Hello Hello Hello!

I know, I know I've been scarce.

It's really just been a combination of not having enough motivation to blog, feeling I don't have any much more to say, and life just throwing an incredible amount of whirlwind our way (good and bad).  The usual.  I think we've been through a lot this year but in an incredible way.  I'm always amazed at how God works.  So much learning and so much growing this year, but I'm thankful things have not REALLY gone crazy and God's peace has really been with us throughout.  I've been feeling very peaceful lately and feeling lucky, blessed, favored.

I suppose first things first, no Bo and I did not have any children.  It is just still "us two".  I think we were trying for a whopping period of about two weeks (ha!) before we (I) decided to extend the timeline yet again.  The good thing though is, we are both definitely ready for that phase of our lives.  It took us a long time to get there though!  We're at peace, we're happy, we've finally saved up some money, and God has provided for every and each one of our concerns.  By God's grace our family will extend in the next 12 months.

As for us, we're doing splendidly.  I'm extremely proud of us.  I'm more in love with my hubby today than I was the day we married, even than I was 2 years ago.  We're truly happy.  It's taken a long time to get here it seems but we're the best thing in each other's lives.  I'm never happier than when I'm with him and I hope it's the same for him.  Although the million kisses are not a daily occurence anymore, they do come almost every other day.  Sometimes I think if people see how affectionate we truly are with each other at home, they'd probably puke...we're very very affectionate with each when it's just us two.  It's nice and there's no day I don't wake up extremely thankful for this rare gift.  Make no mistake, it's rare.  I am lucky, blessed, and thankful for it all.

Hope everyone is doing well.  I've been keeping up sporadically with my blogworld friends and right now I've got to go see what Amy and Faith are up to!

Just a quick update.  Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose!

Marry a Gentleman!

Bo is a gentleman.  I don't mean that in the cutesy way people say but I mean really, he is a gentleman.  He won't sit while there are women standing, he'll open doors for you, he'll carry the heavy loads or if the load isn't heavy, he'll still carry it anyway, he's a regular knight in shining armour.  Not only Bo though, but all his friends.  It's just how they've been brought up and their schooling.  And it's not just with their spouses and family but to everyone.  Life with someone is much much easier when the other person is a gentleman.  It's like a code of behaviour you can always count on.

I think it's a good thing to look for this in a potential partner.  How does he treat, speak to, speak about the women in his life? How does he relate to elderly, friends, acquaintances, his boys, etc.  How do his friends relate to their partners? Keep a close eye on these things.  Trust me it feels good when my husband takes on the qualities of a good knight...*chuckle. I feel special and cared for and loved.   It's a great feeling so advice from me to anyone reading this and still looking, fid a gentleman.  Not a roughneck, not a rowdy randy man about town, a gentleman who opens the door for you, just because.

Goodluck!

Catch Up...How Are YOU Doing?

Hello to everyone out there.

Happy New Year and happy everything that has passed while I've given the blog a bit of a rest.  It wasn't really by choice but it is quite possible that I'm growing past blogging in general.  I've also tried to declutter my other tech/social media communication outlets.  Sometimes I feel there's entirely too much sharing and I just want to live and experience my journeys rather than always documenting everything as I go along.

Considering that the last few times I blogged, a lot of negativity came out of the woodwork, it was also a good time to give it (and give them) a rest.  I was quite frankly so surprised at how reluctant some people are to 1) be happy for another human being 2) believe that true happiness does exist.  I was saddened by what I was reading and I didn't want to be sad about it anymore in many cases.  Bo simply would shake his head at me and wondered why I was even getting so involved to begin with.  It got downright mean and catty and I was confused and surprised that such could result from a blog that truly comes from a beautiful place on my part - to chronicle and to share.  We as women don't share our experiences very often and I think we should, we carry so much.  It's hard being a woman! We should stick together and help and support and encourage each other. No Matter What.  There's enough negativity in the world, I definitely don't want to be one of the voices adding to it.

Anyway, Bo and I have been great.  We're in the third year of our marriage and certainly no longer in the honeymoon phase...ha!  I look at it as us earning our stripes.  And three years is not a whole lot, but it's enough to not have an idealistic view of life, of marriage, but conversely, to also still be able to not be stale.  We're not quite an old married couple but we're getting there.  In my saner moments, I love this.  We're just two old fogies, growing old together, and making a life together.  It may not be the best possible life, but it's ours and we own it.  We're comfortable and settled and we love each other, not in that fairytale way, but in a "flesh of my flesh" way.  Bo is my family and within his heart resides my home.  If reincarnation were real, my soul would search all over again, until it found his.   This I know for sure.

