Day At a Time

I've taken a hiatus from the blog but mostly because I've been busy with work and family. Yes, I know regular excuse. I was not even able to check on my favorite blogs so imagine Bo's confusion when I squealed in excitement for ChiChi's baby and Amy's baby addition! Congratulations to these fabulous new mamas who are a part of my blog community. Your daughters are gorgeous :-)

Nothing much's new in the BoKem household which is just as well. I think I've mentioned here before how rarely we fight or argue which is really a blessing. Also I think we're even more used to each other's nuisances and we respect each other even moreso today than we did when we got married two years ago. So nowadays once we notice tension prone moments we both just slow down and thread carefully in order to diffuse the tension. Initially it was tough to have to will yourself over to your spouse, whom you feel is wrong by the way lol, and do something just to diffuse tension and get things in order. For example it was difficult for me after a tension-filled moment to then go and hug and kiss my hubby and just generally cuddle up to him. I'm getting easier with that. Even if I'm right. Probably it's because we both hate confrontation which works for us!

About baby watch, well, I'm in a GREAT place with that. I LOVE that we haven't rushed things and that we talk about having children and raising them so much these days I'm so glad that we have this time to talk around it. We've talked about spacing our kids, we've talked about education and our desires regarding that, we've talking about family dynamics and encouraging equality and confidence between the children, we've talked about the principles and values we want to build within the family unit, and more. It's been really enlightening and I feel so much that we are within God's plan for us. We're in a really good place regarding this I think. I don't feel much that it is about me, I feel that it is about us. I don't feel rushed or hurried. I don't really stay away from children anymore fearing everyone would look at me thinking "awww..." I'm so very confident that when it's the time for us. It will just fit naturally into our lives. No jamming it in there. There's an incredible sense of peace I have now, that I didn't have even 6 months ago and I thank God for that. I think part of why it's this way is that I've fully accepted who I am, who my husband is, and how we feel. It's okay. We don't gawk or fawn at babies, we're very detached about it sometimes. A friend of ours showed us a picture of a baby and she was so smitten, asking me "look, isn't she so cute". Honestly I felt no heart strings. Neither did my husband. She was a bit shocked. I'm now okay with it. That's just the way God made me!

On another note, I was out to dinner with my Aunt recently and she tutted at me when I suggested the dinner because she asked me "Hope you've prepared dinner for Bo?" I replied that we both had to eat dinner somehow somewhere and Bo is an adult, I don't have to remain hungry until he eats. We like to eat dinner together, and since I do get home before he does I tend to just make dinner for the both of us however our understanding is that we both have a responsibility to each other to ensure that the other party is not starving at the end of the day. My Aunt was appalled! Funny enough, Bo came to pick me up from the restaurant, I asked if he was hungry he said yes and we came home and both in the kitchen made stir-fry. He was glad I stuck around the kitchen. That was that. My aunt didn't understand that it was entirely possible for me to eat and enjoy dinner without bothering myself and worrying and preparing my husband's food first. I think it's important to be open-minded, and light-hearted about these things. Whatever works best for my husband and I and the lifestyle we lead is what I will do. I have no interest in being my husband's mother, he's got a very capable mother! I'm his hot, sexy, interesting, intelligent, funny babe, Ha!

Continuous Learning

Happy New Year to you and yours. Very happy and grateful to God to be alive to witness this new year and I pray that all reading this will be sustained under His grace and mercy throughout this year. Remember to renew your prayer life, He will answer whenever you call. Amen.

The holiday was very relaxing in the BoKem household. Nothing really stressful. We both needed a good mind-numbing vacation and happily sank into the nothingness of the days. By the end of it though, Bo was ready to get back to work (and start making money lol) and I was ready to re-energize and re-focus. As talked about in the last post we have a loose plan for 2012 so we know each other's priorities individually and as a unit. We also sat down during the holidays to do a monthly budget in excel, so there's less tension regarding finances and saving. I'm very big on saving this year, and now with the removal of fuel subsidy, that has become even more imperative.

