Friday, October 19, 2012

On Everything

Friday, October 19, 2012
One of my favorite book titles is called On Beauty by Zadie Smith, and even though I still have not gotten around to completing the book, I do think it's a fantastic title.  Like the beginning of a conversation, or a telling of sorts.  So since the breaks here are getting wider and wider, I'll use that same format.

On Life in General
I'm in a decent place with life.  I feel like I have a good grasp on what to expect and what not to expect out of people, out of situations, out of life.  I'm finally comfortable and confident with that.  It's different from the younger days where one's head was in the clouds and the paths to this or that seemed like such a straight line, a straight story.  However life is not like that.  The beauty of life is that it can be unpredictable so one has to be flexible.  This is a lesson to learn and I'm finally in a peaceful place about this.

Over the last few years, all stemming from my wedding period, I've had to evaluate what friendship and family means to me.  There were friends who showed themselves to not be very friendly and there were family members who it became obvious wanted me to fail than to be happy and healthy.  Also after marriage I immensely enjoyed new friendships forged with women who were also newly married and going through the same stage as I am.  That, surprisingly, has been short lived.  I'm finding that that entire period really has a rapidly approaching expiry date on it.  I really enjoyed it but now, as I move further and further away from my actual wedding date, those friendships based on the craziness of that period are becoming less relevant to me now.  I'm also learning that this is okay.  All of this has allowed me to know exactly what I want in a friend and I'm now getting to a point that the people that are around me now, many of whom are new friends, are more in line with who I am fundamentally.  It's a little bit about common phases in life, and common experiences, but more and more it's more about shared outlook on life in general.  This is good.

Speaking of friendships, I'm currently in a place where I cherish, absolutely cherish the company of other women.  I know many ladies tend to be apprehensive about other women, some even defensive, but I've found that I really cherish hanging out with other women.  We have so much thrown at us, so much to consider, so much responsibility.  I'm just amazed, proud and genuinely interested in each of our stories.  I also believe it's important we validate ourselves and we are kind to one another.  Everyone needs a little help, and it's just that much more challenging being a Nigerian woman living in Nigeria.  So much is expected of you.  We should be kind to each other.

On Having a Baby
Bo and I have decided not to have kids for a few more YEARS.  In some ways this has been a hard decision but in many other ways, it's been an easy decision.  I'm currently working on a work project and it just dawned on me that I am so much more excited about this project than I am about expanding our unit of two.  Like significantly more excited, fired up.  I think I've suspected it for a while but I've finally come to peace about the fact that I'm just not a very maternal person.  I have so much pressure from all sides: mothers, friends, medical, but at the end of it all this is my life and I only have one to live.  I have a responsibility to myself, and to my husband, to pursue and follow my instincts and my gut.  My gut says, establish yourself, then establish your home.  Truth is, being CEO of a business that is successful, adds to the economy, and employs tons of Nigerians, is more important to me than being a mother right now.  It certainly isn't so for everyone but I have to be honest with myself, it is so for me.  And this is a hard thing for me to admit and even as I type this, I want to go back and delete the words but I delete from the screen does not mean I can delete from my heart.  It's even harder as everyone around me pastes pics of their growing babies, or even as they start the journey as parents of TWO.  They have gone so far beyond what my brain can comprehend :-)  Their lives seem so different from mine.

On Marriage
My marriage is the biggest blessing in my life.  It is everything and more all at the same time.  I am so lucky.  I have a home that is happy, and peaceful, and filled with love, support, and kind words.  I would like to say though I think increasingly it is important to look for a partner with a genuinely good heart.  Someone who is a good person and whose walk in faith is very important to them.  I really think that is the secret, everything else is rubbish regardless of what anyone may have you believe.  You will know when someone is a good person with a good heart when you see them, they are selfless, they are caring, they want to be helpful, they are are respectful, they are kind, even to those who aren't kind to them.  You will know because they do everything to live peaceably with all men.  Once you find someone like that, be good to them as well and they will cherish and love you all their days.  The hard part of learning to love is learning to love someone's imperfections: not sexy enough, not yellow enough, not buff enough, fat, short, smelly breath, bad kisser, bad dresser, etc etc.  Those things are cosmetic and by the very law of nature, all those guys that have all those things tend to know they are hot commodity and are less likely to be kind genuine souls.  So give it up.  The way Bo dresses now is completely, completely different from how he used to dress when I met him.  It wasn't even deliberate on my part, but as part of building our lives together I'm just always there when he shops and he asks for my opinion and I give it - meaning slowly his style has involved into something heavily influenced by me.  I would hate to think I missed out on the happiness I have now in my marriage because I thought he was an awful dresser.  Take a leap of faith on the nice guy!


Deep Soul said...

