Ghosts of Days Past

I just had to blog about this.

So my ex got married recently. I'm connected to him on facebook and that's how I found out he was getting married and that's how I found link to his pics on my homepage. I flicked through the pictures and they were indeed quite beautiful. Both he and his bride looked beautiful, and happy, and content. What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of strong emotions that washed over me as I flicked through those pictures. I got a full sense of life and living and how strange it all is. Let me explain.

I met Femi when I was 18. I was a freshman in college and he was the cousin of one of my closest friends. We actually met ourselves online and then it progressed to MSN Messenger, then it progressed to phone calls, to late night marathon 5hr phone calls, to visits, etc. You get the point. We did not start dating until I was 21 and then we were together for 3 years. Femi was my absolute best friend and he was the man I grew up with. We were REALLY REALLY close and he was everything any girl would want. Very attentive, very affectionate, very thoughtful, VERY romantic, very protective, great listener, always said sorry at the right time, believed in my goals etc. I mean if you can imagine talking on the phone for about 4hrs each night (at least) for 6 years, then you can understand how close we were. Whenever we saw each other it was never enough. Then a funny thing happened. Femi is 6 years older than me and by the time I turned 23, he was turning 29, and he was so ready to get married. He was always a one-woman, monogamist kinda guy and he was ready to just settle down and build a family with the woman he loved. So on a beautiful evening, after dinner, Femi proposed to me. Red petals, live singer, and a beautiful ring in a champagne flute. I hugged him and we kissed and laughed but when we got home I sat him down and told him my answer was no. I wasn't ready to get married, I was still young, I had so much I wanted to do career wise, etc, and I just felt it was the age difference that was pushing him. So I told him I didn't think it was the right time. Femi took it in stride but it was only as our days continued that I started to realize things had changed for us. Looking back on it now, I know he was hurt deeply, as of course it would have been normal for him to feel. But I honestly, honestly was too young and mature to even know or understand what was going on really. We started to fight. Femi and I in the ENTIRE course of our relationship never really fought, yea we had disagreements but they were almost always resolved within minutes. But after the proposal we started to fight. Like real, blown-out fight. The last one I remember is one where we actually shouted at each other. He hung up, I hung up. Usually he would have called back within seconds but that time, nothing. Soon after we broke up.

It really was a hard break up, the kind where you sever all ties. Until just before Bolaji. He called and told me about his new girlfriend. He told me she was moving to the States to be with him. He told me it was getting serious. I just listened. A little while later he called again, said he was coming to the city I was in and he wanted to see me. We talked for a while on this phone call, about the old times, about my mistake and how I was young and basically that I wanted him back. I told him not to marry his girlfriend. I begged him not to propose. He said we'll see, we have to talk and he wants to see me when he comes. As fate would have it, on his trip we missed each other entirely, he lost his phone with my number, I lost his contact details (long story) and we missed each other until a few hours before his trip back. We ran into each other, embraced for a while and again reminisced about us wistfully. He told me point blank he was moving to Europe for a while and if we are to work, I'd have to consider moving there. He was rushing off and that's where we left it. I met Bolaji soon after and life swept me off in different directions. Truth be told, I was scared about making that last move to Femi and Bolaji became the right distraction at the right time (in the beginning).

So last year when Femi added me on facebook, I accepted. And then I saw that he was getting married soon. I took in a tight breath but steeled myself. I even sent him a congratulatory message.

But yesterday, he posted the link to his wedding pictures. I saw it and it all came back in a funny way. I have absolutely no doubts of my love for Bolaji, absolutely no doubts that he is my husband and my future, he is my soulmate and my heart. But I saw those pics and they did something to me. Femi was a good guy to me. He was loving, kind, and he was good to me. He still looks exactly like the guy who loved me and would move the earth for me. He still looked like the guy I would call and talk to every night for 6 years. He looked the same. but he was different.

I'm different.

Life's funny that way. Wherever Femi and his bride are I wish them the very best of life, love, laughter, and happiness. Even if he is half as good to her as he was to me, they'd be solid for ever, and if she's makes half an effort more than I did then they'd be perfect forever. I pray God heals me completely, fully, from the feeling of wistfulness and loss, and mistake, more than I had thought he had before.

