Cry Cry Baby

Very short post.

I just absolutely cried after reading this blog post from Jessica over at From Marriage to Motherhood. Especially the last line:

To my husband, whom I adore: "My greatest good fortune in a life of brilliant experiences has been to find you and to lead my life with you" - Winston Churchill

I don't know, the tears just started to flow. And not the nice, cute tears, but the big ugly face tears. I'm very hormonal right now (Aunt Flo) but still at the same time I read that and I feel so fortunate to actually be able to nod my head and know what she's talking about. In case I haven't said it nearly enough times, or in case I've somehow made it all trivial, let me say it again. My husband is the best human being I know. Not the best man, but human, that I know. He gives meaning to my life and I truly only bask in his love for me. Whenever I pray about him, I say, "well, God, you know your son...." because indeed Bo is a kind, thoughtful, generous, God-fearing, helpful, honest, hardworking, good man. Not just to me. To everybody.

Some day, years from now by the magnificent grace of God, we will hold hands and I will tell you exactly the words above. Till then, I will keep it in my heart, and every time I lift my face to yours, it will be written all over it. Till then, it will be like an unspoken promise between you and I, it will be our covenant.

Thank you God for this wonderful journey.

Weekend Bliss

I had such a fantastic weekend. The hubs and I pretty much just lazied about, visited with a few friends, and generally we were relaxed the entire weekend. We're both quite tired during the week and quite busy during the weekend running errands so it was really lovely just doping around.

As I lamented in an earlier post, we haven't had a cleaner for a few months now and even though we tried cleaning the flat ourselves, I have to admit it just wasn't working. A few weeks ago we got a referral for a cleaning lady from a friend and tried her out last week. Not as phenomenal as our previous one but she was really nice and eager, and cleaned adequately well. We usually want the cleaner to come on Sundays however she was unavailable and wanted to come saturday morning at 6am. I was skeptical about this because of the early start to the day when I could be cuddling with my hubby, but trying it out this saturday I think it could just work out. Bo & I woke up at 6am to let her in, then laid in bed for another hour and a half. About 7:30 we got up and decided to watch a movie together on the couch. At about 10am, Bo decides he wants to take a nap and I decide to read, and we did this until about 1pm. A friend of ours who recently got married decided to pay us a visit so that was fun. They left at around 5 pm. Bo & I did a little bible study till about 6pm then went out to look for food. It was just blessed and glorious. Bo has been so emotional lately (I joke around that he also has hormonal issues, :-) ) so all throughout the weekend he would just randomly look at me, shake his head, and say he can't believe he's so lucky to have me as a wife. He did this SEVERAL times this weekend and I just basked in it all. I love it when he gets emotional about me, lol. One thing that I've found is that when he expresses his feelings that way, it just makes me love him more, no matter whether we're in a relationship ebb or flow. Sometimes I feel that we're in our own cocoon, in our own world that we made up and everything makes sense. To others it may seem weird that a couple who's been together for 4 years, now married, will still seat across the table at a restaurant and make googly eyes at each other, still hold hands everywhere, still act goofy around each other, still go EVERYWHERE with each other, but that's our world. We built it how we want to live in it.

This lenten season, Bolaji & I have decided to fast for the entire season. Well, we're doing a 3 days on and 1 day off thing, from 6am to 6pm. At the beginning of the season we decided 3 things we want to be specifically prayerful about and for the entire period we are even more than usual, committed to reading the word, meditating on it, and praying to God. The first Sunday of Lent, the church service talked about lenten season being one of transfiguration. I truly claim this. It's been very challenging and we've both never fasted this consistently or for this long ever so we're also learning a lot about our bodies, etc. However, I can't emphasize enough how much we're are learning about faith, and spiritual growth during this process. It's really drawn us together and we have a sincerity of purpose. Lastly, almost like magic, they things we've been praying for and about have just been coming true, unraveling one by one. This is amazing. I'm so grateful and glad that we are experiencing this together. Bolaji has even said he wants us to start fasting regularly in our lives. This process has been that good to us.

Baby Watch: While driving back from a friend's house yesterday I say to Bo, "so, I think my baby fever is definitely here..." and then I trail off. He says nothing. I asked him if he had any thoughts to what I said. He says "I always knew you would get here before me, anyway, I'm still fine with our timeline if that's what you're asking". So funny! We have a mini competition going on amongst ourselves as to who's going to break first, that is, who's going to absolutely must have a baby now, before the other. He thinks he has won, but he's got another thing coming!

