Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Honestly...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009
This love business is not as easy as it looks. Forget everything you've been told about love and marriage and all this wedding business. Seriously just forget it. I can say truly, hand on my chest, that I have the best man out there: thoughtful, gentle, kind, loving, honest, responsible, ambitious, everything. But somehow things still go wrong and you realize...hmmm, everything is not what it seems.

So I've hated the whole wedding planning thing from the get-go. There's actually not much of it that I liked. The hassle just seemed a bit too much with too much emphasis placed not on the beauty of the moment, the beauty of commitment but satisfying and placating different egos then culminating in creating an event to be remembered and loved by all. I understand why other women would enjoy this, but I've just absolutely despised it from day one. But I had no choice so I hunkered down and focused. My white wedding is a destination one, somewhere that Bolaji and I absolutely adore and because not everyone would be able to come with us there, we decided to also do an engagement ceremony here in Lagos. This process has been a nightmare. Bolaji's parents while having their own charm can be very difficult and one-sided. Then of course some of my family members, whom I've never been close to and don't really know, want to use the opportunity to flex their muscles in my life.

My introduction ceremony was supposed to take place on the 2oth of December but after many back and forths, and tears, and demands, and Bolaji and I decided to take a stand. All the drama and stress is truly affecting our relationship and what is meant to be the happiest times of any individual's life. For us it has turned into a nightmare. An actual nightmare. So both of us sat down and decided to talk to each other about what is important to us. We have decided to cancel the engagement ceremony in its entirety and we agreed not to participate in the introduction ceremony even though we are both in town. I've been told by my cousin that the introduction did take place but he was just there briefly so I still don't know what occurred there and both sets of parents have not called us and have refused to answer their phones. So at this stage I think we're at an impasse.

I want out of this process so badly. The one thing that has stayed strong during these trying times is our love and respect for each other. Last night, Bolaji whispered in my ear, "I can't wait to make it official, to call you my wife, I want to make you happy and I'll spend the rest of my life making you happy". Stuff like this always puts things in perspective for me. This stage in my life is not about the ceremonies, its not even about families, or parents, or anything. It's about me and my him, about the journey we're about to enter into willingly, about the family we're going to create, about having someone to witness your life with you. In our Nigerian culture, there's over emphasis on the outside while the two people on the inside suffer miserably. Mummy and Daddy, and Uncle and Aunt as great as they are, CANNOT make your marriage (but best believe they can break it).

So...

The Saga Continues....(countdown to white wedding and when all this will be over!)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Ghosts of Days Past

Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I just had to blog about this.

So my ex got married recently. I'm connected to him on facebook and that's how I found out he was getting married and that's how I found link to his pics on my homepage. I flicked through the pictures and they were indeed quite beautiful. Both he and his bride looked beautiful, and happy, and content. What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of strong emotions that washed over me as I flicked through those pictures. I got a full sense of life and living and how strange it all is. Let me explain.

I met Femi when I was 18. I was a freshman in college and he was the cousin of one of my closest friends. We actually met ourselves online and then it progressed to MSN Messenger, then it progressed to phone calls, to late night marathon 5hr phone calls, to visits, etc. You get the point. We did not start dating until I was 21 and then we were together for 3 years. Femi was my absolute best friend and he was the man I grew up with. We were REALLY REALLY close and he was everything any girl would want. Very attentive, very affectionate, very thoughtful, VERY romantic, very protective, great listener, always said sorry at the right time, believed in my goals etc. I mean if you can imagine talking on the phone for about 4hrs each night (at least) for 6 years, then you can understand how close we were. Whenever we saw each other it was never enough. Then a funny thing happened. Femi is 6 years older than me and by the time I turned 23, he was turning 29, and he was so ready to get married. He was always a one-woman, monogamist kinda guy and he was ready to just settle down and build a family with the woman he loved. So on a beautiful evening, after dinner, Femi proposed to me. Red petals, live singer, and a beautiful ring in a champagne flute. I hugged him and we kissed and laughed but when we got home I sat him down and told him my answer was no. I wasn't ready to get married, I was still young, I had so much I wanted to do career wise, etc, and I just felt it was the age difference that was pushing him. So I told him I didn't think it was the right time. Femi took it in stride but it was only as our days continued that I started to realize things had changed for us. Looking back on it now, I know he was hurt deeply, as of course it would have been normal for him to feel. But I honestly, honestly was too young and mature to even know or understand what was going on really. We started to fight. Femi and I in the ENTIRE course of our relationship never really fought, yea we had disagreements but they were almost always resolved within minutes. But after the proposal we started to fight. Like real, blown-out fight. The last one I remember is one where we actually shouted at each other. He hung up, I hung up. Usually he would have called back within seconds but that time, nothing. Soon after we broke up.

It really was a hard break up, the kind where you sever all ties. Until just before Bolaji. He called and told me about his new girlfriend. He told me she was moving to the States to be with him. He told me it was getting serious. I just listened. A little while later he called again, said he was coming to the city I was in and he wanted to see me. We talked for a while on this phone call, about the old times, about my mistake and how I was young and basically that I wanted him back. I told him not to marry his girlfriend. I begged him not to propose. He said we'll see, we have to talk and he wants to see me when he comes. As fate would have it, on his trip we missed each other entirely, he lost his phone with my number, I lost his contact details (long story) and we missed each other until a few hours before his trip back. We ran into each other, embraced for a while and again reminisced about us wistfully. He told me point blank he was moving to Europe for a while and if we are to work, I'd have to consider moving there. He was rushing off and that's where we left it. I met Bolaji soon after and life swept me off in different directions. Truth be told, I was scared about making that last move to Femi and Bolaji became the right distraction at the right time (in the beginning).

So last year when Femi added me on facebook, I accepted. And then I saw that he was getting married soon. I took in a tight breath but steeled myself. I even sent him a congratulatory message.

But yesterday, he posted the link to his wedding pictures. I saw it and it all came back in a funny way. I have absolutely no doubts of my love for Bolaji, absolutely no doubts that he is my husband and my future, he is my soulmate and my heart. But I saw those pics and they did something to me. Femi was a good guy to me. He was loving, kind, and he was good to me. He still looks exactly like the guy who loved me and would move the earth for me. He still looked like the guy I would call and talk to every night for 6 years. He looked the same. but he was different.

I'm different.

Life's funny that way. Wherever Femi and his bride are I wish them the very best of life, love, laughter, and happiness. Even if he is half as good to her as he was to me, they'd be solid for ever, and if she's makes half an effort more than I did then they'd be perfect forever. I pray God heals me completely, fully, from the feeling of wistfulness and loss, and mistake, more than I had thought he had before.

I had to share this here so it would be therapeutic for me. Don't worry I've already spoken to my babe about this!!! :-) I'm gonna blog more and soon about the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life recently. I can't wait till December 2010 oh, I've told my babe, he and I are gonna celebrate passing through this very exciting but chaotic time in our lives.

Oh, and three more months till my engagement, so let the countdown begin! By the way anyone have ideas as to what I should be doing? I haven't done anything yet for this engagement that's happening o...thanks for all your help!

Monday, October 19, 2009

10 Facts About My Beloved

Monday, October 19, 2009
Just like my blog is devoted to the king of my heart, my beau, my boo, my sweetheart, my love, this little post is also devoted to Bolaji. I have never ever been more sure of anything as I'm so sure that you are my man, my partner, the own whom God created for me to love. So before much mushness ado, let's get to 10 facts about my beloved.

