my mind just likes playing hide and seek with me so whenever I think well, maybe...Bo is hesitant and whenever Bo's so sure of things, I'm a little more than hesitant. Either way, it's beautiful when your husband wants to have a child with you. I mean that in a purposeful way, not in a rushed, or well, we might as well, or that's what marriage is for isn't it kind of way. But in a way that he randomly says as he hugs you, imagine having our baby in the next room. Or I think I'm lucky you'll be the mother of my kids. That is coming from the heart, from abounding love, as opposed to from some sort of sense of duty. This is what we wanted and I'm so grateful to God He is faithful and answers the prayers of our heart.

I think that perhaps if I had gotten married earlier, maybe 22 or 23, perhaps I would have been more enthusiastic about baby-making or motherhood in general. Now I think I understand a little better some older women who are just reluctant to upend their lives or routine for new romances. I'm not old, but honestly, I love my relationship and I love the lives we lead now. It feels complete to me. Moreso I read about early and later motherhood/parenthood all the time, and not much of it seems appealing to me. I'm truly serious, not much of it appeal at all. I sit and talk to new mothers, used-to-it mothers, old-school mothers, and it all definitely sounds like a journey, an adventure, but it has very little draws. I mean I love children, I love all my nieces and nephews in my life and they truly light up my life, but I'm not rosy-eyed about the true reality of birthing then caring for a human being from baby to adulthood. Perhaps I know too much, read too much, and ask too much! I think many ladies think of pregnancy and though anxious, they are interested somehow or look forward somehow to the changes, I don't. Instead of wondering what if..., I'm thinking, "sigh, life's terribly unbalanced, do I haaave to? sigh again...." This is how weddings felt to me also: it's just something magical that other people do, not me. I recognize this feeling, I tried to swat it away but I'm realizing now, it was all true in the end. My wedding was nice, but it certainly wasn't earth shattering and I barely remember the entire day. It's just a day. My wedding dress lies at the bottom of a heap in a bag, I can't say I have any sentimental attachments to it. This is somehow how I feel about having kids. It's all nice and I understand how some can feel consumed by it, but I fear for me, I'm terribly neutral.

At least as of this moment. Oh I'm sure I'll go through everything, and I pray God overlooks my "silliness" but I have a feeling like everything else in my life, my wedding, my marriage, my relationship, my career, this I'm probably going to do this my way, which almost all the time, means not the way of most people.

Bo says this morning, you know there are people who are just waiting to see how we will handle it all. Those thinking, let's see them dancing in the aisles at the grocery store with a baby. Not. Gonna. Happen. He says well, it'll be the two of us, we built this relationship how we wanted it to be, and kids may change everything we know now, but it'll still be the two of us, and we'll re-build something else entirely and that's okay.

That comforts me.

Approaching 2 years...

2011-11-11T02:56:00.000-08:00

Thinking about Bo and I moving closer to our 2nd year mark. Time does fly. We've been married almost 2 years, lived together almost 3 years, dated for almost 5 years. The numbers seem completely incredulous to me. My husband is my best friend, he's my shining armour, he's my fall guy, he's my Batman and I'm his Robin. A friend asked us recently if we thought we were still in the honeymoon phase. My answer was very clear and I think she was a bit shocked by it. Almost immediately I responded that I don't think we're in the honeymoon phase any longer. Certainly I'm not. I looked over at Bo to get his own response and he agreed that he doesn't believe we're in the honeymoon phase any longer. We're in quite another phase all together. One that I'm so happy with. We both responded that what we have now is more sustainable. It doesn't sound romantic does it? However, to be very honest, it's more romantic to me than anything else.

Take for example this week. I think we've had a small tiff for the past three days over some miscommunication. There were small squabbles but there was still tension. However on all three days the presence of tension in our discussion doesn't rattle us any longer. We just take a deep breathe, listen even more carefully and speak even more even-minded. One party sees the other side or we just agree to disagree and move on with kisses laughter and hugs. I love that. We're not goo-goo eyed at each other marveling about how perfect the other person is but we're holding on tight to each other because we realize this is the only other person who knows how messed up I can be sometimes and still wants to stick around for the next moment. That's why we hold each other tighter these days. Our laughter is real, soft, and genuine.

I read somewhere recently that your husband cannot be your best friend. In the same book there are stories of wives who take summers away from their husbands, or who cultivate intimate but non-sexual relationships with people outside their marriage. It works for them I suppose but also for me, truly, my husband IS my best friend. I never get tired of his company or having him around. Our conversation NEVER gets stale or boring to me. At least not yet anyway. The other day Bo and I were watching a movie and though he sat reclining on the sofa, I sat up but throughout the movie, no matter how I shifted or he shifted, Bo's hand would somehow find it's way to the small of my back or to my thigh and just rest there. I don't think he knows this but I felt just so connected to him even then. It was so subconscious for him, I don't think he was even thinking about it - I would shift a bit, and his hand would move but the moment I settled back down, there went his hand back to the bottom of my back. Just two souls, sharing their lives, sharing their space, sharing their experiences.

I'm one of those people who believe in renewing their marriage vows frequently. I've been thinking about which milestone would be best to start this tradition. Bo knows this and just rolls his eyes at me everytime I mention it, LOL. I'm thinking our fifth year anniversary. May God keep us to see that day in joy. I have grand plans for my fifth. A new ring, a beautiful dress, and a beautiful reception with just close family and friends, outdoors somewhere. So for me I'm very happy with 2 but 5, now THAT's going to be a party!

BabyWatch: I'm afraid it's all silent on that front! I had a dream recently about when I would have my first child. In the dream my age was made very clear to me. I don't know if it was some sort of revelation we will see. Right now Bo and I are very much in a non-baby phase. Sometimes I feel we could be like this forever...

Proverbs 31 Wife/Being Submissive

2011-10-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

I admit it. Whenever I hear someone say, or read somewhere, "the Proverbs 31" wife, my eyes roll so far back into my head. Here we go. I for one thinks there are way too many "instructions" out there for the woman and not nearly enough out there for our men. This is why when I read about the 1 Timothy man here, it really did resonate with me and I agree with every single thing she wrote. Nevertheless every time I still hear that P31 woman thing, I cringe. The whole thing always remind me of this song:

Yes. Nigerians I feel especially love the P31 verses because I think it caters very nicely to our "Mommy Martyr"/"Saint Wife" way of life around these parts. All of this contributes to my cringing and eye-rolling.

Let's consider the verses if we can for a moment. First of all, it seems a bit out of place doesn't it? Out of nowhere, like it was tacked on at the last minute, or after a while. This is furthered by the fact that it's the last chapter in Proverbs. But be that as it may, I've also tried to find out more about the context and the writer. P31 is supposed to have been written of an advice of King Lemuel's mother to the King. Many biblical scholars believe that King Lemuel was the same as King Solomon. In that case, the words of P31 are Bathsheba's advice to her son. It is said that she gave this advice to Solomon after a drunken revelry in which he woke up late the next morning, and in waking him up is when Bathsheba gave him this "oracle" or advice. The context I find really illuminates the chapter. Bathsheba essentially admonishing her son over his drunkenness (and possibly womanizing) and in the same breath encouraging him to find a wife of "noble character". So although Solomon is indeed King, and a blessed one at that (1 Kings 10:23) his mother still desires him to have a hardworking wife, trustworthy, charitable, creative, etc. Or, perhaps since Solomon did have many wives, she was just admonishing him to remember the good works of his wife/wives (Pharaoh's daughter?). In the last verse it says "Give her the reward she has earned..."

So there, to me that is the context. For me, I don't want to be Martyr Wife, or Saint Mommy. I just want to be the best person I can be, which does fall in with the P31 woman, but it's not a burden or ghost or yolk that I carry about upon my shoulders. I just want to be a good person. A credit to my husband and children, one who has respect from the community because of her character, good works, and honor brought upon her by the standing of her husband "at the city gates".

Now on being submissive, for some reason many people bring that up also when they talk about the P31 woman, though being submissive is not mentioned anywhere in that chapter. It is mentioned elsewhere in the bible though. Submissive. That is also another word that whenever it creeps into conversations about marriage, my eyes do their thing again or I just cringe. I had to deal with this after I got engaged. What did I believe? and How can it be realistically actioned while still staying true to myself? I reasoned that I agree that there cannot be two masters to a ship. There can only be one master. One person who's word carries a bit more weight in family matters, one person to make the final decision: Yea or Nay. I want my husband to be the head of the household, to enjoy all the honor and respect that position brings. That can never be compromised by anybody. If that is to be so to the outside world, then that has to be so first in our home. This reasoning gave me peace. To me that's what "submit to the authority of your husband" means. I remember having this conversation with Bo when we were talking about role expectations in a marriage. I told him, you are the authority in this home, you are the head of this family, there's respect and honor in it, but there's also responsibility with it. And always remember that the power of your authority comes from my relinquishing that position to you (as directed and empowered by God, but actioned by me all the same). You must love, honor, and respect me for that act. He agreed, and honestly we've never really talked about it since then. I know my husband and I are on the same page, I know he carries me along fully in EVERY single decision, we are equal partners in every thing and every way, yet I know and he knows, that when it comes down to it, he's the decision maker, he's the trump card.

Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

2011-10-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of sad and restless. The hubster's gone off to London for about a week for work, leaving Ms. Wifey (that's me) here by my lonesome. One one hand it's nice to be able to just relax and not worrying about house chores, and just to think I can decide to do dishes at 1am if I want, bliss! But overall, I just want to run back to the airport and be in my man's arms where everything is safe, and where love resides. Recently I've found myself taking the piss where Bo is concerned, I just bury my head in his chest and behave like a kid. I don't know where it comes from but I every thing just seems to melt away when I do that and I DO feel like a carefree, happy child.

Bo & I haven't been arguing recently which always makes me weary. I mean I'm very lucky but we do get along incredibly well, for that I'll always be grateful to God. Sometimes we can go for months without any incident at all, just love love and more love. I had the flu a few days ago and was sitting in bed, just sniffling and sneezing. Bo comes up to me and says "show me how to waltz." Of course I'm thinking he's nuts, it's 10pm! He says no really, show me. Now once in a while Bo & I just either dance in our living room or in our bedroom and I've always tried to get him to do the basic waltz steps but he always looks at me as if I have five heads. So I was quite surprised when he asks if I can teach him. I get up anyway, and teach him the basic box step. Before long we're doing a very very rickety waltz, mind you, but still a kind of waltz and we're just chuckling away falling over ourselves. I felt really really happy then. It's past 10 and we're being silly in our bedroom and it's like even my body has forgotten that it's battling the flu. We have many moments like that are so special to me. The picture up there pretty much sums it up for us, dancing in our living room, me with a wide grin, or a sly smile.

Back to no arguments, is it strange for a married couple to practically go months without even a disagreement? We were out to lunch with some friends last weekend and a friend of mine exclaimed "you guys are so much alike!" It made me laugh so much because originally, we're not alike at all, or so it would seem on the surface, but perhaps we do have much more in common in terms of personality and outlook than I realized. Whatever it is, I'm happy to say my streak of re-falling in love with my husband is still alive and well. I'm thoroughly enjoying being married to the man I'm married to. I'm so blessed, when one considers what happens to others out there. Which reminds me, (boy, it seems I have a lot to say today!), I'm noticing something about myself that I can't really explain. Whenever I see a couple that seems more "couple-y" than Bo & I, or just extremely happy and in love, I start getting competitive about it, as if we're the only ones that should be that happy! Isn't it ridiculous? Like I like the reputation Bo & I have amongst our friends that we're the "IT" couple that whenever I observe a couple "threatening" our title, I get jealous. It's funny to me. I should be happy for them, instead I'm thinking, gosh, I hope Bo & I still look this cute... it's just one of those things :-)

Bo Answers! Part Two

2011-09-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've kept the second part of Bo's answers to your questions. They've been answered for some quite some time now but other things have gotten in my the way of my posting it. Either way, here it is now. I can't even remember the answers he gave but do enjoy reading!

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5. How did you know you met the one? Where there other ladies you felt could also become your potential wife before meeting /choosing Kemi? How did you know Kemi was the one for you?
a. How did your christian faith inform your interactions with Kemi? 
b. Culturally, what makes you different from the other men in your culture? Is it easy for you to go against the grain?

I don’t believe in ‘the one’. I believe that for any person, there is a small set of people with whom a marriage relationship can work. I also believe that this set probably changes over time. Were there other ladies that I felt could also be my wife? Yes, there were other friendships that I considered. Why Kemi? She was my best friend at the time when the prospect of being married started to sound ‘cool’. A little mundane perhaps but I didn’t have the ‘this is my wife’ moment.

I believe my faith informs all my friendships (I continue to pray that it does) Regarding a mate (btw I hate that expression), in my single days, when dining alone I always prayed for the person who would share the meal with me as my wife (if I got married), that God would prepare us. When I dated, the prayer would be a little more specific to the person I was dating but also with a caveat in case my wife was still out there. When I had decided on Kemi as my wife, I dropped the caveat and started praying about our life together.

What makes me different from others in my culture? I’m not sure that I’m really different. I hope I am but I fear that I’m not. I live in a deeply patriarchal society in which men really do have it all. Despite this, I try to stand against what I think is unfair and in all my dealings (within or without my marriage) I try to not be patriarchal and to treat women truly as equals. My conviction in this regard also includes speaking up whenever you see inequality anywhere but I fear in this regard I’m not doing as good a job as I should.

6. How do you feel about your wife gaining weight or having stretchmarks after having a baby? Is there pressure to lose the weight?
a. Your wife works, but would you ever want her to stay at home? Does her working affect you in anyway?

This is a hard one because I know how particular Kemi is about always being physically fit so irrespective of what I think I believe I would just have to bite my tongue when it comes to that. Also I feel part of the baby weight gain would obviously be my fault, since I’m part of it all so I just see it as part of the sacrifices we both have to make to be parents, and there are many sacrifices on both parts, and weight gain is not the biggest one. So no, I don’t think there’s pressure from me for her to loose weight because I’m sure she would already be putting herself under a lot of pressure to loose weight.

I’m not that fussed about her staying at home right now. I would hope that we can reach an understanding later on what’s best for our children especially in their earlier years but that’s a conversation I’m willing to have as it comes up since our needs and our situation may be different then. Right now her working affects me positively: money in the bank! And also negatively because her work can get highly stressful and that is something we both have to share.

7. How do you resolve conflicts?
a. Jealousy in marriages, from both sexes, is it good or bad? Also can it be dealt with & how, from your perspective?

We resolve conflicts with difficulty but ultimately by talking and talking. And it’s not always easy because sometimes you just don’t want to talk or you don’t to hear what the other person has to say. But what I’m learning is that the best results are achieved when we talk with reduced emotional hit, so when the emotions are not running high and we’ve both taken time to separate from it.

I don’t think jealousy in a relationship is good because I think it breeds mistrust and/or suspicion, which can lead to saying things that you really don’t mean. It can be dealt with sometimes but it has to be two ways, because there’s dealing with what makes the jealous party jealous, and also making sure that you don’t engage in behaviour that makes the other person jealous.

8. I always thought that guys who were always talking about sex and being very shallow about it were just immature and I sort of labeled them as the bad guys. I've recently come to find out that about 98% of all males think this way, some of them just do a better job at hiding their thoughts. Could you talk about this? Hopefully this isn't too out there for you.

This is an interesting question. I mean yes, guys have sex on the brain. But that said, depending on your relationship with the guy, he would handle it maturely or immaturely but make no mistakes about it, it’s on the brain. So whether he says it or not, he’s thinking it.

9. Your wife sounds like a hopeless romantic from her posts and someone with a lot of expectations of love and marriage as well! Honestly, are there days you feel overwhelmed and not up -to meeting up with her expectations. How do you cope with instances where you just want to be left alone and do not feel up to the “us” thing.

More often than not I do feel overwhelmed, but it is something I knew about before I got married so I prepared myself mentally for it. Yes I do get times where, not that I don’t enjoy her company I do, but there are times I want to be more mundane and not romantic even though I know Kemi likes romance. It’s all a learning process. I cope with it in a mix of ways. Sometimes I put myself through the discipline of being romantic even if I don’t feel it, and other times, I try to make up for my being unromantic by just showering her with kisses. And she loves kisses, so that helps many times. Haha.

10. What advice do you have for some of us women that are like your wife, in the sense that we crave for attention from our better half, in the reality of marriage?

There’s nothing wrong with craving attention. So don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. You just have to understand that there are some times that your other half may not be forthcoming with the attention you want in the way that you want it but you’ve got to roll with it.

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I think some of the answers are directed to me! *wink. Lol.

Re-falling in Love

2011-09-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

This is something I've mentioned before but not sure I've done a full blog post on it. You see, from my perspective, one of the best and absolute glorious things about marriage is the unexpected "re-falling in love" with your spouse. This is something I've never thought about before and certainly I don't recall anybody talking about it within my hearing. As Bo and I are steadily moving towards 2 years of marriage, there have been several instances where I've caught myself falling in love with my husband all over again. The feeling is like the first time. That moment when you look up at the other person and just realize that to you, they are just the best creation God ever created, and you're just in awe, or you just think that other person is just...the best ever! I catch myself looking at Bo with new eyes, filled with adoration anew, feeling so lucky and so blessed.

This all sounds good but the process of 're-falling in love' with your spouse is not a pretty one. I'm now in that phase and this morning started wondering, well wait a minute, what brings this feeling on? I think I experience this "re-falling" in the days, weeks, months after Bo & I have had a mid to serious disagreement/falling out/fight. About two weeks ago we experience what I would term the biggest falling out we've EVER had. There were tears, there were hours of talks, it lasted a few days, yes days (though whenever we fight we still tend to cuddle together at night, nothing should get in the way of a good cuddle! lol). There were threats of "this just isn't working out for me", oh yes, the whole she-bang. As a side note, friends are always amazed when they're hanging out with us and make a quip about how cute and perfect we are and I tell them well we had a big fight this morning. For some reason no one ever believes us! I count this as a blessing really. But continuing on with the story, it was REALLY bad. I have to say even right in the middle of one of the many outbursts during the few days of the "fight", I had promised a friend I would cater for her birthday party so I was cooking in the kitchen. Even though we were going at it as I was cooking, Bo still said "what do you need help with?" and then started to chop up veggies etc. And even though we were both upset to the point of exhaustion, I remember thanking God that we still worked together as partners and got things done. I know it sounds like we maybe were just having a little tiff when this happened, but believe me we were having the LOWEST moment in our relationship and marriage. Yet my husband rolled up his sleeves and we got to working together in accomplishing a task. This is amazing to me.

After fighting for what seemed like constantly for about 3 days, both Bo and I were just exhausted. We gave each other breaks but we were still constantly talking. Then during one of these talks, for some reason the communication finally clicked, we both felt we were being heard and we both understood each other. I had started praying fervently, fervently for God to really give me the Spirit of Forgiveness. I did share with Bo that I was struggling with letting my anger go and that I need help with that because I was ready to let it go. He just nodded his head and said he understood and hugged me. God worked in us, he really did. When you go through arguments with your spouse, for some reason we always come out feeling stronger and more melded together than ever. Like Bo & I agreed, when you share all your ups and all your downs with a single person, no one else has those very shared experiences, just you two, that's the magic of marriage, of two becoming one. You start to forget the lines that separate you two as individuals because you are now experiencing life in the same way, in the same prism. Your good days are also their good days and your bad days are also their bad days. Maybe it's the romanticism of this that creates that feeling of falling in love over again.

Last week Bo & I were visiting with a friend of our who's is single but just frustrated about relationships etc. Bo started talking to him about what he believes about relationships: communication, validating the other person, respect, etc. Everything that was coming out of his mouth sounded like such wisdom I had to actually look back at him half-amazed. My husband is SMART! I was really impressed and said out loud "see, this is why I married this man". Swoon. AND he tells me at least once a week that I'm gorgeous. Swoon. AND he still showers me with "million kisses" every single morning....SWOON. :-)

Overheard in the BoKem Household

Bit of background: while I love our flat where we live, we have been here for a few years and quite frankly I'm getting tired of it and I've been itching to move to a bigger place. Bo knows this. Also we have empty land in Ikoyi.

Bo: What do you think? So it seems we should be able to start building our own place on that land next year, but the catch is that we would have to stay in this flat for two more years {taking us to 4th quarter 2014}

Me: Well that's great hon but you know we can't have any babies in this flat.

Bo: Uhm, okay maybe just another year then. {taking us to 4th qtr 2013}.

Me: silence.

Abandoned Blog +1

2011-08-29T02:22:00.000-07:00

Have I abandoned this blog? Maybe. Maybe not. I've been extremely busy, but I know that's a familiar refrain. It really is true though. Thing is being extremely busy with work means you have to play catch up with friends and family and by the time that is done, you just don't have the time to sit, think, then compose your thoughts on the blog. I can say that I will do better but I truly don't know I'll play it by ear.

Now on to baby bumps and the biggest baby bump of them all: the Carter baby bump aka Beyonce's Bun In the Oven. I mentioned very early on in the life of this blog that Beyonce and Jayz are one of the couples that I look to and that inspires me (the other are the Obamas). I have to say when I saw her on the View a few weeks back, I said to Bo, I think this chick is preggers. He teased me because he thought I was just thinking that from the song "Countdown" in which she says "I'm trying to make us three..." Bo thinks I'm nuts. Lol. Anyway, I'd like to think I called it early. Ha. But on a serious note any and everything brings to mind my own baby watch and since Beyonce and I are reasonably agemates, the news of her expecting has got me in a conflicting mood. Everyone's having babies! Do I want one?

Last week Bo and I had a serious conversation about babywatch (yet again) and though he didn't say it, my sense is that he's not ready for a child or to be a father. I think he's one of those people who probably won't see themselves in that role until they're nearing forty. I understand that. He also mentioned he's a bit anxious or worried about the possibility of my infertility so he's not sure he wants to jump into that kettle of fish just yet. I understand this also. But I'm left thinking what is it I (ME) want? We went visiting with a friend of ours who has a 4-month old baby and she grabbed me aside and said "Let me talk to you, if you want to have kids, take it from me just do it now and get it over with, just do it. I'm so relieved I have this child now, all the weight is taken off my shoulders, I can move on with my life now. Just do it." Sigh. Now I appreciate her advise and really love her for actually giving it to me, but it's just put so much pressure on me and my thoughts. Should I just do it now and get it over with? If I'm completely honest with myself, I've never been one of those women who sees herself being someone's mother (or even wife for that matter and look how that turned out!). Bo said to me during our conversation "It's not like you can give it back when you're done" and this is so true and hit me. It's not a, "let's just try it..." kind of decision, it's yours for life. What happens when:

You don't think you're ready for a baby BUT
You're medically at risk for infertility AND
You're not getting any younger
You're almost sure if you're 50 and don't have a child you'll regret not having the experience PLUS
Your hubby is not ready (and you need him to be ready for this kind of thing)

Now some people have all kinds of clever ways to deal with point #5, let me say that I don't subscribe to any of that. I need my husband to be ready (it's just courtesy for another human being's feelings), and to be excited about it as well. So that takes care of that. However there's still the issue of everything put together.

So there's that. Thanks Beyonce for adding to baby pressure....lol. I'm really happy for her though.

Bo Answers! Part 1

2011-08-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

I've finally wrangled Bo to finish his answers. The first half Bo wrote himself, and the second half he wrote some and he dictated some to me (while he was ironing his shirt for work tomorrow!). Without much further ado, here are Bo's answers, I'm very much looking forward to the comments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. My question is does Bolaji have an accent? (I dunno why but I've always been curious as you (Kemi) come across as well cultured and you mentioned you have lived outside Nigeria for most of your life, Bolaji on the other hand hasn't, so do you encounter any problems culture wise?

‘Problems’ is a strong word but our different cultural backgrounds do throw up issues. These are usually issues regarding approach to or point of view on any given subject matter or problem. Fortunately it came up early in our relationship – by came up, I mean we both noticed how we differently saw the world and engaged with it. And because we started off talking about everything and we still do, understanding that side of Kemi is easier. I didn’t say easy, (cultural issues still come up), but we have found our rhythm.

  a. How has marriage changed you as a person and whether you feel being married has changed your relationships with other people and vice versa as women often experience this problem.

Marriage has made me a more patient person and I’m still learning. You can’t be married to a person especially one as opinionated as Kemi without learning a thing or two about patience. Paradoxically, being married has made me less patient with my relationships with other people. I attribute it partly to the short shrift that I think Kemi gives people but also the ‘safety’ of my relationship that I can run to when people piss me off.

2. I'd like to read a blog post about the many misconceptions he had about women and marriage prior to settling down and what the realities are. Also what he thinks about marriage.

I think my primary misconception about marriage was how difficult it would be. I think my parents, whose marriage I have been most influenced by, have had a good marriage and they make it seem easy. So I had always thought that marriage would be easy especially since I have a ‘relaxed’ disposition. I was wrong. The reality of marriage is hard and by hard I mean difficult - a true partnership is a constant work in progress. Sometimes when I think we get to a good place and that we can coast, I always learn differently. But it is a good kind of work and I am enjoying it J. Its early days yet, but we continue the good work.

3. I know you mentioned that there was a point in time when Bo didn't want to get married (please correct me if I'm wrong). I would just like to know what changed his mind. Was it falling in love with and growing to love you? Or did his ideas of marriage change as he grew older?

Probably the decade before I got married, I didn’t think that marriage was a) a necessary part of growing up nor b) a desirable part. I have to admit that I haven’t fully thought through why I felt this way despite what I think is the reasonably good example of my parents and other couples around me. Don’t get me wrong, I have always appreciated the upsides of a marriage relationship – companionship, etc, I just didn’t think I had to be married to get those benefits.

An issue that does come to mind is that I didn’t (and still don’t) like the dynamic in many marriages that I saw – couples settled into a way of doing things that I thought put one of the couple ‘down’ in one way or the other. This in my opinion is against my long held opinion that marriage should be a partnership in every way.

I think I became more comfortable with the idea of marriage as I grew to understand that the dynamic that I saw and disliked was each couple’s way of making the relationship work for them – a compromise they had come to about how to be married.

Now that I’m married, the challenge I see for Kemi and I in our marriage is striving for that ideal of a true partnership with the compromises we agree on to make living with another human being work, compromises that sometimes mean that a perfect partnership is not possible.

I still don’t think marriage is a necessary part of growing up, but I think my views on it have matured over the last few years. And yes, the person I’m with helped frame my views on the institution and its practical aspects.

What's his favorite thing about you and about being married? 

a. I know you once mentioned you were celibate before marriage. How did he handle it as a man (they're often seen as sex-crazed)? Does he think it enhanced your relationship? What are your views on pre-marital sex versus celibacy (by celibacy i mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity )in relationships?

b. What are the top tips you will give single ladies who have reached the marriageable age?

c. From a guy's perspective, what should women consider red flags in a guy they’re planning to settle down with?

Q: What is my favorite thing about being married? A: Waking up next to someone who has also committed to work at this relationship for life. (I think its also the scariest thing about being married). My favorite things about Kemi are her boobs. Ha! Seriously though, my favorite thing about my wife is that she’s an encourager. She naturally encourages everyone around her, not just me but also her family and friends.

About celibacy I think it’s up to the couple. My personal view is that it is a good thing even though I wasn’t throughout my premarital stage, but celibacy is much easier to follow if you never started in the first place. Do I wish I never started? Yes and No. How did I handle it as a man, the straightforward answer is cold showers. Nothing more I can say about that. I do think it enhanced our relationship because it allowed us to talk about being intimate without being intimate physically. I believe it improved our ability to communicate about sex and about intimacy. Although one could say Kemi and I already talked about everything so it only followed that we’d talk about sex as well.

Top tips to single ladies: Look for real friendships. I appreciate that this may not be so simple but I think it was (and still is) an important (if not the most important) aspect of my relationship with Kemi. Unfortunately real friendships require a lot of time, effort and some heartache to develop. Read: its damn hard to do. Maybe this is not so much a tip as a warning.