The good news is...I do believe we shall be trying to expand our family very soon.  You know, it's not what I thought it would be like, like they portray in the movies.  For us it's not both parent staring with glazed eyes at each other in love as they decide they want to have babies.  For us it's so methodical, with many iterations and a final "okay...well, if we must".  I think we'll be excited once it finally happens but right now we're more tentative about it all.  We've lost about 1/3rd of our income in the last few months due to some scenarios I will not discuss, but I think this largely contributes to our trepidation.  Nevertheless, I think we're going to start soon.  At least I bought vitamins (though haven't started taking them!), and made an appointment for a preconception check up!  We have to be really careful because of my medical condition which I've mentioned a few times.  If left unmonitored, it could jeopardize my life.

I've always said I would try and share this journey on this blog.  It could be long, it could be short, it could be stressful, it could be easy.  Like I said earlier, we haven't quite started yet, but that's where the train is headed.  Or we may chicken out and adopt or something.  Who knows - but that's the fun in the journey of life!

Holidays 2013

Bo & I love holidays.

We have quite different holiday "cultures" shall we say, but one thing is for certain, we do love to travel to new places.  Bo is much more of a play it safe person and I'm more of a let's go all out person.  Where we both come together is that we both appreciate luxury and fine things.  Though Bo likes to play it safe his tastes are probably more lavish than mine and if not for his eyes always being on the bank account, he would definitely plan more luxurious getaways than I would.  As it now, we generally decided were we want to go together, I end up planning the type of trip - what we do and how lush we get - we argue and stress out about the budget, then we usually end up somewhere in the middle and have a fantastic holiday!

This year we went to several places in Europe this was one of the places on the itinerary:

I can't really remember where else we went during this year and I'm hoping we went on vacation earlier too or that would be depressing :-)  Either way, I love our vacations and cherish them as it's one of the only times Bo & I give each other our undivided attention, for days on end.  What a luxury!  

I'm already thinking about vacations we could take for next year, hopefully we can get our financials in order to be able to take a few of these.  We may take a few little ones, dotted around Africa, or we may just go to a perhaps two major ones.  All God willing of course.  I pray things are even bigger and better than I can imagine.  So where do I want to go?

First up we have this beautiful place....it's in Africa somewhere *wink

And this place, which is also in Africa but a different country:

That last picture is so gorgeous.  I want to go there so badly.  I wish someone would have the foresight to build something like that here in Nigeria, but even then, it would probably take much more effort to get there than to go to this country.  Still it's on my list.  

So is here....somewhere in Europe:

I'm sort of surprised that all my dream vacation spots are by the water or close to the water.  I guess you can take the coastal girl from the coast but you can't take coast of out the girl....wait, does that make sense? Lol.  I've never lived in a landlocked city and I guess that shows.  

Anyone dreaming of any fabulous vacation spots?  Do share!

Go Go Go!

A little overwhelmed these days.  It's somewhat tough juggling the many hats I put on of wife, sister, cousin, daughter, friend, professional.  All of a sudden it seems like something from every one of those hats needs my attention and needs it urgently, anyone else feel that way at this stage of their life?  This is a very funny stage.  I almost wish I could go back to my days in uni even though as I type this right now I couldn't really tell you what those days consisted of - what DID I do with my time?

Bo and I have been going through a challenging time lately.  He's so busy right now working on a project and comes home at about 10pm and I'm so busy at work I don't even walk into my home until at least 9pm.  We spend what I call tired minutes together - plop down in front of the tv, have some dinner, pretend we're going to spend quality time in front of the tv, fall asleep on the couch in about 5 minutes flat!  It would actually be quite funny if it well...if it wasn't!  In between my little cousin would call to gist about her boyfriend issues, my mother-in-law would require me to send some recipe, I make sure the cook has made something appropriate for dinner, I make sure the cleaner has her cheque, I get to the gym to workout, it's really exhausting!  Most worrying of all though, of course, is trying to find the time to have quality time with my hubby.  It's quite frustrating.  In the beginning of our marriage I told Bo that my biggest fear is that people drift apart in marriage because of how easy it is to just start living separate lives, where a couple spends 95% of their time outside of each other.  To me the easiest path to that for us is work.  It got so worrying for me last week friday, that I just had to leave everything to God, saying my golden prayer about God teaching us how to best love each other, to keep each other fulfilled.  Sometimes things in life get in the way and one can only cling to the third person in the relationship, i.e God, to hold the reins until something eases up.