  1. I am the first black person Bolaji has ever dated. Nope, not Nigerian person, but black person. But don't be alarmed, I'm only the second person he's ever dated. Now I don't know if that's caused much more commotion than the first! Trust me, I was somewhat perplexed when he first told me as well but it made me appreciate and understand him more. As selfish as it is I'm glad he's not that playboy that everyone has had a go with.
  2. My babe does not watch sports. He's pretty much not into ANY sport. Oh he enjoys the occasional game or two and somehow between the BBC World and the London Times websites he keeps up with current happenings, but he just is not fussed about the whole thing which is a good thing for me! Bonus: Bo also does not play video games. He'll watch if others, read "the boys" are playing but he doesn't know how to play and he's not very interested in learning. I think it makes him feel silly, lol. Case in point, recently we went out to a friend's house party and while the boys were all so engrossed in the new FIFA, my babe kept on going back and forth between the living room and the dining room where I was watching "Why Did I Get Married". I'm sure he'd rather be sailing.
  3. Bolaji doesn't watch TV. We have a TV in the house because I pestered him to buy one but we haven't watched it in about 4 months. I am a TV addict, and I love my E! Entertainment but since I haven't had the chance to go pay for DSTV since I've been back from Europe, the TV has been useless. I can tell you it's the LAST thing on his mind. He's just weird like that.
  4. My boo went to public school England. This experience impacted him so much and is really why he is the man today. He's so open to life and to experiences and we share that bond together.
  5. Bo and my father went to the same high school in Nigeria. Yes like eons apart, but same high school and apparently the same Residence hall. How strange is that
  6. I am marrying a man who doesn't like his alcohol. Bo will have one or two drinks here and there but 8 times out of 10 he'd just rather have a coke or a tonic. Meanwhile when I'm in party mode, I'm in party mode u know, but even with me slightly tipsy, my boo is equally as high, but on life not vodka and red bull, lol. I respect this so much about him. He threw a challenge at me once and said to be in full control of your life you need to be able to have fun without ANY intoxication, that's TRUE fun. Have a drink because you want to but not because it enhances your fun.
  7. Bolaji's favorite past time right now is sailing. I didn't say yachting o, I meant sailing. So those "boats" that have like only two paddles and people are hanging off the sides? Yes, my boo loves the sport. It gives him a rush anytime he's preparing to go sailing. There are some days that we have errands to run on Saturday and I hate seeing his eyes light up and then go back down when I remind him he can't go sailing this weekend because we have to go check out wedding invites. :-(
  8. Every morning I'm woken up with a flurry of kisses. I don't mean a brisk peck, but I mean about 20/30 little kisses. I love that my babe does this because I wake up feeling so loved and cherished.
  9. This one is a non-pleasant one lol! Bolaji is a public farter. Let me explain. In my house we grew up with the rule that unless you're in the toilet and/or on the toilet seat, and so long as there's someone else around you that can either hear or smell your fart, just hold it in or excuse yourself and go to the toilet. Obviously this memo did not get on Bo's desk, he farts whenever and wherever the mood hits him. Thankfully he isn't a public farter in the sense that I can't even go places with him, but I'm the public too and he shouldn't let one big one rip while we're both sipping wine in the living room, lol. I'm still working on him with this one.
  10. Bolaji is the most thoughtful and caring person I know. He's one of those people that if they're shopping in a store and say carry a magazine that they wanted to buy and then decided against it, will walk all the way back to where the picked up the magazine and arrange it neatly back. I on the other hand can just leave whatever it is wherever I am but whenever I do this, Bo will stop, pick it up, and return it!
Ok whew! I thought I wouldn't make it to 10 but this has been a really good exercise. I was at work and really missing my boo and came up with this nice idea to get me writing and not missing my fiance. And to think we'll be seeing each other in another three and a half hours...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

No Matter What

Tuesday, October 13, 2009
no matter what i'm gonna marry the man of my dreams
no matter what i'm gonna walk down that aisle in my dress
no matter what i'll have love and family surrounding me
no matter what i'm gonna shimmy and shimmy on that dance floor
no matter what i'm gonna forget you didn't like it all
no matter what i won't look at you and be upset that you end up having fun
no matter what i'm gonna wake up that morning and be grateful for the day
no matter what my ceremony will be outside with a Methodist minister
no matter what my vendors will respect me and not email YOU
no matter what i will feel the love of my lost ones
no matter what i wont get upset and loose site of why i'm here
no matter what my man, my babe, my fiance and i will see it through
no matter what at the end of the day it will be me and him, hand in hand
no matter what our love will endure your pettiness
no matter what we will grow stronger through this
no matter what
NO MATTER WHAT!

Monday, October 12, 2009

All Cried Out

Monday, October 12, 2009
I spent this past weekend crying. I cried so much on Friday and then Saturday I was crying intermittently and then Sunday it got better but there were still times that the tears welled up.

My wedding may be postponed.

My wedding may not happen.

I have been having so much troubles with Bolaji's parents that I don't know the head or tail of it all. Since my relationship started I've tried to do everything the way my mother taught me, respectfully and cheerfully. To be myself at all times and to respect their opinions and principles while not loosing mine. But now I'm starting to get the sinking feeling that they just don't want me in their son's life at all. For whatever reason. They have made EVERY single decision we've made as a couple very difficult. The most excitement I've ever gotten from them both was "so how is planning coming". That is it. The day Bolaji and I got engaged I called my mom and she was so very excited, screaming on the phone and everything, praying for us and congratulating us. When we called Bolaji's parents, his mom refused to get on the phone and the first thing out of his father's mouth was "engagement is not wedding". And that was it. I was upset but Bolaji told me to brush it off that his parents are just not communicative. I feel this was my biggest mistake. If I had known at the time I would have known how to react and I would have insisted on the long engagement both Bolaji and I planned.

We picked our dates over two months ago. Actually, my mom picked the dates and we communicated to Bolaji's parents right at the time and the thoughts and considerations that went it. They wrote it down and agreed. Last week Bolaji's parents informed us they were going on vacation to the same country we had chosen for our destination wedding. We didn't say anything about this because they had mentioned something about it a while ago. We even drove them to the airport and they said nothing. On thursday they randomly send us an email that they will be going to visit our venue since they were already there. I had no problems with this and gave Bolaji the go ahead on that. Later thursday evening, they send us another email saying they had gone to the venue, spoken to the coordinator and that we should be expecting some documents from the coordinator soon. WHAT? apparently they had also gone to a chapel in that same city looking around for the pastor there (this bit is random as we are not even having an indoor ceremony!). And for the final piece de resistance: they think we should change the traditional date because we would be tempted to have sex after the traditional ceremony. WHAT??? so Bolaji sends them back an email saying very politiely that it is almost impossible to change the dates as venues have been booked and all family members alerted. We hear nothing until Friday afternoon, my mom forwards me an email that they had sent to her, essentially rubbishing every single decision and choice we've made about the wedding, and exaggerating a lot of facts. Even worse, the email sounded like they were not aware of all our plans, which they are!!! We even gave them a breakdown budget of all the cost elements of the wedding. My mom was very upset because after Bolaji proposed to me, it took them 1 month and a half to actually call my mother, and when they did they spent 5 minutes on the phone and before hanging up my mom heard them say, "hopefully Bolaji is happy now and will stop bugging us about calling". After the initial 5min phone call FOUR MONTHS AGO, Bolaji's parents have not picked up the phone or even emailed or texted my mom. Until now when they email her saying they want to change the date of the engagement to prevent us from having sex BETWEEN the engagement and the white wedding. Please keep in mind that our court wedding is before the engagement o.

Bolaji suspect that maybe they don't want him to marry me. They've never said anything of the sort to him yet but the whole thing reminds him of his last relationship which ended because of the great pressure from his parents to break up with the girl. If that's the case I need to know now before I make decisions a little too late. They just haven't been welcoming to me. They've been very standoff-ish, as if they are just tolerating me or are waiting to see. They've never showed excitement about the wedding. Me I'm just tired. I only want to go where I'm wanted and barring that, then unfortunately we would have to start our young family remaining distant in their lives.

I cried and cried and even now I get upset when I think of it.

I think I'm going to password this blog.

So anyway, no new wedding update. Bolaji wants to postpone it all. I want to postpone it all.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My birthday was last week and I've just turned 20-something, lol! Boy time does fly by so fast doesn't it? I'm quite very close to my thirties now and all of a sudden I'm feeling mature, wiser, and old-enough (to do damn near e'rythang!). Usually I'm one of those people who has to celebrate every birthday in some way shape or form, but this year there wasn't much of a celebration. Bolaji and I are in seriously saving mode for the wedding so every celebration is quite muted. Earlier in the month we celebrated our anniversary and in times past we would have gone out to a really fancy expensive restaurant and bought it each other all kinds of gifts, but this year we just went out to a nice little Italian restaurant here and had a quiet time of it. We have a little tradition we started which is that I get a new Jewel By Lisa outfit on my birthdays (great tradition right? I love JBL) but this year I just told my babe to hold off on the JBL for now, later when we have a bit more cash he can buy for me. I could tell from his eyes that he was really appreciative of my thoughtfulness and he promised to get me something really fabulous once the wedding/rent bonanza next year is done.

Even though my birthday wasn't filled with monetary abandon, I still managed to pack in a lot of fun. Hung out with friends and family and took in a few concerts that had me sleeping late for most of the week and just completely exhausted by the end of the week. Bolaji was joking around with me saying that it's because I'm old and don't I know that the body is not like it was before? He's a joker jo. At the end of my birthday, my babe went to buy me suya and Moet Nectare Rose and we opened up the suya on the bonnet of my car, a few of my very close friends were with us and we just stood outside in the parking lot at Oceanview Restaurant eating suya and drinking champagne out of plastic cups and even though that wasn't very glamourous I was very happy in that moment and had everything I coulda ever wanted.

