Monday, October 29, 2012

Kanye Shrug

Monday, October 29, 2012

How I wish I could share the chuckle Bo and I just had regarding this post, but I think it's probably best to keep it an inside joke!

Moving along...

The one thing I've learned for sure in keeping this blog is that the nature of the medium itself allows everyone to participate in one of the purest human ways possible.  There's always what is being said, and what is the truth/motivation behind what is being said.  I've found that once you can discern the two, it's easier to let go and enjoy the blog for what it is.  This goes for both the author and the audience of the blog.  I enjoy this aspect so tremendously.  Now for the comments section, I've found that it almost always says much more about the person commenting, than the subject the comments are directed to.  It is usually out of some personal experience that motivates one to go through the hassle of leaving a comment.  Fascinating.  Reading comments is my favorite part of keeping this blog.

Which leads me to my last post.  There's a comment by someone called Uloms and a few other visitors (welcome to my blog!).  To ease your various concerns for me and my living in bondage or pain (I can't even believe I typed that!) let me reassure you that I am not in bondage or in pain.  Thanks for the concern.  I'm also quite free.  Now, to ask a truly honest question, how would you know if I were telling the truth about being free and not in bondage or in pain?  I'm really interested to know mostly because I personally think it would require some sort of leap of faith for you in what I am writing.  Believe or not, there's really no way for you to know for sure, ever.  So I personally don't see a need for such a strong feeling on the subject!  :-)

There was a comment on infertility.  Yes, I have a condition that is similar to, but not, PCOS.  No, your guess was wrong.  Bo & I are on birth controls and have never, not once, even tried to TTC.  Whenever Bo & I do start TTC, we may have conception issues or we may not. We will cross the bridge when we get there.  PCOS and other similar conditions are very serious issues affecting many women the world over and I do not take the issue lightly out of utter respect and compassion for those who struggle with it and its implications daily.  I don't bandy it about and it matters to me a great deal that I don't distort my experiences living with it.  Thus, if I were TTC and having troubles, I would mention it if only to assure others they weren't alone.  To those who care, I don't know what it's like TTC with PCOS because I've never tried, when I do, I will definitely share the journey to provide information and to encourage.

Lastly, isn't it incredulous that some would say "You are thinking too much about having a baby"?  It's a baby for chrissakes!  I like that I oscillate about whether or not I'm ready, I do think it's completely responsible and acceptable behaviour to consider all options and listen to all experiences before embarking on such a journey.  It is good to read all sorts of books, to talk about it, to be honest with oneself and to explore one's emotions.  These are all great things to do before bringing another human being into the world.  I'm supposed to be allowed to go on incessantly about weddings and love but I can't go on incessantly about such a key product of weddings, marriage, and love?  Really?  Furthermore, it would not be responsible behaviour on my part to imply in any way that all women must want babies, and/or all women must be so sure in their hearts about their feelings and desires.  It is entirely okay, not be so sure.  If there are people out there who have made decisions not to have babies or to defer their child-rearing periods and never talk about this decision because it was such an easy no-brainer, I'm happy for them.  Alas, as for me, I have a blog and I'm free to talk about it, the way I feel it.    I like that my posts show it is not an easy decision and it's okay to go back and forth.

This blog is about happily ever after, the real story of love, marriage, relationship.  The happily ever after where babies are discussed over and over again, mortgage, paying for school fees, leaving a will in case of unexpected death, saving and scrounging for cash and savings, getting your heart broken by your spouse, cuddling to sleep, and waking up to 1000 kisses are discussed.

To just look at pretty wedding pictures and skip over the daily routines of building a life, there's always the Bella Naija wedding pages!

Friday, October 19, 2012

On Everything

Friday, October 19, 2012
One of my favorite book titles is called On Beauty by Zadie Smith, and even though I still have not gotten around to completing the book, I do think it's a fantastic title.  Like the beginning of a conversation, or a telling of sorts.  So since the breaks here are getting wider and wider, I'll use that same format.