As for red flags, I think this is a hard question because when talking about someone you want to settle down with you have to think to yourself about things you can live with and things that are deal breakers. Ultimately who you want to settle down with is individual, it is you that has to decide what you can deal with and what are deal breakers. For me, I believe a guy that hits you or abuses you mentally, verbally, or physically is a big red flag. Someone women find a way to rationalize anything but if I were to generalize that would be it.

Let's Talk About Sex

2011-08-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

I was reading another blog post when this post came to me and I knew i just have to write about it. I've heard too many times too many women talk and worry about sexual compatibility and what the man is packing or how he is packing. I've seen friends dismiss very lovely men because of some perceived sexual deficiency and others who've waited worry about sexual performance after the wedding. It's no secret that I truly believe that my relationship with Bo was orchestrated by the Divine Himself and I thank God every day that we were both lucky enough to not mess things up too badly.

But I have a story to tell about our sexual history. In the beginning of our relationship Bo and I did embark on a sexual relationship. Where our story takes a wild turn is that as it became apparent that ours was a serious one, we both decided that we were going to be celibate until we were married. Those beginning times were not pretty. I would say Bo and I were not compatible sexually. Based on my experiences I wanted one thing, and based on his experiences he wanted something else. It was very VERY awkward those days. However as it became clearer to me that I was falling in love with this man, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands. We started to talk openly about our histories, anxieties, desires, wants and needs. We shared everything about what importance we place on sexual satiety and really I believe this was probably the foundation of us deciding to be celibate later on. Then I decided within myself that I was going to be patient, encouraging, and honest with this man. I wanted him to feel comfortable with me, to feel comfortable trying and failing and trying again. I wanted things to be natural and fun, and with him being a man I wanted him to own his sexuality, his feelings. I was open to learning his style and rhythm and I got over any shyness and was very open about what I liked, how, and when. I think this really helped us, my being willing to teach as it were, what it was that worked for me. So many women don't want to teach because of their shyness or for fear of being labeled. I say don't be afraid of your body and of what it is telling you. I think lastly we just decided to have fun with it, to create a safe fun haven for both of us to express ourselves and enjoy each other. If it's awkward, so be it. We'll get the hang of it eventually.

We hadn't fully learnt this lesson when we decided to go celibate. However I think I'm the loudest testament to the fact that one year and a half year into my marriage, I have the most satisfying sex life I've ever had in my life (and that's saying...well, enough). My husband truly rocks my world and I can say that confidently. Whenever I hear women say, "I can't talk to him because the sexual chemistry is not there", I always think what is that? Trust me, once you fall in love with a man, half the battle is done. Love is amazing. It is the tie that God has used to bind us together and believe me it is perfect. If the guy is a wonderful person, kind soul, thoughtful, and madly in love with you, allow yourself to be swept away in love. The sex is supposed to come later, it WILL come later, and it WILL be fabulous. Don't worry and allow yourself to fall!

PS - For those waiting for Bo's post, he's written about half of it. Honestly at this point, I'm not sure WHEN the other half is going to get written. I'll remind him tomorrow. I have to say, having read a bit of it, it's no where as colored as my writing, very much less mushy and much more methodical, practical, and straightforward. I should have expected that though.

Special Guest on the Request Line

2011-07-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've been constantly pestering Bo during the last week to write a guest post. His response is that he doesn't know what to write or he says he's still thinking about it. So this evening I tried to put a bit more pressure by saying that I've already told my blog friends he was going to blog and therefore quite a few people are already asking for his blog post. Let me relay to you all that he was shocked and then he says doesn't want to let anyone down. He's asked me to open to floor to everyone; he wants to know:

What do you guys want me to blog about?

I asked if he'd rather want me to ask for questions so that he could answer questions and his response was:

Please ask what they think I should blog about and they can also ask questions but [emphasis mine] I won't be obligated to answer them oh.

So there you have it. Bo wants to know what you would like him to blog about as well as if you have any questions feel free to ask but he doesn't want to promise to answer.

This man of mine!

2nd Time Around

2011-07-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Things have been a bit hectic in the BoKem household. Bo switched careers and I've switched jobs, all in the last few weeks. We've been praying about this process for a little while now and it had added a bit to the stress of the last month but I'm so glad to finally see the back of it and things coming back to normal.

Right now I'm on my laptop and Bo is seated across from me on his laptop, we're both on our dining table but both engrossed in our work. It's a bit blissful. I remember when we first started dating and I think Bo out of concern for my motor mouth (ha!) said to me that he's the type of person who could be working in one room and his partner be in another room and they not speak to each other for hours. I think he was concerned that I'd be the type to always seek stimulus or attention. I'm not. I think by now he can safely agree with me. lol. I'm perfectly fine doing my own thing for a few, thank you very much!

I've noticed something recently that I've wanted to blog about. I don't know how it came about or from where it came but recently I've been feeling like I'm falling in love with my husband all over again. It sounds strange but that's truly how I've been feeling. If I were to analyze it I would say the first year of marriage for us was so eventful in terms of norming our behaviors etc., but by the time the second year was beginning things had really stabilized. Instead of disagreeing about lifestyle/living issues we were now disagreeing about LIFE issues. I don't think we were ready to be as tolerant with each other as we had been in the past. So we went through that short period but out of that period I feel like I'm just now truly melding with my husband into one unit. I'm excited at the prospect of how it would be like after 50 years if this is how it feels like in the second year! The old Kemi is growing into 1/2 BoKem. One would think this comes naturally but I'm now learning and experiencing that it doesn't. It's in the little things that I notice. We now think more alike than we ever did before. We now share more of the same principles than we ever did before, we now can communicate almost seamlessly. A truly "us against the world" kind of bond is really starting to develop between us. I can only imagine that after 25 years, all the experiences we've been on together and all the decisions we've made together, and just the sheer amount of life we've LIVED together, is going to make it pretty difficult to know where one thread ends and the other begins. This is amazing to me.

I think so this is how these things grow that by the time our children our adults all they will know is ONE family unit, and they would think "Mom & Dad have always been this way". This is amazing to me. And for me as a Christian woman to think all perfect gift is from God, I'm just in awe at how he's designed us human beings so perfectly from our curiosity as teenagers, our need for companionship as adults, our desire to join with another human being, and the creation of a complete family unit out of thin air. Amazing. As an aside, from my devotional today my lesson is this: God has a plan for everybody and that plan is perfect. Take my word for it.

But back to my falling in love with my husband, second time around, how can you not fall in love again with a man who says when we were discussing a demand his grandfather made on us, "I would really like to satisfy his request but I'm more interested in balancing my future with my past, and hon, you're my future and he's from my past." I MEAN, how wonderful is this dude??? We ended up doing things his gran's way but it is just wonderful to know that my hubby puts me first. I couldn't help but thinking and I told him, I'm so devoted and committed to him. I really am. This man has pulled out all stops for me consistently. Not in the frivolous, easy-to-change things, but in the real stuff. He supports me and has my back consistently and thoroughly. I'm such a lucky girl. I'm just so appreciative of the wonderful man his parents raised really. It is so unexpected to be falling in love with a man you're already married to!

Baby Watch Update: Okay, so I think we're very close. More and more I'm getting closer to wanting a baby to add to our family. I'm so glad we've followed a life plan and have purposely waited (used contraceptives). This time we have with just two of us is so golden. If we had had kids any earlier our lives would have changed to revolve around them (which is not a bad thing by the way, once you're parents it's a full time job!) but I'm just so very glad for the time we've had to grow into the people we are now. I feel for Bo and I we're just that bit more ready to be parents, we are much more confident in ourselves, in our principles, in our belief system, and really in what we want our family to stand for. I'm excited! Bo brought up a point recently though, since this blog is anonymous (*wink) I won't be able to chronicle pregnancy as much as I'd like. Good point. So as an aside, the whole baby dates/pregnancy reports may have to be a few months off, or in. Hmmm....maybe I'm already there (would certainly explain the absence wouldn't it?) :-)

PS - I'm trying to convince Bo to do a guest post. Let's see how that works out shall we?

In Defense Of...

2011-06-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

I read a terrible story today that touched my heart. A young lady who was married 2 years ago, has a daughter, was brutally murdered by her husband last week. This horrible monster, stabbed his wife, mutilated her, and by all counts tried to cover his tracks by dismembering her. This is gory, and just plain devilish. May her soul rest in peace, and may the Lord have mercy on her. I think about the fact that this young lady could have easily been a reader of this blog and I'm saddened.

However the reason for this post is not to just share my condolences but to talk about the way in which I came to hear of this story. Someone somewhere wrote about this story and understandably tied the tragedy in with "marriage people". I understand the intention and stemming from reports that this particular marriage had had a history of violence and physical abuse, I get it. Nonetheless, my reaction is to say wait a minute, not all marriage is bad. It saddens me to see something that enriches my life so much is the subject of hurt, pain, and in this case death for someone else. It is not marriage that caused this tragedy, it is uncontrollable anger. It is our societal policy of "need-to-know". Our dogmatic attitudes. Our penchance to revel in secrecy. Don't ask, don't tell. All these things are not planted solely in a marriage, they can be planted in any relationship we find ourselves in. So whether in platonic, business, or romantic relationships I think it's important we always check that we are staying true to who we are and be that person unapologetically.

I wanted to defend marriage today. It is an institution made up of two individuals. Sometimes despite our best efforts the other person just refuses to change, or to grow together. Sometimes despite our best intentions we just don't know what to do or where to go. Or worse still, we realize all too late that we've made an error. We're all human beings and are prone to making judgements in error. However, when God's grace does shine and you're lucky enough to tie yourself to the partner God provides for you, then it can be sweet, and loving, and challenging, and warm. I've heard some ladies say, "80% of married women settled [for less that is]" I'm a married woman and I settled for honesty, kindness, self-control, thoughtfulness, and sense of responsibility. That's what I settled for. If we really all sit down and decide for ourselves what it is that we want to settle for, and let it be positive non-physical attributes, then we're a good way to forming a partnership with someone who's stable, kind-hearted, and has respect for self-control.

This post is not to say "you can avoid a physically abusive relationship", no, but to say that because it IS possible to have a sweet loving and kind marriage, we should really all think about what qualities have to be present in both parties to have this and don't settle for less than those. Be aware that bad things to do happen, and no one is immune. Fortify yourself. But remember that good things can happen as well, and can happen for you. Prepare yourself.

Blissful

2011-06-20T04:04:00.000-07:00

This weekend was amazing.

Bo & I have been going through a rough patch lately. It's a bit hard to describe. When you're one your own and you're having a bad day or having a bad week, you can easily just say to someone, I'm having a bad day and need a drink. But what do you call it when a couple as one entity is having a bad day or a bad week? Either way, that's what we've been having lately. I think we're getting to a very interesting point in our relationship. The excitement of an impending wedding, the excitement of a new marriage, and all of that is wearing off. Now we're just left with us. Which can be incredibly terrifying and incredibly freeing in bits. In the last few weeks I've lost two close friends and gone through a challenging incident at work, and Bo has been dealing with what I can best describe also as a challenging episode at work (to say the least, I really want to say drama). It got so bad that Bo just wanted to walk away from it all. Which is actually fine by me in theory but then we had to think about how we were going to cope with the immediate loss of his salary which is really a sizeable chunk of our household income. I wanted him to leave too so that wasn't the problem. It was just in the midst of everything we both became over worry-ers and after you've shared and communicated your anxieties so much you start to internalize them rather than risk the other person going into a depressive mode.

So it's been challenging. I think by last week though, we just both broke out and CHOSE to not be bogged down about everything happening around us. I think we were just tired of constantly carrying the weight on our shoulders. One of my favorite things about our lives together is the talks we have together in bed on saturday mornings (and some weekday mornings). We'll talk a bit, play around in bed a bit, then talk a bit more. These moments are so very precious to me because I truly believe they keep us connected. We just chatted and decided that things were a bit too heavy lately and we wanted to be fun and lighthearted. So we decided to just take things as they come, whatever they may be, and be lighthearted about it. It worked wonders! All of a sudden we were back to our normal selves. Last week was great but this weekend was just fabulous.

Our friends were getting married on Saturday in Abeokuta so we packed our road trip regulars (snacks, music, gum) and headed out. It was so nice to be able to reconnect on this trip. We laughed and joked. My husband is so funny! I had to keep telling him over and over again that I love his sense of humor. He can make me crack up like no other person. Every time I told him I loved his sense of humor, he would smile a wicked grin and I mentally reminded myself that I needed to compliment my husband more often. That's something I did quite a bit in the months after our marriage but has somehow fallen off. So throughout the weekend whenever he did or said something that I liked or loved about him, I would tell him. His reaction every single time was very much worth it. Sometimes in the midst of everything we do we forget to just say, "I love your smile" or "You're a fabulous husband and you add so much meaning to my life". It's the truth. At the wedding we took a picture and I didn't like it but Bo turned to me with this shocked/confused look on his face and said "You look so beautiful". Instantly I felt better because I reminded myself that I had a husband who tells me I'm beautiful regularly. I mean, how lucky am I really?

Just the friday before Bo & I had gone to a houseparty. I stepped away from a conversation we were having with friends to join another friend. By the time I came back, Bo had also left that conversation. Immediately the two ladies started telling me of how much my husband must love me as he couldn't stop gushing about me and about our wedding. I was actually shocked because Bo never gushes about the wedding, I do! Both girls were told me repeatedly "Nah, girl, he was gushing, we could see the love in his eyes as he was talking about you, he loves you so much." I couldn't help but blush. This guy is pretty special.

This Sunday we went to a friend's house and just hung out with him and a few other friends for a while but Bo & I could barely keep our paws from each other. Just him being there and being around makes me so happy and gives me such a sense of wellbeing and security. Anybody that saw us yesterday would not have believed that we are going through such difficult times in terms of what life is throwing at us: death, work drama, repayment of student loans (ha!), etc. I am very proud of us and how we were able to come back to the center of joy for both of us, and that is our relationship and each other's presence.

PS - Bo ended up NOT quitting and things have been resolved which really is a testimony of God's Grace in our lives.

Baby Update: Bo & I had a rather unexpected talk about our timeline for baby and I'm pretty sure we've moved the TTC date plan up by a few months. I think the birth of one of our close friend's baby has added a bit more pressure to us both than we care to admit. I have to say though that immediately the next morning, I thought about it all again and got unready again. I actually REALLY like the way we live now. I'm not sure why we should willingly add another dimension to it. As of now I don't feel like something's missing but whenever I think of having a baby it's more of the line of thinking of "let me just do it now and get it over with, get everyone off my back" and somehow I don't think that's a good reasoning or environment to push TTC. I want my child to be conceived out of complete love and longing not out of pressure and irrational thinking. Keep your ears to the ground!

Overheard in the BoKem Household

2011-06-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

Might be a bit of a TMI but all the same:

ME: Bo, please can you feel this area of my boobs? They feel kinda weird.

BO: (easily obliging) No they feel normal babe

ME: I'm serious, don't they feel odd?

BO: Nope. And I would be the one to know wouldn't I?

ME: (giving him a side eye) Smh.

Strange but it does feel kind of nice to have someone who knows you inside out who can have this conversation with you and then carry on with whatever they were doing before. I love it!

Crawling Exes

2011-05-31T04:29:00.000-07:00

Long before I met Bo, I met Segun. Segun is the son of a family friend but I didn't really meet him until 2002. For some reason when I met him I just decided at my young ripe age then (ha!) that I was going to marry Segun. It was just meant to be and that was that. He wasn't particularly handsome or charming or whatever. In fact he was a bit of a personality and difficult at best. No matter, I started crushing on him from that very first meeting. I'm not sure it was an emotional thing but for some reason in my head, I thought, he and I would make a good match so I set about making it happen. We exchanged numbers and spoke very sparingly over the next few years. Our conversations were always very awkward, mostly it was almost like a young girl crushing on an older guy, and being thoroughly self-conscious throughout the whole thing kinda thing. Very odd. No matter, I was determined I would crack it, and we would still end up married somehow. I was so serious about this I had written his my name with his last name in my address book at the time, AND written his name and my name in my bible with the year I was thinking we WOULD get married. Yes, I was nutters. Absolutely nothing had happened between us at this point. Just a few awkward conversations on the phone.

Around 2003, I ended up having to travel to the state Segun lived in for work. Unfortunately the client had made an error in booking everything and I was a bit stranded, so I called Segun and ended up at his house. This was his family house, and his mom and siblings were around. After dinner Segun & I went downstairs to the basement but I think the attraction there was quite strong etc, and we finally ended up in a very heated makeout session. However it didn't get any further really than just kissing, of course his family was around and I ended up sleeping in the guest room quite far from any Segun danger :-) So that was it, right? We actually didn't keep up much after that. One or two phone calls maybe. Our conversations were still largely short and awkward.

About a year later, Segun moves to the same city I was living in and I think we both set out to maybe get a bit closer. I visited with him a couple of times (definitely the crush was very much MORE from my side than his), met his best friends and his other siblings briefly and that was that. Just as things were really getting heated up, Segun mentions that he has issues with our families being so close etc., and for some reason at that point I just gave him a look. I mean this is a man I'd been crushing on for AGES and here he is giving me the most simple of excuses. I decided that was that. I certainly wasn't going to put myself out there for him any longer and if indeed anything was going to happen then the ball was now COMPLETELY in his court. I walked away completely from the quasi-relationship (eyeroll) and didn't look back. He also didn't make an effort to call me or whatever. Great. I thought.

Fast forward to a week after my wedding, guess who calls me? I mean he actually picked up the phone and called ME? I was surprised and shocked. But okay, whatever. He calls me several times in that first week. And then I would run into him here and there, and magically Segun was now a more attentive nicer person to me. I mean the awkwardness and nonchalance on his part in our conversations were now GONE. I raised an eyebrow but left it. Then he calls me one night at MIDNIGHT to say he needed my help with a document could I help him proofread it, etc., he really needed my help. I said no and he went on about how he wouldn't let me down if the shoe was on the other foot and it was for work etc. This is when things started to go off in my head and I told Bolaji about my uneasiness with this "friendship" We decided to shrug it off. By now I was receiving blackberry pings very often from Segun, comments on every thing I say etc. Then last week he called me to ask if I could order something for him with my credit card. I agreed and went ahead, only for him to keep postponing pick up and payment time from me. Then he starts calling me frequently or apologizing and asking me to call him back. I mean what is THIS? So last week Bo finally said enough is enough. He's not comfortable with the guy and he thinks Segun's just trying to get my goose, to get me going. We sat down and really had a chat about this. I had to tell Bo that if he was uncomfortable, my "friendship" with Segun wasn't actually that important at all so I'd gladly let it go.

I've since deleted him from my BlackBerry and ignore his calls. I'm just baffled at how some men are. There are some things I see clearer about my single years now than I did then. One of them being that some men are ALL and ONLY about the chase, not the follow through. It is all some sort of game. Some men that are waxing all sorts of sweet nothings in your ear right now are just doing it for the fun of the game, and I don't mean sex, because I don't think it's about that all the time. I think it's just the game for some men. So keep an eye on this and watch out. A healthy, real relationship has no drama, should make you feel more comfortable about who you are, should be a refuge from the craziness of the world, should elevate you mentally, and spiritually, should never make you feel inferior or habor any of your self-esteem issues (we all have them). I truly believe when a man is ready, and shows that he is ready to move heaven and earth for you, just because you are you, then that's the REAL one for you.

I think only when you are in this healthy, real, relationship do you start to truly appreciate how ugly (emotionally) some guys in your past are, and even worse that it's not an anomaly, but many men behave exactly the same way.

More Income, Less Money

2011-05-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

Bo and I have been having a bit of a rough time recently. We just can't seem to meet our financial needs and wants lately and a bit perplexed on how that is and how we can better arrange our finances. I think this weekend we're going to sit down and actually pull up an excel worksheet and do proper budgeting.

I tell my friends from my experiences it seems once you get married, your income increases (combined) but then it just seems you never have any money! I make a pretty decent income from my job and Bo makes twice what I make as salary. I've had my job for a few years and I was even making less when I lived alone. However as a single lady, I ALWAYS had more than enough. I travelled all across Europe and Canada and North America and Africa, and ate wherever as often as I wanted and I was quite content. Same with Bo, so how come now that we're married it just seems increasingly difficult trying to save. It's easy to say rent is the culprit but honestly from calculating it this morning when I sat in bed, our rent is not even up to one third of our combined salaries! So where is it all going?!!! I'm so perplexed.

If I were to guess I'd say we travel a lot and we do eat out occasionally as a treat. Perhaps the eating out all adds up? Traveling has been one of those things that's just a bit more complicated now. Before if I wanted to travel just saved X amount and went about my business. At the very least I'd bum off of some friends or family and would only have to worry about my flight. Now, now...first we have to double the plane ticket fees, which is a lot more effort than individually just trying to save up for a trip, then we probably have to find a hotel or B&B to stay at, and then of course, when there's two, you'd of course want to sight see and do more tourist-y things because, well, because now you have a partner. So off you go to wherever and all the while, the bill is racking up! Traveling just seems to cost a LOT more as a couple. We've already taken three leisure trips out of the country this year, a really big one is coming up as one of Bo's best friends from college is getting married in Napa (this trip costs us N800,000 in flights alone!), and we usually take a New Year's trip as well. Whew! And this is not counting some little trips we hope to go on in between: Calabar, Benin Republic. Even as I type I know we're going to have to really budget before adding any other trips. Just a few hours ago, I sent a text to Bo saying, "I'd really love to go to Turkey summer next year" and he responds, "Let's Do It!" See, this is the kind of thinking that gets us into trouble!

Apart from that we're currently experiencing some challenging times in terms of professional work and it's really interesting trying to hold everything together. I've read too many times that financial worry is the number one cause of divorce so I always try and sure that no matter what we're fighting on the same side. Yesterday Bo came back from work a little beaten down mentally and I had to really really encourage him using biblical references etc. Even this morning he was just tossing and turning in bed with worry. Men are amazing creatures, they really do get caught up in being 'the provider'. It's really important to them! Sometimes when other women talk about how much we sacrifice in a marriage I always make sure to point out that men go through very tough times as a result of being married as well. It's like they just naturally carry everything, everyone's worries, and place it firmly on their shoulders. It can't be easy. I think we're doing fine and I assure him of this all the time but he still feels this strong need to give me "the life of my dreams" as he says. There's no matter what a woman will say I think a man would still feel this way. A friend of mine who's been married for over 6 years put it this way to me, "It's not easy to bear that name husband."

Comments: I really appreciate the comments on my last post. One or two people said they thought we were basically planners on crack, lol. This is entirely possible I have to admit. I even discussed it with Bo and asked how he felt about that. I think bottom-line is, and I've mentioned on this blog before, I think we both actually are not terribly baby-crazy people so we approach having and raising children from a more pragmatic rather than an emotional point of view. Rather than just thinking we should have babies now, we're thinking "what kind of life do we want to create for our kids?" "What kind of environment do we want them to grow up in" Which may or may not be good approach but we're both are very much on the same page and I'm confident we will do what we think is best for us, and as always prayerfully consider what we think are the options in front of us.

Secondly, I'm amazed that it seems many people don't plan their families! I'm actually becoming more and more shocked about this. I'm not saying that is a bad thing but it just never occured to me that we wouldn't plan our families as best as we could! Once those babies come, they kind of have a way of controlling everything, at least for the first few years, surely, it's best to lay some plans and agree on the framework before building? Am I alone here? As an analogy and only an analogy, if you were building a house, you don't just say, right, I want a house, I've found the spot, "pour on the cement baby!" First, you draw up a blueprint, have it tweaked and approved by the team who would build the house to make sure it's structurally feasible, build a foundation, and so on, before you start. Because once they start pouring on the cement, it gets harder AND costlier, to say to everyone on the build site, "WAIT A MINUTE!" :-)

Lastly, I'm still looking for the blog I mentioned at the bottom of the last post. Please if anyone can help direct me to it, I'd be mighty grateful.

Baby Baby!

2011-05-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

Ha!

Got you!

No, not pregnant yet. :-)

I have been quite ill though. I've mentioned before that I have hormonal imbalances and sometimes that wreaks a bit of havoc around these parts. But I am feeling much better these days. Thank God. Things are pretty mellow in the BoKem household. Just a steady day-to-day ness of everything. I love that Bo and I don't fight much though so weeks can fly by without very much incidence. One thing that has brought a new dimension into things is that one of Bo's good friends, Nkem (whom I blogged about his wedding here) had a baby girl about a week ago! It is amazing to go through this journey with our friends. I've been so excited about their baby from the moment I heard she was on the way, so to finally arrive at the day where we received the call that she's finally born into this world was amazing. I love this baby already and can't wait to meet her and carry her. It was funny because Bo got a call on his phone around 4am to say that the baby was here and after hanging up, he gently nudged me because he knew I was overly excited about this and told me. I think he was excited too. We hugged and said a prayer for our friends right there and then. We've actually been praying for Sheila throughout her pregnancy so we're just grateful to God. The more we learn about pregnancy the scarier the whole thing seems to myself and Bo.

We talk about it A LOT now which I suppose it's a good thing. Some days I look forward to it but others, I wonder if it's something I REALLY want or if I'm just following convention and just want to experience the same things my friends are. I want to really want my baby, like absolutely feel it in my heart. I don't think I'm there yet. At least not for the right reasons. I have to say though I'm very proud so far of the approach Bo and I have been taking about increasing our family. We talk about it a lot like I previously mentioned. We talk about our thoughts on discipline, our plan to manage finances, we talk about education and the kind of life and lifestyle we want to create for our children. We've actually talked about specific schools we want them to go to and researched admissions, fees, etc. For example, we both agree that we want our kids to go to pre-prep and prep boarding schools abroad which start out quite young (some as young as 4, and require registration as early from birth as possible!). We also talked about how I wanted a five year gap between kids. Bo was surprised about that and said he hadn't really thought about that before and had just assumed 3, but we reasoned out and agreed on 5. When I think about the schools I want my children to go to, it truly truly focuses my mind. For us to be able to afford such schools, we definitely need to build a certain level of income/savings/investments. I'm actually very proud of us that we are thinking things through in this way. It gets us talking and keeps us running as a unit.

We are very aware that these are all just plans. Life has a funny way of happening whether one plans it that way or not. To me that's the fun part of it really. We articulate what we want for our family, pray to God, work hard, and enjoy each day as it comes. Even though we do use contraception (which seems to be odd around these parts), I always periodically check with Bo and say "what if I'm pregnant" he always responds, "well, then you are". This really makes me relaxed because I know no matter what life brings we'll just deal with it together.

On another related note: Bo & I are addicted to the show Giuliana & Bill anyone else out there watch this with their partners? Bo doesn't even watch television but he can sit and watch marathons of this stuff with me. I'm surprised. We always end up feeling very emotional after each episode. They seem to have a really strong marriage don't they?

Last unrelated note: I read one of my commenter's blogs recently where she talked about the 1 Timothy man in relation to the Proverbs 31 woman. I desperately want to find the blog again but can't seem to find it. Please if you can assist me and direct me to the url I'd really appreciate it. I really enjoyed reading the blog. Thanks.