Speaking of getting old there's something that has been tugging around in my mind for a while now. I spoke to the fiance about it and it didn't seem to freak him out as I though it would but it kinda freaks me out. I think I'm hearing my clock ticking, and the ticking is just getting louder and louder even. It has always been a desire of mine to have at least my first child before I'm thirty, I just didn't think thirty would come so quickly! I don't know maybe it's because I'm getting married and I'm going through all these changes emotionally and psychologically that I'm feeling this way. I've learnt since getting engaged the true meaning of the saying "life is in seasons". The season of childhood is there, then the season of being a student, then the season of being a young single person working and making your own money, etc. You never think of it being so different at least I never did, but boy accepting that ring and putting it on your finger ushers in a whole brand new season of life. It's been fun many times, it's also been challenging a few times. You can almost forget how life was in the previous 'season', like for me my life now is SO VERY MUCH DIFFERENT from my life as a single, carefree woman. And I'm not just talking of getting engaged, but when I was truly a single young woman, working and living in Lagos. Now I have my soon-to-be husband to think of and take care of, I have my in-laws, even my relationship with my siblings has transformed. Now I also think about building a home, building a family, laying foundations for our future, and yes of course, thinking about children. This is not a bad thing. Everything you've done in your life as a child growing up, as a young adult has been to prepare you for this particular season. In this season, you TRULY start living.

I look at Bolaji sometimes and I am just so proud of who he has become just as we embark on this journey of life together. When I met my babe he didn't even believe in marriage AND he wasn't too fussed about ever having kids. He actually told me in his words, he could see himself growing old without kids and maybe just co-habiting with a partner. Knowing my babe I know he felt that way at that time simply because those things were so out of scope for him that he just couldn't picture it really. He had just moved out of his home for the first time ever and his fridge was full of food his mother had made for him. He was very much a carefree, high-flying, workaholic, bachelor banker. You wouldn't look at the man and think, ok, the man is ready for a commitment such as that of marriage. But over the years it's like he's blossomed and grown so much into a man. He takes care of me even! Every responsibility that's been thrown at him he's taken it in stride without looking back without complaining. He has changed seasons right in front of my eyes. Anyway let me digress here...back to what I was saying, my clock has been ticking. I told the fiance as much and he just said, "yea?". We've been saving so much for the wedding/rent bonanza that we're also looking forward to October next year when we can start treating ourselves a little bit more, we want to travel a bit etc. Now what that means is that I have to find a way to keep the ticking on mute for a few years. I don't know how I'm gonna do that and we'll see how it works out sha.


Wedding Update!

So I booked my venue this week which is very very exciting! I've also commissioned my dress and I'm currently building our wedding website which is very important as we are having a destination wedding and I'll like to give people as much time and info as they need so they can plan ahead. My colours are apple green, black, and white. What do you think? Green is my favorite color and I think black and white gives that clean, crisp, and classy look. I'm having trouble picking a dress for my bridesmaids though and will need help so if you guys come across nice options that would match my color scheme please pass them along. I'll be booking my photographer and florist next week. As for the trad (which is in 5 months!!!), I am entirely clueless. I think I'm going to go asoebi shopping with my cousin in October, then aso-oke shopping in November, I'm booking my hall next week though so that's good. The traditional is a bit hard to plan without my mother being here so I'm not sure where to go and who does what etc. I am starting to get very excited about it all though!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Bittersweet Homecoming

Sunday, September 20, 2009
I'm so upset right now I'm not quite sure what to do or how to behave. What's interesting though is that my blog family is really becoming like family because one of the things I thought of when trying to figure out how to cool down is that I should bring it here knowing that I would get good advice here.

Let me tell the whole story so it'll make sense a little bit. My family is odd. Not in an extremely odd way but you know in that way that I'm convinced everybody thinks their own family is especially...different. On my mom's family there are TONS of them and they do everything together. If you can think of the quintessential happy-go-lucky Yoruba family, that's my mom's family. They do family die, lol. My Dad's family on the other hand, well, they are just special. Suffice it to say that they just kinda prefer to live their lives with a loose, sometimes thin, awareness of kinship. Nothing serious. Their wahala and drama CAN be so much that the best method everyone employs is to just be cordial at best and keep it moving. Which I kinda like anyway. So what's the point of all this family history? In the course of my relationship with Bolaji, it's only natural then that Bolaji has interacted so much with my mom's side of the family. Like they know him and he knows them and everything is good. However my favorite cousins and the ones that we hung out with most often while i was growing up are from my Dad's side of the family. In fact my FAVORITE cousin bar none, just had his second child and the last time I saw him or his wife and first child was at the naming ceremony of their first.

Okay so for about two weeks now I've been telling Bolaji, please I want us to go visit my cousin and his family o. I kept on saying it and saying it and we planned it for today. This was two weeks ago. I even told one of my cousins and she said she will come along that she will come to the house early this morning, we'll go to church together and then go to my cousin's house together. I ran it by Bolaji and everything was set for today. You should also know that this my cousin lives on the same street as my family house (my father's house) which has been locked up for a while and I was supposed to go and open and air it out but I haven't had the time for so long and to top it off, Bolaji had never been there before. I had told him many times that it meant something to me for us to go there and know my house abi? also I'm thinking of having our traditional at the house but I wanted to get his opinion because he would have a clearer eye as to whether we can actually do the ceremony there. (trust me the place is far and hasn't been lived in for over 12 years!!!). So we had planned this whole day.

Bolaji on the other hand, takes polo lessons had been telling me about the squad championships on Saturday (yesterday) for a while too. We just thought okay we'll have a busy weekend it seems, you have polo championships on saturday and we'll go visit my cousin and see the house on sunday. Everything was set and honestly I had been looking forward to this weekend all week! Yesterday coming back from polo, Bolaji tells me..."I'm sorry I didn't know but Polo championships are for two days and will continue tomorrow" of course meaning he's gonna cancel on our (my) sunday. I was soo bummed and I told him so, it put a damper on my spirit. Later on in the evening I'm talking to one of his team mates and he says to me "Bolaji was really great today, do you think he'll be able to make it tomorrow?" But he says it in a way that makes me think it wasn't all THAT compulsory for him to be there. He could have backed out! This made me even more upset like you knew how important this was to me and you obviously and consciously decided to choose Polo over our plans.

We didn't argue or anything, in fact we went out with some friends and partied and had fun but everytime i thought of it I got kinda sad and upset (not you know, anger o, just upset). When we got back home, I called him and just told him that I had to bare my feelings. The minute I told him, the whole emotion was just let out of the bag and I was so down the rest of the night. Bolaji usually hugs and kisses me every morning before he gets up but he said this morning he tried to hug me and I just turned to the other side (i don't remember doing this by the way) so we talked about it again and I told him that I felt hurt and disappointed and felt like because he wasn't too jazzed about going to my family's it was very easy for him to commit himself to the second day when he should have just told them he couldn't make it because of family commitments. I also felt that if it was something he considered important he wouldn't have blown it off easily, like work, or some other thing HE wanted to do but since it was me, it was easily brushed off. Also I told him about the rule we have: We don't do any extended family runs alone (or parent runs for that matter), the other person (spouse) has to come along. Always. We talked about it and everything, and he's gone now, but I just am so down and can't shake the feeling. I know he has apologized and he has said he's sorry he made a mistake and he'll learn from it and not do that again. I accept that. What else can I ask of him abi? He's said what he SHOULD say. But still I'm finding that that is not wiping the disappointment from me. I keep trying to tell myself he just made a mistake and i'm his fiancee and I should forgive his mistake and move on from it but in my heart I'm still down. I really wanted him to come since it would be the first time he would be meeting anyone from my father's side of the family.

Ah well. I have to just learn to stop holding on to hurt especially if the person has sincerely apologized. But it's hard and I'm praying to God to help me.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

WORK WORK WORK

Thursday, September 17, 2009
Hello Blog Family! The following pictures accurately depict my last two weeks:






To say that work has been crazy is an understatement. Two of our clients at work decided last minute to accelerate their timeline as a result of something else that was going on so everybody was on extra stressed work time alert. I can tell you that save the past two days (it has taken me two days to come back to normal!), i mean during the past two weeks I think I probably slept a total of 20hrs that is 10 hour each week. I think that was my average. I'm just very glad things have eased up a bit and I can finally update my blog!