Anniversary Countdown: Our first year anniversary is coming up (very) soon and I've been trying to organize my gift for Bo. The first year anniversary is supposed to be a "paper" anniversary and I've got a few ideas, but please kindly share any ideas you may have.

You Wouldn't Understand

I hear this a lot more than I should. it's no secret that I went through a lot from the moment I got engaged, to the moment I actually walked down the aisle. Even up till now. I was not prepared for how much your relationships change, and this has implications for all your family and friends.

Though I was never a wedding-y type of person, I just always thought that weddings were times that families come together and love really is the order of the day. Let's just say I was very much caught off guard when it turned out that the phase when this great event was happening in my life, was also when my entire life went topsy-turvy. In the interest of not ranting on and on, I'm just writing this post on one of the aspects of my life that changed when Bo put a ring on it.

Maybe out of my naiveté also, I always read about the divide between single friends and the married lady, but for sure I thought that was something that only happened to people with strange friendships anyway. In my mind, I saw and really intuitively still see no reason why one's marital status should change the relationship between girlfriends. Either way, I resolved that I wouldn't be one of those married women who all of a sudden transform themselves into this weird creature called wife, and decide they are suddenly too good for their single girlfriends. To me, that's just ludicrous. I expected my relationships to stay the same. Then it started. I would just be chatting with a girlfriend, and they'd just dismiss whatever it is I had to say and exclaim, "well, you wouldn't understand you're married," or they'd be talking about how good men are hard to find in Nigeria and before I'd even say anything I'd hear, "Kemi, we're not talking to you, you wouldn't understand". What? Why wouldn't I understand? Did I just drop from the sky? Or was I born married? Or is it not just yesterday that I even married. It's not even like I've been married for years. This irks and bothers me to no end.

Though I never say anything.

I just keep quiet. It's a bit of a catch-22, yes I am married but I'm not going to make excuses for being married. It shouldn't matter. I firmly believe this and have proof. My best friend/MOH is nowhere near being married. She does not have a boyfriend in fact. She hasn't had one for years. Yet, she and I can talk for HOURS about everything in our lives. I can tell her about baby obsession and she can tell me about signing up for an online dating service and we laugh and laugh at the crazy things. I value her friendship so much because she's never once said to me, "you wouldn't understand, you're married". Unfortunately, she's the only one. The truth is of course I understand. Trust me, I can never forget how lucky I am to have the good man that I have. I can't forget it because I remember all too well what it's like to feel like someone's playing you, or someone's being untrue, or someone's just being a general jerk, or just generally feeling lonely. They are like badges that I've collected and pinned on my shirt. I feel like if I say I truly believe someone's too young to get married, well, that's how I feel. That's how I've always felt. Yes I'm married now, but my feelings are still valid. Right? Like if someone (who's already a mother) says to me, Kemi, you guys are newlyweds, enjoy your marriage before you bring a child into it, I'm not going to discount what they're saying and say well, "you wouldn't understand, you're a mother". This just really bothers me. I mean I have friends who have children, I don't stop talking to them, or dismiss whatever they have to say because they have children. Even if their entire day is consumed with washing onesies, sterilizing baby stuff, and pumping breastmilk, things I can never claim to understand right now. Sometimes I feel like some ladies have in their heads that when you get married, they usher you into a room, wipe your brain completely CLEAN, then hand you an apron and a broom and then release you into the world. This is not the case.

If you think like this. Stop it.

I mean, if we put the shoe on the other foot, it'll be clearer to see that this is just unfair. I never say to anybody, you wouldn't understand because you're not married. I could, oh, how I could. But I don't. I don't because it's annoying. I could say to single lady friend, "gosh, I'm so tired from having to work all day then come home and cook, but nevermind, you wouldn't understand you're single." Or any other combination therein. I don't believe that we all have to be in the same phase to understand and appreciate where the other person is coming from. Especially in this case where I've been single for twenty-something years of my life and married for not even 1 year! Just those numbers would suggest that I know a lot more about being single than about being married.