I had to share this here so it would be therapeutic for me. Don't worry I've already spoken to my babe about this!!! :-) I'm gonna blog more and soon about the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life recently. I can't wait till December 2010 oh, I've told my babe, he and I are gonna celebrate passing through this very exciting but chaotic time in our lives.

Oh, and three more months till my engagement, so let the countdown begin! By the way anyone have ideas as to what I should be doing? I haven't done anything yet for this engagement that's happening o...thanks for all your help!

10 Facts About My Beloved

Just like my blog is devoted to the king of my heart, my beau, my boo, my sweetheart, my love, this little post is also devoted to Bolaji. I have never ever been more sure of anything as I'm so sure that you are my man, my partner, the own whom God created for me to love. So before much mushness ado, let's get to 10 facts about my beloved.

1. I am the first black person Bolaji has ever dated. Nope, not Nigerian person, but black person. But don't be alarmed, I'm only the second person he's ever dated. Now I don't know if that's caused much more commotion than the first! Trust me, I was somewhat perplexed when he first told me as well but it made me appreciate and understand him more. As selfish as it is I'm glad he's not that playboy that everyone has had a go with.
2. My babe does not watch sports. He's pretty much not into ANY sport. Oh he enjoys the occasional game or two and somehow between the BBC World and the London Times websites he keeps up with current happenings, but he just is not fussed about the whole thing which is a good thing for me! Bonus: Bo also does not play video games. He'll watch if others, read "the boys" are playing but he doesn't know how to play and he's not very interested in learning. I think it makes him feel silly, lol. Case in point, recently we went out to a friend's house party and while the boys were all so engrossed in the new FIFA, my babe kept on going back and forth between the living room and the dining room where I was watching "Why Did I Get Married". I'm sure he'd rather be sailing.
3. Bolaji doesn't watch TV. We have a TV in the house because I pestered him to buy one but we haven't watched it in about 4 months. I am a TV addict, and I love my E! Entertainment but since I haven't had the chance to go pay for DSTV since I've been back from Europe, the TV has been useless. I can tell you it's the LAST thing on his mind. He's just weird like that.
4. My boo went to public school England. This experience impacted him so much and is really why he is the man today. He's so open to life and to experiences and we share that bond together.
5. Bo and my father went to the same high school in Nigeria. Yes like eons apart, but same high school and apparently the same Residence hall. How strange is that
6. I am marrying a man who doesn't like his alcohol. Bo will have one or two drinks here and there but 8 times out of 10 he'd just rather have a coke or a tonic. Meanwhile when I'm in party mode, I'm in party mode u know, but even with me slightly tipsy, my boo is equally as high, but on life not vodka and red bull, lol. I respect this so much about him. He threw a challenge at me once and said to be in full control of your life you need to be able to have fun without ANY intoxication, that's TRUE fun. Have a drink because you want to but not because it enhances your fun.
7. Bolaji's favorite past time right now is sailing. I didn't say yachting o, I meant sailing. So those "boats" that have like only two paddles and people are hanging off the sides? Yes, my boo loves the sport. It gives him a rush anytime he's preparing to go sailing. There are some days that we have errands to run on Saturday and I hate seeing his eyes light up and then go back down when I remind him he can't go sailing this weekend because we have to go check out wedding invites. :-(
8. Every morning I'm woken up with a flurry of kisses. I don't mean a brisk peck, but I mean about 20/30 little kisses. I love that my babe does this because I wake up feeling so loved and cherished.
9. This one is a non-pleasant one lol! Bolaji is a public farter. Let me explain. In my house we grew up with the rule that unless you're in the toilet and/or on the toilet seat, and so long as there's someone else around you that can either hear or smell your fart, just hold it in or excuse yourself and go to the toilet. Obviously this memo did not get on Bo's desk, he farts whenever and wherever the mood hits him. Thankfully he isn't a public farter in the sense that I can't even go places with him, but I'm the public too and he shouldn't let one big one rip while we're both sipping wine in the living room, lol. I'm still working on him with this one.
10. Bolaji is the most thoughtful and caring person I know. He's one of those people that if they're shopping in a store and say carry a magazine that they wanted to buy and then decided against it, will walk all the way back to where the picked up the magazine and arrange it neatly back. I on the other hand can just leave whatever it is wherever I am but whenever I do this, Bo will stop, pick it up, and return it!

