How Does It Feel?

I want to write this post to remind myself of how everything feels at this moment.

We're slowly moving to our 3rd year and I can hardly believe it.  I think about it and I'm immensely proud of many things.  One that we've waited this long to have kids.  Whenever we used to talk about children before and shortly after engagement, we weren't quite sure we even WANTED children.  We liked the peace and quiet and kind of like the way our lives were.  Also we wanted to wait till we were a bit more financially stable.  That was a big motivation.  Not necessarily until we were "rich" but till the point where either our finances were gaining momentum or we were at a place where we could see our goals in the distance.  It's been really difficult, and really challenging.  A very interesting journey that saw me researching childless marriages, reading books about women who choose never to have children.  It had us discussing Bo's really lack of enthusiasm for actually having kids.  He didn't NOT like it but I don't think he saw himself in that role at all.  I would dip in and out.  Still, now we are at such a glorious place.  I'm really really really pleased we have been able to wait to get to this point.  We've finally paid off all our wedding debts, smoothed out a monthly savings plan, bought a home, things just seem....calm and stable.  And all of a sudden, everything doesn't feel out of place in that regard.  I've dealt with most of my demons about having children, and Bo is just...amazing.  His turnaround is amazing.  He seems to now love kids.  Whenever we enter a room with kids in it his eyes just sort of twinkle and he loves interacting and playing with them.  It's almost like it's a different man.  It's really great watching him grow as an individual.  We couldn't have done it any other way.  We just couldn't have.  This has been the best way for us.

I cherish our time together now.  I look at our wedding mate friends, almost all of whom already have at least one child, and I'm really impressed by how they did it and how they cope with it.  We couldn't have done it, it wouldn't have been right.  We know each other much more deeply than we did before, we're more stable in our love, finances, relationship, it's almost organic that now we're getting to a place where we are very ready for what's next, to introduce another dimension.  The surprise I guess is that it's been organic, and I wouldn't have experienced this feeling if we rushed into things.  I remember watching a Beyonce interview around when she was pregnant, and she said something like..."Everything feels perfect.  Like this is the right time and everything is just falling into place."  I GET that.

Regarding our relationship, our marriage?  I'm most amazed by that.  I'm so extremely pleased to be out of the wedding phase.  Looking back on it now, it was fraught with so much excitement, tension, anxiety...just, newness.  I feel now like my life is back to normal, except I'm a better me.  If that makes any sense.  I look at this fragile thing called marriage in absolute awe.  It's the most precious thing to me and it's almost like I carry it around in my heart/head like an egg.  I'm much much more in love with this man today than I ever was, and it's not even a heart pitter patter type of thing.  More that I love who we are together.  I love the history, the life we're building together.  I love that he's always in my corner.  I love that I see his face everyday, and I know in his heart I'm the most important person to him.  I love the knowing, what he's about, what's he's not into, how his life is woven together.  The slow, undramatic, melting of two lives into one.  That is amazing.  I cherish it so much.

We fight so much, we disagree so much, there's indescribable tension a lot of the times but even all of it is part of our story.  As the days wear on, we forget some of the rules we made for ourselves sometimes, but I'm just really proud that there are basic tenets that make up the fabric of our relationship, so even when things are really bad, we don't emotionally bruise each other with wanton.  I'm proud of that.  I'm proud of us.

Through it all I think I'm most pleasantly surprised firstly that the true "fairytale" doesn't even begin when the credits roll after the wedding.  It begins slowly, un-trumpeted, at least a year later.  You wake up and realize, now, I can REALLY be with this person for all eternity.

I am aware that the gift of this relationship is rare, it is uncommon.  I think we both are.  But shall I tarnish it, or jettison it, or run away, or discredit it for what it is?  That would be unfair.  It is a blessing of God and I am deeply and forever thankful.

Of Brides and Weddings

I hated being a bride.  It's not often that you would see this in print but it's true.  I actually googled "I hate planning my wedding" during wedding planning.  No joke.  It was that bad.  I never thought of myself as a bride growing up, I never even dreamt of it.  In fact, weddings to me where something that happened to other people, like cheerleading.  It just wasn't part of my life plan.  Until I became a fiancee and the inevitable had come.

My wedding and wedding planning were not family love fest.  In fact I felt more abandoned than ever. There were no goos and aaahs with my dress, I went alone to all my fittings.  We talked about flower girls and ring bearers but the truth was that no one in both our families had kids small enough yet old enough to fit the role.  After much wrangling, that idea was jettisoned.  I remember getting dressed and it was me and my two bridesmaids.  That's it.  No aunt knocking on the door, no mothers, sisters, cousins, champagne juice drinking or anything like that.  I had tea.  I only took one picture with my mother actually and that on her way to her to take her seat at the venue because she was 15min late.