I just got married a few weeks ago and my husband is the most horrible dresser I've come across on the face of this earth (ok, slight exaggeration but not far from the truth :D). Before we got married, that was one of the things I didn't like about him and thought I couldn't stand....but now, I see how irrelevant that is in the face of REAL things. P.S: I still hate his horrible dressing tho, but thanks for reminding me that all hope is not lost ;)

I also relate with the part about friendship with other women :)

The part I DONT relate with is not having the maternal instinct. Lil babies gimme d butterflies, I just can't help it. But then, I do TOTALLY understand where you are right now....being a mother is a HUGE task...and realizing you aren't ready for it shows a great deal of responsibility

Fluffycutething said...

i must say your ability to constantly be in charge of your decisions and indeed life simply marvels me. Maybe it was how you were raised? Or just a strength you developed along the way?

i pray things continue to work out well for you and your Bo ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow, thanks for sharing your heart in this post I am a new follower so maybe this is how you are and I am just experiencing it but either way, I love it. I am so glad you did not delete those comments about not wanting children right now, I believe there is nothing wrong with it. You know your desires and I believe with God's direction at the right time, you and your husband will decide to have children. I realized what you said about nice guys yesterday, we sometimes focus on the media standard of what the ideal guy looks like but a good man is a good man despite his looks or how he dresses.

MPB said...

Another insightful post. Does this mean you will be blogging even less frequently since you have a big wonderful work project coming up? nooooo, i hope u still find time for us.

Anonymous said...

Go Bo-Kem :)

I like the way you write...

Myne Whitman said...

I wish you guys the best. I am inspired by you and just had to say so, maybe I've said it before too :)

Good luck with the project.

Vic said...

Your posts inspire me...thank you

Uloms said...

You know what? The fact that you talk about not wanting to have a baby so much tells me you reallly want one and who knows been TTC. I've seen women like you too many times pretend they don't like children but deep inside they are hurting. I don't understand why you're putting yourself in too much bondage. Trust me people who are not into babies do not even talk about them so much. All they do is talk about other aspects of life they have going on for them. But all you do is come to blog to us about how you're not into having children. There is nothing....I repeat absolutely nothing wrong in telling people you know what I would really want to have children but God just wants us to wait a while, build our marriage and then he will bless us at the right time. Stop trying to convince us, free yourself babes! All this writing is unnecessary unless it helps you deal with the pain by acting like you don't really want that thing. Anyway, I think I've said enough *drops mic*

Kemi said...

Deep Soul - Thanks for your comments :-) You sound like a fun lady from the way you write! I like babies but I don't know about butterflies. LOL.

Fluffycutething - How are you? Good to hear from you and thanks for the prayers. I think I tend to think and over analyze everything, looking at all options. It has its good parts and bad parts :-)

Funmi - Welcome! Thanks for your comments. I say it firmly because I know for sure that if it weren't for Bo and I being friends before, we wouldn't be here. He was very much not my spec. i would have made a big mistake.

MPB - I'll try and blog often but many times I'm either too busy or just don't have anything new to add.

@Anonymous - thanks!

Myne - How are you? Thanks for your comments. I read your post on Infertility and TTC and I think you are a very strong woman. There are many people praying for you and I pray for you whatever it is that will make your heart happy.

Vic - Thanks!

Uloms - Thanks for your comments. If I feel like I'll take it up in another post, if I don't I won't. Meanwhile keep reading!!! (you may skip over the baby bits)

HoneyDame said...

lmao....@ Uloms....o ma ga o!!! This matter or something else?
Good luck on your sojourn BoKem

Anonymous said...

@ Uloms...ditto girlfriend, I hear you

concerned said...

@Uloms,you are so so so right.i saw through it right from the begininning.every single post has "i dont want baby" obvious lie.madam kem,i rememeber an earlier post talking about an infertility challenge you had,am guessing you have being hoping to come and type you got preg when you didnt want a baby bla bla bla...i think you should really free yourself

Anonymous said...

I hope just like Myne who used to say the same thing that you also will come out with the truth. good luck

Anonymous said...

I am regular on this blog but never commented before. There is actually nothing Kemi says about wanting a baby that is so unique. I have friend that grew up in naija and always said that she does not want kind now or in the future. In fact, she can't see her life with children. Of course, she can change her mind, but this is actually not a big deal at all. My husband only wants 1 kid. We already have one kid and I have been trying to convince him about a 2nd kid, but he is not moving at all. His position remains the same. My hubby loves kids, including our daughter, but he is just not intereedted in another. Different people have different views on this and Kemi's views are completely normal.

By the way, I love your blog kemi and you could actually be my friend. Holla, wen next you are in London.

Kemi said...

@HoneyDame ;-) thanks!

@Anonymous October 30, 5:55am - this is actually a mean-spirited comment. I'm sure you didn't intend it to be that way.

@Anon Nov 1 3:42pm, thanks so much for your comments! I certainly think it's not such a huge deal but i also understand for others, they just don't get it and feel in the blanks. :-)

Blessing said...

I love how strong willed you are! You follow your gut and that's awesome. With the attitude that you have you'll def make it :):):)

I share your sentiments with friendships also...some are seasonal while others are lifetime relationships, I'm learning to appreciate them all

Your marriage is so beautiful! Just like God intended it to encouraging in a world filled w/ divorce and failed relationships

Anonymous said...

Well said!

lamikayty said...

Smiling at all the mind readers :) One reason why I'm sure she's kept it an Anonymous blog.
Nice thoughts and for me shows you are a thinker! Its amazing how many decisions are made because of other people and to be able to make a decision FOR YOU says a lot.

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