Yes where did I leave off? Ok, yes. Bolaji has found out but he's promised in quite an earnest fashion that he wont come on the blog again, like EVER. I believe him. So that wasn't the reason for the lapse in posting. Generally we've been good! Last week was our anniversary and I'm so happy to have this wonderful man in my life. :-) But I just have to tell y'all, that boy doesn't know romance if it hits him over the face haha. My babe tries and when he does do something sweet, it is usually at a time unexpected by me. Our anniversary comes and because I know he is not the romantic type I've been hinting him for about two weeks before the date. Just subtle hints about how this particular one is so special to me and how I want to do something special. First off, my fiance is an investment banker. If you don't understand the full implications of this, check out this website: DABA. The website is highly satirical but some core elements are there like bankers notoriously are married to their job and their time availability follows this. If a banker sets a date for Friday at 7pm, the probability is higher than normal that he'll have to cancel, he'll have to push the time back, or he'll show up late. We know this and we just love them despite it all! Back to our anniversary, Bolaji's boss schedules a meeting for 7pm! Story short, my boo and I go on our romantic dinner around 10pm. Couple the banker lifestyle with my fiance's lack of knowledge about romance and you get a pretty normal anniversary! He is cute though because after that we went to walk by the water, hand in hand and just talking the night away, talking about our love, our marriage, our future, our kids. It was nice. Normal, but very nice. I love my babe, he's my rock and my light. I truly don't understand why people wouldn't want this if they can? I have friends who say they're not looking. They are very happy being by themselves. And I just think about my babe and his love for me, I can't imagine giving that away. This is an absolute journey, a trip, and we're gonna go it hand in hand.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

FOUND OUT!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Bolaji has found this blog!

I've mentioned here before that I didn't want Bolaji to read this blog. I told him when I was starting it up so he knows I have a blog but I told him he's not allowed to look for it, or if he finds it, to read it. I'm not sure I was too shocked when last week he finally admitted to me that he did look for the blog, and he read this post. I was not very surprised because I know who I have. The Bolaji that I know is extremely curious about everything. The worst thing I can say to him is, I'll tell you when you get home. He just simply has no patience for that. Now, I'm not saying this is a good thing, but it's just one of those things I've put in my 20%, i.e. no one's perfect right? lol. Thing is I'm actually quite the opposite. You can leave a box with me and tell me not to open it and until you come back to collect it, it will remain unopened. I don't know how I became like that because as a child I was a curious person, but I think I just decided one day that if you go and put your eye into something they didn't call you into, then whatever you see is your own wahala o. So since then I've just lost that extra curiosity.

Back to the story though, so last week Bolaji and I were just talking and he confesses that he found the blog. I was so depressed and down. I wasn't angry I was just depressed. I really wanted this blog to be like an open diary where I can write everything straight from the heart without having to look behind me or having to explain myself to boyfie. Sigh. At first I thought I would close the blog entirely, then I thought I should lock it so only those that register would be able to see it but I think it's important to me to keep it relatively open. So for now, the decision is to keep it open. Bolaji has PROMISED not to stray back to this blog. Let's see. I half don't believe him I think (knowing who I have) but let's play it by ear shall we?

An update from the previous post is: I'm keeping the white wedding! So the destination wedding is back on and I'll keep you guys posted. We went over to my future in-laws house over the weekend once again an attempt to get a final budget commitment from them but like the other times we went there we end up talking and talking and at the end not getting a figure commitment. When we got engaged, Bolaji and I decided that when it comes to in-laws, neither of us will show up alone. So whenever he goes to his parents I HAVE to come with and vice versa. I think this is why they haven't given us a financial commitment so I've asked him to go back to them and ask point blank for a monetary commitment. Bolaji's mom is so preoccupied with our sex lives I think. It is true that the beau and I have decided to be celibate but we don't wear that decision on our sleeves but my new Mom keeps mentioning it and has forbidden us to travel together. Now, THAT for sure I don't think is going to work because we have to travel together for the first planning trip to the destination wedding. I need to let her know and understand somehow that we are both adults and we can VERY MUCH vacation together without sleeping together. I mean we live together. Jesus, please help me and teach me and guide me in which way to go and the things I say with my mouth. Amen.

PS - for those who can't leave comments on my blog :-( I don't know what's wrong with it. I've tried to fix it but it's not working and I don't want to change my layout. Please let me know once it's corrected itself. OR if you become a follower, I think it allows you to post automatically.

Ok, I have so much work on my desk right now, I'm gonna stop blogging at this minute.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

White Wedding OR Court?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Ok, so I've said here that I've been planning my destination white wedding. Well the experience so far has been anything but pleasant for me. I don't think I'm one of the girls who dreamt about her wedding day from the time she was a little kid and has obsessed about it from the time she turned 23. Let me just digress a little bit and tell you the story of one of my friends who till date is the most wedding crazed girl I know. She is 29 and she has her ENTIRE wedding planned to the hilt, but the rub is that she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's not even close to being in a relationship with anyone right now. Yet homegirl has the venue, the church, the decor, the color scheme, the dress, the bridesmaids dress, everything planned out. She actually wanted to book a venue but I had to stop her! She wanted to book the venue and church because she says the church she wants has a long waiting list (like a year or so) so she wants to book it now so that by the time it comes she won't have to worry about the place being unavailable for her desired date. Isn't that funny? I was always look at her and just shake my head. The only non-close family wedding I've been too, she's the one that dragged me there. Funny girl.

Anyway back to my post, so the long and short of it is that I have never been a "wedding, wedding" kinda girl. I don't think I've ever really dreamt of my on day, or of me putting on a wedding dress. It's weird, like I like watching all those shows on the Style network but I never imagine ME doing all those things. It was like a mystical event that happened in a parallel universe where grown women act like complete princesses and spend tens of thousands of dollars to do so, but it was just never the scope of reality for me. Attempting to plan my wedding so far has just brought all of that to the forefront. I don't get giddy with excitement about all the little details of planning and really, it just drives me nuts and makes me go bonkers. The other day I went to find out prices to print invitation cards at the Wedding Store in Ikeja and the lady there brings out these 3 huge binders of samples, I truly was bored by the tenth page of the first one! It WAS quite boring. Then there are colors and different shades of green and fuschia and gold and on and on and on. I mean how is someone supposed to actually make a choice? The way I see it is that there are so many options out there that it actually doesn't really matter which one you pick, you can just close your eyes and point and the likelihood that you will pick something that's alright is very high so why the drama? Even the wedding dress that I think everyone says the bride is so into, I'm not so into. I picked a dress, mostly because i was tired of looking through theknot.com's parade of like 3000 dresses, and sent the picture to my mom and she freaked out and sent it back because it was too "simple". And all this and I haven't even started talking about dealing with potential vendors. I email a couple of so-called wedding planners and they never emailed me back which to me is rude, I should NOT be begging anyone to be my wedding planner, it's not charity now, abi? I'd be paying so I thought they should show a little more enthusiasm for collecting my money. Same goes for the venue, after going back and forth with them for two weeks (i confirmed availability of my date even before that) they started trying to play games with me and the guy says there's another couple "competing" for my date and tried to get me to throw in some of their other services. I just got disgusted and really uninterested in the place. Sunday night, after not hearing from me for two days, the venue guy then sends an email that the venue is now available and the other couple has picked a date! Lies! I don't want to work with liars!

So that has brought me here: I don't want to plan any wedding. I'd rather have a court wedding and a marriage blessing after. No reception. At least so I think. I told my mother and while I don't think she understands it, I think she's willing to let me have my way. We haven't decided completely though. Some of my considerations are that our rent comes up mid next year, it's $25,000 and we have to pay for two years plus service charge of $8,000! If I have all my white wedding trimmings now, how will we pay rent next year enh? And we don't want to cash out any of our savings or investments for the wedding, we'd rather keep that money in an education trust or something. The other consideration is that I want to go here for our honeymoon:





Yep! That's the Maldive Islands, so beautiful. The problem is it's very expensive and the ever cash conscious beau will NOT be going there if we continued with our destination white wedding. The last consideration is my ring. So my engagement ring has diamonds around the band as well as the solitary stone in the middle, so a couple of weeks ago Bolaji and I were talking and I mentioned to him that I'd like a matching wedding band as well, meaning a wedding band that also had diamonds around the band as opposed to a plain wedding band. he voiced some concerns about being able to afford it so I dropped it. But now I told him, I said if we do a court wedding, then i AM getting my diamond band and he agreed! Really what it boils down to is if we cut the white wedding out (which I don't want to plan anyway), then we can afford to do a lot more and still save money.

So ladies (and gentlemen?) what should I go for now that I've told you all my considerations?

Court Wedding?



Nice, chic, classy, ceremony, where I'll wear a nice 50's style short dress with my hair back in a bun with a flower and nice white pumps. I think I'll wear something like this (minus the veil):




and then I'll do a marriage blessing service at my church. For those that don't know much about it, a marriage blessing is traditionally done in an orthodox church if the couple has already done the civil ceremony. The order of the ceremony is almost exactly like the one for a wedding except there's no exchange of rings (the rings are just blessed instead), the couple enter the church together, and there's a prayer of penitence. I'm a methodist and I've already spoken to the Reverend about this (he thought we were pregnant! we're not!). For the marriage blessing service I'd wear something like this:




OR

White Wedding?

Destination wedding in a beautiful wine estate. The entire wine estate will be rented out by our wedding party which means about 22 of our guests would be able to stay in the guesthouses. The wedding itself will look like this:










A couple of things to keep in mind:

1. court wedding allows me to have my maldives honeymoon, diamond wedding band, and not have to move from "the island" to "the mainland" lol.