11 Thoughts on the First Year of Marriage

2011-04-20T03:13:00.000-07:00

I thank God for his grace that he has shown me and Bo over the last year. I thank God that he picked me to share the life of such a wonderful person as Bolaji. Many say the first year is the hardest or roughest year, if that's the case then Bo and I are among the very lucky ones. The first year wasn't hard for me. I mean we had some really key disagreements and some intense moments, many of which I've recorded on this blog, but truly it is easy to live with my husband. Since we've navigated the first year fairly successfully, here are some of my thoughts and experiences within this first year:

Marry Your Best Friend. This I think is the most important lesson learned this past year. I read an article in an Oprah magazine recently where the woman exclaimed "your husband cannot be your best friend" but let me tell you, yes he can! Bo is my absolute best friend in the world. Most times it actually just feels like I'm living with my best friend and we just happen to be married. I don't mean best friend in the sense many ladies say it simply because this man is who you spend most of your time with and are devoted to, but best friend like how a kid can go to a playground, meet another kid in the sandbox and start playing with each other for the entire time and then swear they're best friends.
Never Go To Bed Angry. For me this is similar to the familiar refrain of communication. No matter how hard, awkward, difficult, or challenging it is, make sure that in your heart, you forgive yourself and your partner for your contribution to any argument. You don't have to talk it out, but in your quiet moments, make peace with it. This is an incredibly difficult challenge but it's an investment for a stronger bond and a more secure marriage. Put in the work. One thing is for sure, you cannot talk to God whilst angry, so at the very least before you sleep, try and talk to God, leaving all anger and malice behind. I've read some things on the internet that say it's good to go to bed angry, you can talk about it another day. This is not entirely true, even if you choose to forgive the other person as well as yourself before you sleep, no one says you can't still talk about the issue in the morning. Challenge yourself not to stay angry.
Loneliness. This is probably my number one realization about marriage and I wish someone had spoken candidly to me before. This is not that you'd be lonely in your relationship, no. But as a single lady you are used to talking about relationships, boyfriends, etc. Once you get married no one expects you to talk any more! This can be a hard transition as sometimes you just want to yell "aaaargh!" I deal with it by adhering to some fundamental rules of mine. I will NEVER talk badly about my husband to anybody at any time for any reason. Apart from that I've found it helpful sharing my experiences with a closed set of friends, mostly married ladies. In Nigeria we are told once we marry never to talk, I think this can lead to loneliness for many women. I think we should share experiences. Just share smartly and never say anything you can't say in front of your husband or your husband doesn't know already.
Indescribable Sense of Security. One of the best things about being married is that I feel so secure and loved ALL the time. I know my husband chose me, I know he loves me. He's not playing games and he's not going anywhere. Because of this security I feel so much peace about myself and about my future. I read this quote online somewhere yesterday and it's of a husband saying to someone else "I know my wife is wrong but I'm the only one who can tell her that"....so back off! I love all of this.
Encouragement. Just like women want security, I think men want encouragement and support. My husband dreams a mile a minute, from big dreams to not so big ones, but he has such a fervor for them all! I'm not sure there's anything more important to a man than when his wife offers words of encouragement and support. I've come to believe this is one of the key roles of a woman in marriage. Forget all the cooking and things, but if you are the pillar of encouragement in a man's life, he'll always always put you on a pedestal. If Bo comes to me tomorrow and says "Babe I want to tie a rope around the moon and bring it down to our backyard" I would say, okay what's your plan? Let's get to work!
Listen. Some of us are not very good at the listening thing. In a legendary fashion, I'm actually bad at this. However I've been committed to this part of my personality. I read somewhere that you have to always give clues to the other person that you're listening to them and value their opinion. This is especially important in an argument. I literally have to tell myself to stop. and listen. whenever Bo has something to say. Rather than interrupting to say why I think he's wrong etc., I just try and let him land, watching my body language. I relax my shoulders, tell my body to be calm and release all tension, then I look at him and nod my head to assure him I'm listening. Then I just let him finish. I think a lot of arguments escalate because many people don't know the art of just staying still. We think we're right and want to tell it to the other party right away, but listening goes a long way. If you can before you start, reiterate what the other person just said then go into your points of view.
Tough Life Decisions. Let me say, marriage matures you! Whenever I'm speaking to my just about engaged or newly affianced friends, at some point they start complaining about decisions they've had to make etc. Well, things don't get easier. As big boys and girls we now have more freedom than ever but also more responsibilities than ever and this means making those tough life decisions. The good thing is it's not just you and you have a life partner who can bring much needed laughter during such times.
True Meaning of Love. You've got to be ready to love someone wholly. This means through all their flaws and all. If you don't think you're ready for this, then you may want to wait a bit before jumping that broom. You have to honestly be able to look at your partner's crooked nose and their ability to leave their socks next to instead of IN the basket, and still love them more than anything else in the world. Now this is tough and you may never fully get the hang of it, but you have to always maintain your willingness to try. I have a friend of mine who's dating someone (waiting on a ring) but thinks he's not so hot in the bedroom. She's thinking she should end this relationship because of it. From my point of view, if you can't love someone enough to try and work through whatever issues he has sexually, then maybe you should end the relationship. It's really important to be willing to love someone through whatever issues they have. (of course this has limits like alcoholism, emotional abuse, and violence when loving that person may mean getting out of their way and getting them professional help).
Mirror Effect. Being married to someone is like holding a mirror to yourself. Your partner is your mirror and WILL reflect back to you all the good and the bad parts of your personality. This will happen no fail. I'm not sure if there's anything to be done to mitigate this, most especially because you are a mirror too, holding up the reflection of your spouse, so you have firsthand knowledge of how tough it is to handle. I will say try and be compassionate, whatever it is you're feeling chances are your spouse is feeling exactly the same way. Go easy on each other.
Tit for Tat. Never ever ever do this. It's malicious. Try and stir clear of "don't worry, i'll do the same thing to him then he'll know how it feels." This is a rule I had about marriage before even going into it. An eye for an eye makes the world go blind and this thing is just too important for me to let it all "go blind". It is so hard to do, I know, but what I do is talk it out with my hubby and tell him how I feel about that particular issue. Tit for tat breeds distrust, anger, and resentment, it won't solve any issues. It really is a challenge, but the fruits of not being malicious pays wonderful dividends.
Make Up Your Own Rules. I think this should be a cardinal direction, especially in Nigeria. This is because here, the society has very clear and concise rules for how a marriage should be and how a wife and a husband should be. Very clear. And we're unapologetic about it. Even worse so, we try and ram it down everyone's throats: you are a wife you must be like this, you are a husband you must do this. The best thing I've found being married to Bo is that we agree to live our lives exactly the way we want it and we fight to maintain our own principles as opposed to society's principles. We've always agreed that being married is not the most interesting thing about our lives or even our lives together. We don't always introduce each other as husband/wife because we feel it's nobody's business what our relationship status is so long as we're together. When we pray we pray first about our relationship, then second about our marriage, because we believe our relationship is just two of us, our marriage is everything else kids, finances, etc. and we are in a marriage because of our relationship. MANY people find this odd, I know, and I understand but that's just the way we want to live our lives. It works for us. I think everyone should talk about and decide what works for them and stick to it regardless of what ANYONE may say or think.

I can't express how much I look forward to writing my thoughts on the Fifth Year of Marriage (whether here or elsewhere who knows). I'm so excited about that. At dinner on our anniversary I asked Bo to give us a toast and he said this, "May 1 become 2, become 5, become 10, become 30, become 50 and more" and I thought that was a PERFECT toast. I can't wait!

Royal Wedding Frenzy

2011-04-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm actually ashamed of myself that I'm so obsessed with these two. I'm ashamed but then I also cut myself some slack. I've had a crush on Prince William for pretty much my entire life so it only follows that when he finally picks a lady to marry I'd be very much into it. I can't wait for it to be all over though, the frenzy is just...unnatural. I can only wish Kate goodluck because like many brides that have gone before her, after the wedding frenzy ends, you've got a marriage. And that's one tough cookie to crack.

Outside of royal watching, not much has been going on here besides work. Our anniversary came and went pretty quietly. The first part of the day crashed with me crying and accusing Bo of not taking the day seriously enough since of course he doesn't mark anything. He even worked for a bit, then went off for a skype meeting that lasted a little bit. I called him in and told him I think he's ruined our anniversary, at which point he was so surprised and said, "I'm sorry babe, let's start the day again..." then proceeded to give me the usual million kisses, asked me to get dressed, went to my favorite dinner where apparently when I was in the shower he had called ahead and asked for my favorite cake and a candle. It ended up being a really sweet and romantic day. Even now my husband is laying in the bed next to me and it's indescribable the love I feel towards him. During the dinner we both mentioned three things that have been fabulous about being married to each other so far, one of mine was security and stability. I love that I'm the most important thing to this person sleeping next to me. No more single girl games etc. I truly absolutely love that.

In all I think I learnt another lesson. My anniversary doesn't have to be like anyone else's. We should just do what feels good and natural to us and make sure that our love for each other shines through. I think I got that wrong initially. There are no hard and fast rules.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-04-03T03:30:00.000-07:00

To all those celebrating Mother's Day or Mothering Sunday today (british and british affiliated countries), HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! This one is special to me as I have a few of my friends expecting to give birth any moment soon, so I'm especially wishing them a PHENOMENAL mother's day.

We women are a gifted lot. Remember to love you!

Cry Cry Baby

2011-03-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

Very short post.

I just absolutely cried after reading this blog post from Jessica over at From Marriage to Motherhood. Especially the last line:

To my husband, whom I adore: "My greatest good fortune in a life of brilliant experiences has been to find you and to lead my life with you" - Winston Churchill

I don't know, the tears just started to flow. And not the nice, cute tears, but the big ugly face tears. I'm very hormonal right now (Aunt Flo) but still at the same time I read that and I feel so fortunate to actually be able to nod my head and know what she's talking about. In case I haven't said it nearly enough times, or in case I've somehow made it all trivial, let me say it again. My husband is the best human being I know. Not the best man, but human, that I know. He gives meaning to my life and I truly only bask in his love for me. Whenever I pray about him, I say, "well, God, you know your son...." because indeed Bo is a kind, thoughtful, generous, God-fearing, helpful, honest, hardworking, good man. Not just to me. To everybody.

Some day, years from now by the magnificent grace of God, we will hold hands and I will tell you exactly the words above. Till then, I will keep it in my heart, and every time I lift my face to yours, it will be written all over it. Till then, it will be like an unspoken promise between you and I, it will be our covenant.

Thank you God for this wonderful journey.

Weekend Bliss

2011-03-28T01:37:00.000-07:00

I had such a fantastic weekend. The hubs and I pretty much just lazied about, visited with a few friends, and generally we were relaxed the entire weekend. We're both quite tired during the week and quite busy during the weekend running errands so it was really lovely just doping around.

As I lamented in an earlier post, we haven't had a cleaner for a few months now and even though we tried cleaning the flat ourselves, I have to admit it just wasn't working. A few weeks ago we got a referral for a cleaning lady from a friend and tried her out last week. Not as phenomenal as our previous one but she was really nice and eager, and cleaned adequately well. We usually want the cleaner to come on Sundays however she was unavailable and wanted to come saturday morning at 6am. I was skeptical about this because of the early start to the day when I could be cuddling with my hubby, but trying it out this saturday I think it could just work out. Bo & I woke up at 6am to let her in, then laid in bed for another hour and a half. About 7:30 we got up and decided to watch a movie together on the couch. At about 10am, Bo decides he wants to take a nap and I decide to read, and we did this until about 1pm. A friend of ours who recently got married decided to pay us a visit so that was fun. They left at around 5 pm. Bo & I did a little bible study till about 6pm then went out to look for food. It was just blessed and glorious. Bo has been so emotional lately (I joke around that he also has hormonal issues, :-) ) so all throughout the weekend he would just randomly look at me, shake his head, and say he can't believe he's so lucky to have me as a wife. He did this SEVERAL times this weekend and I just basked in it all. I love it when he gets emotional about me, lol. One thing that I've found is that when he expresses his feelings that way, it just makes me love him more, no matter whether we're in a relationship ebb or flow. Sometimes I feel that we're in our own cocoon, in our own world that we made up and everything makes sense. To others it may seem weird that a couple who's been together for 4 years, now married, will still seat across the table at a restaurant and make googly eyes at each other, still hold hands everywhere, still act goofy around each other, still go EVERYWHERE with each other, but that's our world. We built it how we want to live in it.

This lenten season, Bolaji & I have decided to fast for the entire season. Well, we're doing a 3 days on and 1 day off thing, from 6am to 6pm. At the beginning of the season we decided 3 things we want to be specifically prayerful about and for the entire period we are even more than usual, committed to reading the word, meditating on it, and praying to God. The first Sunday of Lent, the church service talked about lenten season being one of transfiguration. I truly claim this. It's been very challenging and we've both never fasted this consistently or for this long ever so we're also learning a lot about our bodies, etc. However, I can't emphasize enough how much we're are learning about faith, and spiritual growth during this process. It's really drawn us together and we have a sincerity of purpose. Lastly, almost like magic, they things we've been praying for and about have just been coming true, unraveling one by one. This is amazing. I'm so grateful and glad that we are experiencing this together. Bolaji has even said he wants us to start fasting regularly in our lives. This process has been that good to us.

Baby Watch: While driving back from a friend's house yesterday I say to Bo, "so, I think my baby fever is definitely here..." and then I trail off. He says nothing. I asked him if he had any thoughts to what I said. He says "I always knew you would get here before me, anyway, I'm still fine with our timeline if that's what you're asking". So funny! We have a mini competition going on amongst ourselves as to who's going to break first, that is, who's going to absolutely must have a baby now, before the other. He thinks he has won, but he's got another thing coming!

Anniversary Countdown: Our first year anniversary is coming up (very) soon and I've been trying to organize my gift for Bo. The first year anniversary is supposed to be a "paper" anniversary and I've got a few ideas, but please kindly share any ideas you may have.

You Wouldn't Understand

2011-03-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

I hear this a lot more than I should. it's no secret that I went through a lot from the moment I got engaged, to the moment I actually walked down the aisle. Even up till now. I was not prepared for how much your relationships change, and this has implications for all your family and friends.

Though I was never a wedding-y type of person, I just always thought that weddings were times that families come together and love really is the order of the day. Let's just say I was very much caught off guard when it turned out that the phase when this great event was happening in my life, was also when my entire life went topsy-turvy. In the interest of not ranting on and on, I'm just writing this post on one of the aspects of my life that changed when Bo put a ring on it.

Maybe out of my naiveté also, I always read about the divide between single friends and the married lady, but for sure I thought that was something that only happened to people with strange friendships anyway. In my mind, I saw and really intuitively still see no reason why one's marital status should change the relationship between girlfriends. Either way, I resolved that I wouldn't be one of those married women who all of a sudden transform themselves into this weird creature called wife, and decide they are suddenly too good for their single girlfriends. To me, that's just ludicrous. I expected my relationships to stay the same. Then it started. I would just be chatting with a girlfriend, and they'd just dismiss whatever it is I had to say and exclaim, "well, you wouldn't understand you're married," or they'd be talking about how good men are hard to find in Nigeria and before I'd even say anything I'd hear, "Kemi, we're not talking to you, you wouldn't understand". What? Why wouldn't I understand? Did I just drop from the sky? Or was I born married? Or is it not just yesterday that I even married. It's not even like I've been married for years. This irks and bothers me to no end.

Though I never say anything.

I just keep quiet. It's a bit of a catch-22, yes I am married but I'm not going to make excuses for being married. It shouldn't matter. I firmly believe this and have proof. My best friend/MOH is nowhere near being married. She does not have a boyfriend in fact. She hasn't had one for years. Yet, she and I can talk for HOURS about everything in our lives. I can tell her about baby obsession and she can tell me about signing up for an online dating service and we laugh and laugh at the crazy things. I value her friendship so much because she's never once said to me, "you wouldn't understand, you're married". Unfortunately, she's the only one. The truth is of course I understand. Trust me, I can never forget how lucky I am to have the good man that I have. I can't forget it because I remember all too well what it's like to feel like someone's playing you, or someone's being untrue, or someone's just being a general jerk, or just generally feeling lonely. They are like badges that I've collected and pinned on my shirt. I feel like if I say I truly believe someone's too young to get married, well, that's how I feel. That's how I've always felt. Yes I'm married now, but my feelings are still valid. Right? Like if someone (who's already a mother) says to me, Kemi, you guys are newlyweds, enjoy your marriage before you bring a child into it, I'm not going to discount what they're saying and say well, "you wouldn't understand, you're a mother". This just really bothers me. I mean I have friends who have children, I don't stop talking to them, or dismiss whatever they have to say because they have children. Even if their entire day is consumed with washing onesies, sterilizing baby stuff, and pumping breastmilk, things I can never claim to understand right now. Sometimes I feel like some ladies have in their heads that when you get married, they usher you into a room, wipe your brain completely CLEAN, then hand you an apron and a broom and then release you into the world. This is not the case.

If you think like this. Stop it.

I mean, if we put the shoe on the other foot, it'll be clearer to see that this is just unfair. I never say to anybody, you wouldn't understand because you're not married. I could, oh, how I could. But I don't. I don't because it's annoying. I could say to single lady friend, "gosh, I'm so tired from having to work all day then come home and cook, but nevermind, you wouldn't understand you're single." Or any other combination therein. I don't believe that we all have to be in the same phase to understand and appreciate where the other person is coming from. Especially in this case where I've been single for twenty-something years of my life and married for not even 1 year! Just those numbers would suggest that I know a lot more about being single than about being married.

It's sad but I've started to think to myself, maybe I DO need to change the balance of my friendships to just married people. Maybe this is just one of my lala pipe dreams that reality intrudes upon. At least with my married friends, it's less drama, I'm allowed to have opinions, especially on BOTH single and married things, plus there's the maturity that comes with crossing the chasm into being a married lady.

Maybe.

I'd just like to put my thoughts out there. Yes, marriage changes how you look at life. It does. But it doesn't change life itself. After everyone's eaten the cake and danced to the band, you have the ring, you're the lady of the house. The next morning, it's Monday, and there you are. Life continues.

List Found!

2011-03-07T10:35:00.001-08:00

Bo and I were rummaging through my bags (I've still not unpacked all my bags into my now marital home) and we came across a booklet I had a few years ago, just before I met Bolaji. So we opened the notepad up and on that first page there was the list to the birthday party I was planning, also on that page at the bottom were several signatures. My signatures. Signed with the name of the gentleman who for some reason I was so sure I was going to marry. But still that's not what this blogpost is about. Smack dab in the center of the page was my "list." I've spoken about my list, the list of qualities I would like in a man that I wrote down basically because Dr. Phil told me to (in his book). I was so embarrassed the minute I realized what it was and Bo's question of what it was came. I told him what it was and as he went down the list for some reason he kept on repeating "4 years older??? 4 years older?" I'm not sure why out of everything on the list, this is what stood out to him. Here's my list:

Honest
Thoughtful
Kind
Ambitious
Sexy Smile
Spiritual
Not prone to arguments
Witty
Doest take himself too seriously
Non-judgemental
Mature
At least 4 years older
Successful
Exposure (exposed)
Not quick blooded, thinks rationally
Self-control

So that was the list. It was very interesting to go over the list and realize that my hubby actually possesses almost every single quality on this list. How did this happen? I'm not quite sure but I know for sure I got incredibly lucky. Later that day we were in the car when I asked him, how come out of everything on the list the age thing is what got his goat? He tells me that he always thought he would have to marry someone either his age or older than him, he says he never thought in a million years he was going to marry someone younger than him. In his mind then such a person would be quite "young" and immature and he was very much not into that. He didn't say much about anything else on the list. When he read, "sexy smile," he gave me a big smile and I said "you're very silly." :-)

Any baby watch update? Well, we spent the evening yesterday with my parents-in-law and some of Bo's cousins, one of which just had a beautiful baby girl. She's 7 months old. These situations just always make me feel so self-conscious because I feel that everyone's looking to us and thinking "aww, they want one" or "aww, when will you guys hurry up and make babies?" So to compensate for this I tend to not carry any babies when the parents (mine and his) are around. I don't play with the babies or anything, I just make a few comments and get on my blackberry so nobody gets any ideas. Imagine then that I had to raise an eyebrow this morning when Bolaji was getting dressed and says to me, casually might I add, "Guess what I was thinking yesterday?" He then tells me that he was thinking it would be "cool" to have a baby. After making a mental note to limit our interactions with babies in general because it obviously makes my hubby go soft :-), I tell him that from my point of view all babies are cute. It's a fact of life. What's not cute is the story his cousin was telling us of how said baby recently changed sleeping patterns and now keeps them up till 2:30 in the morning by jabbing their noses etc. Bolaji sighs, and says "oh yea, that's not cool." I think I've bought myself more time, score! This is how it is now in the BoKem household. I'm truly wondering how long it will be before we cave. Have I mentioned that I'm thoroughly enjoying this phase of our lives together? Because I do.

Cut Me Some Slack

2011-03-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

Those where the words Bo said to me a while ago. We were having an argument....ahem discussion (lol) about something or the other, and he says, "come on, cut me some slack here, I'm trying my best." While I didn't say anything right there and then those words echoed and stayed with me.

Cut. Me. Some. Slack.

I think sometimes when we are in a relationship and so familiar with each other, we want them to be so many things to us, sometimes we forget that it takes quite a bit of effort to try and please someone else. That's how I translate this. It made me open my eyes and look to my hubby with eyes of compassion and understanding. Now it's like a mantra I run in my head all the time. I'm this man's wife, the person he's pledged his life to, the person he works extremely hard to make sure she's comfortable, if all he requests is just a little "slack", then I can learn to give him that. This has had many implications for us. Right now, Bo is involved in a few pretty big projects and he's either always on some conference call, or he has some documents he has to hand in to his partners. This gets frustrating sometimes but where previously I would have launched into a speech about how our relationship is just as important or more important than ANY other thing he could possibly come across and deserves just as much time, nowadays, I really make an effort to be more supportive and caring. I choose to see things from his point of view.

It's not that I've given up my relationship nazi role :-) I haven't. I'm still committed to this. It's just now I want to be the wife who gives her hubby a break every now and then. Life is not so much a race. It's to be enjoyed. And this is my partner. I'm the girl in his corner. Always.

I'm not even sure Bo has noticed this, but I've noticed this. I'm a bit less tense and a lot happier. I've mentioned that somehow, and I thank God for the opportunities coming our way, the last few months have been extremely busy for both of us. We are really working hard. I think it's with the realization that we want our family to be financially stable. We both want to be successful people and we have that understanding that right now, right now, is the time to lay that foundation. With all this happening, it can be really challenging to stay as connected as we would want. However what I love the most about myself and my hubby is that we are truly BFFs. It seems to balance us. I'm starting to get that having a hubby who showers me with love and kisses and affection, works hard to bring home the bacon, supports me (to the max!) while I'm working to bring home the bacon, and we are always never too busy to share a laugh, is a magnificent and wonderful thing.

It's like this stage in our marriage we are actually truly becoming one. It's beautiful.

So yes, I think the lesson or realization for me a this stage is, it's okay to cut hubby some slack, but it's also okay to cut myself some slack. Just live and enjoy each other's company for another gracious day we have together.

On another note: I have to forewarn that baby fever is rising in the BoKem household. I foresee that a lot of future posts will be about the oscillation between having a baby and not having a baby, and the excitement about the possibilities of even being at a stage where I'm truly considering being a mother. So I apologize in advance. I can't help it. :-)

In a weird mood

2011-02-21T11:01:00.000-08:00

I’m in a very strange mood this evening. Quite a few things going on in my life and sometimes it’s just so difficult to take the time out and just breathe a little bit. I’m a feeling a bit distant from my hubby right now but I think it’s just one of those ebb and flow things and things will flow back around. Sometimes when I’m really busy with work and he’s really busy with work, I just feel that it gets so easy to just not pay attention to each other or be romantic with each other. Last week I had to take a quick trip to London for a training program and wasn’t really looking forward to being away from home but when we got to the airport I had to do a bit of running around to upgrade my flight to first and the minute I came back down, my hubby sighs and says “Kemi, I can’t wait for you to this running around I’ve got to go do some work on project X” I think I got really upset and that must have jump started the distant phase I think we’re currently in. It’s not like we’re fighting or angry at each other, it’s just very blah right now J It happens that way.

While in this not-so-hot phase, I’ve also been thinking about so many things. A few weeks ago, I opened my eyes and rested my head on Bo’s shoulder like I usually do on weekends. Only this time my boo says ever so casually, “I want us to start a family soon, like really soon.” So we proceed to talk about it and we actually settled on a timeline and a start date for us to begin TTC (trying to conceive). All of a sudden it began to feel so real to me. The timeline if you’d like to know is not so far from now. Don’t worry it’s not in the next few months so no countdowns yet as such, but my, it’s quite close. This threw up a few things on my part, I’m not sure I’m ready to have kids. I’m not sure I’ll ever want them really. Then I think okay, I’d want one but that’s only it, ONE. Somehow I don’t think that’s possible. Sometimes I feel like I’m being bullied into this whole phase of my life with both nature and family tying the noose around my neck. I think about it and I get heart palpitations. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person that feels like that, aren’t I supposed to be all maternal and baby-craving at this stage? I’m starting to fear that I’m really not and it scares me to even think what that means.

Moving on to Valentine’s Day (I just remembered I haven’t posted since that long), mine was good but still normal. I have to confess I’m not that into Valentine’s Day as such. I love when hubby makes me feel special but I just don’t necessarily plug in into that whole scene. However my boo made it quite special for me and sent me something in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening, then he cooked me dinner and we had a very lovely time afterwards, wink, wink. I was really impressed, with Bo’s planning that is, and finally had just a little bit of an idea what the fuss was all about!

Questions & Answers

2011-02-05T03:46:00.000-08:00

I wanted to wait until I received 10 questions but I'm not sure I'm going to get there so without further ado, here are the six questions and my rather long-winded answers (WARNING - probably the longest post ever). By the way, the questions were so good I had to share some with hubby.

Your blog is based upon your relationship/marriage with Bolaji. I'm curious, did you get everything you wanted in a mate and if no, what three things weren't included in the package and how do you deal with not having them?

Wow, this is a good question. So good I had to discuss it with Bo this morning while he was in the shower. I am very vocal about telling anyone who cares to listen that I did NOT get everything I wanted in a mate in Bo. I talked about it a bit in this post here. I loosely believe in the 80/20 rule when it comes to this. No one is going to get everything they want but list all the things that are important to you and if the guy has 80% of it, the remaining 20% challenges you to love the person you’ve got wholly. After all no one’s perfect; not you, not me.

If I were to name the things that weren’t included (and it was hard for me to think up), I’ll lump them into Physical, Gift-giving/Celebratory, Romantic. The last two and three are very related because I couldn’t think up a third. Physically - Bo was not the type I would go for, at all. He’s a completely different build and height; Gift-giving/Celebratory – I love to celebrate every little thing that can be celebrated. I love birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries and even St. Patrick’s Day. I love it all. Bo is very much NOT like that. For example, I don’t think he’s EVER given me a card and I don’t think it even crosses his mind lol, on ANY occasion. Which leads to Romance – I think my husband is romantic but in a natural kind of way. Once he came to pick me up at the airport with roses, i.e at Murtala International Airport. So that was pretty romantic. And he does our “thousand kisses” ritual. But romance in that over the top gesture mixed with surprise etc., very much not my guy.

How do I deal with it? With the physical I’ve pretty much just gotten over it and I’m so attracted to him now because he’s no longer a spec but this wonderful person I know. I LOVE that I love this man now and learnt to love him from the inside out. He’s beautiful and perfect to me now. The gift-giving/Celebratory, well, let’s just say I drop hints when I can and when I can’t I try to fulfill my own expectations. So if I want something special I plan something special and not wait for him to do it. This is a work in progress I must confess. I should add also that Bo has been trying to meet my expectations here and that is very sweet also.

I wanted to know, so when you and your husband started dating, were you both at the same level spiritually in your walk with Christ? And at what point did you know he was the one you wanted to marry and same for him? Also, in your dating days, how did you pray about your relationship?

