Ghosts of Days Past

I just had to blog about this.

So my ex got married recently. I'm connected to him on facebook and that's how I found out he was getting married and that's how I found link to his pics on my homepage. I flicked through the pictures and they were indeed quite beautiful. Both he and his bride looked beautiful, and happy, and content. What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of strong emotions that washed over me as I flicked through those pictures. I got a full sense of life and living and how strange it all is. Let me explain.

I met Femi when I was 18. I was a freshman in college and he was the cousin of one of my closest friends. We actually met ourselves online and then it progressed to MSN Messenger, then it progressed to phone calls, to late night marathon 5hr phone calls, to visits, etc. You get the point. We did not start dating until I was 21 and then we were together for 3 years. Femi was my absolute best friend and he was the man I grew up with. We were REALLY REALLY close and he was everything any girl would want. Very attentive, very affectionate, very thoughtful, VERY romantic, very protective, great listener, always said sorry at the right time, believed in my goals etc. I mean if you can imagine talking on the phone for about 4hrs each night (at least) for 6 years, then you can understand how close we were. Whenever we saw each other it was never enough. Then a funny thing happened. Femi is 6 years older than me and by the time I turned 23, he was turning 29, and he was so ready to get married. He was always a one-woman, monogamist kinda guy and he was ready to just settle down and build a family with the woman he loved. So on a beautiful evening, after dinner, Femi proposed to me. Red petals, live singer, and a beautiful ring in a champagne flute. I hugged him and we kissed and laughed but when we got home I sat him down and told him my answer was no. I wasn't ready to get married, I was still young, I had so much I wanted to do career wise, etc, and I just felt it was the age difference that was pushing him. So I told him I didn't think it was the right time. Femi took it in stride but it was only as our days continued that I started to realize things had changed for us. Looking back on it now, I know he was hurt deeply, as of course it would have been normal for him to feel. But I honestly, honestly was too young and mature to even know or understand what was going on really. We started to fight. Femi and I in the ENTIRE course of our relationship never really fought, yea we had disagreements but they were almost always resolved within minutes. But after the proposal we started to fight. Like real, blown-out fight. The last one I remember is one where we actually shouted at each other. He hung up, I hung up. Usually he would have called back within seconds but that time, nothing. Soon after we broke up.

It really was a hard break up, the kind where you sever all ties. Until just before Bolaji. He called and told me about his new girlfriend. He told me she was moving to the States to be with him. He told me it was getting serious. I just listened. A little while later he called again, said he was coming to the city I was in and he wanted to see me. We talked for a while on this phone call, about the old times, about my mistake and how I was young and basically that I wanted him back. I told him not to marry his girlfriend. I begged him not to propose. He said we'll see, we have to talk and he wants to see me when he comes. As fate would have it, on his trip we missed each other entirely, he lost his phone with my number, I lost his contact details (long story) and we missed each other until a few hours before his trip back. We ran into each other, embraced for a while and again reminisced about us wistfully. He told me point blank he was moving to Europe for a while and if we are to work, I'd have to consider moving there. He was rushing off and that's where we left it. I met Bolaji soon after and life swept me off in different directions. Truth be told, I was scared about making that last move to Femi and Bolaji became the right distraction at the right time (in the beginning).

So last year when Femi added me on facebook, I accepted. And then I saw that he was getting married soon. I took in a tight breath but steeled myself. I even sent him a congratulatory message.

But yesterday, he posted the link to his wedding pictures. I saw it and it all came back in a funny way. I have absolutely no doubts of my love for Bolaji, absolutely no doubts that he is my husband and my future, he is my soulmate and my heart. But I saw those pics and they did something to me. Femi was a good guy to me. He was loving, kind, and he was good to me. He still looks exactly like the guy who loved me and would move the earth for me. He still looked like the guy I would call and talk to every night for 6 years. He looked the same. but he was different.

I'm different.

Life's funny that way. Wherever Femi and his bride are I wish them the very best of life, love, laughter, and happiness. Even if he is half as good to her as he was to me, they'd be solid for ever, and if she's makes half an effort more than I did then they'd be perfect forever. I pray God heals me completely, fully, from the feeling of wistfulness and loss, and mistake, more than I had thought he had before.

I had to share this here so it would be therapeutic for me. Don't worry I've already spoken to my babe about this!!! :-) I'm gonna blog more and soon about the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life recently. I can't wait till December 2010 oh, I've told my babe, he and I are gonna celebrate passing through this very exciting but chaotic time in our lives.

Oh, and three more months till my engagement, so let the countdown begin! By the way anyone have ideas as to what I should be doing? I haven't done anything yet for this engagement that's happening o...thanks for all your help!