Crawling Exes

Long before I met Bo, I met Segun. Segun is the son of a family friend but I didn't really meet him until 2002. For some reason when I met him I just decided at my young ripe age then (ha!) that I was going to marry Segun. It was just meant to be and that was that. He wasn't particularly handsome or charming or whatever. In fact he was a bit of a personality and difficult at best. No matter, I started crushing on him from that very first meeting. I'm not sure it was an emotional thing but for some reason in my head, I thought, he and I would make a good match so I set about making it happen. We exchanged numbers and spoke very sparingly over the next few years. Our conversations were always very awkward, mostly it was almost like a young girl crushing on an older guy, and being thoroughly self-conscious throughout the whole thing kinda thing. Very odd. No matter, I was determined I would crack it, and we would still end up married somehow. I was so serious about this I had written his my name with his last name in my address book at the time, AND written his name and my name in my bible with the year I was thinking we WOULD get married. Yes, I was nutters. Absolutely nothing had happened between us at this point. Just a few awkward conversations on the phone.

Around 2003, I ended up having to travel to the state Segun lived in for work. Unfortunately the client had made an error in booking everything and I was a bit stranded, so I called Segun and ended up at his house. This was his family house, and his mom and siblings were around. After dinner Segun & I went downstairs to the basement but I think the attraction there was quite strong etc, and we finally ended up in a very heated makeout session. However it didn't get any further really than just kissing, of course his family was around and I ended up sleeping in the guest room quite far from any Segun danger :-) So that was it, right? We actually didn't keep up much after that. One or two phone calls maybe. Our conversations were still largely short and awkward.

About a year later, Segun moves to the same city I was living in and I think we both set out to maybe get a bit closer. I visited with him a couple of times (definitely the crush was very much MORE from my side than his), met his best friends and his other siblings briefly and that was that. Just as things were really getting heated up, Segun mentions that he has issues with our families being so close etc., and for some reason at that point I just gave him a look. I mean this is a man I'd been crushing on for AGES and here he is giving me the most simple of excuses. I decided that was that. I certainly wasn't going to put myself out there for him any longer and if indeed anything was going to happen then the ball was now COMPLETELY in his court. I walked away completely from the quasi-relationship (eyeroll) and didn't look back. He also didn't make an effort to call me or whatever. Great. I thought.

Fast forward to a week after my wedding, guess who calls me? I mean he actually picked up the phone and called ME? I was surprised and shocked. But okay, whatever. He calls me several times in that first week. And then I would run into him here and there, and magically Segun was now a more attentive nicer person to me. I mean the awkwardness and nonchalance on his part in our conversations were now GONE. I raised an eyebrow but left it. Then he calls me one night at MIDNIGHT to say he needed my help with a document could I help him proofread it, etc., he really needed my help. I said no and he went on about how he wouldn't let me down if the shoe was on the other foot and it was for work etc. This is when things started to go off in my head and I told Bolaji about my uneasiness with this "friendship" We decided to shrug it off. By now I was receiving blackberry pings very often from Segun, comments on every thing I say etc. Then last week he called me to ask if I could order something for him with my credit card. I agreed and went ahead, only for him to keep postponing pick up and payment time from me. Then he starts calling me frequently or apologizing and asking me to call him back. I mean what is THIS? So last week Bo finally said enough is enough. He's not comfortable with the guy and he thinks Segun's just trying to get my goose, to get me going. We sat down and really had a chat about this. I had to tell Bo that if he was uncomfortable, my "friendship" with Segun wasn't actually that important at all so I'd gladly let it go.

I've since deleted him from my BlackBerry and ignore his calls. I'm just baffled at how some men are. There are some things I see clearer about my single years now than I did then. One of them being that some men are ALL and ONLY about the chase, not the follow through. It is all some sort of game. Some men that are waxing all sorts of sweet nothings in your ear right now are just doing it for the fun of the game, and I don't mean sex, because I don't think it's about that all the time. I think it's just the game for some men. So keep an eye on this and watch out. A healthy, real relationship has no drama, should make you feel more comfortable about who you are, should be a refuge from the craziness of the world, should elevate you mentally, and spiritually, should never make you feel inferior or habor any of your self-esteem issues (we all have them). I truly believe when a man is ready, and shows that he is ready to move heaven and earth for you, just because you are you, then that's the REAL one for you.

I think only when you are in this healthy, real, relationship do you start to truly appreciate how ugly (emotionally) some guys in your past are, and even worse that it's not an anomaly, but many men behave exactly the same way.