It's sad but I've started to think to myself, maybe I DO need to change the balance of my friendships to just married people. Maybe this is just one of my lala pipe dreams that reality intrudes upon. At least with my married friends, it's less drama, I'm allowed to have opinions, especially on BOTH single and married things, plus there's the maturity that comes with crossing the chasm into being a married lady.

Maybe.

I'd just like to put my thoughts out there. Yes, marriage changes how you look at life. It does. But it doesn't change life itself. After everyone's eaten the cake and danced to the band, you have the ring, you're the lady of the house. The next morning, it's Monday, and there you are. Life continues.

List Found!

Bo and I were rummaging through my bags (I've still not unpacked all my bags into my now marital home) and we came across a booklet I had a few years ago, just before I met Bolaji. So we opened the notepad up and on that first page there was the list to the birthday party I was planning, also on that page at the bottom were several signatures. My signatures. Signed with the name of the gentleman who for some reason I was so sure I was going to marry. But still that's not what this blogpost is about. Smack dab in the center of the page was my "list." I've spoken about my list, the list of qualities I would like in a man that I wrote down basically because Dr. Phil told me to (in his book). I was so embarrassed the minute I realized what it was and Bo's question of what it was came. I told him what it was and as he went down the list for some reason he kept on repeating "4 years older??? 4 years older?" I'm not sure why out of everything on the list, this is what stood out to him. Here's my list:

1. Honest
2. Thoughtful
3. Kind
4. Ambitious
5. Sexy Smile
6. Spiritual
7. Not prone to arguments
8. Witty
9. Doest take himself too seriously
10. Non-judgemental
11. Mature
12. At least 4 years older
13. Successful
14. Exposure (exposed)
15. Not quick blooded, thinks rationally
16. Self-control

So that was the list. It was very interesting to go over the list and realize that my hubby actually possesses almost every single quality on this list. How did this happen? I'm not quite sure but I know for sure I got incredibly lucky. Later that day we were in the car when I asked him, how come out of everything on the list the age thing is what got his goat? He tells me that he always thought he would have to marry someone either his age or older than him, he says he never thought in a million years he was going to marry someone younger than him. In his mind then such a person would be quite "young" and immature and he was very much not into that. He didn't say much about anything else on the list. When he read, "sexy smile," he gave me a big smile and I said "you're very silly." :-)

Any baby watch update? Well, we spent the evening yesterday with my parents-in-law and some of Bo's cousins, one of which just had a beautiful baby girl. She's 7 months old. These situations just always make me feel so self-conscious because I feel that everyone's looking to us and thinking "aww, they want one" or "aww, when will you guys hurry up and make babies?" So to compensate for this I tend to not carry any babies when the parents (mine and his) are around. I don't play with the babies or anything, I just make a few comments and get on my blackberry so nobody gets any ideas. Imagine then that I had to raise an eyebrow this morning when Bolaji was getting dressed and says to me, casually might I add, "Guess what I was thinking yesterday?" He then tells me that he was thinking it would be "cool" to have a baby. After making a mental note to limit our interactions with babies in general because it obviously makes my hubby go soft :-), I tell him that from my point of view all babies are cute. It's a fact of life. What's not cute is the story his cousin was telling us of how said baby recently changed sleeping patterns and now keeps them up till 2:30 in the morning by jabbing their noses etc. Bolaji sighs, and says "oh yea, that's not cool." I think I've bought myself more time, score! This is how it is now in the BoKem household. I'm truly wondering how long it will be before we cave. Have I mentioned that I'm thoroughly enjoying this phase of our lives together? Because I do.

Cut Me Some Slack

Those where the words Bo said to me a while ago. We were having an argument....ahem discussion (lol) about something or the other, and he says, "come on, cut me some slack here, I'm trying my best." While I didn't say anything right there and then those words echoed and stayed with me.

Cut. Me. Some. Slack.

I think sometimes when we are in a relationship and so familiar with each other, we want them to be so many things to us, sometimes we forget that it takes quite a bit of effort to try and please someone else. That's how I translate this. It made me open my eyes and look to my hubby with eyes of compassion and understanding. Now it's like a mantra I run in my head all the time. I'm this man's wife, the person he's pledged his life to, the person he works extremely hard to make sure she's comfortable, if all he requests is just a little "slack", then I can learn to give him that. This has had many implications for us. Right now, Bo is involved in a few pretty big projects and he's either always on some conference call, or he has some documents he has to hand in to his partners. This gets frustrating sometimes but where previously I would have launched into a speech about how our relationship is just as important or more important than ANY other thing he could possibly come across and deserves just as much time, nowadays, I really make an effort to be more supportive and caring. I choose to see things from his point of view.