2. Most of Bolaji and I's close family members live outside Nigeria so will have to travel either way

3. Full white wedding in Nigeria is NOT an option. NEVER. EVER. either blessing or destination wedding.

Ok so what do you guys think? I'm going to make up my mind fully by the end of the week and I'd like to have your opinions it would really help me decide. I've been praying about this as well. I think I know what God told me yesterday but I'm still praying.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The "Husband" List

Monday, August 24, 2009
There's is something I've always wanted to share with all my girlfriends. I don't know how many of the readers here are single ladies but I'll share an insight from my experience that seems to be consolidated with other people's experiences that I've read about.

I think it's pretty normal behavior these days for us young women out there to at least voice out and be vocal about our "independency", and not needing any man. Believe me, I understand this completely. But one of the biggest "aha" moments I've had in my life was in my Feminism class in university. The teacher said to the class on one of the first days of that course "true feminism is no bra burning, or looking down on domesticity, real and true feminism is the giving/allowing a woman the right to choose WHAT and WHO she wants to be at any point in her life without feeling guilty about either choice". In essence what she was saying is that if a woman is at a point where all she wants to do is have babies, sit at home and raise those babies and cook for her husband, that's fine and no one should begrudge her that, and on the other hand if a woman is ultra-career oriented with no time for children, husband, housework, that's fine too, and no one should begrudge her that. Then, what is important for all women, is to find their balance, and be comfortable with that. This single thought changed my life and the way I saw things. I started to see that it's okay to want or need a partner in your life, it's okay to look at babies and feel that clock ticking, while at the same time keeping an eye on making my own money, and charting my own destiny.

I'll tell you why I'm saying all this. I think a lot of the times we as young ladies in this generation, we get carried away and when we get to this our age, I'm talking mid-twenties to mid-thirties, we still find it hard to admit to ourselves that YES, i'm independent modern woman, BUT i want a man, a boyfriend, a husband. Unfortunately I think this is the first step to getting a good one. I think what we have to do is be very honest with ourselves as to what we want in our lives. I've noticed that everytime I speak to a young woman who is in a happy relationship or marriage they tell you that yes, before that relationship, they admitted to themselves that they want a boyfie/hubby and acknowledged that feeling and took it to God somehow. Now I'll tell you my little story in this regard.

After moving back to Nigeria I think I "dated" a lot of frogs. Nigeria is just another kettle of fish it seems. Abroad I think there were setting "codes" of dating I was quite used to and aware of. Not that men didn't play games, they did, but in Nigeria I think men are used to being the boss, and getting their own way with EVERYTHING so there's not even the extra level of trying or sincerity I thought (everything here is just my humble opinion). There are large displays of "love" like buying you things, but I felt they almost approached it like a computer program: grandiose romantic gestures+i-want-to-marry-u=easy sex=leave girl high and dry. It was all just so complicated for me and I quickly got tired of that race so consciously, I knew I was tired and I wanted something real. I had read some excerpts of TD Jakes and I knew that I was interested in reading more about what other people thought of relationships and how to navigate the waters. So one day I was in the bookstore and came across this book:



It's called Love Smart by Dr. Phil. I know I know, there so much that many people reasonably don't like about the cliche of Dr.Phil but this book had so much common sense about it. The kind of common sense that is not so common perhaps, the kind that ladies KNOW but willingly ignore or make excuses for when faced with a tall, dark, handsome man with a killer smile. Reading the book made me confront head on a lot of my issues. One of them being that a jerk is a jerk is a jerk, regardless of whether he is pretty, or hot, or makes me coffee in the morning. If he never picks up my phone, or never keeps to his word, then he's a jerk and he's gotta go. No compromise. I had to face these things head on. But one of the most important exercises in the book is to really think deeply about what you want in a man/partner and actually list them down. And it's not a vague list that you come up with yourself but there are different categories of attributes listed and you have to think deeply and think of which one you would like in a partner. I did this exercise and some things actually surprised me. You start to think what's more important to me, a man that saves money almost to the point of stinginess or a man who gives you the world but at the end of the day you're both broke in the bank. Or how religious do you want him to be? goes to church every sunday?? once a month? tries to go to church? still figuring himself out? I had to list all these attributes down. Once I did the picture became clearer and I really felt I could make better decisions. For example if I met a man who was a fiiiiiiine man but lacked some of those qualities i thought most important, I just didn't follow through and at most we would just become friends. I did not compromise on my key list AT ALL. Of course the books also mentions the 80/20 rule, meaning there's not one human being out there that's gonna have the entire list of qualities but he SHOULD have about 80% and the most important 80% at that. Do not compromise on this.

So knowing what I wanted, I also began (like the book instructed) to think about that man and what about me would attract that kind of man. If i said I wanted an outdoorsy kinda man, then I should start learning outdoorsy things too or cross it off my list. If i said I wanted a man who was very serious about his walk with God, then I have to buckle up on that aspect too! If i want an outgoing, social kinda guy then I've got to be outgoing, and find out if I'm the sort of person who could stand an outgoing man. In essence, I began to work on ME. And it's not changing yourself to suit any man, no, but more of finding out more about yourself, and then becoming a better version of you. I started to concentrate on teaching myself to get closer in y walk with God, to listen better, to learn how to make a few dishes perhaps, to meet new people and learn about new things, to read more perhaps, to be more confident, etc. Things that actually make me a more well rounded person.

I have to say once this process was started, that's when Bolaji came into my life. He just waltzed in really. No drama. I wasn't attracted to him at first, I didn't even like him like that. And he pursued me, I mean REALLY pursued me. Not in the annoying drama-filled ways people do but he was just there for me and like he said, he just said to himself, "i want this woman in my life and i'm going to be patient, and I'm going to learn all about her, and I'm going to be there for her and support her as a friend even if she doesn't want to date me. I just want to be a part of this woman's life". For me I just started to notice that, wow, this man has A LOT of my qualities that I wrote down. I even went back to the book to re-read the qualities I checked off and stack them up against Bolaji, and my eyes just opened! I just saw that hmm, this girl, you better give this one a try, this is what you've been looking for.

So I just want to encourage everyone out there, that's truly fed up of the dating circus and craves a real relationship without the drama to just first sit down, even if you feel silly, sit down and right down what exactly it is you want. There are no right or wrong answers, right EVERYTHING down: tall, killer smile, religious, calls his mama but is not attached to his mama, wealthy, has a car, a house, whatever, just write it down, the shallow and unshallow. Know this man, then set out to know yourself, and ask God that he should bring this person into your life, AND he should help you and work on you so you'll be a good mate for this person.

True love, is a beautiful thing and never give up on finding it.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Internet Service

Thursday, August 20, 2009
Hello everyone! I've got great news. Bolaji and I finally decided to set up a wireless internet service at home so I'm very pleased to say that I have actually very good service all day now and will most likely be blogging more often. I'm still upset at no comments though :( I'm thinking maybe the news of the co-habiting has knocked me off some few readers list. I'm just joking about this by the way but I hope that's not the case still. I miss the comments and the interaction and maybe now that I have easier access I'd be a lot more active in blogworld in general.

Bolaji and I had another minor incident yesterday but like all the others it's been solved immediately. I actually dno't feel like going into details on this one but I think it's something most people should be aware of. I think the minute you say "yes", then maybe a lot of things start popping up. I actually believe it's the anxiety that both parties start feeling concerning this new step in their lives coupled with all the drama of bringing two completely different families together and planning a wedding (or TWO ceremonies if you're Nigerian). I have to say thought, that I love my boo ever more each day and our love takes on a new dimension with every passing day and I can see how couples that have been married for 20 years just can't imagine life without their partner. That moment in the morning when we both part ways and go about our respective jobs is the hardest part of the day. Just before I came on blogger just now I just looked at the time and saw that it was 4pm and I hadn't spoken with my babe since 11 in the morning (!) and I just HAD to get on the phone and call. It's weird to describe the feeling even, like I couldn't take another breath until I spoke to my fiance.

Wedding planning is...exciting and exhausting at the same time! We're actually having a destination wedding and since our date is a very busy period for them I know I have to book early but finding a venue is hard job o! For us especially to do this mostly on the internet is just bananas. But I think I've finally picked a venue now and will possible book before the week is out. I feel like once that's out of the way, then the other things will be more exciting and fun since booking the venue usually means you have a semi-finalized budget already by that time. One thing that kinda messed up my day today is that all this while I'd been planning based on the exchange rate we used the last time we travelled to this destination but today something just told me to re-check, so imagine my surprise to find out that the exchange rate has gone up!!! So my budget in naira is not exactly going to cover all the things I had been budgeting for. So now I have to revise it. I just spoke to Bolaji now and explained everything and he says we'll think about it some more and work it out. The exchange rate snafu added 1million naira to the budget..yikes!