Another observation in hindsight was that had I known that the fairytale magazine wedding doesn't happen like that for everyone, or that it WAS possible to actually not enjoy parts of the process, I would have taken the time to do things more to my gut.  I ended up having a long dress, a long veil, etc etc, but if I were able to do a do-over I think I would do things exactly how I wanted to, even if it was a little odd or quirky.  Instead of planning the wedding around whether others would have a good time, I should have planned around whether me and Bo would have a good time.

I'm writing on this reflection simply because I've noticed that 80% of my friends who are getting married or are close to it, are so focused on the wedding, and I understand, but consider that it may not be exactly as you thought.  And like I also advice friends about marriage, with wedding planning, you don't automatically stop being yourself.  You still have the same worries, same sense of humor, same wahala, same anxieties as you did before.  So don't necessarily expect it to be a Cinderella story, do what it is that's right for YOU, everything else will fall into place.

Can I Tell You A Story?

Wow.  I'm so overwhelmed right now.  In these past few months I've made it a mission to go out of my way to talk to women about their relationships, their marriages, their experiences.  Tonight I had one of those deep conversations that just brought everything home to me.  I'm really so overwhelmed and writing  this from a place of just......information overload.

First of all, how do you women do it?

I mean women who cook, clean, take care of the house, take care of the husband, take care of the staff, take care of the career, take of the parents-in-law, take care of the other in-laws, take care of your own parents, take care of friends, take care of siblings....how do you do it ALL???  My God!  Over and over I keep expecting to meet a woman who is like you know what?  My relationship is what's most important, I take care of that and we just kind of find our way around each other.

Then I hear of women who say negative things about their husband to their friends, their mother, aunties, brothers, sisters, cousins.  Or who find it hard to have basic conversations with their husbands.

I'm overwhelmed because I think one, how did I get so lucky, how did God love me so much that I have such a wonderful relationship with my husband without so much drama and/or baggage?  Things just came naturally to us like, ok, never swear to your spouse, always appreciate your spouse, never fight in front of others, never.....blah blah blah.  We just discussed this from the beginning, agreed, and that was that.  While I know we are very lucky us two, I used to think surely this kind of relationship is what others also must work towards.  Now I don't think so.

First, I feel like telling every lady I know, love yourself and be your own woman.  Do not wait for a man to complete you.  Demand for respect and understanding of your person, who you are, your goals, your experiences.  Demand for it and then wait till he shows you with his actions that he gets it.  Start exactly how you mean to go.  If you are not going to be washing dishes and ironing clothes, just don't do it.  Don't.  You don't have to fake it, and don't listen to anyone who says you have to fake it.  It'll only cause problems later on.  Don't behave like a wife before your husband has shown himself to be a man and taken you to your parents saying this is my wife.  Just don't do it.  By don't behave like a wife I mean you are not his family member yet, don't act like you are.  Until he welcomes you into the house formally, be polite to all family members but remain aloof.  Maintain a respectful distance.  If they love you they should tell their family member to make the next step.

I think it's important for a man to be a MAN.  He should be ready and willing to make those tough calls.  Don't make excuses for it.  Take nothing else.  If anyone wants to be with you, he should show himself to be a man first.  And without you pushing or scheming for that.

Equally important, be kind, be thoughtful, be caring, be selfless, be loving.  Be kind.  Believe in your partner, believe in his abilities, compliment him, be his number one cheer leader.

For crying out loud, don't complain or say negative things to people about your husband.  Don't tell any living soul he's useless, he's selfish, he's stubborn.....etc etc.  Don't.  It's not respectful to your husband who's supposed to be the head of the house.  Respect him.  It's so distasteful.  This does not mean don't talk to anyone, but talk about scenarios, talk about circumstances, talk about what your challenges are.  But don't talk out of anger and don't ever ever demean your husband to any body...your mother, your brother, your sister, your father, your uncle.  You're a big girl.  Sort it out!

I'm saying this because I'm just so overwhelmed with what women who have been candid are saying.  The things they do.  I want to yell, please marriage is hard enough without you yourself sabotaging it.  And I'm not writing from a place of being on a high horse.  I hope this isn't misunderstood in that way.  Bo & I argue a lot.  All the time.  I'm willing to tell every and any one this.  My second year of marriage has been extremely challenging as we settle the family and dig down to create real family roots.  So I understand the unique difficulties.  It is out of this I say please, it's hard enough as it is don't sabotage it.