More Income, Less Money

Bo and I have been having a bit of a rough time recently. We just can't seem to meet our financial needs and wants lately and a bit perplexed on how that is and how we can better arrange our finances. I think this weekend we're going to sit down and actually pull up an excel worksheet and do proper budgeting.

I tell my friends from my experiences it seems once you get married, your income increases (combined) but then it just seems you never have any money! I make a pretty decent income from my job and Bo makes twice what I make as salary. I've had my job for a few years and I was even making less when I lived alone. However as a single lady, I ALWAYS had more than enough. I travelled all across Europe and Canada and North America and Africa, and ate wherever as often as I wanted and I was quite content. Same with Bo, so how come now that we're married it just seems increasingly difficult trying to save. It's easy to say rent is the culprit but honestly from calculating it this morning when I sat in bed, our rent is not even up to one third of our combined salaries! So where is it all going?!!! I'm so perplexed.

If I were to guess I'd say we travel a lot and we do eat out occasionally as a treat. Perhaps the eating out all adds up? Traveling has been one of those things that's just a bit more complicated now. Before if I wanted to travel just saved X amount and went about my business. At the very least I'd bum off of some friends or family and would only have to worry about my flight. Now, now...first we have to double the plane ticket fees, which is a lot more effort than individually just trying to save up for a trip, then we probably have to find a hotel or B&B to stay at, and then of course, when there's two, you'd of course want to sight see and do more tourist-y things because, well, because now you have a partner. So off you go to wherever and all the while, the bill is racking up! Traveling just seems to cost a LOT more as a couple. We've already taken three leisure trips out of the country this year, a really big one is coming up as one of Bo's best friends from college is getting married in Napa (this trip costs us N800,000 in flights alone!), and we usually take a New Year's trip as well. Whew! And this is not counting some little trips we hope to go on in between: Calabar, Benin Republic. Even as I type I know we're going to have to really budget before adding any other trips. Just a few hours ago, I sent a text to Bo saying, "I'd really love to go to Turkey summer next year" and he responds, "Let's Do It!" See, this is the kind of thinking that gets us into trouble!

Apart from that we're currently experiencing some challenging times in terms of professional work and it's really interesting trying to hold everything together. I've read too many times that financial worry is the number one cause of divorce so I always try and sure that no matter what we're fighting on the same side. Yesterday Bo came back from work a little beaten down mentally and I had to really really encourage him using biblical references etc. Even this morning he was just tossing and turning in bed with worry. Men are amazing creatures, they really do get caught up in being 'the provider'. It's really important to them! Sometimes when other women talk about how much we sacrifice in a marriage I always make sure to point out that men go through very tough times as a result of being married as well. It's like they just naturally carry everything, everyone's worries, and place it firmly on their shoulders. It can't be easy. I think we're doing fine and I assure him of this all the time but he still feels this strong need to give me "the life of my dreams" as he says. There's no matter what a woman will say I think a man would still feel this way. A friend of mine who's been married for over 6 years put it this way to me, "It's not easy to bear that name husband."

Comments: I really appreciate the comments on my last post. One or two people said they thought we were basically planners on crack, lol. This is entirely possible I have to admit. I even discussed it with Bo and asked how he felt about that. I think bottom-line is, and I've mentioned on this blog before, I think we both actually are not terribly baby-crazy people so we approach having and raising children from a more pragmatic rather than an emotional point of view. Rather than just thinking we should have babies now, we're thinking "what kind of life do we want to create for our kids?" "What kind of environment do we want them to grow up in" Which may or may not be good approach but we're both are very much on the same page and I'm confident we will do what we think is best for us, and as always prayerfully consider what we think are the options in front of us.

Secondly, I'm amazed that it seems many people don't plan their families! I'm actually becoming more and more shocked about this. I'm not saying that is a bad thing but it just never occured to me that we wouldn't plan our families as best as we could! Once those babies come, they kind of have a way of controlling everything, at least for the first few years, surely, it's best to lay some plans and agree on the framework before building? Am I alone here? As an analogy and only an analogy, if you were building a house, you don't just say, right, I want a house, I've found the spot, "pour on the cement baby!" First, you draw up a blueprint, have it tweaked and approved by the team who would build the house to make sure it's structurally feasible, build a foundation, and so on, before you start. Because once they start pouring on the cement, it gets harder AND costlier, to say to everyone on the build site, "WAIT A MINUTE!" :-)

Lastly, I'm still looking for the blog I mentioned at the bottom of the last post. Please if anyone can help direct me to it, I'd be mighty grateful.

Baby Baby!

Ha!

Got you!