I'm thinking of making this blog a wedding planning/relationship chronicle blog now. I don't know. What do you guys think? More wedding stuff or more relationship stuff? I feel like our lives right now is extremely busy and we're being pulled in many different directions that not very much is happening.

Ok, I'm going to head back to work now. I'd like say a big CONGRATULATIONS to Yankee Naija Babe on her court marriage. In 20/30/40/50/60 years you'll look back and with a smile on your face know that marrying your now husband was the best decision you made! Enjoy your mini-honeymoon girl!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Nooooo, Not My Virgin Ears!!!!

Thursday, August 13, 2009
Hello guys. I swear I haven’t abandoned this blog I’ve just been extremely busy with work and with my applications for grad school. Plus you just add the hustle and bustle of Lagos plus the fact that the Internet has essentially gone out in most places, plus the few weeks I was down with malaria; it just makes blogging a little bit more difficult. But I’ve been thinking about you all and felt a little sad that no one has commented on the few last posts and no one has asked of me ☹. I don’t have time to blog but I check up on the blog every now and then ☹ either way I’ve missed you all!

Before I continue I’d just like to say to my fellow blogger who lost her father a week or two ago, my sincere condolences and you and your family are in my prayers. Stay strong, those we love are not gone but they are saving our nice warm seat by the bosom of our Lord for when that time (be it long) comes.

Ok, now why didn’t my more experienced fellow bloggers warn me about this funny monster called engagement? Lol. There are so many things that happen that just leaves me incredulous! But I love this whole process. I’ve never felt closer to Bolaji and everytime any one of these strange incidents happen, I just look at him and I feel reassured and happy that I get to experience these things with my best friend.

One of the stranger things that has happened is that all of a sudden recently, Bolaji has been showing extremely strange behaviours. For example, the Bolaji I know is the sweetest, most considerate, and kind person I know. This is someone that calls the waiter back to tell him that he has omitted a N3000 item on our bill or someone who after I’ve chucked the magazine I was checking out in the store on some random rack, picks it up and goes and puts it back in its place. But recently, homeboy has just been exhibiting strange behaviours that seem uncaring at the least. When I’m sick I’m usually very baby-ish and want and need a lot of attention and just really hugs. One particular night the malaria got so bad and I was feeling nauseous and very ill so I kept on repeating over and over that I felt really bad and felt like throwing up. Bolaji’s response was to tell me that it’s all in the mind, that I should just relax and it would go away, imagine that! Anyway let me just cut the story short and say that that same night he ended up snapping at me in a very bad way. I’d never seen that, from anyone before. How can you snap at a sick person? Gosh, we were so rocked by this event. I started to think to myself, this man cannot fulfil the vow of “in sickness and in health” nope, there’s no way. That night I went back to sleep on the couch and Bolaji came to me and pleaded and pleaded, saying he didn’t know what came over him and that he’s sorry. While I don’t know about that, this man IS going to be my husband so I said to him, I NEVER want to see that person I saw this evening again, if you say you’re sorry, I’m gonna believe you and forgive you. So that’s how we resolved that issue. He really tries you know, and I understand that. Nobody’s perfect and we need someone who would still stick with us when our ugly bits are showing. I love my babe.

The other strange engagement development I MUST mention is that people now randomly give us like explicit sexual advice. I just don't understand it. One of my aunties who's has been my favorite aunt from when i was very little just started telling us about condom use and withdrawal methods and having sex without a condom. It was weird. She also decided as a woman she should also give me pointers about pleasing my husband! As in really! I think Bolaji wanted to open up the ground and enter it just about then. I just don't get it, did any of you experience this as well, or is this just a quaint characteristic of MY family? Lol.

And then I have to say I’m not truly enjoying the inlaw process. Really if you think about it, one set of parents is stressful enough, then to add another set? Sheesh. Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice but since I don’t know how to kinda manoeuvre with them like I do my own parents, I think it’s a really difficult thing to do. Last week I went over to my inlaws to start discussing guest lists and budgets and all of that kinda stuff. My white wedding is going to be a destination wedding to a place that I’ve just always loved and dreamed I was going to get married in. As we were talking, Bolaji’s dad then asks me “I just want to ask to make sure, but is it that you want a headline wedding? As in Mr. So and So’s son weds in DESTINATION”. Bolaji’s family is a bit well-known but I was so offended by this suggestion. I don’t know. I didn’t know how to react. If I wanted a “headline wedding” I would have done it in Lagos! It’s just been very challenging the whole way around. I can’t wait for us to be married and start building our own family and traditions.

All through all of this, my babe wakes me up in the morning two days ago singing, “Could you be, the most beautiful girl in the world. Can’t u see, you’re the reason why God made a girl…” to me. How can I not be thankful I have this man in my life. Moments like that I just sit to myself and wonder, how did I win this lottery? How did I find real and true love like this? God loves me ☺))

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Co-Habiting

Thursday, July 16, 2009
Okay since we are all friends now let me share a lirrule secret: Bolaji and I live together. Yes we are Lagosians and yes we live together as in together together. I know waht some of you will be thinking as you read this. What? Never me. I understand that. Since all my adult life that was one rule I had, I will NEVER live with my boyfriend ooo, how would he buy the cow (not that I'm the cow oo but sha just to illustrate) why buy the cow when the milk is free. I totally understand. Even then they say divorce rates for cohabiting couples are high and all that. I truly agree with all those points and if I were to advise anyone I'd say do not live with your boyfriend until a ring is on that finger. However for me life just happened and it is what it is - I couldn't kill myself over it.

See Bolaji and haven't always lived together of course. In our two year relationship I just moved in 6 months ago. I was staying at a family friend's flat while she was away in Maryland. However about 6months ago this girl came to me and said she was getting married and her husband says I can't live there anymore that I had to be out by month's end. See me see trouble ooo. I had just left my job and was in between jobs so there was absolutely no money to start renting a flat. Those of you that live in Lagos can understand that coming up with $10000 to $15000 for two years rent is no joke. I was so distraught and had to even go stay at a cheap hotel for a few days. Bolaji got upset at the situation and my wasting cash at a hotel and said to come stay with him while I figure things out, get a new job, and save cash. So here we are still and the bobo has now proposed to me ooo. I'm still thinking of moving out as we have a long engagement but is it really worth paying out the 2 years rent at this point? Hmm, food for thought abi?

Living together has been interesting. We don't fight at all so that is a great thing but it takes a little getting used to each other at first. Another little nugget of information is that my boo and I are practising celibacy. Now I'm not one of those who would go on about this not understanding that religion and faith is a personal journey filled with trials and challenges but Bolaji and I talked about it and felt that as long as we had each other we would strengthen each other throught this decision we have made. I'll go on about celibacy in another post maybe but as far as us cohabitating it hasn't been that bad sticking to our guns. We are best friends so maybe that's why its not as difficult but who knows.

So there you have it! Another blog post by Blackberry!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Keeping Beyonce Outta The Bedroom

Monday, July 13, 2009
I'm sure you've noticed a little lull in posting but I promise its for a great cause! Bolaji and I are back together!!! - reunited and it feels so goooood. Lol. That's me singing and I'm sure you all don't want to hear the live version.

So my project winded up and finished up last week. Well the part of the project that needs me anyway. I was so excited and could barely contain my excitement at finally getting to see my boo. The last few days in Europe was just a blur to me really. This weekend I said sayonara to the beautiful and organized Europe and Hola to Lagos. The day I got in it rained ALL day and I've only seen the daylight perhaps once for about 2 hours. That's Lagos for you. I was hoping I was going to feel some sort of affinity for this chaotic city bt I'm scaring myself by admitting that I didn't miss it at all. I missed my boo and my friends but not Lagos itself. Ah well.

So Bolaji and I have just been loving it up my dears! It feels so good to be in my baby's arms again finally. We had a very busy weekend (as always) but there was tons and tons of hand holding and stolen kisses. I was even quite surprised when I came out of Murtala Muhammed and Bolaji was there waiting for me in the rain with a rose! Isn't he so sweet? I was very pleasantly surprised as I'm always teasing him that he's not romantic at all, but I thought any man that would wait in the rain in Nigeria with a rose for his fiancee has redeemed himself small, lol. I love my babe.