Not all men are bad, not all men are dogs.  Not all men cheat, not all men want housemaids for a wife.  Not all men need to be "trained", not all men need to be mothered.  Not all men want to be tricked or gamed or deceived.  Not all men expect you to be domesticated in the same way.  Don't assume they all do.  Not all marriages are burdensome.  I tell my friends all the time, some people are happy.  Some people are actually happy.  Don't come in defeatist.  You can create a happy environment.  It is possible.

We need to stop sabotaging ourselves.  I've just needed to get this off my chest.

Ladies, chill.

I tried to write....

I tried to write about you

About our love, our friendship

About our journey, about our laughs

And fears, and anxieties

Of epic and not so epic battles

Of the first ebb and flow

Then thousand little ebbs and flows

I tried to write about me

Learning to love

Learning to trust

Speaking up boldly, listening closely,

Apologizing coyly

Figuring out who I am in the midst of change

I tried to write about us

Talking and laughing

Crying and Sighing

Holding on to each other as storms rage

Growing into God’s love as we age

Seating back, making plans

I tried to write about us

But the words weren’t clear enough

The time wasn’t slow enough

The paper wasn’t long enough

My heart wasn’t still enough

So everyday, I write a little more.

Lenten Season

What are you giving up for lent, what are you giving up for Lent?

That's the familiar refrain once Ash Wednesday rolls around. Personally I don't believe in giving up one insignificant and/or random thing in your life. Fasting is a worthwhile "skill" to develop as a Christian. The spiritual effects of denying the body nourishment in order to look to God and depend on God wholly and totally for guidance is a really fulfilling one. It's a worthwhile challenge.

Last year Bo and I decided we were going to take up the challenge after hearing a powerful sermon at our church the week before Lenten season. We were not going to be dogmatic about it but allow ourselves to be changed and challenged. We discussed as a family three prayer points we wanted to bring before God and that were going to be the theme of our prayers. Whenever the hunger pangs get too much or we think we couldn't possibly make it another minute we pray. We supported each other too. So there were times I'd call Bo begging to break our fast, and he'd talk through it with me and we'd continue. There were days either he or I couldn't make it but instead of dwelling on it, we forgave each other and started anew the next day. It was a very tough and difficult exercise but it was one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had. One of the things we were praying about we saw a concrete breakthrough even before the end of the Lenten Season. I knew God had answered our prayers because we did not discuss with anybody and the way that door opened was seemingly completely random. It was awesome. And the blessings and lessons we received during the season lasted us throughout the whole year! As a reason we've been looking forward to this special time. I'm challenged even further to ensure that the purpose in my heart is not things, but to strengthen my walk with God and for both of us to mature in our Christianity.

We're going to try again this year and it's going to be even more awesome. I chose to blog about this and I guess I may have more spiritual posts in the next 7 weeks, because it is important to me to encourage anybody else in this regard.

Day At a Time

I've taken a hiatus from the blog but mostly because I've been busy with work and family. Yes, I know regular excuse. I was not even able to check on my favorite blogs so imagine Bo's confusion when I squealed in excitement for ChiChi's baby and Amy's baby addition! Congratulations to these fabulous new mamas who are a part of my blog community. Your daughters are gorgeous :-)

Nothing much's new in the BoKem household which is just as well. I think I've mentioned here before how rarely we fight or argue which is really a blessing. Also I think we're even more used to each other's nuisances and we respect each other even moreso today than we did when we got married two years ago. So nowadays once we notice tension prone moments we both just slow down and thread carefully in order to diffuse the tension. Initially it was tough to have to will yourself over to your spouse, whom you feel is wrong by the way lol, and do something just to diffuse tension and get things in order. For example it was difficult for me after a tension-filled moment to then go and hug and kiss my hubby and just generally cuddle up to him. I'm getting easier with that. Even if I'm right. Probably it's because we both hate confrontation which works for us!