It's not that I've given up my relationship nazi role :-) I haven't. I'm still committed to this. It's just now I want to be the wife who gives her hubby a break every now and then. Life is not so much a race. It's to be enjoyed. And this is my partner. I'm the girl in his corner. Always.

I'm not even sure Bo has noticed this, but I've noticed this. I'm a bit less tense and a lot happier. I've mentioned that somehow, and I thank God for the opportunities coming our way, the last few months have been extremely busy for both of us. We are really working hard. I think it's with the realization that we want our family to be financially stable. We both want to be successful people and we have that understanding that right now, right now, is the time to lay that foundation. With all this happening, it can be really challenging to stay as connected as we would want. However what I love the most about myself and my hubby is that we are truly BFFs. It seems to balance us. I'm starting to get that having a hubby who showers me with love and kisses and affection, works hard to bring home the bacon, supports me (to the max!) while I'm working to bring home the bacon, and we are always never too busy to share a laugh, is a magnificent and wonderful thing.

It's like this stage in our marriage we are actually truly becoming one. It's beautiful.

So yes, I think the lesson or realization for me a this stage is, it's okay to cut hubby some slack, but it's also okay to cut myself some slack. Just live and enjoy each other's company for another gracious day we have together.

On another note: I have to forewarn that baby fever is rising in the BoKem household. I foresee that a lot of future posts will be about the oscillation between having a baby and not having a baby, and the excitement about the possibilities of even being at a stage where I'm truly considering being a mother. So I apologize in advance. I can't help it. :-)

In a weird mood

I’m in a very strange mood this evening. Quite a few things going on in my life and sometimes it’s just so difficult to take the time out and just breathe a little bit. I’m a feeling a bit distant from my hubby right now but I think it’s just one of those ebb and flow things and things will flow back around. Sometimes when I’m really busy with work and he’s really busy with work, I just feel that it gets so easy to just not pay attention to each other or be romantic with each other. Last week I had to take a quick trip to London for a training program and wasn’t really looking forward to being away from home but when we got to the airport I had to do a bit of running around to upgrade my flight to first and the minute I came back down, my hubby sighs and says “Kemi, I can’t wait for you to this running around I’ve got to go do some work on project X” I think I got really upset and that must have jump started the distant phase I think we’re currently in. It’s not like we’re fighting or angry at each other, it’s just very blah right now J It happens that way.

While in this not-so-hot phase, I’ve also been thinking about so many things. A few weeks ago, I opened my eyes and rested my head on Bo’s shoulder like I usually do on weekends. Only this time my boo says ever so casually, “I want us to start a family soon, like really soon.” So we proceed to talk about it and we actually settled on a timeline and a start date for us to begin TTC (trying to conceive). All of a sudden it began to feel so real to me. The timeline if you’d like to know is not so far from now. Don’t worry it’s not in the next few months so no countdowns yet as such, but my, it’s quite close. This threw up a few things on my part, I’m not sure I’m ready to have kids. I’m not sure I’ll ever want them really. Then I think okay, I’d want one but that’s only it, ONE. Somehow I don’t think that’s possible. Sometimes I feel like I’m being bullied into this whole phase of my life with both nature and family tying the noose around my neck. I think about it and I get heart palpitations. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person that feels like that, aren’t I supposed to be all maternal and baby-craving at this stage? I’m starting to fear that I’m really not and it scares me to even think what that means.

Moving on to Valentine’s Day (I just remembered I haven’t posted since that long), mine was good but still normal. I have to confess I’m not that into Valentine’s Day as such. I love when hubby makes me feel special but I just don’t necessarily plug in into that whole scene. However my boo made it quite special for me and sent me something in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening, then he cooked me dinner and we had a very lovely time afterwards, wink, wink. I was really impressed, with Bo’s planning that is, and finally had just a little bit of an idea what the fuss was all about!