Ok whew! I thought I wouldn't make it to 10 but this has been a really good exercise. I was at work and really missing my boo and came up with this nice idea to get me writing and not missing my fiance. And to think we'll be seeing each other in another three and a half hours...

No Matter What

no matter what i'm gonna marry the man of my dreams
no matter what i'm gonna walk down that aisle in my dress
no matter what i'll have love and family surrounding me
no matter what i'm gonna shimmy and shimmy on that dance floor
no matter what i'm gonna forget you didn't like it all
no matter what i won't look at you and be upset that you end up having fun
no matter what i'm gonna wake up that morning and be grateful for the day
no matter what my ceremony will be outside with a Methodist minister
no matter what my vendors will respect me and not email YOU
no matter what i will feel the love of my lost ones
no matter what i wont get upset and loose site of why i'm here
no matter what my man, my babe, my fiance and i will see it through
no matter what at the end of the day it will be me and him, hand in hand
no matter what our love will endure your pettiness
no matter what we will grow stronger through this
no matter what
NO MATTER WHAT!

All Cried Out

I spent this past weekend crying. I cried so much on Friday and then Saturday I was crying intermittently and then Sunday it got better but there were still times that the tears welled up.

My wedding may be postponed.

My wedding may not happen.

I have been having so much troubles with Bolaji's parents that I don't know the head or tail of it all. Since my relationship started I've tried to do everything the way my mother taught me, respectfully and cheerfully. To be myself at all times and to respect their opinions and principles while not loosing mine. But now I'm starting to get the sinking feeling that they just don't want me in their son's life at all. For whatever reason. They have made EVERY single decision we've made as a couple very difficult. The most excitement I've ever gotten from them both was "so how is planning coming". That is it. The day Bolaji and I got engaged I called my mom and she was so very excited, screaming on the phone and everything, praying for us and congratulating us. When we called Bolaji's parents, his mom refused to get on the phone and the first thing out of his father's mouth was "engagement is not wedding". And that was it. I was upset but Bolaji told me to brush it off that his parents are just not communicative. I feel this was my biggest mistake. If I had known at the time I would have known how to react and I would have insisted on the long engagement both Bolaji and I planned.

We picked our dates over two months ago. Actually, my mom picked the dates and we communicated to Bolaji's parents right at the time and the thoughts and considerations that went it. They wrote it down and agreed. Last week Bolaji's parents informed us they were going on vacation to the same country we had chosen for our destination wedding. We didn't say anything about this because they had mentioned something about it a while ago. We even drove them to the airport and they said nothing. On thursday they randomly send us an email that they will be going to visit our venue since they were already there. I had no problems with this and gave Bolaji the go ahead on that. Later thursday evening, they send us another email saying they had gone to the venue, spoken to the coordinator and that we should be expecting some documents from the coordinator soon. WHAT? apparently they had also gone to a chapel in that same city looking around for the pastor there (this bit is random as we are not even having an indoor ceremony!). And for the final piece de resistance: they think we should change the traditional date because we would be tempted to have sex after the traditional ceremony. WHAT??? so Bolaji sends them back an email saying very politiely that it is almost impossible to change the dates as venues have been booked and all family members alerted. We hear nothing until Friday afternoon, my mom forwards me an email that they had sent to her, essentially rubbishing every single decision and choice we've made about the wedding, and exaggerating a lot of facts. Even worse, the email sounded like they were not aware of all our plans, which they are!!! We even gave them a breakdown budget of all the cost elements of the wedding. My mom was very upset because after Bolaji proposed to me, it took them 1 month and a half to actually call my mother, and when they did they spent 5 minutes on the phone and before hanging up my mom heard them say, "hopefully Bolaji is happy now and will stop bugging us about calling". After the initial 5min phone call FOUR MONTHS AGO, Bolaji's parents have not picked up the phone or even emailed or texted my mom. Until now when they email her saying they want to change the date of the engagement to prevent us from having sex BETWEEN the engagement and the white wedding. Please keep in mind that our court wedding is before the engagement o.