On to other things, one of my grand prayers when praying about Bo and I is that God should teach us how to love each other the way the other person needs to be loved. Sometimes I just shorten it to Lord teach us how to love each other. I find this is a grand prayer because it just encompasses every single challenge within a relationship, within a marriage. Both parties aren't perfect and will never be, so the remainder 20% that's not what you bargained for you've got to occupy it and love it away. That's really the big challenge. I read in one of Gary Chapman's books where he said he used to always complain about his wife NEVER shutting the drawers/cabinets in the house, which was especially upsetting since he always managed to run into it. After years of complaining about this he just realized that, well, his wife may NEVER change and if he was going to lead a happy (injury-free) life, he's going to have to learn to shut drawers/cabinets all over the house. I always remember this story because I believe it's a great attitude to have about many things, especially within a marriage. Bo is an incredible neat freak, which is great, but for some reason he never puts empty water bottles in the bin, he always leaves them hanging about the kitchen sink. This used to bother me until I just said to myself, well, he may NEVER change this so I'm going to have to resign myself to putting empty water bottles in the garbage. That's my job. I'm going to be okay with that :-)

This morning Bo says to me, I know you've been planning your birthday Asia trip for a while now, but I was looking at my calendar for work and noticed that your birth month is strategy month at work so I won't be able to take any trips during that month. See, this is where everything I've been writing on this blogpost comes together: my prayer that God teaches us each how to love each other, and Gary's advice to resign yourself to fill in the 20% that bothers you. My husband works in a very demanding industry and moreso he LOVES his job so working is something that fulfills him and I get and respect that. But I also don't desire to move my birthday trip because of his work. I told him this morning that I'd have to go by myself then or with a couple of girlfriends if they can swing it. This is obviously not what I want but while I truly understand his desire to be at work I also feel strongly about taking this trip during my birthday month not a month or two after. I'm not sure this is the best decision yet, so therefore this morning I'm humming my golden prayer in my head over and over, "God please teach me (us) how to love each other the way we need to be loved! Teach me (us) what I should do or say in this situation."

We'll see how it goes!

Season's Greetings!

What did everyone do for the Christmas? The beau and I just laid low and didn't do anything funky, just cuddled and loved up on each other! It's very VERY rare that we both are not working so it was really fantastic to just have late mornings, lazy afternoons, and quiet evenings. We did go out to eat on Christmas day and it was fantastic. I love Bo's company quite a lot and was really grateful to be on a "date" with him on this special day. I think Christmas and this season in general is for family and since right now we're a family of only two it feels very odd. My entire family lives abroad and so does Bo's (except his parents who also spend Christmas abroad) so it was just us two :-) I'm not sure which traditions we're going to embark on once the family expands but at this rate we have to think of something!

Though we had agreed that we wouldn't be giving gifts this year, my husband surprised me with TWO gifts! They were absolutely fabulous and it's official that my husband spoils me. He is one of those men that wants his wife to have the finest of things, and like I've resorted to telling him these days, "I can't wait till you're wealthy because I know you will SPOIL me!" Whenever I say this, Bo just shakes his head and laughs. He loves his wife :-) I felt so special when I received the gifts I cried. I always cry when he gives me gifts, I don't know why. I just feel so incredibly lucky and undeserving of his love and affection. I remind myself that in marriage, and in our partner, we get the closest to experiencing on earth, the kind of love God feels for us. Through my husband I'm able to ponder the magnitude of God's love for me. It's amazing.

Yesterday after having breakfast, Bo and I proceeded to talk about our relationship and our plans for the upcoming year. It was quite a spontaneous conversation but I really ended up liking it so it's probably something I'll encourage for the future. Essentially each of us named 5 things we were planning/hoping for for next year and then going down the list flesh out in details what actions we would have to take to achieve those goals. Two things both Bo and I had on our lists: build a better relationship with spouse/strengthen or sweeten the relationship; get a definitive answer on children. We ended up having a long conversation on the latter which I think has brought us closer to the same page. There were loads of talking and giggling (on my part) throughout the conversation. We were seated outdoors and it was just blissful. I'm blessed. Many people say having kids is really hard because it's like having your heart outside of you, walking around. That must be incredible because I feel the same way about Bo now. This evening I told him exactly that, he responded he felt the same way and I wondered to myself if I feel this way about my husband how will I feel about a child? Can one love even more than this?

For those who think, "this is too fairytale like", I'll have you know Bo and I had a massive fight about a week and a half ago. Massive. I was depressed the entire day. Luckily for me, when Bo got back he bee-lined straight to me and asked that we talk. We talked the issue out but sometimes it's really hard to let the angry emotion go but one of the things I'm committed to challenging myself to is being able to just accept an apology or the explanation of an intent, and LET IT GO. Letting go for no absolute reason is really hard but I'm learning it. I decided to forgive my husband and just move on with life. This is how we've been able to move the pendulum back to the "mushy" mood we're in now. I think he forgives me too.

