One of my favorite book titles is called On Beauty by Zadie Smith, and even though I still have not gotten around to completing the book, I do think it's a fantastic title. Like the beginning of a conversation, or a telling of sorts. So since the breaks here are getting wider and wider, I'll use that same format.
On Life in General
I'm in a decent place with life. I feel like I have a good grasp on what to expect and what not to expect out of people, out of situations, out of life. I'm finally comfortable and confident with that. It's different from the younger days where one's head was in the clouds and the paths to this or that seemed like such a straight line, a straight story. However life is not like that. The beauty of life is that it can be unpredictable so one has to be flexible. This is a lesson to learn and I'm finally in a peaceful place about this.
Over the last few years, all stemming from my wedding period, I've had to evaluate what friendship and family means to me. There were friends who showed themselves to not be very friendly and there were family members who it became obvious wanted me to fail than to be happy and healthy. Also after marriage I immensely enjoyed new friendships forged with women who were also newly married and going through the same stage as I am. That, surprisingly, has been short lived. I'm finding that that entire period really has a rapidly approaching expiry date on it. I really enjoyed it but now, as I move further and further away from my actual wedding date, those friendships based on the craziness of that period are becoming less relevant to me now. I'm also learning that this is okay. All of this has allowed me to know exactly what I want in a friend and I'm now getting to a point that the people that are around me now, many of whom are new friends, are more in line with who I am fundamentally. It's a little bit about common phases in life, and common experiences, but more and more it's more about shared outlook on life in general. This is good.
Speaking of friendships, I'm currently in a place where I cherish, absolutely cherish the company of other women. I know many ladies tend to be apprehensive about other women, some even defensive, but I've found that I really cherish hanging out with other women. We have so much thrown at us, so much to consider, so much responsibility. I'm just amazed, proud and genuinely interested in each of our stories. I also believe it's important we validate ourselves and we are kind to one another. Everyone needs a little help, and it's just that much more challenging being a Nigerian woman living in Nigeria. So much is expected of you. We should be kind to each other.
On Having a Baby
Bo and I have decided not to have kids for a few more YEARS. In some ways this has been a hard decision but in many other ways, it's been an easy decision. I'm currently working on a work project and it just dawned on me that I am so much more excited about this project than I am about expanding our unit of two. Like significantly more excited, fired up. I think I've suspected it for a while but I've finally come to peace about the fact that I'm just not a very maternal person. I have so much pressure from all sides: mothers, friends, medical, but at the end of it all this is my life and I only have one to live. I have a responsibility to myself, and to my husband, to pursue and follow my instincts and my gut. My gut says, establish yourself, then establish your home. Truth is, being CEO of a business that is successful, adds to the economy, and employs tons of Nigerians, is more important to me than being a mother right now. It certainly isn't so for everyone but I have to be honest with myself, it is so for me. And this is a hard thing for me to admit and even as I type this, I want to go back and delete the words but I delete from the screen does not mean I can delete from my heart. It's even harder as everyone around me pastes pics of their growing babies, or even as they start the journey as parents of TWO. They have gone so far beyond what my brain can comprehend :-) Their lives seem so different from mine.
My marriage is the biggest blessing in my life. It is everything and more all at the same time. I am so lucky. I have a home that is happy, and peaceful, and filled with love, support, and kind words. I would like to say though I think increasingly it is important to look for a partner with a genuinely good heart. Someone who is a good person and whose walk in faith is very important to them. I really think that is the secret, everything else is rubbish regardless of what anyone may have you believe. You will know when someone is a good person with a good heart when you see them, they are selfless, they are caring, they want to be helpful, they are are respectful, they are kind, even to those who aren't kind to them. You will know because they do everything to live peaceably with all men. Once you find someone like that, be good to them as well and they will cherish and love you all their days. The hard part of learning to love is learning to love someone's imperfections: not sexy enough, not yellow enough, not buff enough, fat, short, smelly breath, bad kisser, bad dresser, etc etc. Those things are cosmetic and by the very law of nature, all those guys that have all those things tend to know they are hot commodity and are less likely to be kind genuine souls. So give it up. The way Bo dresses now is completely, completely different from how he used to dress when I met him. It wasn't even deliberate on my part, but as part of building our lives together I'm just always there when he shops and he asks for my opinion and I give it - meaning slowly his style has involved into something heavily influenced by me. I would hate to think I missed out on the happiness I have now in my marriage because I thought he was an awful dresser. Take a leap of faith on the nice guy!
Pic of Diezani Alison-Madueke's mother - She's been dragged into the whole mess...
4 hours ago