I have to say though that we've already had our first tiff since I've been back! So I've mentioned on this site that I love beyonce and her music very much. Right now I really like the Sweet Dreams song just cuz it's got a different edgy sound that I think is the future of R&B. Anyway so we're walking through Palms Shopping Centre and talking about the Nigerian economy (yea I know we're nerds right?) And in the middle of that the Beyonce song comes up. Immediately I just start singing along so Bolaji knowing not many things can compete with my attention at times like this stops talking. I was just singing the song sha. Like halfway through it he says "so you're not going to talk until it's finished" and I'm like "hmm mm no" and continued singing. Towards the end of the song he says "Kemi finish what you were saying before now" so I shake my head but go in to hug him and he pushes away. I could tell he was upset but I didn't understand it. But I was so tired that day that even after the song finished - just kept quiet. I didn't want to fight and I didn't want an argument. The thing is though, Bolaji and I have promised to each other never to give each other the silent treatment so I knew one of us was going to have to talk sooner or later, but I was just too tired that evening. We bought what we came to buy in silence and walked to the car without talking to each other. As I was walking I started to think about my babe who brought me a rose at the airport, and then that same night whispered in my ear "I pray God grants me the grace to be the best husband to you that anyone can be, to show yo that my love for you is timeless and limitless". I just couldn't keep silent anymore so I said "Bolaji, what happened there? I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel like I wasn't listening to you or our conversation wasn't important". From there we just started talking. He apologized, I apologized and we laughed about it. I love moments like this. I'm very proud of our resolve to talk things through with respect. I'm never afraid of arguments or disagreements I'm only concerned how they are resolved. I pray we remain as level-headed throughout this or glorious journey.

Please forgive any typos I just typed this whole thing on my Blackberry.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

MUSHY MUSHY

Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I miss my babe.

This separation/long distance thing is so tough! My project here is about rounding up though (thank God)and it seems all i can do now is sit and count the days until me and my baby can be reunited again. Everytime I complain to Bolaji he just tells me the story about his mother again. You see, his mom told him this story of once when his dad was posted through his job to Italy for one year. It was a good thing and was seen as some kind of promotion then in his Dad's company. However the whole thing was a bit unexpected and quite sudden, especially for what was a young family still. Bolaji and his siblings were still quite little. His Dad and his Mom talked about it and they both decided that he really didn't have any other option but to go. So they were in essence, physically separated for about a year! Bolaji's Mom tells him that year was the hardest year of her life. She had three young children to take care of and her husband was far away. She had to quickly figure out how to do everything to keep the household running smoothly while still tending and nurturing for the young kids. So because of that story Bolaji tells me, well you know marriage is forever, and there may be times when we have to be separated. So it's better we get a grip now, start learning how to cope so if anything unexpected comes up in the future, it won't be "the most difficult time" of our lives.

I hear all that but I still miss my babe! He's just got a way of making me feel that all is right with the world, and I can do anything, and pretty much just everything good. Whenever I'm strolling in a park and see two love birds I just imagine it's his hands caressing my face or kissing my forehead, or now when I see kids I just picture us as young parents. I feel incomplete when we're not together.

:-(

Okay, let me get a grip. In other news...I have to say I can't believe all the extra attention my mom pays me now. Lol. All the things that previously she wouldn't have even bothered herself about she's now so very attentive. This thing makes people behave weird I think! Well, what else has been going on in the engagement front? Ah yes, I'm beginning to get worried that sooner or later all i'll be talking about is wedding this, and wedding that. I can already see it developing. Some of the things I read just scare me, like how in the world is it humanly possible for ONE individual to plan all this stuff??? It's crazy I tell you. If someone has to deal with all this stuff I can't imainge how she'll find time to have a life outside of the big colossal event she's planning.

Something else I also need to ask you guys out there. So after the ring, what happens? My mother is so giddy with excitement and she wants to call Bolaji's parents (they've never met or even talked) but she says she thinks they're supposed to call her first. Everytime I speak to her she keeps reminding me that she can't tell anyone until they call her. Is this really some kind of strict protocol? And also what happens after that? Does anyone have like a rough timeline for traditonal weddings? I'm so clueless.

I was thinking I was going to get a chance to wallow in my clueless oblivion for a while but Bolaji calls me two days ago and says this "I've been thinking, I know we agreed to a long engagement and all but I'd kinda like the traditional to be in December"! ME: (gulp!) December? What makes this even worse is that just the night before my mom was telling me she wants to do traditional in december and I was just fighting her (not really but you know) about it and trying to get her to move it a bit further down and now my gorgeous fiance now says December...so it's a done deal I guess. Isn't December a bit too close? All these people, I want to wallow in my engagement-ness for a bit :-) Actually my main concern is now the time period between traditional engagement and what we had talked about for the white wedding. Trust me, it's over a year! Who would want to come to our white after that? What do you guys think?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Now What?

Saturday, June 27, 2009
Thanks to everyone for their well-wishes, I really appreciated it and even though I've only been blogging for a short while, makes me feel like a part of the blogville family!

Ahh, so today's exactly one week since i've been engaged. Hmmm, how has it been?

Several things actually. The first is apparently not everyone is happy at the news of their friend getting engaged. I told some of my girlfriends and their retort was just "cool". Which is odd. These are girls I went to college with. We've done everything together for a while now. They know everything I've put on this blog and they were the first ones I told after Bolaji and I had only been dating for two months "I think he's the one". At first I was kinda like "ooookay?" but now I'm just over it. One of my closest friends just told me "you know what? no matter what their reaction was it doesn't change the fact that you're getting married!" LOL. I like that attitude and have adopted it.

Second, I was in shock for like the first day and then I just got happier and happier. That has been a wonderful surprise. And to think there's still tooons more of happy stuff to happen, it's amazing! I keep staring at my ring at odd hours of the day. I'll be going over a brief and just take two seconds to stop and stare at the thing and smile.

Third, in-laws! I love Bolaji's Dad. He's just like way cool. He's very brilliant, very knowledgeable but also quite approachable. Of course it helps that whenever he sees me he always goes "hey Kemi-babe" lol. Very cool dude. Now Bolaji's mom scares me so! Not that she's mean or anything like that towards me. It's just that she's kinda the backbone of everything so I'm afraid if I cross her, I'm just in for it, so I'm always so extra careful when I'm around her. Also Bolaji is veery close to his Mom, not in a Mama's boy kinda way (as i don't think his mother would even stand for that!) but they can sit and gist for hours and he tells her everything (or used to, i'm not sure anymore). But she's so sweet too, I don't know why I'm scared of her lol. She's also very well grounded in Christanity and very principled AND blunt, so you can imagine that's a deadly combo lol. Someone told me every girl should have a healthy dose of fear for her mother-in-law :-) Also I'm not quite sure what I should call them now. Bolaji says I should just ask them what they'd like to be called, I ran it by my mother and her response was "ABSOLUTELY NOT, they're your mom and dad and you call them mom and dad". She thinks asking them is rude, what do you guys think?

FOURTH, although Bolaji and I are looking at a bit of a long engagement, I'm already getting bits of wedding fever and it's only been a week! I've gotten mixed reactions on the long engagement thing. My mother is fervently praying that something comes up to put a wrench in that plan. The woman wants more grandbabies! :-) I just don't see how we could fit it in any shorter, between Bolaji's work, my work and travel, and planning for grad school, then us paying for our wedding ourselves. It seems impossible but we'll see. That being said, it's not stopping wedding fever from gripping me. I've already started looking into locations and things like that, mostly because Bolaji and I have decided to find approximate costs of 1st and 2nd options and then find which one fits better into our budget. I think I'd like to do that as soon as possible.

FIFTH, somehow having my ring makes me feel more like a woman. Like I've grown into myself. It's a bit odd as it's just a thing, a material thing. I don't know how to explain it, I just feel like wherever I go because I have this symbol on my finger I have to represent both of us in the best light possible. Before I didn't have that, I just walked about anyhow just being me but now I feel like anywhere I am and how I am is a reflection of Bolaji as well. This is exciting and new and different. Also I have this amazing feeling, like I'm just so excited about building a life with this person, all the experiences we're gonna have together, the rough times, the good times, the time my water breaks for our first child, when the last child graduates from college, our professional goals and dreams for ourselves being realized. I feel like a beautiful new phase in my life is now opened.

Last, God is good to me. He's faithful to me. I testify He's a good God.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

YAAAAAY!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009
:-)

I guess everyone can guess what i'm about to say....I'm engaged!!!! I have my lovely lovely diamond ring and I'm so unbelievably happy. Ok, should I give you the gist? Wait for it, wait for it... :-) ok, i'm just joking now, here it is:

So my babe calls me up friday night and says, "how do you feel about coming down to London?" I really hate to fly so I'm very reluctant about this idea. Besides, I thought he was gonna come down. He tells me that he tried to buy a ticket to where I am, but last minute found out that he needs a visa which he doesn't have so if we're to see each other, I'm gonna have to come down. I reluctantly agreed and he booked the ticket for first thing Saturday morning. Now knowing how i've been counting down and with all my false starts and everything driving me crazy, I just decided not to dwell very much on the ring and proposal, but just think of being with my baby! We've been apart for soo long now :-) and I missed him. Bolaji comes to meet me at the airport and I was so happy to see my boo! Really, he was clean shaven and I thought he looked so nice :-) Driving along, we come across this waterside with a long walkway (I really don't know where this is as I'm not a London native!), Bolaji stops the car and says he wants walk along the water cuz he has never been to that side of town before. Funny enough, with all my ring watch, I didn't even think anything of it. My fiance (hehehe) loves nature and hiking, and camping, and long walks and that sort so it wasn't really out of character for him. Plus, we had done just that many times before, driving then seeing a nice body of water and just stopping and walking along the water.

