Friday, August 6, 2010

Then Comes Kemi In A Baby Carriage?

Friday, August 6, 2010

So inevitably the topic comes up.

Bolaji and I have a funny history when it comes to babies. When we first started dating, Bolaji did NOT see himself as being married at all and definitely did not see himself having kids. In fact he actually told me that he rather saw himself living a quiet life with his girlfriend, traveling and experiencing life, just the two of them forever. Most girls would have run but I was a bit strange too. While I always thought I would indeed get married, it was all something that "other people" do and not me. For as long as I can remember too I've told all my closest friends that I wasn't too sure of the baby thing and I would really consider trying surrogacy. This was before surrogacy was even cool, or in any case as acceptable as it is now. One of my college friends even stopped speaking to me for so long after I mentioned that I thought all pregnant women should have a home (Sorry to my pregnant blog friends, trust me, BELIEVE me at this point in my life I realize how....silly that statement was/is). So when my boyfriend tells me that he doesn't really see himself having kids, it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

As we started to plan our lives together though things started to change little by little. Of course we started to discuss if we REALLY wanted to have kids and how many we’d like. Imagine my shock when my darling fiancĂ© (at the time) says he wants 3 children! I said I wanted 2 and I still do and I feel very strongly about that but what a jump for Mr. I-Don’t-See-Myself-Having-Kids. Maybe it was always all or nothing for him. We also talked about when in our marriage we’d like to start having children. We both agreed that we’d like to wait for a bit. In fact we even decided on a particular year and locked the conversation away. Done. Right?

Well not so fast. To be honest I’m not quite sure who changed first. If you will recall I’m thinking of going back to grad school to do yet another degree. I think that’s where the turnaround started. Do I become pregnant before, during, or after this program? What was the best choice? Instinctively it sounds better after grad school but at that time I will either be looking for a job or just starting a new job in a new field so that can’t be a good time for kids. But then you throw in age into the equation and things get even more complicated. If I wait until after grad school and a few years of employment I would be well in my mid-thirties and with my reproductive issue, would we just be creating headaches for ourselves in the future? I even started to read about pregnant grads (and believe me there’s a lot on this topic if you google). Somewhere in between all this thinking I started to think well perhaps… now? Then I’d get scared about the whole prospect and think, nah. I can see Bolaji is going through the same thing too. We currently use contraceptive methods and randomly he says to me, “why don’t we stop?” I remind him that he doesn’t want kids right now and he just snaps out of it. Lol. Now we went to a cousin’s naming ceremony this past weekend and it was so cute to see Bolaji. He was afraid to carry the baby and I had to basically force her into his arms and then all he could say literally for 10 mins was “Wow”, “Wow.” He was blown away by life. And then my cousin and his wife told us the entire birth story (they’re first time parents) and we laughed and joked and had a good time but I think for both of us, it just made it more real. Like, oh my gosh are we going to have to go through this too? My cousin and his wife earn less than we do as an income and they seem fine so perhaps financial stability is not that prohibitive? Or we start thinking maybe you are never too ready anyway.

On the other hand I think of one of my favorite blogs From Marriage to Motherhood, and they seem like they are so well planned out. They seem to have planned having a baby and just seem better, calmer, and well-adjusted to the new addition. I think Bolaji and I just really want our family to be planned, to be able to provide for our kids at the level we want, we want to be ready financially and emotionally. Sometimes I feel I really really want one now, other times I think I don't even mind if we never have any (God forbid we be infertile which is different from simply deciding not to have). Either way for now, we wait.

One of our favorite movies that deals with the cycle, sacrifices, and joys of family life is Marley and Me. Bolaji and I watch that move over and over again. It chronicles the life of a couple as boyfriend/girlfriend to affianced, to newlywed, to parents, all while touching on the different issues, joys, and challenges that could go on at each stage. I think we also try and learn from it too. Planning is important and can avoid a lot of stressors but one just has to keep in mind that things will never be perfect too.

This story continues.


Blessing said...

I agree with planning and being ready emotional, financially, etc....I'll suggest u pray bout it cuz God's time is def the best!

Awww how cute! From not wanting kids to 3 children! I love how u n Bolaji's relationship flourished and I pray that it'll continue!

A mini Kemi and/or A mini Bolaji sure would be nice!!!

capricorndee said...

Wow....very true post about the planning and thoughts that go into having kids. I was talking with an aunt of mine yesterday and she said, as long as you are financially independent and have good money management skills, then the financial impact of kids is not too difficult.

I wish you luck in whatever way you take and I am very inspired by the level of thought and consideration you are putting into the process.

Myne Whitman said...

We're also planning ours so would be interesting to read your views.

Andrea said...

Good luck. We planned ours, my doctor said when I get off birth control it will take 3 to 6 months to get pregnant. Well God had different plans and my husband being a sharp shooter we got pregnant within a month. Trust me when I say it was one of the best day of our lives.

Anonymous said...