This is a tough question. I think most importantly we both wanted a closer relationship with God and yearned to be better Christians. When we were dating Bo mentioned that he'd had questions in the past about the existence of God, the point of religion etc. and at those points would maybe have described himself as atheist or something like that. I admit I've never had questions to that extent. All through my life God was just there, was God, and He has always been a part of my life. Of course there came I time I had to define my beliefs for myself and establish a personal relationship but I don't think I completely disconnected as maybe Bo did at that time. However unquestionably, my hubby knows more about God's word, i.e the Bible than I do. Unquestionably. Bo can quote fluently from the Bible and knows the stories and characters in the Bible. He does this better than most people I've met. I think we're a good match in the sense that I believe I'm more spiritually in-tune and more adept at communicating with God but He's better at the follow-through. So for example this morning I said Bo I think we need to spend more time in God's word, I feel a distance in our spiritual life and he says ok, we have to start daily meditation again, let's pick a specific time and commit to this. So without him I might have just felt the distance, prayed one or two times and lapsed again and without me he may just never even feel the distance. So we're more of a team now.

I knew he was the one I wanted to marry when one day my brother had to take an exam he had been studying for for quite some time. It was important. We had just started dating and I think I mentioned this exam just once to Bo months before. On the day of the exam he calls me to ask if I'd spoken to my brother and how the exam went. I was impressed at his thoughtfulness. That day I went home and started thinking, wait a minute, this man has everything I say I want in a companion/partner. I knew that day. I think if you would ask him he would probably say when I got a job transfer to the states and he knew he didn't want to be without me.

Honestly, I can't remember how I prayed about the relationship. I think I prayed mostly for God to prepare me, that if this was my husband, that I can be what he needs me to be and he can be what I need him to be. The day I finally said yes to him being my boyfriend I remember vividly going into the bathroom of the restaurant we were in, and saying to God, "okay, okay, okay, I hear You loud and clear. I'm going to jump in wholly now, with no safety net but You have to guide me oh, I'm only going to follow your leading." Then I called my Mom and asked her to pray for me and for us.

How did you and Bo meet (you don't have to give specifics that will reveal your identity - a general answer like a friend introduced us would work too)? How old were you when you got married? What do you and your hubby do to keep your marriage fresh and spicy?

Bo and I met at Newscafe, we were in a group of friends.

As for age, well, let's just say I'm still in my twenties and I've been married for almost a year now ;-)

Well, we have date night once a week where no phones are allowed and we are not to hang out with other people. Just the two of us. We also take trips together often. Not big deal holidays but mini-vacation trips. We could just go to IITA in Ibadan, or Kaduna, or Ekiti, or Enugu, for the weekend. Or we go to an African country close by that we discover all by ourselves. Another thing is communication. We talk and talk about everything. I mean everything. If a large mosquito bit me I would probably tell my husband about it. Everyday in Lagos brings something new so the conversation is never stale. Lastly, I mentioned before that I keep a book of sex tips by my bedside cabinet and we actually do them! No matter how outrageous. We go shopping for lingerie every so often, we look out for and try new positions (many times giggling and laughing out loud at how ridiculous we feel lol), introduce warming gels etc. The sky's the limit, we just have fun with it.

You mentioned you had fertility issues, what is it and how are you and Bo coping with it.

Hmm, I really really really want to talk about this because I feel that women aren't open enough on this matters. I think one day I may share more on this but for now my advice to anyone is that almost nobody is "barren" for no reason. I use barren because it's the harsh term most people use around these parts. Usually there's a reason for one not being able to conceive. I would say check your hormones, check your thyroids, go and see BOTH an endocrinologist and a gynecologist. If you're trying to conceive have your husband do a count as well.

My story's quite unusual in that I most definitely was not trying to conceive and wouldn't have even known anything in particular was wrong. However, I randomly had a dream one day where I was in a fertility clinic. It was completely random and the dream was more than that but I won't go into details. The next morning I went to the doctors and asked them to check me out. I had had thryoid issues in the past and from there the doctor checked a lot of things and turns out I had a condition similar to (but not) PCOS - polycystic ovaries syndrome. It's quite "easy" to fix, requiring me to take a pill a day until I have my first child at which point it may correct itself or not and I'd have to essentially take the pill everyday until I hit menopause. Bo is extremely supportive. At this point we don't know how difficult it will be unless we start trying and we have not started trying so no point worrying about it. However it has brought baby-having timelines into focus. It's not something we think about often honestly. I think this is mostly because we're not terribly baby-crazed people.

Why so secrective? I just don't get the authenticity of your blog? are you living vicariously through it? I think yes we or I an relate to some of your post but then again I'm like is this person REALLY being honest? why do you have this blog if you can't reveal your identity? Why is it a secret? Post pics and live a free life...

This question, every time I read it, makes me smile. I don't know how to put it but I just want to be honest on this blog, really honest about the good and heartwarming things and the not-so-good and unpleasant things. It's not about me the person but about my experiences. I censored myself so I wouldn't censor the experiences.

I think I'm flattered that anyone would think I'm living vicariously through my blog. I even mentioned this question to Bo. I'm blessed that I have a great relationship. Believe me I thank God every single day for this amazing gift. I think I've done a decent job of posting both the good things and the bad things and the unpopular things. Sometimes even I want to pinch myself, "how did I get here with this wonderful man", I'm convinced it's a blessing from God. I understand that it would be easy to believe that this relationship and our experiences as I blog about them don't exist, but what can I say, they do.

How many people do you think know about you in connection with your blog (except Bo of course!)?  Is there any pressure from your extended families yet about babies?

I'm not sure but I don't think I want to know. I'm sure a few know but no one has said anything to me at this point which is the way I'd like to keep it. Most times I don't think about it at all.

Yes. There's a lot of pressure from one of the potential grandparents. Bo and I now have a standard answer for anyone who asks, "within the next year or two by God's grace, God's time is the best". After we say this we nod and say yes we understand to everything else they say. We both agree that this is something we will do on our schedule alone, God willing, and no other person's.

Thank you for all questions. It has been interesting and insightful answering them.

Let's Try This

2011-02-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

I've seen some bloggers (or blog friends as I call everyone to Bo) who've done a question and answer thing on their blog and that got me thinking whether anyone who reads my blog may have questions they want to ask me. I do try and keep this blog a bit anonymous (if you think you know me please don't say anything or I'll probably have to shut the blog down, thanks) so I most likely won't answer questions that would obviously point to me but if anyone has maybe anything in their minds they'd like to ask me, please send an email to blogkemi@gmail.com.

If I get up to ten questions then I'll post the ten questions and answers on my next post. If I don't well, I'll still post the answers to the few.

I'm a bit excited and nervous about this but also interested to see what my blog friends are all thinking, so please go ahead, I can't wait to read the questions!

Mon Petit Chef

2011-01-25T04:11:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I was so busy with work, I mean staring at my computer screen so intensely all day. Bolaji came home, hugged me and asked me what I wanted to eat. I must say I was floored and shocked and excited at the same time. I mean we all know that food is also the way to a woman's heart :-) After teasing him a little bit about this wonderful surprise gesture, we settled on fish, vegetables, and couscous. That was all the direction I gave him, so I didn't tell him any recipes or anything like that. Just said a bit of fish, some veggies etc. We're trying out a pescetarianism diet which essentially just means we've cut out beef and other red meat but will stick with eggs, dairy, and seafood. But this is is perhaps another blog post so I will digress.

Bo ended up making one of the most scrumptious meals I've ever tasted. I mean seriously.

Mediterranean Cod with roasted veggies and couscous. It was so yum. Yes, the servings are huge that for a second please. The fish was cooked with a bit of soy sauce, tomatoes, and uhm...i don't know what else, that's all I remember! The veggies had carrots, eggplant, red onions (which are delish when roasted), courgettes, red peppers, garlic. Again that's all I remember. He got the recipe from checking online but I can't remember the site either. So sorry. I was so excited about my boo cooking and when it came out phenomenal I think I kept on asking if he was proud of himself because I was so proud of him. You see, Bo almost never cooks. Let me put it this way, he's a terrible cook most times (although I'm starting to suspect it's all a ruse!). I love cooking so I just do it, so I was so happy that he surprised me with cooking dinner but also that he did such a good job of it. In fact the grilled veggies were so good I asked him to make them again yesterday and we ended up with this:

I made the pasta with shrimps this time but still I think the veggies stole the show. Since I made the pasta off-hand, I don't really have a recipe but I think I put some olive oil on, added garlic, added chili flakes, fried for a bit, then added mushrooms. A few minutes later added fish sauce, cooking wine, lemon juice, black pepper, then shrimp. Cooked to reduce, then added a small paste of cornflour and cold milk (pre-mixed), then quickly dumped in the cooked tagliatelle. It was also delicious I must say.

I guess this is a foodie post!

The Good Wife's Guide

2011-01-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

There's a popular guide to being a good wife that's been making the rounds on the internet for probably years. Some say it's a hoax, some believe it's real, some say it's still a valid article for today's world, some say it's antiquated and irrelevant to today's society. Everyone's free to make up their own assumptions. I'm not so concerned about whether it's real or not as I believe a lot of 1950s women would definitely recognize some of the advice given inside. Now in Nigeria, I'm absolutely certain most women believe and agree that the advice is sound advice as a matter of course. Sometimes I believe our society now mirrors America in the 1950s and 60s, whether that's a good or bad thing is entirely relative.

As for me when I read the article I think I try and understand the motive behind the writer giving the sort of advice he/she gives or what exactly are they trying to say. In my home of course I try and make it a sanctuary, a home, a safety zone for my husband and I, and of course I'm mindful to always look nice and smell nice etc because...well, he's my husband and I need him to desire me. To me it's natural to want these things. Where I think I differ is that I would require my husband to also feel that same way and want to do those same things too! I think it's both our responsibilities to make and keep our home a sanctuary. We both have to be ready and willing to listen to the other and to talk to each other. I see these things more like a partnership where it's each partner's responsibility to nourish the soul of the other and ensure that the other is fulfilled.

Anyway, without further ado, here's the list:

The Good Wife’s Guide

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

8. Be happy to see him.

9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

17. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

18. A good wife always knows her place.

Not a Happy Bunny

2011-01-20T04:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at my desk today and I've been sad pretty much all day. Bo came back from Europe yesterday evening, from the airport went to work, from work came back home at around 9pm, then went into our study and worked until about 1am. This morning, he left the house at 7am and is off Dakar for work and wont be back till Saturday. It's a busy period for him and he is essentially juggling three massive projects right now. By massive, I mean pretty much a big deal and at least one of those deals will certainly make your daily newspaper, the other involves a lot of money. I get it. He's busy.

I've mentioned before Bo is an investment banker and I'm a management consultant, and in between the two of us we have really, incredibly busy periods, but when those two periods mesh? then we're in trouble. I'm also working on two really time consuming projects right now. Getting a call in these last few days has been tough, it's either we're both working, rushing off to a meeting, or sleeping. We tried to talk about spending some quality time together but Bo barely looked up from his computer. I'm so exasperated. Yesterday was a very eventful and long day for me and since he's been gone there's just been so many happenings that I haven't been able to discuss with him and was looking forward to talking over, however my babe didn't even look up from his Excel spreadsheet for more than 10min. That's all I got. Most times I don't even feel married (and this is a good thing in my books), I just feel like I'm continuing on in this great relationship but then there are times like this that I'm so very aware that I am married and no matter what both he and I must resolve this issue. I allowed myself to think to myself what would I have done, or what would I be thinking if we were just dating not married. I know I would have said to myself, "Kemi are you ready for this kind of a lifestyle?"

Being two professionals with demanding jobs and living together as husband and wife I think is challenging at times like this. I think I can now understand it how a partner can quit their job and become a housewife, because maybe a marriage can only withstand one high-flying career at a time. Yesterday I felt a bit like the housewife in that popular '50s "the good wife's guide" that was published by Housekeeping Magazine. Number 10 says,:

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

THIS is how I feel sometimes. And I work about 50-60hours every week as well! I'm hoping when Bolaji gets back we can sit and properly discuss how we're going to find us time in between the chaos, even if it means leaving some work undone until the next day. I'm just upset because I seem to do this much better than he. I still got my million kisses to wake me up this morning and some hugs and kisses when I dropped him off this morning, but there was a lot of silence in between. I hate when there's tension in the air, we have to talk it out as soon as his work trip is over.

PS - I think I'll post the Good Wife's Guide next. Should be fun :-)

PPS - To lighten up the mood of the post, here are a couple of pictures of my bouquet. I loved it!

Stylish & Versatile Blogger award

2011-01-17T03:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Lily Johnson who gave me this award. I'm supposed to write 7 things about myself and also give the award to 15 bloggers. I'm going to try and make it interesting. So here it goes!

I'm a singer/songwriter. Well, maybe I used to be. I had an agent, a manager, and a producer once. I even had a demo CD with songs that I wrote and I performed in one or two places. I was going to be a star I thought but I was in college and I firmly believe you can't do the music thing and do the school thing at the same time. It was taking so much of my focus, money, and time. I remember sitting in my room and making the decision of which path I was going to choose. That night I chose to continue with my education and career path full time and since then I haven't written one song! I also don't sing any longer.
I'm cousins with a Nigerian celebrity. A popular one ;-)
I love to cook and I'm a good cook if I do say say so myself. I've always loved getting my hands dirty with food from the time I was young. I don't remember exactly the very first thing I actually cooked but I do have an early memory of deciding I was going to make apple pie and bugging my mother to buy the ingredients. I may have been about 12/13 years old. I don't think it turned out as well as I had wanted but the cooking bug was born! Now it's Bo that enjoys everything, our everyday menu reads like a restaurant. I hope I don't get tired of it as the marriage matures.
In line with cooking, I love entertaining. There's nothing I love more than a well-stocked kitchen so that in the event of entertaining, I would have all the little knick knacks available. If you come to my house, there's a dish for every possible item, I have different vases, depending on the mood, trays, cups, mugs, glasses etc. You name it, if there's a specialized item for it I either want it or i've gotten it! I want people to feel like they when to come to our home for a meal, they're going to be treated like special guests.
I get uncomfortable when I talk to a lot of newlywed Nigerian brides that I meet because I feel they always want to bond but I don't think we have many things in common. Case in point, just the other day I was at a dinner and the lady seated next me struck up a conversation with me once she found out I was recently married. In the course of talking, she mentioned "...for example, you know when you ask your husband what he wants to eat for dinner and he doesn't respond..." I had to tell her I almost never ask my husband what he wants for dinner! It almost never crosses my mind unless I specifically do not want to make anything and I call him to kind of inform him we're going to be having indomie...ha! He's pretty much doomed to eating whatever I happen to make for us to eat and tends to be just grateful for food lol. Then there's always a bit of silence which is both awkward and uncomfortable between myself and the other lady. I always feel bad because I don't know what to say and they look at me like "you don't ask your husband...?" or "you mean your husband doesn't do ...?" No, no, and no.
I keep a book by my bedside called 306 Ways to Spice Up your Sex Life. And I read it often. Why? Because these things are just necessary ;-) Bo is not allowed to read it as it's always about the element of surprise I think.
If I could do the whole wedding thing again, I would do a simple court wedding, church blessing, and small intimate ceremony. I loved my wedding, it was beautiful and small and amazingly to my personal taste but it could have been a little bit more low-key.

There you have it. I'm supposed to select 15 bloggers to award this too but I think I'd rather throw this open to all my followers! Just remember to link back or leave a comment to me so I know to check it out!

Fighting Fair

2011-01-07T15:01:00.000-08:00

I've had this blogpost in my head for a while. The other day we went out to dinner with a few friends and I don't remember how the conversation turned to this but somehow Bo & I flittingly mentioned fighting or arguing about something and my friend goes..."get out of here, you and Bo NEVER argue, give me a break." Bolaji and I just looked at each other and told the table in fact we were just arguing walking up to the restaurant! We argue ALL the time. Okay, fine, not all the time but honestly we disagree about something at least once a week. We both have very strong personalities so we both always feel we want to be heard, lol. My friend was shocked about this, she didn't think we ever argued. I guess this is to our credit and we must be doing something right.

I know in the beginning stages of our relationship before engagement even entered both our heads, we talked about so many things. We laid ground rules of discord. We both never want to shout at each other, we will always try to listen to the other's point of view, there will always be "full disclosure" - everyone just spit out what you REALLY feel, and no matter what never ever belittle or talk down to your partner in public. This is out of respect. I mentioned to Bolaji that for me I feel that when I couple disagree in public it brings the two of them down in the eyes of whoever is around to witness it. It removes respect just a little bit every time. I feel strongly about this. So if ever I'm upset about something, I only discuss it within the sanctity of our home (or more often in the car, driving home) and never in view or hearing of someone else. I may be mad at that moment but I don't want anybody disrespecting my husband because they heard me dress him down or something. No way.

The other day we were visiting one of my closest friends and she had to step away to attend to an unexpected guest for about five minutes. Bo started agitating and said he wanted to go. Whereas I wanted to stay. I became really upset the more I thought of it there because I felt whenever he wanted to go somewhere I make a trip out of it but I felt in that moment the things I want to do are not important unless HE wants to do them as well. I don't know if any of this makes sense but if you're married and reading this just nod your head :-) Bolaji then says, "I mean I was sleeping and you woke me up to come here and I still came so why are you saying we don't do what you want to do?" Now this upset me even more! What does he mean? I wasn't aware we were counting these things. Usually when I get upset with him, I just shut down, don't listen, don't say anything, just shut down. I kept this up until we were in the car downstairs and I had worked myself up into a magnificent state of lividness I just let him have it. In trying to get my point across however, I didn't know when I started hurling f-bombs all over the place. I don't even remember now how we solved this crisis, but all I remember is when we were talking things over after we got home, Bo looked me in the eyes and said, "Did you know you were swearing?" My heart just sank. That was one of our rules - no swearing whatsoever in anger. I had broken one of our cardinal rules. I just felt so ashamed from then and apologized immediately. He said it was okay that he just wanted to bring it to my attention. Even now thinking about it, I'm ashamed of myself. The next evening we were just generally playing around and I grabbed his face and said again I'm sorry for swearing. Of course he was fine but I had to say it again when things where all cleared up so he knows I truly didn't mean to break the rules.

I think one of the most important things about couples is how they fight, not that they fight at all. I love that we never yell at each other. I love that we always come back to talk about what just went wrong, almost immediately. I love that I'm a love sap and can't stay mad for long :-) In the beginning of our relationship, yonks ago now, Bo told me you know every relationship is ebb and flow. Some days are so passionate, so hot, and you're both in tune. Other days the person just gets on your nerves, or you feel there's no passion. He says for him that's all part of the relationship. A little disagreement is normal and it almost never throws him off track. So now I'm learning the same. Our disagreements don't define us, or the fact that we've chosen to love one another, to be each other's life partners.

Up and Away!

2011-01-06T15:06:00.000-08:00

I find it so so so hard to be away from my husband. I mean incredibly hard. I would have never figured myself out for the type who's extra sappy and clings to her husband every time there's a hint of a small separation, but turns out I am. Bolaji is gone for about a week on a business trip. He's somewhere in Europe. I mentioned that we are both making career changes this year and well, his is going to take him all over the place, a lot of traveling. This is actually the semi-horrible part of the job.

Yes I know the nature of his career but it just doesn't get any easier. I have an over active imagination and every time he tells me he has to travel somewhere my heart sinks. I then start steeling myself and reassuring myself in my faith, God is the only one I can cling to. I actually hate him traveling domestically more than internationally but the fear is still there all the same. Apart from that, I miss my beau so very much. This trip has been weirdly very emotional for me. From yesterday I started the process of steeling myself and then this morning when he actually had to leave for the airport I started getting very misty eyed. Bo was very amorous and kept on telling me he wished I was traveling with him as well. Then he'd give me a kiss and tell me "I love you too much". He did this several times. We also do this thing where I say "I love my husband very much" and he'd respond "well tell my wife she is loved and cherished". So we did that. When the taxi that was taking him to the airport arrived, I asked that he say a prayer like we always do whenever we're about to travel. I was already quite emotional at this point but then in his prayer my beau says,

...And Lord, for my wife that I'm leaving do keep her safe and protect and comfort her. I know what she means to me in my life and I thank you for her love and life...

I don't know why but the tears came and I tried to hold it in but as I opened my eyes after the prayers the tears just fell. I don't know. I felt, little old me. Imperfect old me. And this wonderful, loving human being, sounding so heartfelt and sincere, asking God to please keep his wife. Now this is amazing. I'm going to cry again just remembering how special I felt.

I imagine this is one of the rituals of wifehood. I imagine all happily married women, certainly the newlywed ones, have watched their husband go off on some trip and felt literally like their hearts have been ripped open and packed right along with the luggage. I think there's a time you realize, my gosh, all I have is walking right out that door and into an airplane somewhere and I'm not that easily accessible to him if anything goes wrong. Especially for Nigerian wives, certainly. I mean I even feel that responsibility whenever Bo gets sick. I think to myself, "what would I do? what would I say? who would I go to?" This I think is one of the magic experiences of wifehood. This panic and responsibility for another soul who's so intrinsically linked to yours.

I can't even begin to think about what it'd be like when we have kids...!

Season's Greetings Everyone!

2010-12-30T02:55:00.000-08:00

Season's Greetings to all my blog friends. I hope everyone's been having a wonderful and relaxing holiday with loads of love and laughter with family and friends.

I certainly am enjoying this long-awaited holiday season. Unfortunately both Bo and I have to work during the holiday season but Monday and Tuesday after Christmas were official public holidays and boy, did we really take advantage of that! Bolaji even left work early on Friday (which is an entirely rare thing!) and by early I mean he left at 6pm, :-) I had a half day on Friday so we were just really happy to have the time to ourselves. We had put up our Christmas tree and decorations about a week earlier so all we had to do was wait for Christmas! Even though it was our first Christmas together we wanted to keep it low-key and just enjoy this amazing year that was and bask in our own baby family and that's just what we did. I thought we had agreed to not give gifts to each other but my darling hubby snuck in a nice cozy little gift. I know he had mentioned getting me a gift the week before but then I think we had a teeny weeny little tiff and so I thought forget it. I figured it out when on Christmas day we were coming back from visiting one of our neighbors and he said he had something in the trunk of the car that he needed to get. Of course that was weird so I knew he had gotten me something. Honestly, it's so sweet and I appreciated the effort especially because I'm always ragging on him about his nonchalancy about gift-giving or celebrating any occasion. He's been really trying, what more can you ask for if not a man that tries to keep you happy?

Other than that we've just been sleeping, hanging out with friends, exercising, and then sleeping some more! We've also been reminiscing about this wonderful, amazing year that has just passed us by and daydreaming about our future. Bo has an exciting new opportunity coming up so we're anxiously waiting for everything to fall into place for that, I will also be making a big career move this year by God's grace. And then we are just enjoying this phase of life, of our marriage. We've never been more comfortable in our relationship than we are now. Everything just seems right. Exactly right where we are supposed to be.

I look back on the past year and I just can't believe it all. I mean the bountiful and generous grace of God is awe-some, in the full sense of the word. Through paying for our weddings, paying rent, travelling to a few places we wanted to go, unexplained illnesses, fighting possible infertility,successes in our career, and all the arguments and "storming and norming" of the phase into marriage. It's incredible to think it all. My experience has been that getting married is very similar to a larvae turning into a beautiful butterfly. It's definitely a journey and I had to put the old me to rest and embrace my new life, my new phase. It was difficult. I lost a lot of friends, family, dreams, illusions in the transition but more than ever I gained a new confidence, a new appreciation of life, a new outlook. I think I'm in a more healthy place of being now than I've ever been. I have an incredible, amazing partner and feel confident going into the world because I know his love envelops me.

I'm also hopeful for 2011. Some friends of mine are in really great relationships and for some reason I'm convinced this is THE year so I'm looking forward to bridesmaids duties and easing them into the transition as well. I had a dream last week that three of my friends got married, and one of Bo's friends who recently got married had a child. And I'm a dreamer, so I'm very much looking forward to those experiences. I need a few more friends to join me on this side of the fence!

Anyway, I wish everyone a very happy new year ahead and pray for safety, health, success in everything you do, prosperity, and a year of laughter and love ahead!

Lastly, PLEASE do take a moment to pray for one my blog friends. I don't know her and she doesn't know me but I read her blog faithfully and have followed her journey through wedding, to pregnancy, to the premature birth of her baby, Brayden. Their lovely family have been through a lot as they go from complication to complication with Brayden and my heart really really goes out to them. Prayers are one way of plugging into our community as Christians so please if you can do visit Live. Love. Laugh and then pray for Heather, her hubby and her cute baby Brayden. Thanks.

Husband-y

2010-12-07T02:26:00.000-08:00

I was making my regular blog rounds this morning (instead of working) and I came across Dawn's post at The Happy Nappy Bride. Basically the post is about the things that she loves that her husband does, not because she can't do them but she'd just rather not and enjoys it when the hubby does them. She's labeled these things her "husband-y" list. Great idea! I have quite a few of those things to that I can classify as husband-y, so I've adopted her idea (and picture, thanks Dawn!) and created my own list. Some are similar but most are not - I can only WISH Bolaji would help set up the christmas tree, he's a regular grinch and I'm still working on converting him. :-)

Kemi's 8 Things That are Husbandy

Laundry. Yep. You read right. Bolaji is a laundry freak. I don't know why but he's got laundry on his mind pretty much at any time. The first thing he thinks about when he walks in the door is if there's electricity, and whether the clothes in the washer need to be dried or put through the wash spin. He's also very particular about how much softener goes on vis a vis detergent. Yes. It's weird. But hey, so long as I don't have to add that chore to my list, I'm happy!
Arranging Kitchen Cabinets. Especially the spice cupboard. I have an unhealthy obsession with spices. I amass them and then shove them in the cupboard. It's inevitable that at some point the Thai 7-spice bottle after being used just once and shoved to the back of the cabinet will expire. This is Bo's job, clear out the spice cabinet. It usually starts with me complaining about how I can't find my lemongrass and he coming to the rescue and then rolling his eyes and then re-arranging the whole cabinet. This happens with the tupperware cabinet too.
Cockroach Killer. I hate cockroaches. I just don't like them and they make my skin crawl. I also hate weevils, weevils give me goosebumps. There's also this weird flying insect thingy that gathers around the fluorescent light (admittedly these ones are seasonal). I remember when we first moved in together I made the rookie mistake of keeping our bag of beans in the cabinet. WRONG MOVE. I went in and the entire bag was filled with weevils...I ran screaming into the bedroom and dear hubby had to dispose of it. This is usually my reaction to all three of the insects listed lol.
Driving. I can drive and drive myself to work everyday. But whenever we're going somewhere together, I just let the hubby drive. Sometimes I feel ridiculous say if we're just going down the street, but I just like sitting back and letting him take care of it.
Lightbulb Changer. For some reason I almost never notice when a lightbulb goes out, unless it does as I'm flicking the switch. Even then, I almost never remember when I'm going shopping to buy a lightbulb. Bolaji ALWAYS remembers such things and then when we get home promptly changes all the bulbs that need to be changed.
In Charge of Washing Dishes. Since I usually do most of the cooking, Bo usually does the washing up. Our agreement is that whoever cooks does not do the washing up. At first this was a bit touch and go but now we've settled so nicely into it. Again, here Bo can go a little crazy, he likes the kitchen sterile-y spic and span. Yesterday I went to bed at 11pm and at 12am, I woke up and had to drag him away from the kitchen. When I say sterile, I mean sterile. Like household magazine sterile. Yes. I know I'm very lucky he does this.
Travel Marshall. As everyone figures by now, Bo is more organized than I am. Nowhere is this more evident than when we're traveling. Generally, if we're traveling together all I do is pack my bags. Everything else is already sorted. This was annoying at first as I used to tell him "I'm a grown woman I can keep my own boarding pass thank you" but now, I just settle in and enjoy not having to worry about anything.
All Around Cheerleader. The best thing about Bolaji is that he's my number one cheerleader. When I'm down, he gets me up, when I don't feel pretty he holds my head in his hands and tells me I'm beautiful, when I'm tired and work has kicked my butt and I don't think I can, he reminds me that I can do much more than I think I can.

Bonus: We have this ritual in our home. Every morning Bo wakes up first then, showers, then coming out of the shower, jumps on the bed and plants what we call "thousand kisses" all over my face. And THIS is how I wake up, every weekday morning. I love it! So he's also my Alarm Clock!