No, not pregnant yet. :-)

I have been quite ill though. I've mentioned before that I have hormonal imbalances and sometimes that wreaks a bit of havoc around these parts. But I am feeling much better these days. Thank God. Things are pretty mellow in the BoKem household. Just a steady day-to-day ness of everything. I love that Bo and I don't fight much though so weeks can fly by without very much incidence. One thing that has brought a new dimension into things is that one of Bo's good friends, Nkem (whom I blogged about his wedding here) had a baby girl about a week ago! It is amazing to go through this journey with our friends. I've been so excited about their baby from the moment I heard she was on the way, so to finally arrive at the day where we received the call that she's finally born into this world was amazing. I love this baby already and can't wait to meet her and carry her. It was funny because Bo got a call on his phone around 4am to say that the baby was here and after hanging up, he gently nudged me because he knew I was overly excited about this and told me. I think he was excited too. We hugged and said a prayer for our friends right there and then. We've actually been praying for Sheila throughout her pregnancy so we're just grateful to God. The more we learn about pregnancy the scarier the whole thing seems to myself and Bo.

We talk about it A LOT now which I suppose it's a good thing. Some days I look forward to it but others, I wonder if it's something I REALLY want or if I'm just following convention and just want to experience the same things my friends are. I want to really want my baby, like absolutely feel it in my heart. I don't think I'm there yet. At least not for the right reasons. I have to say though I'm very proud so far of the approach Bo and I have been taking about increasing our family. We talk about it a lot like I previously mentioned. We talk about our thoughts on discipline, our plan to manage finances, we talk about education and the kind of life and lifestyle we want to create for our children. We've actually talked about specific schools we want them to go to and researched admissions, fees, etc. For example, we both agree that we want our kids to go to pre-prep and prep boarding schools abroad which start out quite young (some as young as 4, and require registration as early from birth as possible!). We also talked about how I wanted a five year gap between kids. Bo was surprised about that and said he hadn't really thought about that before and had just assumed 3, but we reasoned out and agreed on 5. When I think about the schools I want my children to go to, it truly truly focuses my mind. For us to be able to afford such schools, we definitely need to build a certain level of income/savings/investments. I'm actually very proud of us that we are thinking things through in this way. It gets us talking and keeps us running as a unit.

We are very aware that these are all just plans. Life has a funny way of happening whether one plans it that way or not. To me that's the fun part of it really. We articulate what we want for our family, pray to God, work hard, and enjoy each day as it comes. Even though we do use contraception (which seems to be odd around these parts), I always periodically check with Bo and say "what if I'm pregnant" he always responds, "well, then you are". This really makes me relaxed because I know no matter what life brings we'll just deal with it together.

On another related note: Bo & I are addicted to the show Giuliana & Bill anyone else out there watch this with their partners? Bo doesn't even watch television but he can sit and watch marathons of this stuff with me. I'm surprised. We always end up feeling very emotional after each episode. They seem to have a really strong marriage don't they?

Last unrelated note: I read one of my commenter's blogs recently where she talked about the 1 Timothy man in relation to the Proverbs 31 woman. I desperately want to find the blog again but can't seem to find it. Please if you can assist me and direct me to the url I'd really appreciate it. I really enjoyed reading the blog. Thanks.

11 Thoughts on the First Year of Marriage

I thank God for his grace that he has shown me and Bo over the last year. I thank God that he picked me to share the life of such a wonderful person as Bolaji. Many say the first year is the hardest or roughest year, if that's the case then Bo and I are among the very lucky ones. The first year wasn't hard for me. I mean we had some really key disagreements and some intense moments, many of which I've recorded on this blog, but truly it is easy to live with my husband. Since we've navigated the first year fairly successfully, here are some of my thoughts and experiences within this first year:

