Thursday, August 30, 2012

How Does It Feel?

Thursday, August 30, 2012
I want to write this post to remind myself of how everything feels at this moment.

We're slowly moving to our 3rd year and I can hardly believe it.  I think about it and I'm immensely proud of many things.  One that we've waited this long to have kids.  Whenever we used to talk about children before and shortly after engagement, we weren't quite sure we even WANTED children.  We liked the peace and quiet and kind of like the way our lives were.  Also we wanted to wait till we were a bit more financially stable.  That was a big motivation.  Not necessarily until we were "rich" but till the point where either our finances were gaining momentum or we were at a place where we could see our goals in the distance.  It's been really difficult, and really challenging.  A very interesting journey that saw me researching childless marriages, reading books about women who choose never to have children.  It had us discussing Bo's really lack of enthusiasm for actually having kids.  He didn't NOT like it but I don't think he saw himself in that role at all.  I would dip in and out.  Still, now we are at such a glorious place.  I'm really really really pleased we have been able to wait to get to this point.  We've finally paid off all our wedding debts, smoothed out a monthly savings plan, bought a home, things just seem....calm and stable.  And all of a sudden, everything doesn't feel out of place in that regard.  I've dealt with most of my demons about having children, and Bo is just...amazing.  His turnaround is amazing.  He seems to now love kids.  Whenever we enter a room with kids in it his eyes just sort of twinkle and he loves interacting and playing with them.  It's almost like it's a different man.  It's really great watching him grow as an individual.  We couldn't have done it any other way.  We just couldn't have.  This has been the best way for us.

I cherish our time together now.  I look at our wedding mate friends, almost all of whom already have at least one child, and I'm really impressed by how they did it and how they cope with it.  We couldn't have done it, it wouldn't have been right.  We know each other much more deeply than we did before, we're more stable in our love, finances, relationship, it's almost organic that now we're getting to a place where we are very ready for what's next, to introduce another dimension.  The surprise I guess is that it's been organic, and I wouldn't have experienced this feeling if we rushed into things.  I remember watching a Beyonce interview around when she was pregnant, and she said something like..."Everything feels perfect.  Like this is the right time and everything is just falling into place."  I GET that.

Regarding our relationship, our marriage?  I'm most amazed by that.  I'm so extremely pleased to be out of the wedding phase.  Looking back on it now, it was fraught with so much excitement, tension, anxiety...just, newness.  I feel now like my life is back to normal, except I'm a better me.  If that makes any sense.  I look at this fragile thing called marriage in absolute awe.  It's the most precious thing to me and it's almost like I carry it around in my heart/head like an egg.  I'm much much more in love with this man today than I ever was, and it's not even a heart pitter patter type of thing.  More that I love who we are together.  I love the history, the life we're building together.  I love that he's always in my corner.  I love that I see his face everyday, and I know in his heart I'm the most important person to him.  I love the knowing, what he's about, what's he's not into, how his life is woven together.  The slow, undramatic, melting of two lives into one.  That is amazing.  I cherish it so much.

We fight so much, we disagree so much, there's indescribable tension a lot of the times but even all of it is part of our story.  As the days wear on, we forget some of the rules we made for ourselves sometimes, but I'm just really proud that there are basic tenets that make up the fabric of our relationship, so even when things are really bad, we don't emotionally bruise each other with wanton.  I'm proud of that.  I'm proud of us.

Through it all I think I'm most pleasantly surprised firstly that the true "fairytale" doesn't even begin when the credits roll after the wedding.  It begins slowly, un-trumpeted, at least a year later.  You wake up and realize, now, I can REALLY be with this person for all eternity.

I am aware that the gift of this relationship is rare, it is uncommon.  I think we both are.  But shall I tarnish it, or jettison it, or run away, or discredit it for what it is?  That would be unfair.  It is a blessing of God and I am deeply and forever thankful.

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