OMG

2010-12-04T03:44:00.000-08:00

Wow. I just put on my wedding dress again!

This is how it happened: I'm doing research for one of my client's at work whose work involves weddings. I suddenly felt like looking for the copies of the program to our wedding that I thought was in the bag in which my wedding dress is kept. I opened up the bag and next thing I know I take out the veil and head to the mirror in the bedroom. Bolaji's best friend's wife (they just recently got married) told me she still occasionally prances around in her veil. At the time I gave her a nutty look. That's just so nutty right? So why am I now prancing around the apartment in my veil?

Next thing I know, I take out the dress and put it on. There's a wide smile on my face and I remember how magical that day felt and how magical the wedding was. After turning every which side in front of the mirror I decide I better take it off. In my mind I'm thinking to myself, I'm NEVER giving this dress away (I've always in the back of my mind liked the idea of gifting the dress to another special bride). But now? No way!

Bolaji is away (obviously). He's travelled to the UK for a training course for work and won't be back for a week. Is it this loneliness that's making me behave nutty-like?

I can't believe I just tried on my dress and pranced around my flat. We must NEVER tell Bo about this. Lol. (Of course I will have to - full disclosure, #1 in the BoKem relationship rulebook!). He's going to be freaked out. Lol.

I'm still shocked and a little embarrassed myself.

Coco Chanel & Other Musings

2010-12-03T01:16:00.001-08:00

The hubster and I are getting a dog! We're getting one that looks almost exactly like this one:

It's a pure breed Lhasa Apso. We actually decided we wanted a pet a while ago. I grew up with cats and dogs in the house (names: Pepa, Roger, Randy, Kitty, Shadow). Of course we also raised rabbits in our house but I digress. When I was living on my own while in college I also had a cat, unfortunately I had to give the cat away to a friend as a result of excessive travelling once I joined the working world. Bo on the other hand had never grown up with pets and has never owned one. We were visiting a friend who's dog just gave birth to a litter of puppies and for some strange reason, Bo just fell in love with the dogs and became determined to get one of them. This was actually shocking because we really had just been considering cats. I love cats, and I love them especially because they are very low maintenance and very apartment friendly. No need to take them for walks for example, and they are almost naturally housetrained. Just when we were about to get one, Bolaji vetoed this option saying that he didn't want the cat to damage our mosquito netting (flimsy excuse) and also that we knew nothing about the vet costs, etc. Fine. All of a sudden now he REALLY wants a dog. What gives? Men can be really funny sometimes I think. Dogs are much more difficult to maintain!

After begging, I agreed. So we are getting a dog. Personally, I prefer breeds like labradors, retrievers, or bulldogs. But I guess this will do. I'm sure this has something to do with nesting on both our parts, but that's okay I think. Last night at date night (yes, we still faithfully do date night once a week!) we were trying to come up with names for our dog and so far we have the following:

Coco (as in Coco Chanel)
Che (as in Che Guevara)
Bead
Bobbie
Xin (pronounced Chin)

There are listed in no particular order but let me tell you only one name out of the list is mine and that is Coco. The others are from my dear husband. I mean Che Guevara? Who names their dogs that? Lol. I've said I would have to find a cute name to call him if Bo insists on Che. Xin is because Lhasa's are originally from Tibet and again my dear husband thinks giving the poor dog a Chinese name is a good way to honor that. I had to tell him over and over again that Tibetans don't tend to have Chinese names! This my guy. :-)

So we had a barrel of laughs about this and haven't come to a conclusion yet. At some point I yelled out "I'm not naming my child Xin..." to which Bo replied, "It's not a child Kemi". I think I have babies on the brain ha! After that an uncomfortable silence. Any thoughts or ideas on a name for an all white male Lhasa?

Sick and Tired

2010-11-30T07:02:00.000-08:00

I've been so sick for the last month really. Being in Nigeria, of course I've taken several malaria pills and also several typhoid meds but it's just been quite a long journey. My worry about my health has affected my work so it only makes sense that it's affected my blogging as well. This past weekend I called everyone in my prayer circle, friends and family, and asked everyone to pray for me and for my health. Also I put my faith to practice and spoke to God myself, asking him for healing and mercy. For anyone who ever has any doubt, God is indeed real and He does listen and care for us. One of the most precious things to me about my faith is the reassurance I have at any point that I can always call on God. Truth be told he has blessed me in numerous, numerous ways, from the ones I can't count to the instances when I can actually count. So if you ever have any doubt please just remember me and cling to your faith, trusting in God. I'm still not out of the woods yet but of course what He has started can only be completed to perfection.

Bolaji has been the perfect companion during these tough times and everyday, at least once, I look up to the heavens and thank God for my angel. I have to say this is probably one of the most trying times we've had as a couple, dealing with health and mortality. We didn't know what was wrong and I wasn't getting any better. Whenever Bolaji is REALLY worried about something he resorts to obsessive housecleaning lol. Which is good for me but still leaves me worried about him. Tensions were really high and I had to remind myself that this is just his way of dealing with his frustration at being helpless and unable to sort me out. Which is sweet. There was a time I had to actually yell at him to stop moving, and sit down with me and tell him we'd be alright. When the people that wrote the vows said "in sickness and in health" I think they know exactly what they were talking about. It was tough! It got to a point that whenever I was feeling worse or particularly bad I couldn't tell him because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle it, so I would just keep it to myself. This was hard because Bo is my best friend and we share everything. Through it all though he cared magnificently for me. I felt like a princess because I didn't have to even lift a pin.

A each day passes more on our marriage meter I fall in love with my husband even more. How did I make this right choice? How was I blessed with this wonderful man? I really don't know. I've noticed around these parts that many women (and men) just want to get married, they just want that wedding and that celebration, they are so anxious. But I'm knowing first hand that after the wedding party clears, and the band stops playing, there is only you and that other individual staring at you from across the house. It's only the two of you, and life then begins. Life in all it's glory, and it's not a disneyland fairytale. Let's face it, life throws lemons at us, you don't want to be left with your wedding gown in a bag and you wondering how in the world are you going to cope. With my recent illness Bolaji and I have had to deal with unexpected "lemons" but I love him more and appreciate him even more having been through it. It's like I'm now learning what the meaning of REAL love is, not the romantic type but the God-like type.

***For those wondering, no, I'm not pregnant.

Thank You Notes

2010-10-31T12:22:00.001-07:00

You're supposed to write and send thank you notes to all those who attended your wedding. Looking online I've seen just too many cute thank you notes sent to guests with a lovely picture of the couple from the wedding and a nice loving note tucked in. I truly wish I could do this but I don't even know where to begin. I've thanked everyone for coming to the wedding and I'm not quite sure I'm ever going to send out formal thank you notes. I should though, but in reality I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I remembered thank you notes because I find that when I'm responding to comments it's like I'm echoing myself and it may start to sound monotonous. But really, I love reading the comments and appreciate so much that you, my blog community, read my blog and share your thoughts and experiences along the way with me. I'm so appreciative of this fact so when I see the comments section all I want to do is just say thank you profusely for the comment. So this is like one big massive thank you to all my blog readers and commenters. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart that you even care enough to read and then leave a comment. Even if you don't agree with my point of view, or slightly agree, or think I've got it wrong, or just want to share an encouragement or advise. I appreciate it all immensely.

Especially on my last post. I was really confused and just emotional about the whole thing and wanted to just acknowledge my feelings about that particular topic. I was really moved my Mwajim Al and her comments about Esther. That touched me, thanks. Blessing, who mentioned that she thinks I'm a great wife from what she's read. My heart warmed at that and you are indeed what your name says! Nitty Gritty Housewife, your first comment and it was on point and after reading it I went "Yeah!". Thanks. Anon, Myne, & Chichi, it is so reassuring to hear others share their feelings as well (and they be similar to yours!). Anon that shared her story and experiences, I appreciate that, thanks. I've learnt so much from comments like that. Braids, thank you for reminding me that (duh) pray and pray and pray. Invite God in, don't try and worry about all these things on my own. I'm blessed many times because of such reminders. And to everyone who advised me not to worry and not to add pressure to myself, it's hard to communicate but it really does encourage me to relax and take it easy.

When I say we want to be financially stable, I don't mean we want to be rich. Nope. I mean we both believe in setting a foundation up. It's one of our principles. We both for example want to set up an education fund. It's important to us. We haven't been able to do that. We both REALLY want our kids to go to private (public in the UK) boarding schools. Things like that. We absolutely do not have to have these things but it's what we want for ourselves and our families. I don't think it's about waiting for the right time per se, but being responsible and planning for what we want. If I want to drive from New York to DC, I plot the route first. It doesn't mean that I can't decide to stop over in the middle, or that I can't decide to go to Philadelphia on the same trip. It's just when you set out, you plot a route. This is the route we want to plot.

Sometimes I just falter along the way, and get scared, or get confused. But deep down, I want to stay the course. Well...that is until I make an announcement on the blog anyway. Lol.

Anyway, this is my big thank you note!

Naked Truth

2010-10-29T03:33:00.000-07:00

The truth is I'm so scared to have a child. To be pregnant. To be a parent. To have my life change so irretrievably. To take on that set of responsibility. It freaks me out. But I'm a newlywed and that's what we're supposed to be thinking about right? Except sometimes I just wish the whole thing, the whole conversation would just go away. Now Mariah is talking about it, and Alicia is talking about it, and everytime it feels like pressure is mounting in my throat.

Bo, well, he didn't want kids before. Now he wants three. Except he has said from the time we got engaged that he doesn't think he's ready to have kids now. I've watched him really grow and mature over the years we've been dating. I asked him a few months ago if he thought he was mentally ready and he said he thinks so. However I know the thought of having to financially care for the child, he doesn't think he's ready for that right now. I know the person I have and have written a few times about how he's so financially disciplined and aware. I know it's extremely important for him to be able to financially care for his family at the level he would want us to be, which is quite a high level. I know this is a stress factor for him. But I fear he's getting closer, faster than I would have imagined. This past month my monthlies were a bit late and I said to him "what if I'm pregnant?". Now we have this conversation almost every time I'm a little under the weather, even though like I mentioned I have some medical issues AND we use contraception. Usually Bolaji puts his hands on his head and goes "Ye!" He says it playfully but I know that's the first thing he would think even though I also know he'd absolutely kick into gear with support and planning. But this last time when I asked he did that eyebrow raising thing and smiled. He's NEVER done that before. I told him, I think you're getting closer, and he just smiled and didn't say anything. This freaks me out. We've always been on the same page about not wanting kids now, but I'm scared he's flipping the page faster than I am!

My journey is a bit more complicated. I want kids, then I don't want them, then I think to ever want them is crazy, then I want them again, then I want them like NOW, well, you get the point. I love children and I think they are a blessing but sometimes I just don't know if they belong in my life. Like EVER. The thought is scary. Then I reason, okay say I even want to have kids, and I think I do (see? complicated), what about all the things I want to do? It is very likely Bolaji and I will be living separately for about a year next year as I've been accepted into a very exclusive and competitive program. I am extremely excited about this and look forward to it immensely. It's not a career move per se as, it's just something I've always wanted to do. At the same time I've recently been promoted at my job here and I can easily stay on for a long while. Also, Bolaji and I are planning to take about three months off to travel at the end of next year and we're looking forward to that and we're buying into a timeshare/summer home in our favorite city after this. This is the kind of life we want to live, it's what we plan for ourselves and it's extremely important. We say we want to have kids but it's extremely important to us that we are able to share these things with our children. We want them to grow up in a certain type of home, with certain type of luxuries. Right now we just are not there yet.

I think part of my frustration is that the baby conversation is so looming over us right now, but no matter how either of us feels at any particular moment, we just have to hold on a little longer.

Why all this anxiety and baby yes, baby no? Bolaji's best friend confided in him yesterday that they were expecting. We always knew they wanted kids but it's hit me particularly hard. I love Bo's bestfriend and his wife and since they also got married this year, it's been really great having like partner friends who are going through the same phase of life as we are. But now they're having a child, it feels like it's hitting home. This marriage and children thing is really real. Bolaji and I joke around that our kids are probably going to date each other because we're so close, and also that it would be funny if say our kids actually marry each other, further solidifying the friendship. These were all jokes though I thought. Something for us to think about say in the next two years. But here they are, pregnant! Wow. I'm incredibly happy for them and can't wait to meet the little one, I'm sure he/she will be one of my favorite babies (I'm known for smothering the babies in my life!) When Bolaji told me, it was like there was a big elephant in the room as we both realized wow, this baby having thing is real. It's a bit unnerving.

For me also I'm one of the first to get married amongst my friends and even family peers and knowing how tough it was going through that phase in my life I'm really reluctant to be one of the first to be pregnant and to be a mother as well. I lost so many friends when I got married, I'm just not prepared to loose even more by going through the motherhood phase.

Can't time just stop for a little bit so we can adjust before it starts clicking again? Can't we all just go back to the playbox where we met every recess/lunch-break and felt confident that for the next few days, weeks, months, years we would meet at that same box and play with the same friends?

Baby-worrying/planning sucks!

Yum Baby!

2010-10-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

I've posted before that I enjoy cooking and I visit a lot of foodie blogs in my downtime. Bo and I have very similar tastes with food and pretty much the same principles, which has made our home quite harmonious in that regard. Most days I cook and almost everyday Bolaji does the dishes. So this evening I decided to make Jamaican curry goat and roti, completely from scratch. My husband loves when I make curry goat and I know this but we usually have it with rice but this time I felt like Caribbean roti which I used to love when I lived elsewhere.

Now for those that don't know, this dish can take quite a long time to cook (about 3 hours simmering). I came home early because I knew I wanted to make this for dinner and just as I was getting ready for my hubby to come home I get a text:

Honey, I've confirmed a meeting with Chika from So and So Company for 8pm tonight at Bungalows.

Oh my! I had forgotten that he said he was going to try and meet with an ex-colleague for drinks to discuss some transaction. I just simply asked if he was going to come home first which he said he was. So I had put having a nice quiet dinner out of my mind. Bolaji walks in the door and I could just tell he's so excited about the smells coming from the kitchen. He makes a bee-line for the kitchen and right away finishes off a couple of rotis! Then he runs out the door. I sit to a nice quiet solo dinner with a glass of wine, next thing I now my beau is knocking at the door again. Confused I checked the clock and it's just 9 o'clock. Now I'm really confused, usually Bo's business meetings take easily 2/3 hours, he's back after 1hr! Bo barely says hello before he makes a bee-line for the kitchen again. Lol. Then comes the sounds as he's eating, and he's like "babes, this is phenomenal!" "Gosh I love you so much" and other things just coming out of his mouth. I ask him so is this why you rushed back home? He responds that well he only had water at this meeting since he didn't want to mess up his appetite. Wow. So what they say is true it seems.

Since we moved in together I've never kept like a timetable for meals. I just cook what I feel like so it never really gets boring because even I don't know what we're gonna eat. I'm thinking maybe Bo rushed his meeting because whatever it was he was discussing he kept on remembering that I've got yummy food and yummy wife at home and I've gotta get back now. I'm impressed I must say. Curry goat more often I say!

********UPDATE***********

I can see everyone's interested in the magic curry goat and roti! Ha! I followed two online recipes and I will paste the links below. Word for the wise though, especially with the curry goat recipe, I don't follow the ingredient list to the T. I had a Jamaican flatmate once who did a lot of cooking so I generally have a good idea how to make the popular jamaican dishes, curry goat included. While this particular recipe is the closest and best I've found to how my friend made it, there's no way I'm making 5 pounds of goat! I just make sure I have the components on hand and measure by eye for our own requirements (cooking for two!). I also don't add lentils or carrots because I almost never have those in my pantry. You can if you want (though I would still skip the lentils...). I also add potatoes when I have about 45 minutes left of cooking. If you can't find sherry or marsala, use red wine, it's fine, u can add a little sugar to the red wine but I don't even bother. Lastly I simmer mine for about 3 hours so the meat really just melts in your mouth.

For the roti, I stick very closely to the recipe! Oh, except that I add the water gradually to the flour because sometimes you might not need all that the recipe called for. If you don't have self-rising flour, you can substitute with 1 cup all purpose flour, 1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder, 1/4 teaspoon of salt!

Here are the links, enjoy!

Caribbean Curried Goat

Caribbean Roti 1 (I used this one)

Caribbean Roti 2

Love is NOT for Everyone - Part 2

2010-10-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who left comments on the last post. I really enjoy reading them and connecting to the people behind the comments. It might be odd but I also really enjoy the diversity of viewpoints. It's probably what I enjoy the most that so many people who've never met each other but perhaps have a common interest (which landed them on this blog) discuss an issue and look at it from the prism of their perspective and life experiences. Awesome!

I'd like to loosely add a sort of rejoinder to the last post though.

I think what I was trying to convey is that love is not something for an exclusive club but is for everyone and accessible to anyone. I don't deserve it more or less than anyone else here. Also rationally, anyone who says "Love is not for everyone" is simply saying loud and clear, "I don't think love is for me." You may not think so but everyone around can hear it loud and clear. Surely if you don't think love is for you, it's even more difficult for anyone else to show you that it is.

One of the unpleasant things I learnt from the process of planning a wedding and a marriage is that the romance of that one single act seems to negate everything else about my experiences and who I am in almost everyone's mind. It's like we all still carry that Cinderella syndrome around: "maiden was wondering about the woods with seven crazy dwarfs when she was suddenly found by her Prince and they kissed and lived happily ever after". How can such a maiden know about life? She was wondering in the woods for crying out loud! If only this were true.

My first boyfriend is married to a stripper. Whatever conclusions to be drawn from this situation is probably true.

My second boyfriend 'broke up' with me (and I use that term loosely) when after traveling 10 hours by bus to pay him a surprise visit, a girl who I thought was a friend, opened the door. In my guy's shirt. I was then told to leave, except I had forgotten my wallet. 10 hours away. At home. Yes. It was 1 am and I had no where to go. I stayed in that house that night, in the living room while the man I had come to see stayed in his room with the other girl.

I dated someone who was already married. With kids. Without knowing this. They lived in another country.

I have not ALWAYS had love. I've listened to the Destiny's Child song "Free" while drinking some red wine and ordering everything of the menu of the local chinese restaurant with my best friend. I'm a woman. Yes I'm married, but I'M A WOMAN. Of course I've had all sorts of experiences with all sorts of mean-spirited, heartless men. Of course I've wondered when it would all stop.

This is all the more reason why, I firmly believe within all of my heart that love is not for a selective few but for everyone. Whether you've been heartbroken or not. Whether you're 22 or 92. One of my parent's neighbors is getting married. She's 82. She used to bake cookies every week for the neighborhood but now everyone's complaining because she hasn't baked for months! She doesn't have the time. Her husband's 89 and they're busy hanging out and enjoying each other's company.

Love is absolutely for everyone. And it's wonderful, and beautiful, and amazing, and indescribable. It doesn't come when you want it, or command it to come. It'll come when it's right for you. When God says, okay there you go. Go!

Another thing.

I'm in love with my husband but life doesn't end. That's a misconception. I'd like to correct that misconception. I don't stay at home naked all day with a bouquet of red roses in my hand, while constant deliveries of chocolates and more flowers arrive at our doorstep and we just....revel in love. Day in day out. Yes I'm blessed but now I have to get on with it. Live my life, build our lives, pay rent, save, pay my bills, service my car, dream of holidays we can't afford right now, plan for kids, write exams, work. Finding a mate is just the beginning. Now there's a life to live and it's not for kids.

But I digress.

Love? That's the easy, fun part. I'm more convinced than ever that God didn't create it for just a select few but for everyone. It may not have happened now, but it can. Absolutely.

NB:- I'm sorry for the rant!

Love is NOT for Everyone

2010-10-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

I read this statement somewhere recently and it really stuck. For me when I hear someone say "Love is just not for everyone," what I hear is:

"I've given up on love"

"I don't think anyone can possibly love me"

"I don't deserve the romance, attention, devotion that comes from love"

"I'm disappointed and bitter that no one has loved me in that love of ages way yet"

"If true love existed, I would have had someone by now"

And so on. All these phrases are absolutely negative and I think to myself, who in their right mind would even want to TRY being with someone who harboured all these negative thoughts and all this disillusionment. It is completely unattractive. Seriously, anyone thinking these thoughts should just....STOP. Apart from being unattractive it just reeks of desperation and attention seeking. Certainly it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If there was a fly on the wall who could report back about the goings on in our home, there would be many a eye-rolling. Bo and I are so completely in love and we affirm it and share it several times a day. Truly, we are that kind of couple. I am completely, fully, and absolutely crazy in love with my husband.

But get this, I didn't deserve it.

I still don't. I don't even think I did anything extraordinary for love to come into my life and to come in this splendid way. I am completely aware that I am blessed and we both know that a love like this is one written in the stars, one destined for ages. We don't deserve it. But we have it. And I believe God in his infinite mercy and grace, gave it to us. I know God loves us all unconditionally and He GAVE me love. My question is why wouldn't He give anybody else? Why wouldn't He give YOU?

If we come down to earth, the truth is anybody, male or female, is attracted to a confident, stable person who is fun to be around, fun to be with. That's it. No one wants to be with someone who's carrying bitterness, and hurt, and self-loathing around like a backpack. So shed it.

Love is for everyone and can happen for everyone. It's not something for a select special being. It's real and it's as wonderful as you can ever imagine, stop being afraid and be ready to welcome it whenever it shows itself in your life!

Enjoy This Moment

2010-09-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

I usually get moments of bursts of spiritual growth. When it happens I tend to be highly aware that I need to constantly pay attention and need to constantly seek God every moment. I'm not sure why this happens to me but it does. I've been experiencing this burst these last few weeks/months.

This particular spurt I think comes from my new sense of orientation, my new world as it may be. I'm after all now a wife. Perhaps soon to be a mother. Most importantly I'm the head of a new household of which I bear responsibility for. There's something in the Bible about a wise woman building up her home but a foolish one tearing it down. I'm aware of the weight of this. I'm trying to build my home, this is a magnificent task when one thinks about it. Finally I can set about the business of life with the love of my partner, this love which truly is the mirror for me to view myself (I of course agree with From Now Till I Do here). I read once a statement from Selwyn Hughes, whom I greatly admire, that marriage is the institution God put in place for us to finally begin to understand His love for us, to finally understand what it means to say "like Christ loved the Church". I get this now. I think it is from this new realization that this growth is spewing forth.

To shorten this post a little, I've been drawn to meditation lately. Not in the strange sense but after my daily exercise routine I just feel a great need to sit down, stretch, and just be still. There a saying in this book I'm reading that resonates with me. It says prayer is our time of communicating with God, talking to him, but meditation is a time to listen. I chose a relaxation method then I'm just quiet...and still. I used to meditate a lot in college but I stopped years ago. The first time I pick it up again a few weeks ago, I sit and just sing my Anglican hymns I can remember in my head. And then I start praying, you know the normal prayers - thanksgiving, acknowledgment and repentence, asking asking asking, prayer for friends & family, thanksgiving, end. I think to myself instead of asking asking asking, I should give too. Give to my Church, give to my neighbours, to strangers, to everyone, just give of myself, of my resources, of my time. I'm going to start adding, God grant me the grace to give of myself freely.

My post today though is that we're always worrying about tomorrow, or about the past. To relate this to Bo & I and our relationship, or our journey, we're always thinking do we have enough to meet our desires to travel, to have children soon, to live comfortably? Or perhaps looking in the past - maybe we should have done things differently, etc. But part of being still, is enjoying the moment, the NOW. Wherever we are in life, we should enjoy it, experience it FULLY. I think as newlyweds, this is very difficult as I think part of our job description is to worry and get caught up in planning for our families, our futures. This I understand, but perhaps for now, for right NOW, we are exactly where God wants us to be, doing what exactly He has prepared for us at this moment. And this is okay. Smell the roses. Yes, there are thorns by the side, but LOOK, you got ROSES sister!

All On Our Own

2010-09-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

Our cleaner quit. Not in that respectful, thanks for everything but I'm ready to move on kind of way but in a I'll just not show up and that will tell them I'm not showing up ever again way. Which is awful. Bo and I have always had a cleaner. This guy. He comes in once a week and does a phenomenal and thorough, almost clinical job of cleaning our apartment. He took a break once and we hired a replacement in the meantime and she was horrible. I had dried water droplets on pretty much everything. Our cleaner (I'll call him Oye) came back and all was well with the world. I helped him develop his business ideas and Bo gave him free financial advice. And now he has quit. Without telling us.

I hate domestic staff, i.e maids, maiguards, stewards, drivers, all. Luckily Bo and I agree very much on this so as long as we can't absolutely live our lives without staff, we won't have them. It really isn't about child labour (which is quite frankly a good thing to keep in mind) or any activist reason but I like my personal space and I don't like strange people in it with all the faux bowing madam/servant dynamics. It's just not for me. Also I've decided that I actually don't like or enjoy training any illiterate person. Nothing against them personally but it's just not for me. So we have what's almost a no domestics vow in our household. The only aspect on which we give on this is the cleaner. But the caveat is/was no live-in person, and a very professional service which we got with Oye.

I know many Nigerian ladies equate getting married with being the big madam and you can't be a madam without someone "madame-ing" you. I have a friend who hired a second driver and a maid the second she got engaged (I'm exaggerating on the time but not by much). Yet another who has 2 drivers, a gateman, 2 maids and a nanny living with her and she just got married in March! They have no kids yet and the nanny is in anticipation of her getting pregnant this year. It seems such an odd thing that we as a society so readily accept strangers into our homes, even still when we all have heard all sorts of stories about such strangers. I had a friend who's gateman ran away with all her jewelry and stories are abound. I think to myself of course, they are strangers! They don't know you and you don't really know them. I'll just never understand it. When I have kids, I'm going to try and raise them on my own but of course I know absolutely nothing about that phase of life so who knows, maybe I'll change my mind. I'm determined not to though.

Since Oye left, my babe and I have tried to take on cleaning our apartment as a task. Last week I swept the whole house myself with our local broom and my backsides hurt for days! And Bo is just a Godsend of a husband. He most absolutely holds his own share of the domestic tasks. He probably even does more than me (and always has even with the cleaner). I'm so amazed at him and while I say thank you to him with kisses as he works around the house, I try not to let it show how overly excited I am that my husband is not one of those that leaves their clothes or shoes lying about. So we were kind of cute last weekend dividing up the house tasks. We're so determined to make it work. So he sweeps (he says he prefers sweeping to mopping), he sweeps and I mop. He does our toilet and bath I do the guest toilet and bath, I clean the mirrors in the living room, he cleans the mirrors in the bedroom. He also does dishes every night after I cook, and almost always does the laundry. We're like a little team BoKem! I love my man so much. To me he seems like more man than any other man I know if that makes sense. I think it takes a bigger man to do all those things. It takes a bigger man to step up to the plate with his woman and be her true partner in everything.

Even though we're definitely in the market for a new cleaner, I'm looking forward to us doing this together and figuring out a way to maintain the cleanliness of our home at a standard we want. We're fully on our own, which in Nigeria as a newly married couple, I think is somewhat of a feat.

Ok on a lighter note, my dorky (read I think he's cute lol) hubby just came into the room and said want to hear an investment banking joke?

So imagine you've been working late, you're extremely tired, you barely drag your feet to the station to take the last bus which is full and crowdy. Everyone's quiet and you start to doze off because you're so tired. An older woman walks into the bus and tries to make eye contact with someone who would offer her a seat on the bus, what do you do?

A: Nothing. You're an investment banker, you wouldn't be on a bus!

HA!

Marriage = Happiness & Peace

2010-09-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

My hubby is in the study doing a bit of work and I'm in our living room surfing the web, it's quiet outside and in except for the sound of the dryer lulling on and off. I'm happy. I feel at peace with this my home.