1. Marry Your Best Friend. This I think is the most important lesson learned this past year. I read an article in an Oprah magazine recently where the woman exclaimed "your husband cannot be your best friend" but let me tell you, yes he can! Bo is my absolute best friend in the world. Most times it actually just feels like I'm living with my best friend and we just happen to be married. I don't mean best friend in the sense many ladies say it simply because this man is who you spend most of your time with and are devoted to, but best friend like how a kid can go to a playground, meet another kid in the sandbox and start playing with each other for the entire time and then swear they're best friends.
2. Never Go To Bed Angry. For me this is similar to the familiar refrain of communication. No matter how hard, awkward, difficult, or challenging it is, make sure that in your heart, you forgive yourself and your partner for your contribution to any argument. You don't have to talk it out, but in your quiet moments, make peace with it. This is an incredibly difficult challenge but it's an investment for a stronger bond and a more secure marriage. Put in the work. One thing is for sure, you cannot talk to God whilst angry, so at the very least before you sleep, try and talk to God, leaving all anger and malice behind. I've read some things on the internet that say it's good to go to bed angry, you can talk about it another day. This is not entirely true, even if you choose to forgive the other person as well as yourself before you sleep, no one says you can't still talk about the issue in the morning. Challenge yourself not to stay angry.
3. Loneliness. This is probably my number one realization about marriage and I wish someone had spoken candidly to me before. This is not that you'd be lonely in your relationship, no. But as a single lady you are used to talking about relationships, boyfriends, etc. Once you get married no one expects you to talk any more! This can be a hard transition as sometimes you just want to yell "aaaargh!" I deal with it by adhering to some fundamental rules of mine. I will NEVER talk badly about my husband to anybody at any time for any reason. Apart from that I've found it helpful sharing my experiences with a closed set of friends, mostly married ladies. In Nigeria we are told once we marry never to talk, I think this can lead to loneliness for many women. I think we should share experiences. Just share smartly and never say anything you can't say in front of your husband or your husband doesn't know already.
4. Indescribable Sense of Security. One of the best things about being married is that I feel so secure and loved ALL the time. I know my husband chose me, I know he loves me. He's not playing games and he's not going anywhere. Because of this security I feel so much peace about myself and about my future. I read this quote online somewhere yesterday and it's of a husband saying to someone else "I know my wife is wrong but I'm the only one who can tell her that"....so back off! I love all of this.
5. Encouragement. Just like women want security, I think men want encouragement and support. My husband dreams a mile a minute, from big dreams to not so big ones, but he has such a fervor for them all! I'm not sure there's anything more important to a man than when his wife offers words of encouragement and support. I've come to believe this is one of the key roles of a woman in marriage. Forget all the cooking and things, but if you are the pillar of encouragement in a man's life, he'll always always put you on a pedestal. If Bo comes to me tomorrow and says "Babe I want to tie a rope around the moon and bring it down to our backyard" I would say, okay what's your plan? Let's get to work!
6. Listen. Some of us are not very good at the listening thing. In a legendary fashion, I'm actually bad at this. However I've been committed to this part of my personality. I read somewhere that you have to always give clues to the other person that you're listening to them and value their opinion. This is especially important in an argument. I literally have to tell myself to stop. and listen. whenever Bo has something to say. Rather than interrupting to say why I think he's wrong etc., I just try and let him land, watching my body language. I relax my shoulders, tell my body to be calm and release all tension, then I look at him and nod my head to assure him I'm listening. Then I just let him finish. I think a lot of arguments escalate because many people don't know the art of just staying still. We think we're right and want to tell it to the other party right away, but listening goes a long way. If you can before you start, reiterate what the other person just said then go into your points of view.
7. Tough Life Decisions. Let me say, marriage matures you! Whenever I'm speaking to my just about engaged or newly affianced friends, at some point they start complaining about decisions they've had to make etc. Well, things don't get easier. As big boys and girls we now have more freedom than ever but also more responsibilities than ever and this means making those tough life decisions. The good thing is it's not just you and you have a life partner who can bring much needed laughter during such times.
8. True Meaning of Love. You've got to be ready to love someone wholly. This means through all their flaws and all. If you don't think you're ready for this, then you may want to wait a bit before jumping that broom. You have to honestly be able to look at your partner's crooked nose and their ability to leave their socks next to instead of IN the basket, and still love them more than anything else in the world. Now this is tough and you may never fully get the hang of it, but you have to always maintain your willingness to try. I have a friend of mine who's dating someone (waiting on a ring) but thinks he's not so hot in the bedroom. She's thinking she should end this relationship because of it. From my point of view, if you can't love someone enough to try and work through whatever issues he has sexually, then maybe you should end the relationship. It's really important to be willing to love someone through whatever issues they have. (of course this has limits like alcoholism, emotional abuse, and violence when loving that person may mean getting out of their way and getting them professional help).
9. Mirror Effect. Being married to someone is like holding a mirror to yourself. Your partner is your mirror and WILL reflect back to you all the good and the bad parts of your personality. This will happen no fail. I'm not sure if there's anything to be done to mitigate this, most especially because you are a mirror too, holding up the reflection of your spouse, so you have firsthand knowledge of how tough it is to handle. I will say try and be compassionate, whatever it is you're feeling chances are your spouse is feeling exactly the same way. Go easy on each other.
10. Tit for Tat. Never ever ever do this. It's malicious. Try and stir clear of "don't worry, i'll do the same thing to him then he'll know how it feels." This is a rule I had about marriage before even going into it. An eye for an eye makes the world go blind and this thing is just too important for me to let it all "go blind". It is so hard to do, I know, but what I do is talk it out with my hubby and tell him how I feel about that particular issue. Tit for tat breeds distrust, anger, and resentment, it won't solve any issues. It really is a challenge, but the fruits of not being malicious pays wonderful dividends.
11. Make Up Your Own Rules. I think this should be a cardinal direction, especially in Nigeria. This is because here, the society has very clear and concise rules for how a marriage should be and how a wife and a husband should be. Very clear. And we're unapologetic about it. Even worse so, we try and ram it down everyone's throats: you are a wife you must be like this, you are a husband you must do this. The best thing I've found being married to Bo is that we agree to live our lives exactly the way we want it and we fight to maintain our own principles as opposed to society's principles. We've always agreed that being married is not the most interesting thing about our lives or even our lives together. We don't always introduce each other as husband/wife because we feel it's nobody's business what our relationship status is so long as we're together. When we pray we pray first about our relationship, then second about our marriage, because we believe our relationship is just two of us, our marriage is everything else kids, finances, etc. and we are in a marriage because of our relationship. MANY people find this odd, I know, and I understand but that's just the way we want to live our lives. It works for us. I think everyone should talk about and decide what works for them and stick to it regardless of what ANYONE may say or think.