Questions & Answers

I wanted to wait until I received 10 questions but I'm not sure I'm going to get there so without further ado, here are the six questions and my rather long-winded answers (WARNING - probably the longest post ever). By the way, the questions were so good I had to share some with hubby.

Your blog is based upon your relationship/marriage with Bolaji. I'm curious, did you get everything you wanted in a mate and if no, what three things weren't included in the package and how do you deal with not having them?

Wow, this is a good question. So good I had to discuss it with Bo this morning while he was in the shower. I am very vocal about telling anyone who cares to listen that I did NOT get everything I wanted in a mate in Bo. I talked about it a bit in this post here. I loosely believe in the 80/20 rule when it comes to this. No one is going to get everything they want but list all the things that are important to you and if the guy has 80% of it, the remaining 20% challenges you to love the person you’ve got wholly. After all no one’s perfect; not you, not me.

If I were to name the things that weren’t included (and it was hard for me to think up), I’ll lump them into Physical, Gift-giving/Celebratory, Romantic. The last two and three are very related because I couldn’t think up a third. Physically - Bo was not the type I would go for, at all. He’s a completely different build and height; Gift-giving/Celebratory – I love to celebrate every little thing that can be celebrated. I love birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries and even St. Patrick’s Day. I love it all. Bo is very much NOT like that. For example, I don’t think he’s EVER given me a card and I don’t think it even crosses his mind lol, on ANY occasion. Which leads to Romance – I think my husband is romantic but in a natural kind of way. Once he came to pick me up at the airport with roses, i.e at Murtala International Airport. So that was pretty romantic. And he does our “thousand kisses” ritual. But romance in that over the top gesture mixed with surprise etc., very much not my guy.

How do I deal with it? With the physical I’ve pretty much just gotten over it and I’m so attracted to him now because he’s no longer a spec but this wonderful person I know. I LOVE that I love this man now and learnt to love him from the inside out. He’s beautiful and perfect to me now. The gift-giving/Celebratory, well, let’s just say I drop hints when I can and when I can’t I try to fulfill my own expectations. So if I want something special I plan something special and not wait for him to do it. This is a work in progress I must confess. I should add also that Bo has been trying to meet my expectations here and that is very sweet also.

I wanted to know, so when you and your husband started dating, were you both at the same level spiritually in your walk with Christ? And at what point did you know he was the one you wanted to marry and same for him? Also, in your dating days, how did you pray about your relationship?

This is a tough question. I think most importantly we both wanted a closer relationship with God and yearned to be better Christians. When we were dating Bo mentioned that he'd had questions in the past about the existence of God, the point of religion etc. and at those points would maybe have described himself as atheist or something like that. I admit I've never had questions to that extent. All through my life God was just there, was God, and He has always been a part of my life. Of course there came I time I had to define my beliefs for myself and establish a personal relationship but I don't think I completely disconnected as maybe Bo did at that time. However unquestionably, my hubby knows more about God's word, i.e the Bible than I do. Unquestionably. Bo can quote fluently from the Bible and knows the stories and characters in the Bible. He does this better than most people I've met. I think we're a good match in the sense that I believe I'm more spiritually in-tune and more adept at communicating with God but He's better at the follow-through. So for example this morning I said Bo I think we need to spend more time in God's word, I feel a distance in our spiritual life and he says ok, we have to start daily meditation again, let's pick a specific time and commit to this. So without him I might have just felt the distance, prayed one or two times and lapsed again and without me he may just never even feel the distance. So we're more of a team now.

I knew he was the one I wanted to marry when one day my brother had to take an exam he had been studying for for quite some time. It was important. We had just started dating and I think I mentioned this exam just once to Bo months before. On the day of the exam he calls me to ask if I'd spoken to my brother and how the exam went. I was impressed at his thoughtfulness. That day I went home and started thinking, wait a minute, this man has everything I say I want in a companion/partner. I knew that day. I think if you would ask him he would probably say when I got a job transfer to the states and he knew he didn't want to be without me.

Honestly, I can't remember how I prayed about the relationship. I think I prayed mostly for God to prepare me, that if this was my husband, that I can be what he needs me to be and he can be what I need him to be. The day I finally said yes to him being my boyfriend I remember vividly going into the bathroom of the restaurant we were in, and saying to God, "okay, okay, okay, I hear You loud and clear. I'm going to jump in wholly now, with no safety net but You have to guide me oh, I'm only going to follow your leading." Then I called my Mom and asked her to pray for me and for us.