The good news though is that we both love our jobs, love what we do, and feel so fulfilled doing it.  I'm really proud that we go against the grain in many aspects.  I'm also really at peace in my heart that apart from being spouses to each other, and lovers, we are such great friends.  Glad about this because at times like these when energy is spent elsewhere, our basic love, affection, admiration, hangs on to that thread of friendship.  A few days ago I was fortunate to get out of the office rather early at 7pm and headed to a restaurant for drinks with a friend, I get a text message from Bo:

Babes...how's it going?  I miss you, isn't the restaurant going to close soon?

That brought a smile  to my face.  It's not a terribly big deal but it does make me happy that my husband misses his wife!

NOTA BENE:
Regarding the previous two posts, thanks to all commenters.

Kanye Shrug

How I wish I could share the chuckle Bo and I just had regarding this post, but I think it's probably best to keep it an inside joke!

Moving along...

The one thing I've learned for sure in keeping this blog is that the nature of the medium itself allows everyone to participate in one of the purest human ways possible.  There's always what is being said, and what is the truth/motivation behind what is being said.  I've found that once you can discern the two, it's easier to let go and enjoy the blog for what it is.  This goes for both the author and the audience of the blog.  I enjoy this aspect so tremendously.  Now for the comments section, I've found that it almost always says much more about the person commenting, than the subject the comments are directed to.  It is usually out of some personal experience that motivates one to go through the hassle of leaving a comment.  Fascinating.  Reading comments is my favorite part of keeping this blog.

Which leads me to my last post.  There's a comment by someone called Uloms and a few other visitors (welcome to my blog!).  To ease your various concerns for me and my living in bondage or pain (I can't even believe I typed that!) let me reassure you that I am not in bondage or in pain.  Thanks for the concern.  I'm also quite free.  Now, to ask a truly honest question, how would you know if I were telling the truth about being free and not in bondage or in pain?  I'm really interested to know mostly because I personally think it would require some sort of leap of faith for you in what I am writing.  Believe or not, there's really no way for you to know for sure, ever.  So I personally don't see a need for such a strong feeling on the subject!  :-)

There was a comment on infertility.  Yes, I have a condition that is similar to, but not, PCOS.  No, your guess was wrong.  Bo & I are on birth controls and have never, not once, even tried to TTC.  Whenever Bo & I do start TTC, we may have conception issues or we may not. We will cross the bridge when we get there.  PCOS and other similar conditions are very serious issues affecting many women the world over and I do not take the issue lightly out of utter respect and compassion for those who struggle with it and its implications daily.  I don't bandy it about and it matters to me a great deal that I don't distort my experiences living with it.  Thus, if I were TTC and having troubles, I would mention it if only to assure others they weren't alone.  To those who care, I don't know what it's like TTC with PCOS because I've never tried, when I do, I will definitely share the journey to provide information and to encourage.

Lastly, isn't it incredulous that some would say "You are thinking too much about having a baby"?  It's a baby for chrissakes!  I like that I oscillate about whether or not I'm ready, I do think it's completely responsible and acceptable behaviour to consider all options and listen to all experiences before embarking on such a journey.  It is good to read all sorts of books, to talk about it, to be honest with oneself and to explore one's emotions.  These are all great things to do before bringing another human being into the world.  I'm supposed to be allowed to go on incessantly about weddings and love but I can't go on incessantly about such a key product of weddings, marriage, and love?  Really?  Furthermore, it would not be responsible behaviour on my part to imply in any way that all women must want babies, and/or all women must be so sure in their hearts about their feelings and desires.  It is entirely okay, not be so sure.  If there are people out there who have made decisions not to have babies or to defer their child-rearing periods and never talk about this decision because it was such an easy no-brainer, I'm happy for them.  Alas, as for me, I have a blog and I'm free to talk about it, the way I feel it.    I like that my posts show it is not an easy decision and it's okay to go back and forth.

This blog is about happily ever after, the real story of love, marriage, relationship.  The happily ever after where babies are discussed over and over again, mortgage, paying for school fees, leaving a will in case of unexpected death, saving and scrounging for cash and savings, getting your heart broken by your spouse, cuddling to sleep, and waking up to 1000 kisses are discussed.

To just look at pretty wedding pictures and skip over the daily routines of building a life, there's always the Bella Naija wedding pages!