I look to him as he's sleeping beside me now and I'm truly overwhelmed by how lucky and blessed I am. Thank You God. For 2012 I pray You teach us how to love each other better. Amen.

Happy New Years in advance and thanks for reading my blog in 2011!

And We Danced

If you were passing the aisles at Spar in Lekki, you may or may have not seen myself and my beau dancing to a christmas tune. I mean real dancing, hands placed on hip and neck, other hand clasped, swaying to the music. Well it was mostly Bo trying to get me to dance and me, trying not to look embarrassed in the store, in front of the milk display! :-) It was sweet though and now as I sit thinking about that I'm grinning ear to ear at the memory, and this my funny hubby!

We've been talking baby a lot lately and I think we're moving along nicely into perhaps expanding our unit soon. This morning Bo and I were having our morning talk, reluctant to get out of bed and he kisses me deeply and says, I think we should have a baby. A deep sigh on my part. He's been sounding more and more comfortable with the idea lately, and the more comfortable he sounds the more assured I am that I don't want to have them soon. I think my mind just likes playing hide and seek with me so whenever I think well, maybe...Bo is hesitant and whenever Bo's so sure of things, I'm a little more than hesitant. Either way, it's beautiful when your husband wants to have a child with you. I mean that in a purposeful way, not in a rushed, or well, we might as well, or that's what marriage is for isn't it kind of way. But in a way that he randomly says as he hugs you, imagine having our baby in the next room. Or I think I'm lucky you'll be the mother of my kids. That is coming from the heart, from abounding love, as opposed to from some sort of sense of duty. This is what we wanted and I'm so grateful to God He is faithful and answers the prayers of our heart.

I think that perhaps if I had gotten married earlier, maybe 22 or 23, perhaps I would have been more enthusiastic about baby-making or motherhood in general. Now I think I understand a little better some older women who are just reluctant to upend their lives or routine for new romances. I'm not old, but honestly, I love my relationship and I love the lives we lead now. It feels complete to me. Moreso I read about early and later motherhood/parenthood all the time, and not much of it seems appealing to me. I'm truly serious, not much of it appeal at all. I sit and talk to new mothers, used-to-it mothers, old-school mothers, and it all definitely sounds like a journey, an adventure, but it has very little draws. I mean I love children, I love all my nieces and nephews in my life and they truly light up my life, but I'm not rosy-eyed about the true reality of birthing then caring for a human being from baby to adulthood. Perhaps I know too much, read too much, and ask too much! I think many ladies think of pregnancy and though anxious, they are interested somehow or look forward somehow to the changes, I don't. Instead of wondering what if..., I'm thinking, "sigh, life's terribly unbalanced, do I haaave to? sigh again...." This is how weddings felt to me also: it's just something magical that other people do, not me. I recognize this feeling, I tried to swat it away but I'm realizing now, it was all true in the end. My wedding was nice, but it certainly wasn't earth shattering and I barely remember the entire day. It's just a day. My wedding dress lies at the bottom of a heap in a bag, I can't say I have any sentimental attachments to it. This is somehow how I feel about having kids. It's all nice and I understand how some can feel consumed by it, but I fear for me, I'm terribly neutral.

At least as of this moment. Oh I'm sure I'll go through everything, and I pray God overlooks my "silliness" but I have a feeling like everything else in my life, my wedding, my marriage, my relationship, my career, this I'm probably going to do this my way, which almost all the time, means not the way of most people.

Bo says this morning, you know there are people who are just waiting to see how we will handle it all. Those thinking, let's see them dancing in the aisles at the grocery store with a baby. Not. Gonna. Happen. He says well, it'll be the two of us, we built this relationship how we wanted it to be, and kids may change everything we know now, but it'll still be the two of us, and we'll re-build something else entirely and that's okay.

That comforts me.

Approaching 2 years...