I can't express how much I look forward to writing my thoughts on the Fifth Year of Marriage (whether here or elsewhere who knows). I'm so excited about that. At dinner on our anniversary I asked Bo to give us a toast and he said this, "May 1 become 2, become 5, become 10, become 30, become 50 and more" and I thought that was a PERFECT toast. I can't wait!

Royal Wedding Frenzy

I'm actually ashamed of myself that I'm so obsessed with these two. I'm ashamed but then I also cut myself some slack. I've had a crush on Prince William for pretty much my entire life so it only follows that when he finally picks a lady to marry I'd be very much into it. I can't wait for it to be all over though, the frenzy is just...unnatural. I can only wish Kate goodluck because like many brides that have gone before her, after the wedding frenzy ends, you've got a marriage. And that's one tough cookie to crack.

Outside of royal watching, not much has been going on here besides work. Our anniversary came and went pretty quietly. The first part of the day crashed with me crying and accusing Bo of not taking the day seriously enough since of course he doesn't mark anything. He even worked for a bit, then went off for a skype meeting that lasted a little bit. I called him in and told him I think he's ruined our anniversary, at which point he was so surprised and said, "I'm sorry babe, let's start the day again..." then proceeded to give me the usual million kisses, asked me to get dressed, went to my favorite dinner where apparently when I was in the shower he had called ahead and asked for my favorite cake and a candle. It ended up being a really sweet and romantic day. Even now my husband is laying in the bed next to me and it's indescribable the love I feel towards him. During the dinner we both mentioned three things that have been fabulous about being married to each other so far, one of mine was security and stability. I love that I'm the most important thing to this person sleeping next to me. No more single girl games etc. I truly absolutely love that.

In all I think I learnt another lesson. My anniversary doesn't have to be like anyone else's. We should just do what feels good and natural to us and make sure that our love for each other shines through. I think I got that wrong initially. There are no hard and fast rules.

Happy Mother's Day!

To all those celebrating Mother's Day or Mothering Sunday today (british and british affiliated countries), HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! This one is special to me as I have a few of my friends expecting to give birth any moment soon, so I'm especially wishing them a PHENOMENAL mother's day.

We women are a gifted lot. Remember to love you!

Cry Cry Baby

Very short post.

I just absolutely cried after reading this blog post from Jessica over at From Marriage to Motherhood. Especially the last line:

To my husband, whom I adore: "My greatest good fortune in a life of brilliant experiences has been to find you and to lead my life with you" - Winston Churchill

I don't know, the tears just started to flow. And not the nice, cute tears, but the big ugly face tears. I'm very hormonal right now (Aunt Flo) but still at the same time I read that and I feel so fortunate to actually be able to nod my head and know what she's talking about. In case I haven't said it nearly enough times, or in case I've somehow made it all trivial, let me say it again. My husband is the best human being I know. Not the best man, but human, that I know. He gives meaning to my life and I truly only bask in his love for me. Whenever I pray about him, I say, "well, God, you know your son...." because indeed Bo is a kind, thoughtful, generous, God-fearing, helpful, honest, hardworking, good man. Not just to me. To everybody.

Some day, years from now by the magnificent grace of God, we will hold hands and I will tell you exactly the words above. Till then, I will keep it in my heart, and every time I lift my face to yours, it will be written all over it. Till then, it will be like an unspoken promise between you and I, it will be our covenant.

Thank you God for this wonderful journey.