On Life in General
I'm in a decent place with life.  I feel like I have a good grasp on what to expect and what not to expect out of people, out of situations, out of life.  I'm finally comfortable and confident with that.  It's different from the younger days where one's head was in the clouds and the paths to this or that seemed like such a straight line, a straight story.  However life is not like that.  The beauty of life is that it can be unpredictable so one has to be flexible.  This is a lesson to learn and I'm finally in a peaceful place about this.

Over the last few years, all stemming from my wedding period, I've had to evaluate what friendship and family means to me.  There were friends who showed themselves to not be very friendly and there were family members who it became obvious wanted me to fail than to be happy and healthy.  Also after marriage I immensely enjoyed new friendships forged with women who were also newly married and going through the same stage as I am.  That, surprisingly, has been short lived.  I'm finding that that entire period really has a rapidly approaching expiry date on it.  I really enjoyed it but now, as I move further and further away from my actual wedding date, those friendships based on the craziness of that period are becoming less relevant to me now.  I'm also learning that this is okay.  All of this has allowed me to know exactly what I want in a friend and I'm now getting to a point that the people that are around me now, many of whom are new friends, are more in line with who I am fundamentally.  It's a little bit about common phases in life, and common experiences, but more and more it's more about shared outlook on life in general.  This is good.

Speaking of friendships, I'm currently in a place where I cherish, absolutely cherish the company of other women.  I know many ladies tend to be apprehensive about other women, some even defensive, but I've found that I really cherish hanging out with other women.  We have so much thrown at us, so much to consider, so much responsibility.  I'm just amazed, proud and genuinely interested in each of our stories.  I also believe it's important we validate ourselves and we are kind to one another.  Everyone needs a little help, and it's just that much more challenging being a Nigerian woman living in Nigeria.  So much is expected of you.  We should be kind to each other.

On Having a Baby
Bo and I have decided not to have kids for a few more YEARS.  In some ways this has been a hard decision but in many other ways, it's been an easy decision.  I'm currently working on a work project and it just dawned on me that I am so much more excited about this project than I am about expanding our unit of two.  Like significantly more excited, fired up.  I think I've suspected it for a while but I've finally come to peace about the fact that I'm just not a very maternal person.  I have so much pressure from all sides: mothers, friends, medical, but at the end of it all this is my life and I only have one to live.  I have a responsibility to myself, and to my husband, to pursue and follow my instincts and my gut.  My gut says, establish yourself, then establish your home.  Truth is, being CEO of a business that is successful, adds to the economy, and employs tons of Nigerians, is more important to me than being a mother right now.  It certainly isn't so for everyone but I have to be honest with myself, it is so for me.  And this is a hard thing for me to admit and even as I type this, I want to go back and delete the words but I delete from the screen does not mean I can delete from my heart.  It's even harder as everyone around me pastes pics of their growing babies, or even as they start the journey as parents of TWO.  They have gone so far beyond what my brain can comprehend :-)  Their lives seem so different from mine.

On Marriage
My marriage is the biggest blessing in my life.  It is everything and more all at the same time.  I am so lucky.  I have a home that is happy, and peaceful, and filled with love, support, and kind words.  I would like to say though I think increasingly it is important to look for a partner with a genuinely good heart.  Someone who is a good person and whose walk in faith is very important to them.  I really think that is the secret, everything else is rubbish regardless of what anyone may have you believe.  You will know when someone is a good person with a good heart when you see them, they are selfless, they are caring, they want to be helpful, they are are respectful, they are kind, even to those who aren't kind to them.  You will know because they do everything to live peaceably with all men.  Once you find someone like that, be good to them as well and they will cherish and love you all their days.  The hard part of learning to love is learning to love someone's imperfections: not sexy enough, not yellow enough, not buff enough, fat, short, smelly breath, bad kisser, bad dresser, etc etc.  Those things are cosmetic and by the very law of nature, all those guys that have all those things tend to know they are hot commodity and are less likely to be kind genuine souls.  So give it up.  The way Bo dresses now is completely, completely different from how he used to dress when I met him.  It wasn't even deliberate on my part, but as part of building our lives together I'm just always there when he shops and he asks for my opinion and I give it - meaning slowly his style has involved into something heavily influenced by me.  I would hate to think I missed out on the happiness I have now in my marriage because I thought he was an awful dresser.  Take a leap of faith on the nice guy!
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