Thinking about Bo and I moving closer to our 2nd year mark. Time does fly. We've been married almost 2 years, lived together almost 3 years, dated for almost 5 years. The numbers seem completely incredulous to me. My husband is my best friend, he's my shining armour, he's my fall guy, he's my Batman and I'm his Robin. A friend asked us recently if we thought we were still in the honeymoon phase. My answer was very clear and I think she was a bit shocked by it. Almost immediately I responded that I don't think we're in the honeymoon phase any longer. Certainly I'm not. I looked over at Bo to get his own response and he agreed that he doesn't believe we're in the honeymoon phase any longer. We're in quite another phase all together. One that I'm so happy with. We both responded that what we have now is more sustainable. It doesn't sound romantic does it? However, to be very honest, it's more romantic to me than anything else.

Take for example this week. I think we've had a small tiff for the past three days over some miscommunication. There were small squabbles but there was still tension. However on all three days the presence of tension in our discussion doesn't rattle us any longer. We just take a deep breathe, listen even more carefully and speak even more even-minded. One party sees the other side or we just agree to disagree and move on with kisses laughter and hugs. I love that. We're not goo-goo eyed at each other marveling about how perfect the other person is but we're holding on tight to each other because we realize this is the only other person who knows how messed up I can be sometimes and still wants to stick around for the next moment. That's why we hold each other tighter these days. Our laughter is real, soft, and genuine.

I read somewhere recently that your husband cannot be your best friend. In the same book there are stories of wives who take summers away from their husbands, or who cultivate intimate but non-sexual relationships with people outside their marriage. It works for them I suppose but also for me, truly, my husband IS my best friend. I never get tired of his company or having him around. Our conversation NEVER gets stale or boring to me. At least not yet anyway. The other day Bo and I were watching a movie and though he sat reclining on the sofa, I sat up but throughout the movie, no matter how I shifted or he shifted, Bo's hand would somehow find it's way to the small of my back or to my thigh and just rest there. I don't think he knows this but I felt just so connected to him even then. It was so subconscious for him, I don't think he was even thinking about it - I would shift a bit, and his hand would move but the moment I settled back down, there went his hand back to the bottom of my back. Just two souls, sharing their lives, sharing their space, sharing their experiences.

I'm one of those people who believe in renewing their marriage vows frequently. I've been thinking about which milestone would be best to start this tradition. Bo knows this and just rolls his eyes at me everytime I mention it, LOL. I'm thinking our fifth year anniversary. May God keep us to see that day in joy. I have grand plans for my fifth. A new ring, a beautiful dress, and a beautiful reception with just close family and friends, outdoors somewhere. So for me I'm very happy with 2 but 5, now THAT's going to be a party!

BabyWatch: I'm afraid it's all silent on that front! I had a dream recently about when I would have my first child. In the dream my age was made very clear to me. I don't know if it was some sort of revelation we will see. Right now Bo and I are very much in a non-baby phase. Sometimes I feel we could be like this forever...

Proverbs 31 Wife/Being Submissive

I admit it. Whenever I hear someone say, or read somewhere, "the Proverbs 31" wife, my eyes roll so far back into my head. Here we go. I for one thinks there are way too many "instructions" out there for the woman and not nearly enough out there for our men. This is why when I read about the 1 Timothy man here, it really did resonate with me and I agree with every single thing she wrote. Nevertheless every time I still hear that P31 woman thing, I cringe. The whole thing always remind me of this song:

Yes. Nigerians I feel especially love the P31 verses because I think it caters very nicely to our "Mommy Martyr"/"Saint Wife" way of life around these parts. All of this contributes to my cringing and eye-rolling.

Let's consider the verses if we can for a moment. First of all, it seems a bit out of place doesn't it? Out of nowhere, like it was tacked on at the last minute, or after a while. This is furthered by the fact that it's the last chapter in Proverbs. But be that as it may, I've also tried to find out more about the context and the writer. P31 is supposed to have been written of an advice of King Lemuel's mother to the King. Many biblical scholars believe that King Lemuel was the same as King Solomon. In that case, the words of P31 are Bathsheba's advice to her son. It is said that she gave this advice to Solomon after a drunken revelry in which he woke up late the next morning, and in waking him up is when Bathsheba gave him this "oracle" or advice. The context I find really illuminates the chapter. Bathsheba essentially admonishing her son over his drunkenness (and possibly womanizing) and in the same breath encouraging him to find a wife of "noble character". So although Solomon is indeed King, and a blessed one at that (1 Kings 10:23) his mother still desires him to have a hardworking wife, trustworthy, charitable, creative, etc. Or, perhaps since Solomon did have many wives, she was just admonishing him to remember the good works of his wife/wives (Pharaoh's daughter?). In the last verse it says "Give her the reward she has earned..."