On Everything

One of my favorite book titles is called On Beauty by Zadie Smith, and even though I still have not gotten around to completing the book, I do think it's a fantastic title.  Like the beginning of a conversation, or a telling of sorts.  So since the breaks here are getting wider and wider, I'll use that same format.

On Life in General
I'm in a decent place with life.  I feel like I have a good grasp on what to expect and what not to expect out of people, out of situations, out of life.  I'm finally comfortable and confident with that.  It's different from the younger days where one's head was in the clouds and the paths to this or that seemed like such a straight line, a straight story.  However life is not like that.  The beauty of life is that it can be unpredictable so one has to be flexible.  This is a lesson to learn and I'm finally in a peaceful place about this.

Over the last few years, all stemming from my wedding period, I've had to evaluate what friendship and family means to me.  There were friends who showed themselves to not be very friendly and there were family members who it became obvious wanted me to fail than to be happy and healthy.  Also after marriage I immensely enjoyed new friendships forged with women who were also newly married and going through the same stage as I am.  That, surprisingly, has been short lived.  I'm finding that that entire period really has a rapidly approaching expiry date on it.  I really enjoyed it but now, as I move further and further away from my actual wedding date, those friendships based on the craziness of that period are becoming less relevant to me now.  I'm also learning that this is okay.  All of this has allowed me to know exactly what I want in a friend and I'm now getting to a point that the people that are around me now, many of whom are new friends, are more in line with who I am fundamentally.  It's a little bit about common phases in life, and common experiences, but more and more it's more about shared outlook on life in general.  This is good.

Speaking of friendships, I'm currently in a place where I cherish, absolutely cherish the company of other women.  I know many ladies tend to be apprehensive about other women, some even defensive, but I've found that I really cherish hanging out with other women.  We have so much thrown at us, so much to consider, so much responsibility.  I'm just amazed, proud and genuinely interested in each of our stories.  I also believe it's important we validate ourselves and we are kind to one another.  Everyone needs a little help, and it's just that much more challenging being a Nigerian woman living in Nigeria.  So much is expected of you.  We should be kind to each other.

On Having a Baby
Bo and I have decided not to have kids for a few more YEARS.  In some ways this has been a hard decision but in many other ways, it's been an easy decision.  I'm currently working on a work project and it just dawned on me that I am so much more excited about this project than I am about expanding our unit of two.  Like significantly more excited, fired up.  I think I've suspected it for a while but I've finally come to peace about the fact that I'm just not a very maternal person.  I have so much pressure from all sides: mothers, friends, medical, but at the end of it all this is my life and I only have one to live.  I have a responsibility to myself, and to my husband, to pursue and follow my instincts and my gut.  My gut says, establish yourself, then establish your home.  Truth is, being CEO of a business that is successful, adds to the economy, and employs tons of Nigerians, is more important to me than being a mother right now.  It certainly isn't so for everyone but I have to be honest with myself, it is so for me.  And this is a hard thing for me to admit and even as I type this, I want to go back and delete the words but I delete from the screen does not mean I can delete from my heart.  It's even harder as everyone around me pastes pics of their growing babies, or even as they start the journey as parents of TWO.  They have gone so far beyond what my brain can comprehend :-)  Their lives seem so different from mine.

On Marriage
My marriage is the biggest blessing in my life.  It is everything and more all at the same time.  I am so lucky.  I have a home that is happy, and peaceful, and filled with love, support, and kind words.  I would like to say though I think increasingly it is important to look for a partner with a genuinely good heart.  Someone who is a good person and whose walk in faith is very important to them.  I really think that is the secret, everything else is rubbish regardless of what anyone may have you believe.  You will know when someone is a good person with a good heart when you see them, they are selfless, they are caring, they want to be helpful, they are are respectful, they are kind, even to those who aren't kind to them.  You will know because they do everything to live peaceably with all men.  Once you find someone like that, be good to them as well and they will cherish and love you all their days.  The hard part of learning to love is learning to love someone's imperfections: not sexy enough, not yellow enough, not buff enough, fat, short, smelly breath, bad kisser, bad dresser, etc etc.  Those things are cosmetic and by the very law of nature, all those guys that have all those things tend to know they are hot commodity and are less likely to be kind genuine souls.  So give it up.  The way Bo dresses now is completely, completely different from how he used to dress when I met him.  It wasn't even deliberate on my part, but as part of building our lives together I'm just always there when he shops and he asks for my opinion and I give it - meaning slowly his style has involved into something heavily influenced by me.  I would hate to think I missed out on the happiness I have now in my marriage because I thought he was an awful dresser.  Take a leap of faith on the nice guy!