Yesterday I had the privilege of having dinner with two of my close girlfriends and by December 2010 all three of us would be married and one would be very close to giving birth to her first child! It was a great dinner and we spent the time chatting about our lives, our loves, our homes, and really some of our hopes for the future. At a table next to us sat four women, perhaps in their late 30s with a few kids at the table, also chatting very vividly with laughs and hugs interspersed, like a later version of our own group. I'm happy. I felt at peace with my experiences this year.

A few days ago, Bo & I went to see the movie Grown Ups with Adam Sandler and some other funny men and while the movie was largely goofy and funny, there was a scene just towards the end when one of the characters says "You know the first half of your life is exciting, it's when you try all the new things, and do all the running around, but the second half...well that's well the magic REALLY happens, that's when you get depth to your life." I looked around the theatre for a moment because it was like whoever wrote that script was stealing from my thoughts. I've always said to Bo that I felt that with my weddings and my marriage I have finally left the first phase of my life and now moving comfortably into the next. Marriage and starting a family comes with it's own completely new set of realities and worries and concerns and joys. So different. I hugged Bo a little tighter in the theatre that night, snuggle in close and I'm happy. I felt at peace with this new phase of my life.

Recently I was discussing with a whole bunch of ladies, some who were just about to get married, some who had already celebrated anniversaries, and some of us who were still green and new. There was a pregnant woman amongst us and she says so when are you and Bo planning to have your first? I look at her and say "I don't know, just not anytime soon" She was taken aback. Another young lady who was getting married in October says , "Oh I know we're like that too we want to wait about six months before trying" and I said well, that sounds great but I think we'll probably wait for a few more years. She says, "Years???". I shrug and answer in the affirmative. The conversation then moves into preparing a woman's body for pregnancy and everyone calmly or kindly shoves me to the corner. Instead of feeling well, shoved aside, I felt free. I felt wonderfully clear-minded. I was happy. I felt at peace with my hubby and I's plan and vision for our family.

If I've learnt anything this year it's to stay true to oneself. There's so much societal noise, and Nigeria certainly a place where there's no qualms about societal pressure to conform, but it is important as ladies for us to find our inner true selves, our own voices, and follow that path and that path alone. If you don't want a large carnival wedding, don't have one REGARDLESS. If you don't feel like you are absolutely ready to push another human being through your female parts and nurse it, then don't do it yet. If you don't feel absolutely overjoyed and excited at the thought of waking up at 90, looking across at your husband, and thanking God that the man next to you is a witness to this crazy journey of life, then don't get married. If you can't find any logical reasoning as to why your name should change simply because you declared your love for another human being, then don't change it. If you don't feel like living in a big house in Lekki with a maid, a cleaner, two drivers, a maiguard, and a load of other strangers that bow to you and call you Madam when you're only 25 then don't.

Those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

At almost six months in, Bo & I and our relationship is no longer about whether we love the other person or whether Bo will propose or not, or whether he'll call or not. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. Dearly. Now the relationship is about building a life. A task that brings me indescribable and immense joy and pleasure. I firmly believe that this is because we are committed to defining ourselves and ourselves within our marriage on our OWN terms.

Hmmpf...

2010-08-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so upset right now.

Just got back from date night and the mister and I just had a mini pow wow. Half way through date night Bo looks at his watch and says "we have to get outta here soon I have some work to do."

I'm upset because date night is date NIGHT. Not date 2 hours, but date NIGHT. I don't care if the Martians have invaded earth and their spaceship has landed at your office, it's date frigging NIGHT. I go a little off and we leave and as soon as we get into the house I hug him close and give him a kiss and say I'm not trying to pressure him but I need him to take this stuff seriously, like hernia/heartattack serious. He says well, he does feel pressured and perhaps he'd just have been better canceling date night today. I go off. again. Then I get frustrated. Now I'm in bed with the lights off blogging about how frustrated I am.

Hmmpf. Deep breath.

You see, marriage is this thing that you create out of your own two hands, out of nothing, out of the air! Forget all that love stuff, that's just the beginning. But marriage? You have to keep working at it and creating and building and molding. I want so very much to say "well fine then, how about NO date night? I too have things to do with my time..." but rather than that I have to work through this stuff so we can come out stronger on the other side.

*****UPDATE******

I'm so happy that my blog friends are smart intelligent women (or men who knows!). I'm completely fine now, it was just one of those normal marriage things but I want to share both ups and downs. Also it's quite therapeutic to blog. I tried commenting this morning but blogger was acting up, I see I have a few more comments now so I'll go back to read.

Well, never go to sleep upset is what they say so I put my "anger" aside and just made sure I had a great night's rest. This morning we discussed a bit more and Bo says he understands better now where I'm coming from. Our communication process is so weird I think. It usually goes like this, I (or he) voice my feelings, I ask how he feels about what I've said, he responses and asks if I understand what he has said, I repeat what I've said and what he's said. And then I ask if he has anything he wants to say, am I being fair? He responds. Then kiss and make up, lol. Then I ask what he's thinking even though I know he needs sometime to process the conversation, he says nothing just letting everything sink in. I leave it then a couple of days later he'll randomly come to me and say you know, that thing we were talking about I think XYZ. Whew.

I'm okay. The date night journey continues! I bet you some day our kids are going to roll their eyes about date night and not know it was turbulent in the start lol!

Then Comes Kemi In A Baby Carriage?

2010-08-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

So inevitably the topic comes up.

Bolaji and I have a funny history when it comes to babies. When we first started dating, Bolaji did NOT see himself as being married at all and definitely did not see himself having kids. In fact he actually told me that he rather saw himself living a quiet life with his girlfriend, traveling and experiencing life, just the two of them forever. Most girls would have run but I was a bit strange too. While I always thought I would indeed get married, it was all something that "other people" do and not me. For as long as I can remember too I've told all my closest friends that I wasn't too sure of the baby thing and I would really consider trying surrogacy. This was before surrogacy was even cool, or in any case as acceptable as it is now. One of my college friends even stopped speaking to me for so long after I mentioned that I thought all pregnant women should have a home (Sorry to my pregnant blog friends, trust me, BELIEVE me at this point in my life I realize how....silly that statement was/is). So when my boyfriend tells me that he doesn't really see himself having kids, it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

As we started to plan our lives together though things started to change little by little. Of course we started to discuss if we REALLY wanted to have kids and how many we’d like. Imagine my shock when my darling fiancé (at the time) says he wants 3 children! I said I wanted 2 and I still do and I feel very strongly about that but what a jump for Mr. I-Don’t-See-Myself-Having-Kids. Maybe it was always all or nothing for him. We also talked about when in our marriage we’d like to start having children. We both agreed that we’d like to wait for a bit. In fact we even decided on a particular year and locked the conversation away. Done. Right?

Well not so fast. To be honest I’m not quite sure who changed first. If you will recall I’m thinking of going back to grad school to do yet another degree. I think that’s where the turnaround started. Do I become pregnant before, during, or after this program? What was the best choice? Instinctively it sounds better after grad school but at that time I will either be looking for a job or just starting a new job in a new field so that can’t be a good time for kids. But then you throw in age into the equation and things get even more complicated. If I wait until after grad school and a few years of employment I would be well in my mid-thirties and with my reproductive issue, would we just be creating headaches for ourselves in the future? I even started to read about pregnant grads (and believe me there’s a lot on this topic if you google). Somewhere in between all this thinking I started to think well perhaps… now? Then I’d get scared about the whole prospect and think, nah. I can see Bolaji is going through the same thing too. We currently use contraceptive methods and randomly he says to me, “why don’t we stop?” I remind him that he doesn’t want kids right now and he just snaps out of it. Lol. Now we went to a cousin’s naming ceremony this past weekend and it was so cute to see Bolaji. He was afraid to carry the baby and I had to basically force her into his arms and then all he could say literally for 10 mins was “Wow”, “Wow.” He was blown away by life. And then my cousin and his wife told us the entire birth story (they’re first time parents) and we laughed and joked and had a good time but I think for both of us, it just made it more real. Like, oh my gosh are we going to have to go through this too? My cousin and his wife earn less than we do as an income and they seem fine so perhaps financial stability is not that prohibitive? Or we start thinking maybe you are never too ready anyway.

On the other hand I think of one of my favorite blogs From Marriage to Motherhood, and they seem like they are so well planned out. They seem to have planned having a baby and just seem better, calmer, and well-adjusted to the new addition. I think Bolaji and I just really want our family to be planned, to be able to provide for our kids at the level we want, we want to be ready financially and emotionally. Sometimes I feel I really really want one now, other times I think I don't even mind if we never have any (God forbid we be infertile which is different from simply deciding not to have). Either way for now, we wait.

One of our favorite movies that deals with the cycle, sacrifices, and joys of family life is Marley and Me. Bolaji and I watch that move over and over again. It chronicles the life of a couple as boyfriend/girlfriend to affianced, to newlywed, to parents, all while touching on the different issues, joys, and challenges that could go on at each stage. I think we also try and learn from it too. Planning is important and can avoid a lot of stressors but one just has to keep in mind that things will never be perfect too.

This story continues.

Everlasting Honeymoon

2010-07-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Many times I open up the New Post tab and all I want to do is write this:

Gosh, I love my hubby. He's the best. I'm so happy. How can anyone be this happy, should I pinch myself? Gosh this is so cool guys. I feel like I'm falling in love everyday, freshly. How did I get this lucky? Happy, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Love, Love, Love....

Then I smack myself across the face. Of course no one wants to read that, it's nauseating. How is that news? Then I think about something that's happened recently that's worth sharing because there's a story or a lesson behind it, there's a use to it. But today is a day that my heart is so full, and I'm so much in love, and feeling REALLY blessed.

I just got home from a friend's wedding (day off from work, YES!). I never used to like weddings at all before I got engaged, I could care less for them. Before getting engaged I had probably been to 3 weddings in my entire life. Then of course by the time I got engaged, wedding season amongst our friends and family was in full effect, and everyone knows if you want anyone to come to yours, you've gotta go to theirs so we went to quite a few. We started to enjoy them a bit more but we still wouldn't willingly give up our saturdays for it, you know. THEN we got married and i've already posted a bit about how the first few weddings I went to were tough for me because I couldn't help but compare myself and my wedding to the bride and her wedding. I'm happy to report that I am firmly over that phase now.

But this traditional wedding we went to today was very special. The bride is a friend of mine for a few years now and the groom funny enough is one of Bolaji's closest friends. Soon after we got engaged, naturally, all eyes just turned to Nkem because they were just that close. Of course, the ring came soon after and we were all so excited and we've been waiting for this date for a long time. Nkem and Sheila are such a nice and sweet couple. I was so happy to be participating in Sheila's wedding and since she's the first close friend of mine to get married after me, it was like I was experiencing the whole process anew. It took me back to my day and just the romance of knowing you are tied to your hubby in the eyes of all your family and relatives. I started to think of how marrying Bolaji was the best thing that has EVER happened to me and got really teary eyed at my friend Sheila also experiencing this same special happiness and joy of being a WIFE.

I have to say also seeing my hubby in his white lace, VERY GQ'd out, I was so happy, like that man is MY HUBBY! There's something about a nice Nigerian man, in a crisp white lace, with cufflinks, shades, and smelling SO good. I kept on saying to Bolaji, oh my you look so hot, if I weren't married to you I'd be checking you out at this party. He just smiled.

Man, people have been asking me so how's married life. It's so wonderful filled with shared moments and experiences like this, with friends and family, it's even more amazing than anyone could say.

So right now, I'm gonna stop writing. I'm going to go take a fresh shower, put on my nice dress that drives Bolaji crazy, put on my make up, my flirty earrings, bring out that bottle of champagne, that box of chocolates, and well...enjoy being married!

Is This How Divorces Are Made?

2010-07-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

So we have a friend who while otherwise being a perfectly good person, ALWAYS has something negative to say about marriage. Bolaji has known this person, let's call him TJ for a quite some time, they went to King's College together, then met up again abroad in university. I on the other hand know TJ as one of my cousin's ex-boyfriend. So we know him quite well and I can attest to the fact that he really is a good person. However since knowing him as a couple, i.e Bolaji and I, he's just always had something to say.

When we first got engaged he'd make comments like "oh no, it all goes downhill from here". Or he'll say kiss goodbye to the woman and relationship you have now because it's all going to disappear, or if we're holding hands (which we always do), he'd say "don't worry this is going to stop abruptly soon". He asks Bolaji, "does she allow you to listen to your own music now? don't worry that will change and you'll never be allowed to any longer". The woman you're dating now is not going to be your wife and all kinds of scary crazy things. The thing is TJ is married! He has been married for the past 3 years and has two beautiful daughters to show. At first his offhand comments used to slide behind my back but I started to get really ticked off! All of his qualms about marriage where about the woman and I really didn't appreciate him saying things to an almost married man (at the time) that could scare him or give him jitters. I discussed it with Bolaji and he was like you know what? He's just jealous about our happiness and doesn't know how to show it, the best way to deal with him is also make a quip about how happy WE are and roll with the punches that way.

I say all of this to set the scene. A few weeks ago, at a friend's party TJ goes "so when was the last time you guys argued?" and he said it in this really smirky way as if he really wanted to prove himself right about how terrible marriage is. Bolaji and I looked at each other and replied..."you know what? I can't even remember!" But we also made a show of it and feigned like we were trying to remember and couldn't. Shame. You could tell he was disappointed that he couldn't be proven right at that time. I was so happy because truly at the time he asked we hadn't even had a misunderstanding/disagreement in a long stretch so I REALLY couldn't remember!

Cut to last week. One of the thorns of our relationship is that I LOVE giving and receiving gifts and my love could care less really! lol. He's one of those people that doesn't celebrate birthdays or any other type of anniversary, meanwhile I'm the kind of person that you could come in to the house and find a 100 balloons and a special cake to surprise you on the little things. So we are quite different that way. We celebrated our 3rd month anniversary last week and I also finally did my name change so of course I was in the mood for a little celebration. Bolaji was very blase about it. That evening not only does he come home later than usual, he then says he would really love to go to a going-away dinner for one of our friends who was leaving Nigeria for good (he had forgotten about the surprise dessert tasting I had arranged for us!). I was very upset and felt that he wasn't considering how important it was to me to celebrate milestones in my life. This little thing turned into a big full blown disagreement (we are not yellers so it's hard to say fight lol). I ended up listening to Beyonce's "Why Don't You Love Me" to sleep which in my head is the highest scale of marital unhappiness i guess lol. The next day we got up and it was another round of trying to listen and understand and explain to each other. I was exhausted. Just as we were beginning to patch things up, something completely different happened again that day to cause even more tension and friction.

During this time I was thinking those thougths that all I think all newlyweds will think at some point during their first year: Aaargh, I'm so mad at him, gosh what have I gotten myself into? I thought many different things. In that moment of feeling unloved, unheard, and just plain feeling that this marriage thing can indeed be tough, I thought of the carefree single days. I thought what if this man can't change and I can't change, could we be happy?

That evening Bolaji headed to one of his best friend's bach eve. Not even an hour in, he sends me a message:

Gosh, where do all these women come from? I'm sitting here, looking around, and I've never felt even more confident that I picked the right person, that I'm truly content and truly happy. I'm good, I don't need nor want anything else. I love you very much. Very very much and don't ever doubt this.

About thirty minutes later he sends me another message:

Okay I'm officially sad now, all these men grinding on all this women and gyptian ft. nikki is on and I'm by myself wishing my babes was here. I'm leaving here soon, once Nkem comes out of the room they've locked him in. (Bolaji really REALLY likes that Gyptian song!)

I tell him I'm trying on the dresses I just got back from the tailor and he asks me to please send pictures so he can see them on me. He comes home a little after that and I'm not sure what it was but it's like he just realized that whatever we were arguing about did not matter in the grand scheme of things. He grabs me and holds me so tight. I get a little perspective too. Here is my man. The man that goes to a bach eve and rushes home because he misses his wife. The man that isn't afraid to share his feelings with me. A man that loves me so very much, that he tells me almost every week that he dedicates his life to making sure I'm happy and cared for. A man who wakes me up to kisses all over my face.

A lot of marital activities went on these last few days ;-)

All kidding aside, I wanted to post about this incident because it was my first real challenge and realization that yes, marriage is going to have it's rough bits. I also gained a new consciousness that it is the journey that we are going for, the ups and downs of it all is exactly what we've signed up for. I thought to myself, how many of young couples out there go through their rough patches and instead of choosing to grow from it, choose to grow apart from it. And yes, it is a choice: Am I going to learn from this or am I going to withdraw just a little bit from this relationship because of it? Be wary of the withdrawal and teach the TJs in your life a thing or two!

We also talked about having kids this past week but that's the next post :-)

Honeymoon Post

2010-07-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

I took some photos on my honeymoon specifically with this blog in mind but I've had said pictures in my computer for the longest time and just didn't get up to posting them. Now that I have a bit more free time on my hands I thought I'd share.

We only had a very short mini-moon and the hubs and I headed down to a beautiful home owned by one of our friends and stayed there for a few days. You will recall that I hightailed it out of here very quickly as we experienced some hurricane weather while there but the pictures do look lovely and I've enjoyed reminiscing about the bliss of those first days of marriage.

The view from the sliding door of our bedroom.

Taken right on our bed!

I took this pic sitting on the toilet seat ha!

Closest neighbor is quite far.

Our honeymoon suite (house) as we head off to our Day at the Spa!

Still taking pics as hubby drives :-)

The surrounding community. Look closely and you'll see about 2 or 3 houses.

Getting ready to hit the jacuzzi...yay!

I had to sit here to wait for the hubs. For some reason I got changed and out much quicker than he did. I couldn't wait to start off the different therapies.

A view of the Spa Resort as we were heading out. I was so sad to go.

That evening when we got back we lit a fire:

and watched the sun set. Bliss!

The next morning we woke up to a beautiful day....but had to head back into town to pack and come back to Lagos.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day!

The end. :-) There's my honeymoon photo album. I tried to record some video but Bolaji jumped into the clip and that was that. Our honeymoon is special to us for obvious and perhaps not so obvious reasons. We will forever cherish our few days secluded at the tip of the earth!

MasterChef At Large

2010-06-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

I love cooking. Some people believe there are two kinds of people: cooking types and baking types. I am proud to say that I'm a bit of both. I love to cook and I absolutely love to bake. I've essentially live alone since the age of 17 up until the day I moved in with Bolaji. During the time I lived alone I was the child that tried baking and cooking everything from apple pies to chocolate cakes and everything in-between. Then I went off to college and though I cooked occasionally, I was missing a key ingredient: an audience. Cooking is definitely a labor of love and is not that much fun when you do it alone. Besides most cooks know that sometimes you just don't feel like eating after slaving away at the stove. Long story short, even after moving to Nigeria, Nando's and Sweet Sensation were my best friends. I would have occasional dinners where I would go all out but those where once in a blue moon. I had even garnered the reputation around my friends (and boyfriends!) that Kemi doesn't cook. I just smiled and said nothing. I heard a quote once that all women cook or know how to cook, if you are a man and they haven't cooked for you, they just are not that into you! :-)

I love my hubby for not EVER pressuring me about food. He, of course, also assumed I didn't know how to cook, but I can honestly say he just figured somehow we would eat and as long as he was dining with me, it didn't matter who cooked the food. This is a sweet thought, yes, but he didn't know how to cook either so I'm not sure what he had figured! LOL. Imagine his surprise when we moved in together and he would come home to hot cooked meals. We both don't eat too much Nigerian food so he would come home to tasty Italian, Indian, Mediterranean/Lebanese dishes. One of my first dishes was this:

Moroccan Lamb Stew with Chickpeas

I love Caribbean food and in Lagos there aren't many places for you to try Jerk Chicken or Curry Goat so I make it.

Of course the pictures above are not mine. I always say I'll take pictures of the things I cook but when I'm in the kitchen I'm moving so fast and it's a bit out of the way to have to grab the camera and take pictures while my onions are caramelizing! But I did manage to take a few photos on my phone:

Buttermilk Oatmeal Bread

Homemade Gnocchi & Lamb Marinara sauce

Bolaji has told me of how he and his ex-girlfriend shared a lot of moments together in the kitchen. She apparently also loved to cook and they spent many times together laughing and trying so many recipes. He talks about those times like those were part of the good times of a past relationship. The other night as I made the gnocchi, he was also in the kitchen with me. I had never tried making it before so I was very skeptical about the whole thing but as I put the gnocchi balls in the hot water and it floated, Bolaji opens up and says, well, don't know if I ever told you this before but Sandy (his ex) tried to make gnocchi and it was such a disaster, the thing didn't float. So I tease him that all the while he was probably just waiting for my gnocchi to float before he would know for sure that we were having dinner that night! He smiles and goes off to the laundry room to iron his shirt. When dinner was ready I went in to call him and he grabs me and says you know what? "When my last relationship ended I prayed to God that the next person he brings into my life must be better than this one that's ending and I look at you and think of us and God gave me even more than I could ever wish for". Isn't that sweet?

I mentioned to Bo once though that I've read many places that this is how the honeymoon period is in a marriage so if say in five years I'm only cooking okro and beans or something, please he should be prepared for it oh. Lol. He says well he'd like his kids to also enjoy delicious home cooking, this is when I turn and snicker to him. Perhaps he should learn how to cook then! To be fair though, he asked me a few months ago if I wanted a cook since I'm so busy sometimes it's really difficult to come home from work then have to start thinking of what to cook etc. While I know there are many Lagos girls who would die for a cook, I just don't like having domestic staff period. I hate people in my space and for the life of me I can't wrap my head around letting complete strangers into the sanctity of my home. It seems so crazy that people readily do that here. For now I've said no to the cook but who knows, maybe I'll change my mind soon. For now, it's me practicing for my appearance on masterchef! :-)

Some of my favorite foodie blogs here:

Confections of a Foodie Bride

Yum Sugar

The Avartsy Kitchen Chronicles

As you can tell, I can probably go on forever. I love food blogs! For me the process usually is I look at the ingredients I have in my pantry or fridge, or if I'm craving something specifically, then I google the items or what I'm craving, click images, then pick the ones that seem to be on foodie blogs since they tend to give you step by step pictures along with the recipes. And then another tip for those who love cooking but also live in Lagos where we can't just waltz in a grocery store and find everything we want, stock up on spices little by little, then when shopping look for little treasures everywhere. I found eggplant at shoprite for N70! So just keep your eyes peeled. Anyway, I'll let you know when my masterchef appearance will be ;-) (j/k).

Break in Transmission

2010-06-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

From time to time I get periods that I'm so busy I have to schedule even my teethbrushing in the morning! This is one of those time periods. When I'm going through this I usually leave a cute pic and a short message so here we are. Cute Pic. Check. Short Message. Check.

To my new followers, welcome! I'm usually more interesting than this but work is my second husband for now and he needs tending to! I'll be back.

Wedding Envy & Kemi Gets Her Groove Back!

2010-06-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

I couldn't decide between the two titles so I've just included both in. They are kind of related. This post will probably be a little disjointed.

Happy June Month! June is a great month, not only because it's the middle of the year, it's the real beginning of summer, or that i have many loved ones with birthdays in June, but the most important reason of all: I got engaged June 20, 2009! It's almost been a year since the whirlwind of my life started. I still tell Bo that that day was the best day of my life. Everything about it was beautiful. I loved the wedding day and my traditional day but nothing beats the romance and happiness of the day you get engaged. Actually in order of happiness? I would say Engagement Day, Traditional Wedding, then White Wedding. It seems weird to me because that's not what I would have expected but that's the order. I remember worrying myself silly as to whether Bolaji was going to buy me a ring, then funny enough being caught completely unawares when it actually happened. I remember like yesterday he telling me he wanted to share his life journey with me and then getting down on one knee. The feeling if I could describe it is being swept off my feet. I was so happy. The whole entire day I was lightheaded and dizzy and quite frankly could not believe it was happening to me. Absolutely happiest day of my life. My trad was quite simply magical and I will forever cherish it. Like seriously, m-a-g-i-c-a-l. My white wedding, I stressed about so many things and there were so many aspects of it that honestly, I could only enjoy it through the pictures after the event. Not necessarily stressed in a bad way but I tend to go into project management mode, so I essentially project managed my wedding and didn't really experience it and appreciate it until even now. So in short (HA!) here's to June 20, 2009 - what a difference a 24-hour day could make!

Now unto wedding envy, if any of my ladies here have been married and experienced wedding envy please do share your story. I'm learning a lesson about weddings that I would like to share. Essentially, it's that you will never have everything you wanted at your wedding, never. Some things will be off, some things will go wrong, (as I've talked about many times) some friends and family will disappoint, and you just might forget to decorate your cake table (lol), or your groom may be 1 1/2 hours late and therefore you loose your light for pictures (only brides truly understand the gravity of this lol). It is important to cleanse these things out of your soul (yes soul, it goes that deep) and let it go. The first wedding I went to after we got back from our mini-honeymoon, I was a wreck. Bolaji even had to almost shake me, like, Kemi, trust me, our wedding was FABULOUS. I was busy comparing everything I saw to what happened at mine and I got really sad and down. It was so bad, I became withdrawn and wanted to leave soon after we got there. And then I started comparing every wedding dress I saw to my own. It was just madness. Bolaji had to have a talk with me. He basically told me I was being ungrateful because I prayed so hard for my wedding and all the preparations around it and it went beautifully, the pictures are gorgeous, and it was intimate and purposeful like we had wanted and prayed for. Most of all, it was over! Lol. It might not have been your average perfect wedding, but no wedding ever is, it was YOUR wedding and love it dammit! Those were kind of his words but paraphrased. :-) I listened to him. As time goes by and things return to normal, I'm getting my objectivity and perspective back and truly all I can be is thankful. I'm happy and at peace with the way everything went. Now when I see or go to a wedding I just say another prayer, "thank God i'm a wedding graduate!"

Speaking of things returning to normal, boy I cannot say enough how happy I am that my world is returning back to normal post wedding planning. Truth be told I hated planning my wedding. Almost every aspect of it (except visiting my florist at her shop at the apex of a mountain surrounded by vineyards, oh and menu tasting with my sis-in-law). Your world gets subsumed into this planning machine and before you know it you don't even have time (or money quite frankly) to do the things you did before. Bolaji and I are pretty artsy folks, so we went to a lot of events in the Lagos indie art scene, there is one i assure you. But that's what we did, ate out at lovely restaurants, partied with friends at different night spots, and hang out with our expat friends. During planning though, we almost did none of these. We didn't have time, any down time you just wanted to sleep and not think. I'm very glad to say that we are slowly getting back into the groove of things. We are slowly getting back to the stage where the fact that we were getting married or are married is no longer the most interesting thing about us. It's lovely! This is spilling into all aspects of our lives. I have a confession. I mentioned that we didn't consummate our marriage on our wedding night. This is true. But we didn't consummate our marriage till about 3 days in. The only thing I can attribute this to is that we were just used to not having sex it wasn't that big of a deal and all of our guests were still around and we were still very busy. On the honeymoon, not much of action was going on there either, quite frankly I was busy being scared for my life (you try experiencing a hurricane while you're in a glass house in the middle of the ocean!). Interestingly though, is that what I've realized is that the more I unwound myself from wedding stress, the better our sex life has gotten. I'm being honest here. The first few weeks weren't like jumping off the chandeliers. But now....lol. I'll keep that to myself. :-) On a serious note though I wanted to mention that specifically because I have a sneaky feeling this is a lot more normal than one would think. I think it takes a while for you to unwind and de-stress yourself so if anyone out there experienced what I experienced, don't beat yourself up about it, sometime it happens like that.

Anyway so here we are, the year in review from June 20, 2009 to June 4, 2010. So much growth, so much learning, so much...experience. I'm in a good place, I'm getting back to the old me, and I'm glad!