Bolaji suspect that maybe they don't want him to marry me. They've never said anything of the sort to him yet but the whole thing reminds him of his last relationship which ended because of the great pressure from his parents to break up with the girl. If that's the case I need to know now before I make decisions a little too late. They just haven't been welcoming to me. They've been very standoff-ish, as if they are just tolerating me or are waiting to see. They've never showed excitement about the wedding. Me I'm just tired. I only want to go where I'm wanted and barring that, then unfortunately we would have to start our young family remaining distant in their lives.

I cried and cried and even now I get upset when I think of it.

I think I'm going to password this blog.

So anyway, no new wedding update. Bolaji wants to postpone it all. I want to postpone it all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

My birthday was last week and I've just turned 20-something, lol! Boy time does fly by so fast doesn't it? I'm quite very close to my thirties now and all of a sudden I'm feeling mature, wiser, and old-enough (to do damn near e'rythang!). Usually I'm one of those people who has to celebrate every birthday in some way shape or form, but this year there wasn't much of a celebration. Bolaji and I are in seriously saving mode for the wedding so every celebration is quite muted. Earlier in the month we celebrated our anniversary and in times past we would have gone out to a really fancy expensive restaurant and bought it each other all kinds of gifts, but this year we just went out to a nice little Italian restaurant here and had a quiet time of it. We have a little tradition we started which is that I get a new Jewel By Lisa outfit on my birthdays (great tradition right? I love JBL) but this year I just told my babe to hold off on the JBL for now, later when we have a bit more cash he can buy for me. I could tell from his eyes that he was really appreciative of my thoughtfulness and he promised to get me something really fabulous once the wedding/rent bonanza next year is done.

Even though my birthday wasn't filled with monetary abandon, I still managed to pack in a lot of fun. Hung out with friends and family and took in a few concerts that had me sleeping late for most of the week and just completely exhausted by the end of the week. Bolaji was joking around with me saying that it's because I'm old and don't I know that the body is not like it was before? He's a joker jo. At the end of my birthday, my babe went to buy me suya and Moet Nectare Rose and we opened up the suya on the bonnet of my car, a few of my very close friends were with us and we just stood outside in the parking lot at Oceanview Restaurant eating suya and drinking champagne out of plastic cups and even though that wasn't very glamourous I was very happy in that moment and had everything I coulda ever wanted.

Speaking of getting old there's something that has been tugging around in my mind for a while now. I spoke to the fiance about it and it didn't seem to freak him out as I though it would but it kinda freaks me out. I think I'm hearing my clock ticking, and the ticking is just getting louder and louder even. It has always been a desire of mine to have at least my first child before I'm thirty, I just didn't think thirty would come so quickly! I don't know maybe it's because I'm getting married and I'm going through all these changes emotionally and psychologically that I'm feeling this way. I've learnt since getting engaged the true meaning of the saying "life is in seasons". The season of childhood is there, then the season of being a student, then the season of being a young single person working and making your own money, etc. You never think of it being so different at least I never did, but boy accepting that ring and putting it on your finger ushers in a whole brand new season of life. It's been fun many times, it's also been challenging a few times. You can almost forget how life was in the previous 'season', like for me my life now is SO VERY MUCH DIFFERENT from my life as a single, carefree woman. And I'm not just talking of getting engaged, but when I was truly a single young woman, working and living in Lagos. Now I have my soon-to-be husband to think of and take care of, I have my in-laws, even my relationship with my siblings has transformed. Now I also think about building a home, building a family, laying foundations for our future, and yes of course, thinking about children. This is not a bad thing. Everything you've done in your life as a child growing up, as a young adult has been to prepare you for this particular season. In this season, you TRULY start living.

