Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm so upset right now.

Just got back from date night and the mister and I just had a mini pow wow. Half way through date night Bo looks at his watch and says "we have to get outta here soon I have some work to do."

I'm upset because date night is date NIGHT. Not date 2 hours, but date NIGHT. I don't care if the Martians have invaded earth and their spaceship has landed at your office, it's date frigging NIGHT. I go a little off and we leave and as soon as we get into the house I hug him close and give him a kiss and say I'm not trying to pressure him but I need him to take this stuff seriously, like hernia/heartattack serious. He says well, he does feel pressured and perhaps he'd just have been better canceling date night today. I go off. again. Then I get frustrated. Now I'm in bed with the lights off blogging about how frustrated I am.

Hmmpf. Deep breath.

You see, marriage is this thing that you create out of your own two hands, out of nothing, out of the air! Forget all that love stuff, that's just the beginning. But marriage? You have to keep working at it and creating and building and molding. I want so very much to say "well fine then, how about NO date night? I too have things to do with my time..." but rather than that I have to work through this stuff so we can come out stronger on the other side.


I'm so happy that my blog friends are smart intelligent women (or men who knows!). I'm completely fine now, it was just one of those normal marriage things but I want to share both ups and downs. Also it's quite therapeutic to blog. I tried commenting this morning but blogger was acting up, I see I have a few more comments now so I'll go back to read.

Well, never go to sleep upset is what they say so I put my "anger" aside and just made sure I had a great night's rest. This morning we discussed a bit more and Bo says he understands better now where I'm coming from. Our communication process is so weird I think. It usually goes like this, I (or he) voice my feelings, I ask how he feels about what I've said, he responses and asks if I understand what he has said, I repeat what I've said and what he's said. And then I ask if he has anything he wants to say, am I being fair? He responds. Then kiss and make up, lol. Then I ask what he's thinking even though I know he needs sometime to process the conversation, he says nothing just letting everything sink in. I leave it then a couple of days later he'll randomly come to me and say you know, that thing we were talking about I think XYZ. Whew.

I'm okay. The date night journey continues! I bet you some day our kids are going to roll their eyes about date night and not know it was turbulent in the start lol!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Then Comes Kemi In A Baby Carriage?

Friday, August 6, 2010

So inevitably the topic comes up.

Bolaji and I have a funny history when it comes to babies. When we first started dating, Bolaji did NOT see himself as being married at all and definitely did not see himself having kids. In fact he actually told me that he rather saw himself living a quiet life with his girlfriend, traveling and experiencing life, just the two of them forever. Most girls would have run but I was a bit strange too. While I always thought I would indeed get married, it was all something that "other people" do and not me. For as long as I can remember too I've told all my closest friends that I wasn't too sure of the baby thing and I would really consider trying surrogacy. This was before surrogacy was even cool, or in any case as acceptable as it is now. One of my college friends even stopped speaking to me for so long after I mentioned that I thought all pregnant women should have a home (Sorry to my pregnant blog friends, trust me, BELIEVE me at this point in my life I realize how....silly that statement was/is). So when my boyfriend tells me that he doesn't really see himself having kids, it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

As we started to plan our lives together though things started to change little by little. Of course we started to discuss if we REALLY wanted to have kids and how many we’d like. Imagine my shock when my darling fiancĂ© (at the time) says he wants 3 children! I said I wanted 2 and I still do and I feel very strongly about that but what a jump for Mr. I-Don’t-See-Myself-Having-Kids. Maybe it was always all or nothing for him. We also talked about when in our marriage we’d like to start having children. We both agreed that we’d like to wait for a bit. In fact we even decided on a particular year and locked the conversation away. Done. Right?

Well not so fast. To be honest I’m not quite sure who changed first. If you will recall I’m thinking of going back to grad school to do yet another degree. I think that’s where the turnaround started. Do I become pregnant before, during, or after this program? What was the best choice? Instinctively it sounds better after grad school but at that time I will either be looking for a job or just starting a new job in a new field so that can’t be a good time for kids. But then you throw in age into the equation and things get even more complicated. If I wait until after grad school and a few years of employment I would be well in my mid-thirties and with my reproductive issue, would we just be creating headaches for ourselves in the future? I even started to read about pregnant grads (and believe me there’s a lot on this topic if you google). Somewhere in between all this thinking I started to think well perhaps… now? Then I’d get scared about the whole prospect and think, nah. I can see Bolaji is going through the same thing too. We currently use contraceptive methods and randomly he says to me, “why don’t we stop?” I remind him that he doesn’t want kids right now and he just snaps out of it. Lol. Now we went to a cousin’s naming ceremony this past weekend and it was so cute to see Bolaji. He was afraid to carry the baby and I had to basically force her into his arms and then all he could say literally for 10 mins was “Wow”, “Wow.” He was blown away by life. And then my cousin and his wife told us the entire birth story (they’re first time parents) and we laughed and joked and had a good time but I think for both of us, it just made it more real. Like, oh my gosh are we going to have to go through this too? My cousin and his wife earn less than we do as an income and they seem fine so perhaps financial stability is not that prohibitive? Or we start thinking maybe you are never too ready anyway.

On the other hand I think of one of my favorite blogs From Marriage to Motherhood, and they seem like they are so well planned out. They seem to have planned having a baby and just seem better, calmer, and well-adjusted to the new addition. I think Bolaji and I just really want our family to be planned, to be able to provide for our kids at the level we want, we want to be ready financially and emotionally. Sometimes I feel I really really want one now, other times I think I don't even mind if we never have any (God forbid we be infertile which is different from simply deciding not to have). Either way for now, we wait.

One of our favorite movies that deals with the cycle, sacrifices, and joys of family life is Marley and Me. Bolaji and I watch that move over and over again. It chronicles the life of a couple as boyfriend/girlfriend to affianced, to newlywed, to parents, all while touching on the different issues, joys, and challenges that could go on at each stage. I think we also try and learn from it too. Planning is important and can avoid a lot of stressors but one just has to keep in mind that things will never be perfect too.

This story continues.
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