Date Nights

2010-05-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

I love Michelle and Barrack Obama. I really do and I look up to them. I also have quite a few older and not so older married couples that I look up to. Some I know personally, some I don't know. It's just whenever I come across a couple that seems to have it right or have a relationship that I would like myself and Bolaji to have, I just sit and dissect what exactly I like about those relationships and then I try and adopt whichever one I think will work for myself and my boo. I've been doing this for a long time.

Anyway, so one of the things I love about the Obamas is that they go on date nights. The first time I heard about this, I thought, wow, what a great idea. This is both parties taking time out of their very busy schedules to focus on each other and their relationship. So I decided I was going to adopt this for Bo & I and instituted our Date Night Wednesdays. The rules are we don't use the phone, we don't hang out with other people, it's just us, some good wine, and satisfying food. Bo and I have very busy schedules and for Bo especially his work hours can be very erratic. Still, I try to always take a lead on Date Nights and ensure that it is top of our schedules. The times when date nights have been a success, they've been awesome. We end up talking about our hopes and dreams for ourselves, for each other, and also for our baby family. Then we drink like two glasses of wine (we're cheap drunks) and go home and enjoy each other. It's been great!

But my word, it's so challenging! It's really tough for Bo to keep to a consistent schedule because of work. So there've been a few times that I'm so excited about it and look forward to it all day and he just doesn't get home till about 9pm at which point, whatever it is that I've planned is no longer do-able. Yesterday night was one of those days. I've been craving sushi and sake for a while and waking up yesterday was so excited about date night and since we usually eat out on these dates, I'm usually starving by the time we're supposed to go out. Around 7:40 I get a call from my hubby that it's going to be a late one and he's not going to be able to make it. Gosh it's hard to explain how it feels. I got really upset but what can you do? He's my hubby and I love him so of course I gotta slowly put on my forgiving hat. But I'm trying so hard not to be depressed about it. Around 8:30, Bo rolls in and I notice he has a pack with him. I'm still putting on my loving and forgiving wife composure so I smile and hug and kiss him. Then he tells me he's sorry about the time but he's got sushi! Sigh. See, you love a man and he brings you sushi so you won't get mad that he has to make that money for us (he clearly gets paid more than i do! lol) and be late for date nights.

Jesus said to forgive 70 X 70 times, meaning uncountable times lol, therefore my hubby gets a stern look and a thanks for bringing sushi hug! We'll try again next time, or maybe I should move date nights from once a week to once a month? Hmm...

The Absolute Bestest Thing Ever!

2010-05-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

The best thing ever in the world is having my husband's hands wrapped around me as I drift off into sleep. There are days that we are out and I dream of that moment and tell Bolaji it's time to go. Solely because I can't wait to get in his yummy hands and fall asleep with the warmth of the man whom i love incredibly there.

This is the bestest feeling in the world.

Pressure

2010-05-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this issue a lot over the last few weeks. I have a few young ladies around me who for some reason talk to me about relationships and meeting the right kind of men, and wanting to get married So more often than not I find myself dispersing advice or simply just stating things as I see it. Out of all the relationships I've ever had, the one with Bolaji has thought me the most. It shattered all my preconceived notions of how things should be and really just left me with my eyes wide open and also with a sense of just being yourself and letting everything fall in to place.

But recently I've just been thinking about all the pressures we face as young girls, as women, as wives, as mothers. The funny (or unfunny) thing about it is that it's mostly US women that do this to ourselves. Now how I feel may not be a popular opinion but it's one that has worked for me and God-willing will continue to do so. I'm still learning and open to learning as I move forward. However I'm thinking about the rules of engagement when it comes to the opposite sex that we give and judge ourselves on. I'm talking about things like don't have sex before marriage, don't co-habitate (such an ugly word!), don't call after the first date, make sure you know how to cook efo and egusi, call your mother-in-law and basically suck up to her, etc. I'm not saying these are not sound advices but please for the love of all things dear, STOP PRESSURING PEOPLE ON THESE POINTS.

I believe everyone will find their way. I believe in encouraging our younger sisters, daughters, nieces to be well-rounded, sound individuals. Encourage them to have confidence, to love their bodies, to be curious about the world, to explore, to be imaginative and creative, to be kind, to be warm-hearted and considerate, to be compassionate, to read their Bibles, to crave God and to know God, to be fun, to laugh often, to forgive a lot, then everything else in their lives will fall into place. And fall into place correctly.

Take for example cohabitation. I lived with Bolaji before getting married. If I were to be completely honest, I think it was a great decision for us. It was not a planned decision and you can read my post on Cohabiting to know my feelings on that, but all in all, it was a good experience. For Us. I am being frank here. I can't imagine how brides handle the process of actually getting married AND the difficulty of living in the same space with a spouse. These are two very tough times in a woman's life. Especially as Nigerians. When I first moved in with Bolaji, like seriously, we argued like cats and dogs. We were both frustrated with a lot of things and just learning how to be in each other's space. It was tough. Most of the time during that period I wasn't even sure I liked him, it was that bad. But then the rougher parts started getting smoother and smoother and before you know it we've completed melted into each other's space. I think to myself, as a newlywed just going through this, surely you would feel like "oh my God, what have I done?". For us, by the time we were actually physically getting married, it was just all about the vows made in front of God. That was beautiful to me. My wedding wasn't over the top or crazy, it was just simply Bolaji & I declaring to God our Creator and our closest family and friends that indeed we have selected each other in this journey. Now what I say to ladies when they ask me about this is I think this worked for Bolaji & I because we both KNEW this was our last stop. We are both extremely committed to each other and our relationship. We both don't believe that marriage "starts" at the altar, yes that is when it's publicized, but for us marriage started when we both stood in front of God and said thank you for giving me my partner, I'm going to cherish her/him, please strengthen us, hold us, and protect us. We did that long before we got married. Cohabiting so far, has not hindered me I feel because we were both highly committed to each other as life partners. If you BOTH are not that, then I would say don't do it. If you and your partner cannot kneel in front of God together and voice your commitment, then that person is NOT the one, yet. That's my experience.

I use this as just an example. Things work out differently for different people. I'd rather encourage people to be sound Christians, responsible, principled, and kind ladies, if you can be all these, then I trust your judgement on your situation. Many people imbibe all these societal pressures without even knowing how they themselves feel about them. It's almost like don't think about it, just do it. When I have a daughter I hope to teach her to love herself and to value herself, to love God and build a relationship with Him. That's it. I don't want to teach her directives. I want to teach her to make decisions that are right for HER.

Newlywed Blues

2010-05-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

I had read on several blogs and online articles that some women experience a bit of newlywed blues in the months after they get married. Essentially after months (maybe years) of planning a wedding, doing guest lists, speaking to vendors, DIY projects, etc., when it all comes to pass there's a bit of silence and quiet, it is this that then gives birth to the Newlywed Blues.

I'm almost fully convinced that I'm suffering from this special type of blues. It's either that or I'm going through a major life/identity crisis of some sort. Let me explain. It's actually a pretty weird thing being that I love Bolaji more than ever. His smile lights up my world and lifts the weight off my shoulders. I am so lucky to have him as my husband especially since he's the best person I know. So that's not the problem one bit. It's that recently I've been really contemplating my life, my job, my marriage, etc. I think Bolaji is also experiencing something similar but the guy version. You know, he's now anxious and worried about providing for his wife and new family. I think this may also be leading him to re-evaluate his life and the options. For example, he's had quite a few offers to join start-up firms which he's kind of put behind in the recent past but now all of a sudden, it's like wait a minute, maybe I can make a boatload of money here, maybe I should do it, then me and Kemi can have all we ever dreamt of and retire in peace :-). At least that's what I think is going through his head! I'm also feeling very much unfulfilled in my job since we got back from the wedding. The term I've used often and I think describes very well how I feel is that I'm uninspired by any of the work I'm doing. I'm so lethargic about everything then I end up feeling so terrible about myself for being so unproductive. Today I took the day off and I'm sitting by the waterside, I think I'm about to leave the line of work I'm in now and try something else. I'm taking today to decide.

So you see these things have left Bolaji and I waking up at 3:30am for the last two weeks (outside of not having a blink of NEPA aargh!). I think we both want to be happy so bad (i.e good life, good finances, little conflict in the marriage, etc.) that we spend our time worrying about how to best guarantee that. I've gone online and it seems a lot of couples have gone through this. Another dimension of the wedding blues for me that is so totally unexpected is the baby fever. Like seriously, I'm not sure where it's coming from. I've really got the nesting fever. I haven't mentioned it to Bolaji though because I know he'd be really nervous. We've talked about it in the past and we both want to wait for a little bit before planning a child. I agree completely with this and don't think our new family is ready for one yet. And it's not what people usually say about wanting to "enjoy their marriage" or whatnot, it's mostly because we just want to be able to plan our family. We both want it to be something where we both just say, ok, let's do it rather than just jumping into it. Now I know many people think differently but this is how we feel. So why the baby fever? Does it have something to do with my wedding blues? Oh, I'm just in such a confused state right now.

newlywed blues

go away

come back another day

Mr. & Mrs. Bolaji want to play

:-)

MoH Love

2010-05-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

I'm missing one of my closest friends who served as my Maid of Honor so bad. Let me explain. Martha and I went to the same college and met pretty much the first week of school in our freshman year. We became quite close and moved in together in our second year. She's one of my dearest friends and I find that I can share anything with her without her being judgmental or funny. Also I don't have to explain things to her, she just gets it. I hadn't seen her for FIVE years before my wedding and she lives so far away. It was so nice to see her at the wedding and every morning, I would wake up and sneak off to her room and she and I would just gist and gossip about all kinds of stuff. I really missed her. She was wonderful throughout the whole wedding weekend. Absolutely wonderful and took care of so many things before I even had to ask. Even when she was dead tired, she'd still walk the length of the mall with me without getting cross, or funny, or even speaking one negative word. She'd just trudge along and that's why I love her. Bolaji was meeting her face to face for the first time and even though he tends to be really honest about my friends, I asked him what he thought of her and he said "one word? Loyal". That's my MoH. On my wedding day itself, she was so fabulous. Even though I had two bridesmaids (including the MoH), she just went out of her way to make sure that everything worked. She tightened and pulled me into my dress, went out to make sure all my candles were in the venue, took out all the ceremony booklet and placed them on the chairs, and still had time to come back and carry my veil and flower wherever it needed to be carried.

I say this because I found that when you get engaged and are planning to move into the marriage phase of life a funny thing happens. It's not just that one relationship that's trying to find it's way but ALL the relationships in your life get juggled. In the process you loose some. Friends, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, aunties, cousins, someone or some people will disappoint you greatly, some will decide you're no longer who you were (more like who they want you to be). Things just change. Because of this, I now really and truly value those relationships in my life that have grown with me. I miss my dear friend because there are so many things that I'd like to just sit and chat about but she's one of the few people who understands that priorities in my life may have changed but I'm still me. I can call her and tell her about my anxieties of cooking for my in-laws when the come visiting and she'll listen to me without rolling her eyes and looking bored as hell lol.

Sigh.

How are you guys doing?

Few things I'm excited about in blogword:

I'm excited about The Happy Nappy Bride's upcoming wedding

I'm excited that ChiChi's wedding plans have now kicked in to full gear. I remember praying for her.

I'm excited about how cute Amy and her fiance are and looking forward to their recaps.

Wedding Re-Cap Part Deux

2010-04-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

The dawn of my wedding day came and it was bliss. Bolaji and I ended up sleeping on the same bed anyway throughout the weekend. Again, we didn't plan it that way. My mother was supposed to share my room with me but things got a little mangled up and long story short, we just didn't think about it that much. I woke up at 5am, took a shower and got ready for the manicurist who was due at my room for 6am. While I was showering, Bolaji got his stuff together, and for some reason did quite a lot of cleaning in our suite! I think he was nervous but he did some washing up in the sink (we had had a party in the suite the night before), mopped the floor, put out the bins, stuff like that. After this he left to go meet his groomsmen and they went to do guy stuff I guess. I give him a peck on the cheek and off he went.

My wedding was a bit nuts because I didn't really micro-plan everything so up until that day really there were several things that weren't in place. I just figured things would work themselves out as they usually do and just did what I could do and went through the motions. My bridesmaids came to meet me at around 9am when I finished my manicure and pedicure. During this, the manicurist happened to ask me where I was getting my hair done and I replied, I actually don't know and asked her to recommend. Yes, you can actually read that again :-) I had no clue where I was going to get my hair done at 9am the MORNING of my wedding. She mentioned that she knew of someone but it was a bit late to try and reach her. Especially since I needed to be in a hair stylist's chair by 9:30! She calls a few times, no answer and then about 15min later the lady calls back and says okay, I can come by for 9:30 and that's they story of how my hair looked FAB! Seriously, that was just one of the miracles of the day. Another last minute miracle was my make-up. Since it was a destination wedding and I did NOT have a planner (can't you tell by now!) I had absolutely no idea who, how, or where my makeup was going to be done. I just had faith and a calmness that everything would be done. I went into the small mall on the island with my bridesmaids to find jewelry for them and randomly walked into a store that had a small MAC counter, I asked the first girl that said hello to me if she can do bridal makeup and if she was free that weekend, she answered yes to both. I scheduled a trial and the rest was history! Score #2.

Bridesmaids Dresses from JCrew

After doing my hair, my MoH decides to let us know right then that she actually didn't bring along the dresses to the salon so we where going to have to drive all the way back to the hotel to pick up her dress. It sounds a bit kooky but when you're on a strict timeline, then an extra 30/45min here and then can really mess things up. Which is another advice for brides-to-be, please create a time schedule for the day and make sure everyone on your bridal train knows exactly the timeline. This is very important as I found out later on. However on this my own day, I was just calm as a cucumber at this point. We drive back to the hotel, pick up the dress, then harass one of the groomsmen to chaffeur us to the venue. At this point we were running incredibly late. It was 1pm and my photographer was starting duty at 1pm and we only had him for 8 hours, meaning come rain or shine, whether cake had been cut or not, or whether first dance had been danced or not, he was going to leave at 9pm on the dot. Not only that, the sun was due to set by 6pm so again, whether we were finished the ceremony or not, once the sun set, it mean ALL the pictures would be taken indoors.

My Shoes

I was still in lalaland though. The groomsman drops us off, I meet my photographer in the hallway and he's kinda fuming, but I let it go. My girls and I just went into our dressing room and started about our business Make-up first. Now out of the entire day, I really loved the time I got to spend with my girls and the make-up artist getting ready, then the photographer comes and he's snapping away and truly I started becoming a bride only then. I was just loving the attention from everyone, it was nice :-) My band starts playing at about 3:20pm, our ceremony was scheduled to start at 3:30pm, I was actually fully ready but one small snag: my groom and his groomsmen were nowhere to be found! I sat in the golf cart fully dressed with my bridesmaids, fuming for about 45min! Where could they be and how come it was taking them so long to get to the venue??? Okay now, this 45min out of the entire day is the part I regret the most. I was very upset and even though the photographer wanted to take pics with myself and my bridesmaids, I couldn't manage it and was so upset. My brother and sister-in-law came to the cart and started doing a cute little tap dance number and still I couldn't enjoy the moment because I was worried about the time, loosing my daylight hours, and my groom being late!

Ceremony setup in the Garden

Jazz Singer from the Band (she was REALLY good)

Finally they arrive and from this moment until the end of the night, honestly in my heart just went by so fast. As the golf cart drove to the garden where the ceremony was to take place, I caught just a small glimpse of my groom and he had the widest smile on and all my tenseness and anger just dissipated like magic. I was so happy and felt ready to get the show on the road. We had to cut out two of the three hymns we were going to sing, but it was alright. The reading of the blessing of the hands left almost everyone crying! The ceremony was about 20/30 minutes and from there we went to sign the register.

Coming out of the barn where we signed the register, our friends and family where waiting right out there to throw the rose petals. I chose rose petals because I had read stories that throwing rice can actually sting the couple in a not so fun way but if you are going to get petals make sure your florists provides enough for your entire guests. Even though I had one massive bowl and a small guest list, people just grabbed big handfuls of the stuff and it didn't go around to everyone. From the barn Bolaji and I where literally whisked away by our photographer to different locations he had scouted out for great pics and we spent about an hour taking our personal couple photos. During this hour, our guests were served scrumptious canapes of chicken satay, roast beef, calamari, and spring rolls. Of course the description of these are a bit more va-voom but you get the idea :-). We had juice, water, iced tea, and mojitos served during the Cocktail Hour but it seems the mojitos where a big hit! My bill says everyone loved them ha!

Reception earlier in the day

Reception by the time we came in

The reception hall was very nicely lit with candles and was so intimate. I loved every aspect of it. The table in the background with the low candles was the bridal table and behind us we were supposed to have fairy lights but for some reason the lights weren't turned on. I don't know why and I paid a lot of money for the lights but it was just one of the things I decided to let go off. Also the balcony was supposed to be opened but it was quite cold and windy that night so they had to keep the doors shut. But it was such a fantastic and wonderful day for me, I couldn't care less. Bolaji and I decided to save money on the DJ and just created a wedding playlist on our Ipod which we connected to the sound system which a friend of mine manned. It was phenomenal! That was also a small miracle as my friend turned DJ had no clue he was going to be doing this, literally my cousin just walked in the room, looked around and apparently grabbed him to do the job and he did such a great job. Everyone was on the floor dancing in no time, the wine flowed, the champagne flowed. One of the hits of the night was Igwe by Midnight Crew which we must have played about 3 times. So many people loved it and it's actually one of my favorite songs. No one wanted it to end. We ended promptly at midnight (which even the hotel was surprised about) and packed everyone back home on the bus. Some of our guests carried bottles of champagne home with them even!

Oh the cake.

It was absolutely DELICIOUS! People demolished the bottom layer during the ceremony. We gifted my sister-in-law and her partner with the topmost layer, and divided the middle layer in three, for Bo's parents, for my parents, and for us. I brought the one for us back to Lagos but I'm afraid it's gone off. Anyone know how long cake lasts??? It's never been in the freezer, just from fridge to fridge. Is it still edible?

So did we consummate our marriage on the night? NOPE. My "aunty" was visiting so so much for that. I have to say though, Bolaji and I were tired quite alright and we had had a lot to drink, but we weren't too tired to do the boogie. I know loads of people say you'd be too tired, but I think it just depends. I certainly wasn't too tired. I just put on the special wedding night lingerie I bought sprayed myself with my nighttime perfume I bought at this specialist store and crept into bed with my husband.

Look out for Part 3 :-)

Wedding Re-Cap Part 1

2010-04-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

Now this is going to be a bit tricky since I don't do pictures! I will try my best to give a good sense of my wonderful day.

How does it feel in the days right after? Well now after the fact I'm still basking in the light of being a newlywed. I almost can't believe it but then the evidence of all the bridal magazines and the facebook pictures hits me across the face and I know it must have really happened. My mother in-law sent me a Blackberry message yesterday that said "so how is Mrs. Bo doing this morning?". It's all just a bit new but wonderful. I can't say enough how happy I am to be rid of wedding planning things, I didn't really enjoy the process like i know many other brides do. I'm ready to get on with it get on with making this new life and home and family with my beau. I've looked at all the online pictures (and there are tons of them!) almost a million times and at odd times during the day I find myself going back to that day. I know everyone says it goes by fast, but really it does. Definitely if I could do it all again I would just relax and truly enjoy the moment. And I was a pretty laid back bride, but I think no matter how much you try to take it all in, the day is just too magnificent for your mind to wrap itself around it. My hindsight now is that I took the whole thing too much like a project that I had to manage that I was maybe too tense during the whole wedding weekend. I didn't really start to enjoy myself until the last day of my honeymoon! :-) All my guests had soooooo much fun and they are still talking about it but even though I was there during a lot of it, it's like I have to re-live it anew because when it was actually happening I was thinking about how to get the florist her balance!

All in all, the day was perfect.

Bolaji and I arrived at our destination the Saturday before our wedding. We had already tied up most things before hand so it was mainly so that we can finalize loose ends and just generally make sure everything was going on schedule. Getting TO our location however was quite the experience.

Copy of My Dress!

I collected my dress just the Thursday before flying on Friday as apparently it is advisable to let the dressmaker have the dress in her possession until the last minute so that she would still be able to make adjustments in weight fluctuations etc. From the time I collected the dress it was under very stringent guidelines. I needed to keep it so that I won't have to dryclean or press when I got to my location and also I didn't want Bolaji to see it which was a challenge considering we live together. I was luckily very successful on both missions until we got to the hell that is Murtala Muhammed Airport. Everything was going well and I refused to part with my dress, Bolaji and I were in pretty good spirits as we went through the security. I gently placed my dress on the belt only for the ignoramus customs officer to shove his hands down the thing, grab it roughly, and fling the dress at me. I just went blank and tried to tell the guy to be careful with it since it's my wedding dress, he just says to me "I don't care, take out the metal hanger now"" Long story short, Bolaji had to remove the dress from the bag in front of EVERYONE and rearrange it as by this time I was sobbing by the corner. The customs guy had damaged the foot of the dress. He was just uncaring and evil and I know he's got his coming to him.

From there the entire weekend went phenomenally well.

Journey To The Moon

2010-04-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone for their well-wishes and prayers. Everything went fantastically well and I am now indeed Mrs. Bo. I will update maybe in a day or two with pictures and a good healthy recap.

Really there not enough words to describe my happiness at this juncture in my life. The only thing I can say for sure is that God has given me so much and I've never been more aware of it than I am right now. However I also feel a renewed sense of responsibility to be a good steward of this gift he's given me, to be a good representative of Christ's love on Earth. I know it sounds grandiose but that's how I truly feel, like a gift has been given to me and I have to take care to represent it well. I am truly happy.

I resumed at work today though so gotta run. If I have a little time after dinner I'll come by with my promised post.

Going To The Chapel...

2010-04-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

In just a few days I'll be walking down the aisle to meet my life partner in a beautiful ceremony for 40 at this location. I think maybe Bolaji and I already live together it hasn't really sunk in yet. At several times during the day we just turn to look at each other and say can you believe it? and then we just continue on doing whatever it is that we were doing before! This long weekend has been really good for us because during the week we both lead such busy lives and are on different sleep/rest/work cycles that we only get to spend minimal time catching up. But this long Easter weekend we were able to just sit together and be together.

As a bride I think I'm pretty calm. I'm excited to finally be reaching the end of this long process and officially be attached to my beau. I'm excited to hang out with my girlfriends, some of whom I haven't seen in 5 years!!! I'm excited that my siblings and I will finally get to spend some time together in the same space - we haven't ALL been in the same location at the same time in at least 3/4 years. I'm confirming all these things I suspected years ago: I'm just not a bride-y bride-y person. I really don't care how my bridesmaids do their hair (so long as its neat) or what shoes they wear, or whatever. I just want to plan a decent time with my loved ones and then get to spend forever with my Beau which seems to be the prize of this party anyhow.

Let me just say, I'm amazed at how much God loves me in sending this beautiful man my way, and putting love for me in his heart. My man loves me oh. Gosh. I'm a very lucky girl and everyone tells us this, that we are very lucky to have each other. Every single day since Bolaji and I started dating I find myself looking up to the heavens at some point and thanking God from the bottom of my heart for sending me this gem of a partner.

I'll try to blog before taking those steps down aisle but if i don't I'll do a nice recap of the beautiful day!

No Flower Girl

2010-03-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

The "palemo" has just been going and I've been trying my hardest to keep all the balls juggling in the air. Work is just killing my behind and I barely have time to sleep and spend coo-ing time with the beau, talk less of wedding planning. The latest development anyhow is that my flower girl has dropped out and will no longer be able to make my destination wedding. When her mother, one of my closest friends, told me I just had to be calm about it all. Well, at least to her. After all, it's not by force that someone must do bridal train so what other choice did I have? I had told them almost a year ago now that their daughter must be in my bridal party. She's a beautiful young girl that I just love so much and I've seen grow right from the belly into the 6 year-old she now is. I love her so much. Even the last time I saw my friend which was just a couple of months ago, she still confirmed to me that they were coming. Alas, this past weekend the call came and after speaking for about 20min she finally out with it. I just told her it was okay and hung up.

I felt so down about it but not in a depressed way you know, I was just weary of wedding planning and all the disappointments it brings. A friend of mine who's also getting married (this week!) was telling us that her Maid of Honor quit last week! So she's not going to have an MOH, she seemed quite zen about it but by this time I know that look of bridal disappointment from a mile away. It's just so tough. During this time I've found out that the people I thought I could count on the most were actually just not there and the people you didn't even think twice about are the ones that are jumping through all kinds of hoops to make sure they are there for you. I was sad. Then my mom informs me she'll only be coming in for 2 days and then she'll be flying back to the states. I tried to convince her to stay longer since I would like my mother to be around in the final days of my wedding but she said no. Also I've been so busy I didn't have time to do the invitation cards so I had to let that go. Then I was struggling to find time to type out the order of ceremony for the ceremony booklets and its been hard to squeeze in time between this very busy period at work. So i don't have invitation cards or ceremony booklets at the moment. I decided to hire someone to do them for me in the States and just ship them to my Mom's but she gave me a paypal account and I haven't been able to get it to work.

So that's the latest tale from my side of things. Oh, I had a mini-breakdown two days ago, had to head to the doctors but I think I'm all better now.

On a lighter (funner note) sometimes I get really scared when I think of how much I love Bolaji. Today I finally typed up those programs in Word format and it was very emotional to me just reading the vows we are going to say to each other. The ceremony reads so beautifully and I can't wait to say those words of covenant to my beautiful man. I found this little reading online and I'm incorporating it into our service. It gives me goosebumps just reading it so I've only read it a few times but everytime I read it my mind goes "wow, how did I get this lucky with this man of mine?" There's no one else I'd rather share my life with. So upon all the drama and weariness, I can't wait for those moments!

Blessing of the Hands - revised by Rev. Daniel L. Harris:

“These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever. These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other. These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind. These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and as in today, tears of joy. These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children, the hands that will help you to hold your family as one. These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it. And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.”

My Cake

2010-03-15T13:52:00.001-07:00

This is my cake. Well, without the white stick figures and the red rose. I don't know why we chose this cake. I think it will give my mother a slight heart attack. She will hate it. I don't know why we picked it. We were looking for one of the normal safe options when a friend pointed us to a bakery which had the reputation of being just the best bakery around those parts. I mean, they count Oprah as one of their clients! We met with Jackie who's the quintessential Jewish mother and she joked and laughed and drew us a picture. Then gave Bolaji a free magazine. Then we said okay. From the moment we walked out of the bakery that faithful morning, I was thinking "what have I done????" Alas, it is done. The cake has been paid for.

This is my cake.

I think I love it. I'm afraid that I love it. Secretly. Deep inside of me I'm jumping for glee.

I'm afraid I'll hate that I did this to my wedding pictures.

Countdowns

2010-03-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

My second countdown is on! I'm getting so excited and sometimes I try to contain myself like "calm down girl!" but I'm so excited to finally officially be my boo's wife! I think about it and I'm so overwhelmed. Even now as I'm typing this there's so much love in my heart. I'm sitting alone in our living room (Bolaji's out at Polo) and I can't believe how happy and lucky I am. I'm a lucky girl. A very very very lucky girl.

We took my mother-in-law out to lunch today to celebrate mothering sunday and it was quite a lovely afternoon. I was a bit nervous about it because they are very blunt, the two, and I was afraid that something might come up that would upset me. But it was lovely. My father in-law had brought along a few things he wanted to put into the out of town bags he was making, so they showed us samples. Yes you read that right: My father-in-law is making OOT bags for the guests at the wedding! I could just literally jump for glee! These bags are on my to do list but to be really honest I was a bit worried about them because I wasn't sure if i'd really have time to finish them up so you can imagine my surprise! God Bless 'Em! I feel like perhaps we just need to build our relationship and settle into our comfort zone and I must say I'm looking forward to that as well.