The only difference this time is I just got off the plane! I was a little bit tired and just soo not in the mood. lol. I kept on asking, why? Even half way I turned back and was like, i don't want to go anymore! He sha kept on urging me and then when we got to the end of the walkway he started saying all these things about how he wanted to take that long walk with me to symbolize how he wanted to share my journey of life with me, the ups and downs and everythng, and then he got down. At this point I couldn't say anything else, I was trying to get him to stand up, lol, like "what are you doing? get up, get up", lol. He was beautiful and it was beautiful. I love my babe/my boo/my boyfie/my fiance sooo much :-) being with him makes life fuller and easier and better. I did well ladies! I'm marrying a FABULOUS gentleman. I thank the Holy Father, God, I thank you soo much for leading me to this point, for leading me to this man. I exhalt your name because you are faithful and you have been faithful to me throughout my life. "To'o wo, ko de ri pe rere l'Oluwa"

I'm so happy. It's funny, my experience was that initially, I think I was in shock. So for much of the day, I just went about my business as usual, doing the mundane things. As in really mundane things o and several times during the day, I would just stop and I kept on saying, I can't believe it, I can't believe it. And now as I'm getting used to it all, I'm just so unbelievably happy. It's been getting better as the hours roll by. God is to be praised guys.

Here's a similar ring to mine, though not quite the same and I'm definitely not white :-) Enjoy!


Friday, June 19, 2009

Countdown? You Tell Me!

Friday, June 19, 2009
So I've completely calmed down. No more drama in my paradise, lol. Things have been really good.

Guess what? Bolaji is in London, like right now!!! I'm not in UK, but somewhere in the vicinity so he's very close. I tried asking him whether he would come and visit but he keeps saying he's on a very tight budget and most likely won't make it :o( I don't understand that though, it is relatively quite cheap to get from London to where I am and if someone's gonna fly alll the way from Lagos, what's the extra few pounds? Still, I guess I understand. I'm definitely the money-spender in this relationship lol, my babe saves (invests) 70% of his income, can you imagine that??? I've enjoyed that savings from from time to time so I'm not even gonna complain. I didn't even know he was going to travel. Some training course had come up and though he wanted to go, we discussed it and he said he wasn't going to be able to make it. And then all of a sudden last week, he said he was gonna come. And then, he said he was gonna spend some time looking around in dubai. Since Emirates is the cheapest airline to London from Lagos, he would just take the opportunity to visit dubai. Which is just weird but okay. I don't want to put the cart before the horse. I hope he's not going to dubai to buy ring, lol. Something about Dubai jewellry always seems off to me.

And thennnnn, we were randomly talking and he says "oh, your mom won't mind, i'm her favourite person in the world right now". So I'm like...hmmmm....I asked him why and he said "oh, I helped her run some errands at the bank". Okay....Anyway, so that's where you find me ooo. Juggling so many balls in the air. I have deadlines at work, writing essays for grad school, trying to sort out a medical issue, and driving myself crazy with my ring watch. So nerve wracking! lol.

How do people go through this stuff without loosing their minds?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Close Call/No One Tells You

Tuesday, June 16, 2009
How come no one tells you that relationships are a lot more than those Fabio-covered Hallequin romance novels?

I must have chosen a really interesting time for me to start this blog because my relationship right now keeps getting hit just from nowhere! But I'm glad to say we're fine and still ticking :-) If you will recall, a few posts ago, I mentioned that Bolaji and I had a little disagreement and I felt confused and he felt hurt? And then I updated with how we've kissed and made up? So just a couple of days ago, my babe calls me and says "how do you think our relationship is going?" Hmmm, with my heart racing I tell him what is in my heart. I'm thinking, what is he trying to get at? and the panic is building inside of me. See we always have what I call "relationship check-ins" that is when we just talk about our relationship so far and if there are anything either party does, or has done in recent times that are not so....endearing. I love this talks because we get to connect, and there's a chance to air out concerns or grievances in a calm, loving way. To anyone reading out there, COMMUNICATION IS KEY! I really believe in it.

Anyway, so after airing my mind to Bolaji, he takes a deep breath.....(suspense right?), he takes a deep breath and says, well, there are some things I've realized that I haven't dealt with. He goes on to tell me about something I said to him a while back. He said it's always stuck with him and he just wants to kinda talk about it and understand where I was coming from. After talking to him for a while I just started getting upset internally. Not because of anything he said, but I was wondering why did he have to bring this up now? why not a while ago? To make matters worse, I was so tired and it was truly late and I had an early morning the next day, so I just told him I wanted to go sleep. I knew that would create some tension as we've been very good with not "letting the sun set on anger". The next morning Bolaji emailed me and texted me but I just didn't feel like talking. I guess I was retreating to myself. Now if there's anything about my babe, he is not happy with just staying angry, he says that's not good enough and always wants to talk things through and figure it out. So he called me and called me and I finally picked up. He was sooo freaked out and worried that I was shutting him out and was thinking of ending the relationship.

I don't even know why I got really upset and confused at the conversation. I have no clue. I felt like I needed space and I have to admit I started to think to myself of why am I in this and am I happy, I can still break it off....all this weird thoughts. I know its not really about Bolaji, I don't know if it's the distance, this is the longest we've been apart. We just talked and he kept on reassuring me of his love and commitment and said "Baby, I want to be with you for the rest of my life". That made me smile. :-) I love him very much, I don't know where this freakout came from.

Anybody else out there, when your relationship became REALLY serious and it became evident that a proposal or marriage was in the offing soon, did you get nervous and freak out about it all? Two girlfriends of mine did so I know it's not so rare. But Bolaji did something really bad though during our conversation, he told me he had gone to his parents over the weekend to tell them he is going to propose to me. After that, I just went "la la la la i don't want to hear any more, no more, if it's about marriage, proposal, ring, i don't want to hear anymore". lol. He said before he proposed and I said yes and we began this journey, he just wanted to make sure it was started on a fresh footing and everything in his heart was out and everything in my heart was out, so nothing would be holding us back. Which is reasonable.

I was just thinking about it this morning though, isn't it true that when something good is about to happen in our lives, the devil just finds a way to mess it up? I have a great man whom I love, he loves me, we've had this wonderful relationship for the past 2 years and never had a fight really, never raised voices ever, and I've been wanting to marry and anxious for a ring and when it all seems about to happen, a freakout over something simple. I have to be extremely prayerful methinks.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Picture Show

Saturday, June 13, 2009
So I finally got off my butt and went out of my hotel room today. It was a nice beautiful day and I'm just so grateful to have this day off. It's quite serene and peaceful. I decided I was gonna do some running, just put on my joggers, grabbed my water bottle and ran. So I took some pics like I promised in my last post.

Here's the pic of the park adjacent to the hotel. The pictures aren't too clear cuz I was taking them with my mobile phone, but I still wanted to share of my beautiful day.



And this is the church that's on the other side of the park. I love this church because it's so small and cute and the doors are always open. The sun is messing up the pic though.



still on my way, I love these buildings cuz they seem so European.



Such a nice coastal town. After running for a little bit, I decided to just walk the rest of the way to the seaside. I saw two lovebirds by the edge of the water embracing and the guy kissed the girl's forehead. It made me miss my babe. Awww...



Now look how clear the water is! It's so beautiful, doesn't it make you want to go for a nice cool dip?



and then I saw these on my way back.



Ahh. So that's it! I promised and I delivered! I can't show too many pictures though so I don't reveal myself. Bolaji keeps threatening to go and look for or search for this blog. I told him about it, that I was starting it and I was going to write about our relationship, but I also made him vow not to ever go looking for it or to read it. lol. Today he was trying to use style for me and ask me leading questions but I refused to even answer any of them. I just want to be really honest on this blog and if he reads it I would feel so guarded. So sorry to my babe. :-)

Speaking of my babe (of course) I looove this song and everytime I hear it brings tears to my eyes. This is probably my favorite Beyonce song to date. I used to really like Dangerously In Love but this beats that for me. I just think of Bolaji and how special he makes me feel and how also he's my "saving grace". I'm sure Beyonce wrote this with JayZ in mind. Speaking of Beyonce & JayZ that's another couple I admire so maybe I'll do a post on them soon. But back to the matter at hand, If I'm getting married within the next two years, I think I'd like this song to be my first dance with my husband. It's so beautiful. As I was walking back today, I was just singing out loud. People must have thought I was crazy :-)!



Love Life. Love God. Love Your Neighbour.
 
Till My Dying Day © 2008. Design by Pocket