I look at Bolaji sometimes and I am just so proud of who he has become just as we embark on this journey of life together. When I met my babe he didn't even believe in marriage AND he wasn't too fussed about ever having kids. He actually told me in his words, he could see himself growing old without kids and maybe just co-habiting with a partner. Knowing my babe I know he felt that way at that time simply because those things were so out of scope for him that he just couldn't picture it really. He had just moved out of his home for the first time ever and his fridge was full of food his mother had made for him. He was very much a carefree, high-flying, workaholic, bachelor banker. You wouldn't look at the man and think, ok, the man is ready for a commitment such as that of marriage. But over the years it's like he's blossomed and grown so much into a man. He takes care of me even! Every responsibility that's been thrown at him he's taken it in stride without looking back without complaining. He has changed seasons right in front of my eyes. Anyway let me digress here...back to what I was saying, my clock has been ticking. I told the fiance as much and he just said, "yea?". We've been saving so much for the wedding/rent bonanza that we're also looking forward to October next year when we can start treating ourselves a little bit more, we want to travel a bit etc. Now what that means is that I have to find a way to keep the ticking on mute for a few years. I don't know how I'm gonna do that and we'll see how it works out sha.


Wedding Update!

So I booked my venue this week which is very very exciting! I've also commissioned my dress and I'm currently building our wedding website which is very important as we are having a destination wedding and I'll like to give people as much time and info as they need so they can plan ahead. My colours are apple green, black, and white. What do you think? Green is my favorite color and I think black and white gives that clean, crisp, and classy look. I'm having trouble picking a dress for my bridesmaids though and will need help so if you guys come across nice options that would match my color scheme please pass them along. I'll be booking my photographer and florist next week. As for the trad (which is in 5 months!!!), I am entirely clueless. I think I'm going to go asoebi shopping with my cousin in October, then aso-oke shopping in November, I'm booking my hall next week though so that's good. The traditional is a bit hard to plan without my mother being here so I'm not sure where to go and who does what etc. I am starting to get very excited about it all though!

Bittersweet Homecoming

I'm so upset right now I'm not quite sure what to do or how to behave. What's interesting though is that my blog family is really becoming like family because one of the things I thought of when trying to figure out how to cool down is that I should bring it here knowing that I would get good advice here.

Let me tell the whole story so it'll make sense a little bit. My family is odd. Not in an extremely odd way but you know in that way that I'm convinced everybody thinks their own family is especially...different. On my mom's family there are TONS of them and they do everything together. If you can think of the quintessential happy-go-lucky Yoruba family, that's my mom's family. They do family die, lol. My Dad's family on the other hand, well, they are just special. Suffice it to say that they just kinda prefer to live their lives with a loose, sometimes thin, awareness of kinship. Nothing serious. Their wahala and drama CAN be so much that the best method everyone employs is to just be cordial at best and keep it moving. Which I kinda like anyway. So what's the point of all this family history? In the course of my relationship with Bolaji, it's only natural then that Bolaji has interacted so much with my mom's side of the family. Like they know him and he knows them and everything is good. However my favorite cousins and the ones that we hung out with most often while i was growing up are from my Dad's side of the family. In fact my FAVORITE cousin bar none, just had his second child and the last time I saw him or his wife and first child was at the naming ceremony of their first.

Okay so for about two weeks now I've been telling Bolaji, please I want us to go visit my cousin and his family o. I kept on saying it and saying it and we planned it for today. This was two weeks ago. I even told one of my cousins and she said she will come along that she will come to the house early this morning, we'll go to church together and then go to my cousin's house together. I ran it by Bolaji and everything was set for today. You should also know that this my cousin lives on the same street as my family house (my father's house) which has been locked up for a while and I was supposed to go and open and air it out but I haven't had the time for so long and to top it off, Bolaji had never been there before. I had told him many times that it meant something to me for us to go there and know my house abi? also I'm thinking of having our traditional at the house but I wanted to get his opinion because he would have a clearer eye as to whether we can actually do the ceremony there. (trust me the place is far and hasn't been lived in for over 12 years!!!). So we had planned this whole day.