My second dress fitting is next week, YIPPEE. I'm so excited I could burst really. I went for the first fitting a few weeks ago but that was just a calico fitting but this next one would be the actual dress. I can't wait! I don't know if i'm going to cry or be emotional. We'll see. I might have to go by myself though as my best friends don't live in Lagos and other family members won't be able to take time off work. We'll see though. Still on the wedding note, I won't be able to travel to the States any longer to do some wedding shopping so I'm hoping to find everything I need here. I still need to buy my wedding shoes, my undergarments, my wedding night lingerie, and maybe a few other things. This should take some coordinating.

Oh, I wanted to write such an interesting post but I don't know if wedding stuff is exciting, plus I'm finding it hard to be coherent right now because I'm just so overjoyed and overwhelmed at the prospect of the whole thing. Okay, let me go read some other blogs and maybe I'll be inspired to write something interesting, lol.

Less than a month to go!

Busy Bee!

2010-03-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

Work has been EXTREMELY busy lately and I just don't have time to catch but I wanted to drop by and say hello. White wedding plans are going right in gear and I have one month left woohoo! Regular posts will be forthcoming (by next week). Meanwhile I'll say a big HELLO to my new followers!!! I'm usually more interesting, but I'll make it up to you mwah!

PS - YNC or if anyone reads this and can get to Mrs. YNC please can you ask her to add me? or how can I view her blog? I'm not tech savvy :-( Thanks!

Hyphenate Please

2010-02-17T13:10:00.000-08:00

I decided a while ago (in my late teens) that I'm not going to change my name to my husband's name when I marry. For me I don't think its about feminism or whatever but I just never really got the point, the relevancy, and why its a MUST. I have a name, I like my name, and it's been with me and done me well for ages why would I want to change? Never found a compelling enough reason. Even worse my parents are in full support of my not changing my name, they also don't see it as a MUST.

Fast forward to a few years ago when I started to seriously think about marriage, the issue of change of name came up to me again and I decided that in order to be connected to my children I would compromise and just hyphenate my name. Earlier on in our relationship this issue came up and I can still remember vividly the conversation. Bolaji actually doesn't care either way and wants me to do what feels right to me, staying true to myself. I told him at most I'd want to hyphenate but I don't believe really in changing names. He okayed this but gave only one caveat which is that he won't bear the hyphenate name and our children would not bear the hyphenate name which is fine with me. I always say to people I don't care what the kids bear, that's THEIR lot in life, LOL. They think I'm joking but really...everyone has their own life to live.

Anyway so now that the traditional marriage has come and gone, this issue is now at the forefront, it's a burning issue. First, Bolaji and I are a little confused as to whether we are now actually MARRIED. Do we now refer to each other as wife and hubby, mr. and mrs.? How should we introduce ourselves, "meet my fiance?" or "meet my husband?" Almost all our family members i.e aunties and uncles refer to us as married so surely that must count for something? So what I say to people now is that we're in-between :-) Almost married. At work however, they've already changed my name on the system.

Which brings me back to the hyphenate. So I make sure to tell everyone I'd like to be addressed with my hyphenated name BUT NOBODY LISTENS! Everyone, aunties to uncles, to colleagues everyone prefers to say Mrs. so and so. This irks me. I actually don't like the Mrs. moniker and Bolaji despises it! He's of the point of view that it is a moniker that is essentially useless and any usefulness that may come from it should be if one is filling out official forms. Otherwise, in everyday life, he prefers everyone to just go by name. So Bolaji despises Mr & Mrs and it also irks me so why do people keep insisting on ignoring our wishes and still calling us Mr. & Mrs. xXx? I spoke to my uncle this morning because he wanted to send a package to us and he asked how I wanted the envelope addressed and I told him. Would you know the envelope got to me this morning addressed Mrs. Kemi xXx! Sigh.

I have to say not wanting the Mrs. tag adds its own dilemma to my identity. Without the mrs. how would I then like to be addressed? Saying Mrs. Kemi yYy-xXx is not actually correct form so I've been thinking about it and I think my preferred choice would be Ms. Kemi yYy-xXx. And that is if I absolutely must. I'd just rather they call me Kemi what's so wrong with that?

Anyone else hyphenated their name? Any advice on how I can best help my family transition into my REAL new name?

PS - my hubby was working in our home office and just walked out planted a kiss on my forehead and lips and walked back to the home office. I love that man. :-)

The New Mrs...Kinda

2010-02-08T09:42:00.001-08:00

My engagement ceremony and the day itself was phenomenal.

Absolutely phenomenal. I don't know how else to describe it and trust me I've tried to describe to many people that asked and there are just no words, or not enough words. Magical comes to mind.

So as I've mentioned my boo and I live together. In preparation for the traditional ceremony we were supposed to have moved apart for about 3 months. That didn't happen. Then 2 weeks. That didn't happen. Then 1 week, and when that also didn't happen I just said forget it, I'll go stay at my hotel the day before the ceremony and that would be it. The hotel is close by my venue. Even this plan didn't work out. Bolaji took the day before the ceremony off work and was supposed to drop me off at the hotel in the morning, but I started to get jitters, and scared. If Bolaji dropped me off it would signify the beginning of this thing and I was just so scared. Ha! It took me by surprise actually, my jitters. So I ended up spending the day with my boo and he didn't drop me off till around 8pm! Before he dropped me off, we stopped over at Bolaji's parent's house and all his aunties and uncles were around so it was nice to meet them all that night.

I spent the night alone in my hotel room. The next morning around 6am, I got up, showered and tried to put my contact lenses in and they broke!!! For some reason, I was quite zen an calm about it. I called my sis to bring an extra pair, then called my eye doctor to ask what time her store would be open because it was nearby. At around 730am, the manicurist shows up and starts on the manicure/pedicure. She finishes by 830am and I take a 15min stroll to the eye clinic hoping that they had my prescription in stock, which heavens be praised, they did. Woohoo! All this while I'm still by myself so when I got back to my hotel room, I just sat down and relaxed. I didn't sleep, just sat and really took in the moment and the experience, I prayed and read the memory passage my mom had given me. Around 10am I call my makeup artist since she was supposed to meet me at 10 because my ceremony was scheduled to start by 11am. She tells me she thought our appointment was for 11 so she was just leaving her house!!! Again for some reason, I was just really calm and relaxed so I was just like okay, she should try and get here as soon as possible. I'm sure even she must have wondered what kind of easy bride was this :-) At 10:30am my Mom on her way to the venue stops by the hotel and was shocked that I wasn't even remotely ready! I just calm her down, told her she looked beeeeaaautiful (my mama looked so gorgeous!) and she was on her way. She and her sisters where going to the venue to pray. At this point I knew I was going to be late because once the bride's family is already there, then the ceremony will start, meanwhile I was still in my PJs without any makeup whatsover! My sister and one of my friends hitched a ride with my mother so they stayed behind at the hotel with me after my mom left. My makeup artist FINALLY arrived at 11am! I just rushed her in and started right away.

Everything was just so calm and peaceful and I will always cherish that. It was like the Holy Spirit was just moving around the place and working cuz it was just so peaceful. We finished around noon and by that time EVERYONE was already calling us to ask us where we were. Apparently while filling in time waiting for us to arrive they had asked Bolaji and his boys to dobale so many times! The minute I got out of the car I had to start dancing to the front. The kneeling and prayers and everything was easy peesy from there. No fuss, no strange happenings. It all went by pretty promptly and fast! I think by 3/4pm it was over and done with and the band began to play!!! There was sooo much food and so much to drink, and everyone looked happy and beautiful. There was a time I looked around the hall and took everything in and said a little thank You prayer to my God because he REALLY did it for me oh. I looked around and was so happy because everyone in that hall that day was a close family or friend. Bolaji and I really really prayed about this because we both don't like Nigerian ceremonies because we believe so many people show up that the couple don't even know or care about, and sometimes there's drama and all that but at this event? It was magical! It felt like a really intimate event. God really showed off for us!!! It was everything we wanted and prayed for.

By 7pm the hall was clear. Well, there were still a few die-hard uncles and aunties :-) Even my father-in-law who doesn't drink was having a glass or two of wine! I left to go back to my hotel room at 7:30pm and my husband left at around 9pm to come and meet me. From the time my husband walked into my room till about mid-afternoon the next day was the BEST time of my entire life. I think I've mentioned that we are celibate....well, we still are! But that night was just.......we were just so happy and in love. I am sooo soooo soooo happy. Like beaming happy. I love my boo so much, he's such a fantastic guy I can't believe I get to be married to him! We got so many messages that day and really we get it all the time that we are special couple, that whenever people see us, they see love and want to believe in love. Everyday I thank God for this. It is such a miracle because I found something special, someone special. We found each other. I am blessed.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love U Tomorrow...

2010-02-02T02:54:00.000-08:00

No, my traditional wedding is not tomorrow but it is in FOUR DAYS, if we are counting today. I don’t know how to describe how I feel. It’s been such a difficult journey for me. I think like many young ladies do I too was expecting the usual we see at times like this: mother-daughter bonding, girlfriends giggling with you and supporting you, fun shopping experiences, picking out materials and shoes and decorators with your loved ones, etc. You know, the quintessential happy experience. Mine I have to say hasn’t been like that. It’s been tough. Almost immediately some friendships evaporated. Then almost all other relationships were tested.

I’ve found forging a new relationship with my soon-to-be in-laws a tricky and trying thing. My mother and I are polar opposites when it comes to just about everything and that has really showed these last couple of months. Add that to the fact that for some strange reason my Mom treats and reacts to me like I’m that 8 year-old child of years ago. She says things to me like “I never thought you’d be the first one to marry, I didn’t think any guy would be able to get along with you with your temperament”, or when she entered Bolaji and I’s flat for the first time she exclaimed, “I’m so surprised that the place is clean, I’ve always said to myself I would never stay in your house”. I have to respond that she shouldn’t judge my life by the fact that I didn’t clean my room when I was 11, I’ve lived on my own since I was 17 and 3 of my apartments I lived in without housemates, ALL of which have never been unkempt. I even have a reputation amongst my friends that if you come to my house you have to constantly clean up after yourself cuz I tend to keep my space in that kinda clinical/sterile look. It’s been difficult going through the planning process with these kinds of issues.

Two days ago, a very close female cousin of mine called me to ask me to send her another asoebi material. I had given her her own pack about two weeks ago. Apparently she had taken it to a new tailor who after accepting the material, messed up the dress and cut up the material anyhow so it was unusable. The day she called me I just come back from a 4hr journey into Balogun market (you have to know Balogun to feel me here) and I hadn’t even stepped into my house when she called. Unfortunately I did not have any more of the aso-ebi packs but I promised her I would ask my friend who helped me organize it to get her more. I hung up the phone and called my friend immediately and she said okay she’ll go to the market and bring the new pack to me the next day. I tell this to my cousin but also told her that I had no money to give my friend so she would have to get the money to me asap. She started to waiver and said that she doesn’t know when she’d be able to get me the money exactly but she’d get it to me by the end of tomorrow. So I said okay and called my friend back that she should not come the next day but the day after that, thinking that that gave my cousin enough time to get the money together and get it to me. Only for my cousin to call me back to say why is the lady now coming another day? How come she could come on one day and then all of a sudden she can’t come again? How come this and how come that. I tried to calmly explain what just happened but she cut me off and says well, guess I won’t be wearing your aso-ebi then. While trying to still explain she then tells me that well my friend had better get the material to her by Monday afternoon or there’s no point. I felt so hurt by her words and spoke to Bolaji about the conversation. He encouraged me to sit her down and talk to her about it and after thinking on how to best convey how I felt, I wrote her and email and told her that I was hurt by what she said and how she was talking to me, especially so close to this big event in my life. In the email I had said that just that morning I told her I was worried I hadn’t found shoes yet and was going shopping for them in Balogun, when she called she didn’t even ask me how it went and just started pressuring me on the asoebi. Anyway next thing I know, she calls me back and starts yelling at me on the phone and crying saying that my email hurt her, how dare I say to her that I’m a person too and words hurt? And it’s not like I also asked her how her day went so why should she be asking me about shoes? And so on, that she’s very hurt by the email. That afterall when I picked the asoebi I showed my family friend and not her etc. I’m just amazed because from the time I got engaged this cousin was one of the people everytime I said anything about wedding or preparation she would stop me mid-sentence and tell me how she’s not interested in that kinda stuff, or it my own wahala and not hers, or she would just glance casually at whatever it is and continue reading her magazine or watching her tv. Even on the phone I still said I’m sorry for hurting her but I also wanted her to know that her words hurt me, but she wasn’t listening and was just yelling at me through the conversation. All of a sudden she stops and says fine, bye. I’m so hurt by this lady’s actions. Bolaji says I have to call her again and make peace with her because as a Christian I have to make sure to make peace with everyone who’s offended me or who I’ve offended and I’ve prayed about it but I just feel stuck. While her actions hurt me, I feel like I’ve truly forgiven her. I don’t hold any malice towards her so I’m not sure what calling her would achieve. I’ve apologized to her about everything she said I said to hurt her. She’s the one who doesn’t see that she’s done anything to hurt me. So what am I supposed to say to her when I call her? Plus my ceremony is in just a few days, do I really need all this tension now?

Sigh. I can’t wait for all this to be over. I’ve really not enjoyed the process at all. Maybe when the day comes, the excitement and adrenaline will come and I’ll have so much fun. I haven’t been eating well the last couple of weeks and I think my appetite has gone haywire. I eat odd things at odd times and then I never finish any meal. I take a few bites and just get bored of it.

I took a few pics with my phone camera:

My aso-oke and the material I'll use to cover my head!

The famous bag and shoes

My second lace that 'll change into. I love this lace!

My red lips makeup trial. Not sure I like it. Plus I had an eye reaction to the makeup so always make sure you ask your makeup artist to use sterile equipment as much as possible.

The basket for the groom's family gift. Apparently this basket is filled with fruits and given back to the grooms family as a token of appreciation.

Lastly, anyone that's reading this please take the time out and say a prayer for myself and Bolaji for our upcoming traditional ceremony, for our white wedding ceremony later in the year, for our marriage, for our future children, and for the families we are joining together. May God Bless you abundantly in return, Amen.

Sleeping Beauties

2010-01-23T08:38:00.000-08:00

So my beau is lying right next to me right now....it's 5:30pm and he's taking a little (ok, a rather long power nap). There's so much to do during the couple of weeks leading up to the traditional that weekends are just so jam-packed these days. So we rush out of the house this morning without breakfast to go and run a few errands. Maybe here I should digress and mention that I don't think any bride and groom at this stage of the game should expect to have any cash on them! Well, unless at least either of both parents are just Madam & Chief Moneybags of Lagos. Ours are not unfortunately. Also Bolaji & I are doing a bit out of the ordinary for must Nigerian couples getting married in Nigeria. We're paying entirely for the white wedding (destination might I add) and we are paying 1/3rd of the engagement ceremony as well. Needless to say right now in our lives there are a few things that need our attention and funds that have just been left undone. For example, our plumbing needs some...help, and we need to buy a new car. To be honest we had planned to buy a new car right around this time since we had thought we were going to be getting married January 2011. Alas, how wrong we were and the parents insisted on NOT a long engagement. That's another thing to watch out during this process. Nigerian parents are not very happy about long engagements.

So Bolaji & I left this morning in our non-airconditioned car so determined to run all of our million errands we still had left to run: deliver aso-ebi, pick up aso-oke from weavers in ebutte metta, deliver aso-oke to tailors in surulere, buy engagement cake, deliver a few more aso-ebi's in lekki & dolphin. By the time we were on our way back to Lekki, it was around 3pm in the middle of the Lagos heat, the traffic was unbelievable, I was starting to go delirious in our un-airconditioned car and Bolaji and I hadn't even spoken a word to each other in easily an hour. As I peered into the bumper to bumper traffic on ozumba mbadiwe, I just said to my beau, "let's go home". He didn't really hesitate either. His shirt was drowned in sweat by this time. Just unpleasant. So we just turned around and headed back home. We had left the ACs on so the house was just so cool. I washed my hands and my face and we just both fell into bed.

One thing about Bo, it takes him all of 5 seconds flat, no exaggerations here, to fall into sleep. And I don't mean little sleep, I mean deep, (slight) snoring sleep! I'm so jealous. But here I am, not really able to sleep, trying to edit the rsvp function for my online wedding website. Just another day on the countdown to being Mrs. Beau!

TWO MORE WEEKS!!!

2010-01-20T02:33:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I have two more weeks of my single days. So this is it unh? Sayonara to the single life. I'm not sure how to describe exactly how I feel at this moment. The last few weeks, months, have been so difficult, trying, hard, but the reasons why I'm embarking on this journey have been even more telling, more joyous, and divine. It is indeed a period of many contradictions. While life whirls around you, and everybody flitters about, your partner (at least my partner) shows himself to be more than you can ever imagine. I love him more today than I did even yesterday, than I did June last year when he proposed to me, and than I did years before that when we became "official".

I promised myself I would tell anyone who asked me or who cared to listen the truth about my relationship, the ups and downs. This is because I find that many women, moreso in Nigeria, like to tell fairy-tales. We're told over and over again as women how we should act, behave, feel, especially when men are concerned so we always feel that it's a failure on our part to voice out the realities of this thing. Allow me to digress a little bit. I went to a bridal shower not to long ago. It was essentially "mo gbo mo ya" which means I didn't know who the bride was, I was just dragged there by a friend. Anyhoo, at this bridal shower there was a girl there, also a guest, but she also happened to be engaged. She spoke with such a soft and timid voice and though i don't know how old she really was, she looked like she was about 21/22. It was obvious that this girl was nervous about this stage she was about to go into and took the opportunity at the bridal shower to ask questions. One of the other guests had mentioned that "you know, you should try and wash-up before your man gets home, put on perfume because no man wants a woman who's smelling of onions and all that when he comes home from work." So the timid girl asks, "So do I have to shower every evening before he comes home?". I just had to shake my head. We should tell each other the truth about this thing. About relationships, and life as a partner. We should stop enforcing the importance of this Stepford Wife syndrome, stop placing such high, unachievable expectations at the necks of our sisters. The truth about it, of course as I've seen it is that some days you WILL smell of onions, some days you will be frazzled and the house WILL look like crap cuz u didn't feel like it, some days your hair WILL not be perfect and your nails WILL be chipped. But it's okay. Your husband/your partner is SUPPOSED to love you, the real you as well as the glamourous you, all of you, who you are. Don't get me wrong, every woman of course wants to look good for her partner, wants to be the sexiest girl he's ever met. Do that and be that. But don't fool yourself into thinking you can be and do that ALL the time. And your husband/partner hopefully should not expect that from you. Do the best you can to make your partner feel special, cared for, and loved, but above all he should be assured that you ARE doing your best, no matter what the outcome actually is. So that's my two cents.

Now back to truth-telling. This thing has been haaaard. Kai. You are pulled in all directions by all people. These are the things I've found challenging:

1. Dealing with In-Laws. This is the hardest part for me and is so much still a work in progress and I imagine it will be for a little while yet. I love my family and the older I get the more I appreciate them more. We grew up in a very liberal household, were EVERYONE was allowed to have an opinion and voice it. Bolaji's family is VERY conservative and patriarchal. My parents discuss everything with the children but my boo's family, the parents almost always take unilateral decisions and most times don't even tell their children about it. For example, if my Dad were to speak to an Uncle about whatever, he would tell us, okay, "I'm going to speak to so and so about so and so and this is why I'm doing this". Bolaji's Dad might not tell even his own wife! Apart from all these differences, I have come to the conclusion that I don't particularly like the role that in-laws play in the lives of a young couple in our society, and that goes for both sides. So I'm consciously trying very carefully to craft a relationship with my in-laws based on mutual respect, love, and openness. Like I said still a work in progress.

2. Dealing with friends. This is a time period where everything is changing in MY life but little is changing in the lives of my friends. I'm one of the first to get married amongst my friends and you just realize that its very tough for anyone who hasn't been through this process to fully understand the weight of it all. Therefore I've tried to cut my friends some slack. When I got engaged, some friends moved back, and some moved up and some stayed the same. A lot of them moved back and in the beginning it used to hurt but then again, I learnt that true friends, the kind that i want in my life anyway, will move with me through all the stages of my life. Our friendship may change and evolve but they'll love me through it ALL. Those are the friends I spend most of my times with now. Some friends complain that I don't go out as much etc, but I say if you were going through all what I'm going through then you won't have time for partying that much either, and if you can't understand that, then maybe we aren't that much of friends anyway. This has helped me.

I'll stop with these two for now and add more on as I think of them.

Let me move on now to my engagement/traditional ceremony!!! This is what's coming up in two weeks and I'm getting excited and settled about it now. Since my mother was driving me crazy about the planning, I've left everything to her and I can say my life is just that much simpler. Lol. Once you relinquish any dreams or fantasies about the engagement, then the stress goes away and I've found out that that is the KEY to a happy IYAWO at these things. People ask me about anything and when I respond that I don't know, they look at me funny but it's true. I'm gonna be just as surprised as they are when they entire that hall! lol. Apparently my mother hired a wedding planner for this engagement but I have never met him/her oh. So after the event, I'll come back here to report on what happened.

Honestly...

2009-12-22T02:15:00.000-08:00

This love business is not as easy as it looks. Forget everything you've been told about love and marriage and all this wedding business. Seriously just forget it. I can say truly, hand on my chest, that I have the best man out there: thoughtful, gentle, kind, loving, honest, responsible, ambitious, everything. But somehow things still go wrong and you realize...hmmm, everything is not what it seems.

So I've hated the whole wedding planning thing from the get-go. There's actually not much of it that I liked. The hassle just seemed a bit too much with too much emphasis placed not on the beauty of the moment, the beauty of commitment but satisfying and placating different egos then culminating in creating an event to be remembered and loved by all. I understand why other women would enjoy this, but I've just absolutely despised it from day one. But I had no choice so I hunkered down and focused. My white wedding is a destination one, somewhere that Bolaji and I absolutely adore and because not everyone would be able to come with us there, we decided to also do an engagement ceremony here in Lagos. This process has been a nightmare. Bolaji's parents while having their own charm can be very difficult and one-sided. Then of course some of my family members, whom I've never been close to and don't really know, want to use the opportunity to flex their muscles in my life.

My introduction ceremony was supposed to take place on the 2oth of December but after many back and forths, and tears, and demands, and Bolaji and I decided to take a stand. All the drama and stress is truly affecting our relationship and what is meant to be the happiest times of any individual's life. For us it has turned into a nightmare. An actual nightmare. So both of us sat down and decided to talk to each other about what is important to us. We have decided to cancel the engagement ceremony in its entirety and we agreed not to participate in the introduction ceremony even though we are both in town. I've been told by my cousin that the introduction did take place but he was just there briefly so I still don't know what occurred there and both sets of parents have not called us and have refused to answer their phones. So at this stage I think we're at an impasse.

I want out of this process so badly. The one thing that has stayed strong during these trying times is our love and respect for each other. Last night, Bolaji whispered in my ear, "I can't wait to make it official, to call you my wife, I want to make you happy and I'll spend the rest of my life making you happy". Stuff like this always puts things in perspective for me. This stage in my life is not about the ceremonies, its not even about families, or parents, or anything. It's about me and my him, about the journey we're about to enter into willingly, about the family we're going to create, about having someone to witness your life with you. In our Nigerian culture, there's over emphasis on the outside while the two people on the inside suffer miserably. Mummy and Daddy, and Uncle and Aunt as great as they are, CANNOT make your marriage (but best believe they can break it).

So...

The Saga Continues....(countdown to white wedding and when all this will be over!)

Ghosts of Days Past

2009-10-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

I just had to blog about this.

So my ex got married recently. I'm connected to him on facebook and that's how I found out he was getting married and that's how I found link to his pics on my homepage. I flicked through the pictures and they were indeed quite beautiful. Both he and his bride looked beautiful, and happy, and content. What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of strong emotions that washed over me as I flicked through those pictures. I got a full sense of life and living and how strange it all is. Let me explain.

I met Femi when I was 18. I was a freshman in college and he was the cousin of one of my closest friends. We actually met ourselves online and then it progressed to MSN Messenger, then it progressed to phone calls, to late night marathon 5hr phone calls, to visits, etc. You get the point. We did not start dating until I was 21 and then we were together for 3 years. Femi was my absolute best friend and he was the man I grew up with. We were REALLY REALLY close and he was everything any girl would want. Very attentive, very affectionate, very thoughtful, VERY romantic, very protective, great listener, always said sorry at the right time, believed in my goals etc. I mean if you can imagine talking on the phone for about 4hrs each night (at least) for 6 years, then you can understand how close we were. Whenever we saw each other it was never enough. Then a funny thing happened. Femi is 6 years older than me and by the time I turned 23, he was turning 29, and he was so ready to get married. He was always a one-woman, monogamist kinda guy and he was ready to just settle down and build a family with the woman he loved. So on a beautiful evening, after dinner, Femi proposed to me. Red petals, live singer, and a beautiful ring in a champagne flute. I hugged him and we kissed and laughed but when we got home I sat him down and told him my answer was no. I wasn't ready to get married, I was still young, I had so much I wanted to do career wise, etc, and I just felt it was the age difference that was pushing him. So I told him I didn't think it was the right time. Femi took it in stride but it was only as our days continued that I started to realize things had changed for us. Looking back on it now, I know he was hurt deeply, as of course it would have been normal for him to feel. But I honestly, honestly was too young and mature to even know or understand what was going on really. We started to fight. Femi and I in the ENTIRE course of our relationship never really fought, yea we had disagreements but they were almost always resolved within minutes. But after the proposal we started to fight. Like real, blown-out fight. The last one I remember is one where we actually shouted at each other. He hung up, I hung up. Usually he would have called back within seconds but that time, nothing. Soon after we broke up.

It really was a hard break up, the kind where you sever all ties. Until just before Bolaji. He called and told me about his new girlfriend. He told me she was moving to the States to be with him. He told me it was getting serious. I just listened. A little while later he called again, said he was coming to the city I was in and he wanted to see me. We talked for a while on this phone call, about the old times, about my mistake and how I was young and basically that I wanted him back. I told him not to marry his girlfriend. I begged him not to propose. He said we'll see, we have to talk and he wants to see me when he comes. As fate would have it, on his trip we missed each other entirely, he lost his phone with my number, I lost his contact details (long story) and we missed each other until a few hours before his trip back. We ran into each other, embraced for a while and again reminisced about us wistfully. He told me point blank he was moving to Europe for a while and if we are to work, I'd have to consider moving there. He was rushing off and that's where we left it. I met Bolaji soon after and life swept me off in different directions. Truth be told, I was scared about making that last move to Femi and Bolaji became the right distraction at the right time (in the beginning).

So last year when Femi added me on facebook, I accepted. And then I saw that he was getting married soon. I took in a tight breath but steeled myself. I even sent him a congratulatory message.

But yesterday, he posted the link to his wedding pictures. I saw it and it all came back in a funny way. I have absolutely no doubts of my love for Bolaji, absolutely no doubts that he is my husband and my future, he is my soulmate and my heart. But I saw those pics and they did something to me. Femi was a good guy to me. He was loving, kind, and he was good to me. He still looks exactly like the guy who loved me and would move the earth for me. He still looked like the guy I would call and talk to every night for 6 years. He looked the same. but he was different.

I'm different.

Life's funny that way. Wherever Femi and his bride are I wish them the very best of life, love, laughter, and happiness. Even if he is half as good to her as he was to me, they'd be solid for ever, and if she's makes half an effort more than I did then they'd be perfect forever. I pray God heals me completely, fully, from the feeling of wistfulness and loss, and mistake, more than I had thought he had before.

I had to share this here so it would be therapeutic for me. Don't worry I've already spoken to my babe about this!!! :-) I'm gonna blog more and soon about the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life recently. I can't wait till December 2010 oh, I've told my babe, he and I are gonna celebrate passing through this very exciting but chaotic time in our lives.

Oh, and three more months till my engagement, so let the countdown begin! By the way anyone have ideas as to what I should be doing? I haven't done anything yet for this engagement that's happening o...thanks for all your help!