Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Season's Greetings!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011
What did everyone do for the Christmas? The beau and I just laid low and didn't do anything funky, just cuddled and loved up on each other! It's very VERY rare that we both are not working so it was really fantastic to just have late mornings, lazy afternoons, and quiet evenings. We did go out to eat on Christmas day and it was fantastic. I love Bo's company quite a lot and was really grateful to be on a "date" with him on this special day. I think Christmas and this season in general is for family and since right now we're a family of only two it feels very odd. My entire family lives abroad and so does Bo's (except his parents who also spend Christmas abroad) so it was just us two :-) I'm not sure which traditions we're going to embark on once the family expands but at this rate we have to think of something!

Though we had agreed that we wouldn't be giving gifts this year, my husband surprised me with TWO gifts! They were absolutely fabulous and it's official that my husband spoils me. He is one of those men that wants his wife to have the finest of things, and like I've resorted to telling him these days, "I can't wait till you're wealthy because I know you will SPOIL me!" Whenever I say this, Bo just shakes his head and laughs. He loves his wife :-) I felt so special when I received the gifts I cried. I always cry when he gives me gifts, I don't know why. I just feel so incredibly lucky and undeserving of his love and affection. I remind myself that in marriage, and in our partner, we get the closest to experiencing on earth, the kind of love God feels for us. Through my husband I'm able to ponder the magnitude of God's love for me. It's amazing.
Yesterday after having breakfast, Bo and I proceeded to talk about our relationship and our plans for the upcoming year. It was quite a spontaneous conversation but I really ended up liking it so it's probably something I'll encourage for the future. Essentially each of us named 5 things we were planning/hoping for for next year and then going down the list flesh out in details what actions we would have to take to achieve those goals. Two things both Bo and I had on our lists: build a better relationship with spouse/strengthen or sweeten the relationship; get a definitive answer on children. We ended up having a long conversation on the latter which I think has brought us closer to the same page. There were loads of talking and giggling (on my part) throughout the conversation. We were seated outdoors and it was just blissful. I'm blessed. Many people say having kids is really hard because it's like having your heart outside of you, walking around. That must be incredible because I feel the same way about Bo now. This evening I told him exactly that, he responded he felt the same way and I wondered to myself if I feel this way about my husband how will I feel about a child? Can one love even more than this?

For those who think, "this is too fairytale like", I'll have you know Bo and I had a massive fight about a week and a half ago. Massive. I was depressed the entire day. Luckily for me, when Bo got back he bee-lined straight to me and asked that we talk. We talked the issue out but sometimes it's really hard to let the angry emotion go but one of the things I'm committed to challenging myself to is being able to just accept an apology or the explanation of an intent, and LET IT GO. Letting go for no absolute reason is really hard but I'm learning it. I decided to forgive my husband and just move on with life. This is how we've been able to move the pendulum back to the "mushy" mood we're in now. I think he forgives me too.

I look to him as he's sleeping beside me now and I'm truly overwhelmed by how lucky and blessed I am. Thank You God. For 2012 I pray You teach us how to love each other better. Amen.

Happy New Years in advance and thanks for reading my blog in 2011!

Monday, December 5, 2011

And We Danced

Monday, December 5, 2011
If you were passing the aisles at Spar in Lekki, you may or may have not seen myself and my beau dancing to a christmas tune. I mean real dancing, hands placed on hip and neck, other hand clasped, swaying to the music. Well it was mostly Bo trying to get me to dance and me, trying not to look embarrassed in the store, in front of the milk display! :-) It was sweet though and now as I sit thinking about that I'm grinning ear to ear at the memory, and this my funny hubby!

We've been talking baby a lot lately and I think we're moving along nicely into perhaps expanding our unit soon. This morning Bo and I were having our morning talk, reluctant to get out of bed and he kisses me deeply and says, I think we should have a baby. A deep sigh on my part. He's been sounding more and more comfortable with the idea lately, and the more comfortable he sounds the more assured I am that I don't want to have them soon. I think my mind just likes playing hide and seek with me so whenever I think well, maybe...Bo is hesitant and whenever Bo's so sure of things, I'm a little more than hesitant. Either way, it's beautiful when your husband wants to have a child with you. I mean that in a purposeful way, not in a rushed, or well, we might as well, or that's what marriage is for isn't it kind of way. But in a way that he randomly says as he hugs you, imagine having our baby in the next room. Or I think I'm lucky you'll be the mother of my kids. That is coming from the heart, from abounding love, as opposed to from some sort of sense of duty. This is what we wanted and I'm so grateful to God He is faithful and answers the prayers of our heart.

I think that perhaps if I had gotten married earlier, maybe 22 or 23, perhaps I would have been more enthusiastic about baby-making or motherhood in general. Now I think I understand a little better some older women who are just reluctant to upend their lives or routine for new romances. I'm not old, but honestly, I love my relationship and I love the lives we lead now. It feels complete to me. Moreso I read about early and later motherhood/parenthood all the time, and not much of it seems appealing to me. I'm truly serious, not much of it appeal at all. I sit and talk to new mothers, used-to-it mothers, old-school mothers, and it all definitely sounds like a journey, an adventure, but it has very little draws. I mean I love children, I love all my nieces and nephews in my life and they truly light up my life, but I'm not rosy-eyed about the true reality of birthing then caring for a human being from baby to adulthood. Perhaps I know too much, read too much, and ask too much! I think many ladies think of pregnancy and though anxious, they are interested somehow or look forward somehow to the changes, I don't. Instead of wondering what if..., I'm thinking, "sigh, life's terribly unbalanced, do I haaave to? sigh again...." This is how weddings felt to me also: it's just something magical that other people do, not me. I recognize this feeling, I tried to swat it away but I'm realizing now, it was all true in the end. My wedding was nice, but it certainly wasn't earth shattering and I barely remember the entire day. It's just a day. My wedding dress lies at the bottom of a heap in a bag, I can't say I have any sentimental attachments to it. This is somehow how I feel about having kids. It's all nice and I understand how some can feel consumed by it, but I fear for me, I'm terribly neutral.

At least as of this moment. Oh I'm sure I'll go through everything, and I pray God overlooks my "silliness" but I have a feeling like everything else in my life, my wedding, my marriage, my relationship, my career, this I'm probably going to do this my way, which almost all the time, means not the way of most people.

Bo says this morning, you know there are people who are just waiting to see how we will handle it all. Those thinking, let's see them dancing in the aisles at the grocery store with a baby. Not. Gonna. Happen. He says well, it'll be the two of us, we built this relationship how we wanted it to be, and kids may change everything we know now, but it'll still be the two of us, and we'll re-build something else entirely and that's okay.

That comforts me.
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