About baby watch, well, I'm in a GREAT place with that. I LOVE that we haven't rushed things and that we talk about having children and raising them so much these days I'm so glad that we have this time to talk around it. We've talked about spacing our kids, we've talked about education and our desires regarding that, we've talking about family dynamics and encouraging equality and confidence between the children, we've talked about the principles and values we want to build within the family unit, and more. It's been really enlightening and I feel so much that we are within God's plan for us. We're in a really good place regarding this I think. I don't feel much that it is about me, I feel that it is about us. I don't feel rushed or hurried. I don't really stay away from children anymore fearing everyone would look at me thinking "awww..." I'm so very confident that when it's the time for us. It will just fit naturally into our lives. No jamming it in there. There's an incredible sense of peace I have now, that I didn't have even 6 months ago and I thank God for that. I think part of why it's this way is that I've fully accepted who I am, who my husband is, and how we feel. It's okay. We don't gawk or fawn at babies, we're very detached about it sometimes. A friend of ours showed us a picture of a baby and she was so smitten, asking me "look, isn't she so cute". Honestly I felt no heart strings. Neither did my husband. She was a bit shocked. I'm now okay with it. That's just the way God made me!

On another note, I was out to dinner with my Aunt recently and she tutted at me when I suggested the dinner because she asked me "Hope you've prepared dinner for Bo?" I replied that we both had to eat dinner somehow somewhere and Bo is an adult, I don't have to remain hungry until he eats. We like to eat dinner together, and since I do get home before he does I tend to just make dinner for the both of us however our understanding is that we both have a responsibility to each other to ensure that the other party is not starving at the end of the day. My Aunt was appalled! Funny enough, Bo came to pick me up from the restaurant, I asked if he was hungry he said yes and we came home and both in the kitchen made stir-fry. He was glad I stuck around the kitchen. That was that. My aunt didn't understand that it was entirely possible for me to eat and enjoy dinner without bothering myself and worrying and preparing my husband's food first. I think it's important to be open-minded, and light-hearted about these things. Whatever works best for my husband and I and the lifestyle we lead is what I will do. I have no interest in being my husband's mother, he's got a very capable mother! I'm his hot, sexy, interesting, intelligent, funny babe, Ha!

Continuous Learning

Happy New Year to you and yours. Very happy and grateful to God to be alive to witness this new year and I pray that all reading this will be sustained under His grace and mercy throughout this year. Remember to renew your prayer life, He will answer whenever you call. Amen.

The holiday was very relaxing in the BoKem household. Nothing really stressful. We both needed a good mind-numbing vacation and happily sank into the nothingness of the days. By the end of it though, Bo was ready to get back to work (and start making money lol) and I was ready to re-energize and re-focus. As talked about in the last post we have a loose plan for 2012 so we know each other's priorities individually and as a unit. We also sat down during the holidays to do a monthly budget in excel, so there's less tension regarding finances and saving. I'm very big on saving this year, and now with the removal of fuel subsidy, that has become even more imperative.

On to other things, one of my grand prayers when praying about Bo and I is that God should teach us how to love each other the way the other person needs to be loved. Sometimes I just shorten it to Lord teach us how to love each other. I find this is a grand prayer because it just encompasses every single challenge within a relationship, within a marriage. Both parties aren't perfect and will never be, so the remainder 20% that's not what you bargained for you've got to occupy it and love it away. That's really the big challenge. I read in one of Gary Chapman's books where he said he used to always complain about his wife NEVER shutting the drawers/cabinets in the house, which was especially upsetting since he always managed to run into it. After years of complaining about this he just realized that, well, his wife may NEVER change and if he was going to lead a happy (injury-free) life, he's going to have to learn to shut drawers/cabinets all over the house. I always remember this story because I believe it's a great attitude to have about many things, especially within a marriage. Bo is an incredible neat freak, which is great, but for some reason he never puts empty water bottles in the bin, he always leaves them hanging about the kitchen sink. This used to bother me until I just said to myself, well, he may NEVER change this so I'm going to have to resign myself to putting empty water bottles in the garbage. That's my job. I'm going to be okay with that :-)

This morning Bo says to me, I know you've been planning your birthday Asia trip for a while now, but I was looking at my calendar for work and noticed that your birth month is strategy month at work so I won't be able to take any trips during that month. See, this is where everything I've been writing on this blogpost comes together: my prayer that God teaches us each how to love each other, and Gary's advice to resign yourself to fill in the 20% that bothers you. My husband works in a very demanding industry and moreso he LOVES his job so working is something that fulfills him and I get and respect that. But I also don't desire to move my birthday trip because of his work. I told him this morning that I'd have to go by myself then or with a couple of girlfriends if they can swing it. This is obviously not what I want but while I truly understand his desire to be at work I also feel strongly about taking this trip during my birthday month not a month or two after. I'm not sure this is the best decision yet, so therefore this morning I'm humming my golden prayer in my head over and over, "God please teach me (us) how to love each other the way we need to be loved! Teach me (us) what I should do or say in this situation."

We'll see how it goes!