How did you and Bo meet (you don't have to give specifics that will reveal your identity - a general answer like a friend introduced us would work too)? How old were you when you got married? What do you and your hubby do to keep your marriage fresh and spicy?

Bo and I met at Newscafe, we were in a group of friends.

As for age, well, let's just say I'm still in my twenties and I've been married for almost a year now ;-)

Well, we have date night once a week where no phones are allowed and we are not to hang out with other people. Just the two of us. We also take trips together often. Not big deal holidays but mini-vacation trips. We could just go to IITA in Ibadan, or Kaduna, or Ekiti, or Enugu, for the weekend. Or we go to an African country close by that we discover all by ourselves. Another thing is communication. We talk and talk about everything. I mean everything. If a large mosquito bit me I would probably tell my husband about it. Everyday in Lagos brings something new so the conversation is never stale. Lastly, I mentioned before that I keep a book of sex tips by my bedside cabinet and we actually do them! No matter how outrageous. We go shopping for lingerie every so often, we look out for and try new positions (many times giggling and laughing out loud at how ridiculous we feel lol), introduce warming gels etc. The sky's the limit, we just have fun with it.

You mentioned you had fertility issues, what is it and how are you and Bo coping with it.

Hmm, I really really really want to talk about this because I feel that women aren't open enough on this matters. I think one day I may share more on this but for now my advice to anyone is that almost nobody is "barren" for no reason. I use barren because it's the harsh term most people use around these parts. Usually there's a reason for one not being able to conceive. I would say check your hormones, check your thyroids, go and see BOTH an endocrinologist and a gynecologist. If you're trying to conceive have your husband do a count as well.

My story's quite unusual in that I most definitely was not trying to conceive and wouldn't have even known anything in particular was wrong. However, I randomly had a dream one day where I was in a fertility clinic. It was completely random and the dream was more than that but I won't go into details. The next morning I went to the doctors and asked them to check me out. I had had thryoid issues in the past and from there the doctor checked a lot of things and turns out I had a condition similar to (but not) PCOS - polycystic ovaries syndrome. It's quite "easy" to fix, requiring me to take a pill a day until I have my first child at which point it may correct itself or not and I'd have to essentially take the pill everyday until I hit menopause. Bo is extremely supportive. At this point we don't know how difficult it will be unless we start trying and we have not started trying so no point worrying about it. However it has brought baby-having timelines into focus. It's not something we think about often honestly. I think this is mostly because we're not terribly baby-crazed people.

Why so secrective? I just don't get the authenticity of your blog? are you living vicariously through it? I think yes we or I an relate to some of your post but then again I'm like is this person REALLY being honest? why do you have this blog if you can't reveal your identity? Why is it a secret? Post pics and live a free life...

This question, every time I read it, makes me smile. I don't know how to put it but I just want to be honest on this blog, really honest about the good and heartwarming things and the not-so-good and unpleasant things. It's not about me the person but about my experiences. I censored myself so I wouldn't censor the experiences.

I think I'm flattered that anyone would think I'm living vicariously through my blog. I even mentioned this question to Bo. I'm blessed that I have a great relationship. Believe me I thank God every single day for this amazing gift. I think I've done a decent job of posting both the good things and the bad things and the unpopular things. Sometimes even I want to pinch myself, "how did I get here with this wonderful man", I'm convinced it's a blessing from God. I understand that it would be easy to believe that this relationship and our experiences as I blog about them don't exist, but what can I say, they do.

How many people do you think know about you in connection with your blog (except Bo of course!)?

Is there any pressure from your extended families yet about babies?

I'm not sure but I don't think I want to know. I'm sure a few know but no one has said anything to me at this point which is the way I'd like to keep it. Most times I don't think about it at all.

Yes. There's a lot of pressure from one of the potential grandparents. Bo and I now have a standard answer for anyone who asks, "within the next year or two by God's grace, God's time is the best". After we say this we nod and say yes we understand to everything else they say. We both agree that this is something we will do on our schedule alone, God willing, and no other person's.

Thank you for all questions. It has been interesting and insightful answering them.