Monday, December 5, 2011

And We Danced

Monday, December 5, 2011
If you were passing the aisles at Spar in Lekki, you may or may have not seen myself and my beau dancing to a christmas tune. I mean real dancing, hands placed on hip and neck, other hand clasped, swaying to the music. Well it was mostly Bo trying to get me to dance and me, trying not to look embarrassed in the store, in front of the milk display! :-) It was sweet though and now as I sit thinking about that I'm grinning ear to ear at the memory, and this my funny hubby!

We've been talking baby a lot lately and I think we're moving along nicely into perhaps expanding our unit soon. This morning Bo and I were having our morning talk, reluctant to get out of bed and he kisses me deeply and says, I think we should have a baby. A deep sigh on my part. He's been sounding more and more comfortable with the idea lately, and the more comfortable he sounds the more assured I am that I don't want to have them soon. I think my mind just likes playing hide and seek with me so whenever I think well, maybe...Bo is hesitant and whenever Bo's so sure of things, I'm a little more than hesitant. Either way, it's beautiful when your husband wants to have a child with you. I mean that in a purposeful way, not in a rushed, or well, we might as well, or that's what marriage is for isn't it kind of way. But in a way that he randomly says as he hugs you, imagine having our baby in the next room. Or I think I'm lucky you'll be the mother of my kids. That is coming from the heart, from abounding love, as opposed to from some sort of sense of duty. This is what we wanted and I'm so grateful to God He is faithful and answers the prayers of our heart.

I think that perhaps if I had gotten married earlier, maybe 22 or 23, perhaps I would have been more enthusiastic about baby-making or motherhood in general. Now I think I understand a little better some older women who are just reluctant to upend their lives or routine for new romances. I'm not old, but honestly, I love my relationship and I love the lives we lead now. It feels complete to me. Moreso I read about early and later motherhood/parenthood all the time, and not much of it seems appealing to me. I'm truly serious, not much of it appeal at all. I sit and talk to new mothers, used-to-it mothers, old-school mothers, and it all definitely sounds like a journey, an adventure, but it has very little draws. I mean I love children, I love all my nieces and nephews in my life and they truly light up my life, but I'm not rosy-eyed about the true reality of birthing then caring for a human being from baby to adulthood. Perhaps I know too much, read too much, and ask too much! I think many ladies think of pregnancy and though anxious, they are interested somehow or look forward somehow to the changes, I don't. Instead of wondering what if..., I'm thinking, "sigh, life's terribly unbalanced, do I haaave to? sigh again...." This is how weddings felt to me also: it's just something magical that other people do, not me. I recognize this feeling, I tried to swat it away but I'm realizing now, it was all true in the end. My wedding was nice, but it certainly wasn't earth shattering and I barely remember the entire day. It's just a day. My wedding dress lies at the bottom of a heap in a bag, I can't say I have any sentimental attachments to it. This is somehow how I feel about having kids. It's all nice and I understand how some can feel consumed by it, but I fear for me, I'm terribly neutral.

At least as of this moment. Oh I'm sure I'll go through everything, and I pray God overlooks my "silliness" but I have a feeling like everything else in my life, my wedding, my marriage, my relationship, my career, this I'm probably going to do this my way, which almost all the time, means not the way of most people.

Bo says this morning, you know there are people who are just waiting to see how we will handle it all. Those thinking, let's see them dancing in the aisles at the grocery store with a baby. Not. Gonna. Happen. He says well, it'll be the two of us, we built this relationship how we wanted it to be, and kids may change everything we know now, but it'll still be the two of us, and we'll re-build something else entirely and that's okay.

That comforts me.


Fluffycutething said...

Hmm na wa oh... sometimes i feel you both dont actually live on this earth!!!

Pepperz said...

Such a beautiful post. I totally understand what you mean about being in the state of zen and not wanting to change that. Just take your time and you have a good man with whom you can talk and do things with at the right time. I believe God honours that. When people are honest to themselves and Him. God bless you as you go on living an loving.

Kemi said...

@fluffycutething, your post literally made me laugh out loud. We very much live on this earth. I've posted here how many times we have a disagreement, or tension. I'm sure just before we went grocery shopping we had some sort of tension, ha! But there are good times, and I'm lucky to have Bo.

@Pepperz, Amen. Thanks for your comment. I agree with you.

Blessing said...'ll always be the two of you! How beautiful...

Just take your time hun,keep growing and enjoying your relationship...

You two make me believe in TRUE love again! Just what I needed to start off my day!


Cake and Socks said...

Kemi,i really like your unapologetic honesty. It is so refreshing!

Lady A said...

Timing is everything. Not your timing....God's.
When/If that time comes, you will embrace every moment of it (except the contractions, lol).
I understand where u r coming from. You'll get through this. Just enjoy each other and have fun!
Miss ya!

Anonymous said...

Oh Kemi, your relationship with your hubby just warms my soul. :-)

Myne Whitman said... must have drawn this post from me :). Life as a couple can be so blissful sometimes, and I'm also meh about the whole baby process. Anyway, we're TTC now so I've made my peace with it. All the best with you and Bo.

Soma said...

phew!!! I just read your entire blog. I am engaged and the families (mine and his) are driving me nuts and putting a strain on our relationship. I have learnt so much its surreal. First off let me give the guy a break and settle our little tiff cos he is sincerely trying to be everything to me right now. Thank you for taking time to write your experiences. Reading them has been a blessing.

Kemi said...

@Blessing, :-) thanks! Hope you DID have a fantastic day...

@Cake, thanks. It's really encouraging to hear that you appreciate it.

@LadyA, I'm hearing you :-) Not gone anywhere, just been quite busy.

@Anon, thanks :-)

@Myne, oh CONGRATULATIONS on the TTC! I hope to hear the news soon ;-) You sound just like me lol.

@Soma, I'm so glad you've found the blog helpful. The state of being "engaged" is really a short time. It comes with so much stressors that I don't think are a part of real everyday life. keep your relationship and partner first, and just keep your head down till you get through it all. Above all, fully live and enjoy the experience. Blessings!

LucidLilith said...

That is truly romantic!

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