So there, to me that is the context. For me, I don't want to be Martyr Wife, or Saint Mommy. I just want to be the best person I can be, which does fall in with the P31 woman, but it's not a burden or ghost or yolk that I carry about upon my shoulders. I just want to be a good person. A credit to my husband and children, one who has respect from the community because of her character, good works, and honor brought upon her by the standing of her husband "at the city gates".

Now on being submissive, for some reason many people bring that up also when they talk about the P31 woman, though being submissive is not mentioned anywhere in that chapter. It is mentioned elsewhere in the bible though. Submissive. That is also another word that whenever it creeps into conversations about marriage, my eyes do their thing again or I just cringe. I had to deal with this after I got engaged. What did I believe? and How can it be realistically actioned while still staying true to myself? I reasoned that I agree that there cannot be two masters to a ship. There can only be one master. One person who's word carries a bit more weight in family matters, one person to make the final decision: Yea or Nay. I want my husband to be the head of the household, to enjoy all the honor and respect that position brings. That can never be compromised by anybody. If that is to be so to the outside world, then that has to be so first in our home. This reasoning gave me peace. To me that's what "submit to the authority of your husband" means. I remember having this conversation with Bo when we were talking about role expectations in a marriage. I told him, you are the authority in this home, you are the head of this family, there's respect and honor in it, but there's also responsibility with it. And always remember that the power of your authority comes from my relinquishing that position to you (as directed and empowered by God, but actioned by me all the same). You must love, honor, and respect me for that act. He agreed, and honestly we've never really talked about it since then. I know my husband and I are on the same page, I know he carries me along fully in EVERY single decision, we are equal partners in every thing and every way, yet I know and he knows, that when it comes down to it, he's the decision maker, he's the trump card.

Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

I'm kind of sad and restless. The hubster's gone off to London for about a week for work, leaving Ms. Wifey (that's me) here by my lonesome. One one hand it's nice to be able to just relax and not worrying about house chores, and just to think I can decide to do dishes at 1am if I want, bliss! But overall, I just want to run back to the airport and be in my man's arms where everything is safe, and where love resides. Recently I've found myself taking the piss where Bo is concerned, I just bury my head in his chest and behave like a kid. I don't know where it comes from but I every thing just seems to melt away when I do that and I DO feel like a carefree, happy child.

Bo & I haven't been arguing recently which always makes me weary. I mean I'm very lucky but we do get along incredibly well, for that I'll always be grateful to God. Sometimes we can go for months without any incident at all, just love love and more love. I had the flu a few days ago and was sitting in bed, just sniffling and sneezing. Bo comes up to me and says "show me how to waltz." Of course I'm thinking he's nuts, it's 10pm! He says no really, show me. Now once in a while Bo & I just either dance in our living room or in our bedroom and I've always tried to get him to do the basic waltz steps but he always looks at me as if I have five heads. So I was quite surprised when he asks if I can teach him. I get up anyway, and teach him the basic box step. Before long we're doing a very very rickety waltz, mind you, but still a kind of waltz and we're just chuckling away falling over ourselves. I felt really really happy then. It's past 10 and we're being silly in our bedroom and it's like even my body has forgotten that it's battling the flu. We have many moments like that are so special to me. The picture up there pretty much sums it up for us, dancing in our living room, me with a wide grin, or a sly smile.

Back to no arguments, is it strange for a married couple to practically go months without even a disagreement? We were out to lunch with some friends last weekend and a friend of mine exclaimed "you guys are so much alike!" It made me laugh so much because originally, we're not alike at all, or so it would seem on the surface, but perhaps we do have much more in common in terms of personality and outlook than I realized. Whatever it is, I'm happy to say my streak of re-falling in love with my husband is still alive and well. I'm thoroughly enjoying being married to the man I'm married to. I'm so blessed, when one considers what happens to others out there. Which reminds me, (boy, it seems I have a lot to say today!), I'm noticing something about myself that I can't really explain. Whenever I see a couple that seems more "couple-y" than Bo & I, or just extremely happy and in love, I start getting competitive about it, as if we're the only ones that should be that happy! Isn't it ridiculous? Like I like the reputation Bo & I have amongst our friends that we're the "IT" couple that whenever I observe a couple "threatening" our title, I get jealous. It's funny to me. I should be happy for them, instead I'm thinking, gosh, I hope Bo & I still look this cute... it's just one of those things :-)