Bolaji on the other hand, takes polo lessons had been telling me about the squad championships on Saturday (yesterday) for a while too. We just thought okay we'll have a busy weekend it seems, you have polo championships on saturday and we'll go visit my cousin and see the house on sunday. Everything was set and honestly I had been looking forward to this weekend all week! Yesterday coming back from polo, Bolaji tells me..."I'm sorry I didn't know but Polo championships are for two days and will continue tomorrow" of course meaning he's gonna cancel on our (my) sunday. I was soo bummed and I told him so, it put a damper on my spirit. Later on in the evening I'm talking to one of his team mates and he says to me "Bolaji was really great today, do you think he'll be able to make it tomorrow?" But he says it in a way that makes me think it wasn't all THAT compulsory for him to be there. He could have backed out! This made me even more upset like you knew how important this was to me and you obviously and consciously decided to choose Polo over our plans.

We didn't argue or anything, in fact we went out with some friends and partied and had fun but everytime i thought of it I got kinda sad and upset (not you know, anger o, just upset). When we got back home, I called him and just told him that I had to bare my feelings. The minute I told him, the whole emotion was just let out of the bag and I was so down the rest of the night. Bolaji usually hugs and kisses me every morning before he gets up but he said this morning he tried to hug me and I just turned to the other side (i don't remember doing this by the way) so we talked about it again and I told him that I felt hurt and disappointed and felt like because he wasn't too jazzed about going to my family's it was very easy for him to commit himself to the second day when he should have just told them he couldn't make it because of family commitments. I also felt that if it was something he considered important he wouldn't have blown it off easily, like work, or some other thing HE wanted to do but since it was me, it was easily brushed off. Also I told him about the rule we have: We don't do any extended family runs alone (or parent runs for that matter), the other person (spouse) has to come along. Always. We talked about it and everything, and he's gone now, but I just am so down and can't shake the feeling. I know he has apologized and he has said he's sorry he made a mistake and he'll learn from it and not do that again. I accept that. What else can I ask of him abi? He's said what he SHOULD say. But still I'm finding that that is not wiping the disappointment from me. I keep trying to tell myself he just made a mistake and i'm his fiancee and I should forgive his mistake and move on from it but in my heart I'm still down. I really wanted him to come since it would be the first time he would be meeting anyone from my father's side of the family.

Ah well. I have to just learn to stop holding on to hurt especially if the person has sincerely apologized. But it's hard and I'm praying to God to help me.

WORK WORK WORK

Hello Blog Family! The following pictures accurately depict my last two weeks:






To say that work has been crazy is an understatement. Two of our clients at work decided last minute to accelerate their timeline as a result of something else that was going on so everybody was on extra stressed work time alert. I can tell you that save the past two days (it has taken me two days to come back to normal!), i mean during the past two weeks I think I probably slept a total of 20hrs that is 10 hour each week. I think that was my average. I'm just very glad things have eased up a bit and I can finally update my blog!

Yes where did I leave off? Ok, yes. Bolaji has found out but he's promised in quite an earnest fashion that he wont come on the blog again, like EVER. I believe him. So that wasn't the reason for the lapse in posting. Generally we've been good! Last week was our anniversary and I'm so happy to have this wonderful man in my life. :-) But I just have to tell y'all, that boy doesn't know romance if it hits him over the face haha. My babe tries and when he does do something sweet, it is usually at a time unexpected by me. Our anniversary comes and because I know he is not the romantic type I've been hinting him for about two weeks before the date. Just subtle hints about how this particular one is so special to me and how I want to do something special. First off, my fiance is an investment banker. If you don't understand the full implications of this, check out this website: DABA. The website is highly satirical but some core elements are there like bankers notoriously are married to their job and their time availability follows this. If a banker sets a date for Friday at 7pm, the probability is higher than normal that he'll have to cancel, he'll have to push the time back, or he'll show up late. We know this and we just love them despite it all! Back to our anniversary, Bolaji's boss schedules a meeting for 7pm! Story short, my boo and I go on our romantic dinner around 10pm. Couple the banker lifestyle with my fiance's lack of knowledge about romance and you get a pretty normal anniversary! He is cute though because after that we went to walk by the water, hand in hand and just talking the night away, talking about our love, our marriage, our future, our kids. It was nice. Normal, but very nice. I love my babe, he's my rock and my light. I truly don't understand why people wouldn't want this if they can? I have friends who say they're not looking. They are very happy being by themselves. And I just think about my babe and his love for me, I can't imagine giving that away. This is an absolute journey, a trip, and we're gonna go it hand in hand.