I love Ilah from the blog, From Marriage to Motherhood too! She's too cute. I'm not married, but that baby makes even me want one! Planning is always good, but remember that no time will ever be perfect. And if you think you may have fertility issues (God forbid!), it's best to start early so that you have time to try everything. But I'm sure you and Bolaji will figure out what works best for the two of you. Best of luck!

Niki said...

I love the "Marriage to Motherhood" blog. Ilah is sooooo cute, I read that blog all the time. Just like Anon above, I too am not yet married but I'm aching for a baby NOW but I do agree with God's design for a family so will wait for my Mr. first.
I would suggest that everyone planning to start up families should pray about it first. I don't think anyone is ever quite ready but when God said in Proverbs 16:3, that we should commit all our plans unto Him, He does have a reason for doing so. Also as temping as it may seem, I don't think it wise to judge ones own readiness to start a family based on emotion from carrying someone else's baby...takes you right back to Proverbs 16:3.
By the way I just have to point this out but the contraceptive pill is a "silent" abortive method. So ladies you can't go to God wanting Him to bless you with children when your doing contrary.

Jaycee said...

LOL @ this post. I'm just laughing at how you guys changed along the journey. It's hilarious.

isha said...

It's very true that you need to plan, but it's also good to remember that like with every other life experience, you never know how ready you are till you're in the situation. God is your strength.

I know what you mean about a guy being blown away by life. I saw it when my padi's baby-daddy held the child he had asked her to abort, in his arms. It was like something melted in his heart.

Anonymous said...

A few years ago my boyfriend and I discussed and agreed that we will get married and have 2 or 3 kids. But I got pregnant before we got to planning any wedding. We bless that day forever! We have a beautiful daughter and are now married. It made it easier that we were both in good jobs and already in the process of buying a house together when I found out I was pregnant. It hasnt been easy but in my opinion unless you are RICH no amount of planning is going to make it 'easy'. It's all about financial planning as your Aunt says.

Go for it in your own time but pleeease dont leave it too late. Many of my friends are now having issues with fibroids, cycsts etc and it is scary.

I have now started an MBA part time and will be looking to have number 2 (yay!) during the 2 year period........God help me! But i look forward to the 1 year materity leave that will give me more time with my baby and help me focus on the MBA.


braids said...

Kemi and anyone else considering starting up a family and also for those like myself who would like to in future but are waiting for the husband to come along first, check out:

A few people have already mentioned the From marriage to motherhood website which is also quite good.

Also for the benefit of readers in response to Anon above (and this is by no means an attack),yes fibroids, polycstic ovaries and the lot in some cases do make it harder to conceive but not always. There are many women who suffer from such conditions and have no problems conceiving at all.
If you are having problems conceiving right now, don't lose heart. Just as a single is advised to wait patiently for the right man to come along, you too wait patiently for the right time for God to manifest His glory in your lives.

Anonymous said...

@ Braids - Thanks for clearing that up.

I didnt mean that fibroids and cysts etc stop you from having a baby. They are so common nowadays and most women go on to have healthy children. But as i have found with my friends and family they often have to wait to sort these issues out before trying for babies or they could lead to complications in pregnancy, or they could mean that a woman cannot have children. So my point is don't leave having kids till too late beacause you never know what issues there may be.

We will all be fruitful woman by his grace!

braids said...

Kemi darling, was reading this post earlier and thought of you:

@ Anon above, yeah I hear you (or in this case read you) but then again does that mean a currently single woman should jump into bed with the next available guy all in the name of being able to start up a family asap? Like I've said I hear you but a perception like that just puts pressure on women to rush into things like marriage (although you said you didn't follow that order yourself), realize later that shes made the biggest mistake of her life by marrying him and then the much desired children have their security of a stable upbringing taken away from them. Anyway to each his own...

Anonymous said...

My response was to Kemi's message and not to the entire female no I am not telling anyone to rush off and marry the next available man. Every situation needs different advice naturally.......
It was just my opinion and doesn't mean Kemi should follow it either.....she is free to do as she pleases. She speaks her mind on her blog and my response is for her and her alone.

Mwajim Al said...

Well I'm no where near the married or family life zone, but i'm def. in the graduate school horizon, and I'll tell you on the best things my proff said while prepping us to apply for grad school. She said: "Life happens in grad school. Ppl marry, buy a house, have kids etc". So the way i see it, prayerfully consider it, and let life flow according to his will. I don't know if my parents planned it, but they had me (the first :D) 4 yrs after they were married and both my parents were working fulltime at the time and just somehow it turned out superb. So God will carry you to the finish :=D

braids said...

chill girl like I said above, to each his own gheez...

Anonymous said...

I am chilled you attacked my comment in the first you chill!

Kemi said...


Thanks everyone for your comments.

@Blessings, funny enough i don't know why I never thought pray about it. I asked Bo what he prayed for in church and he said "timing for kids" and then I remembered your post and it clicked. Thanks!

@capricorndee, thanks! Sometimes I think we're over-planning though.

@myne, u first! lol. Maybe we'll be preggers mate hmm? :-)

@Andrea, how are u? blog more often please!

@Anon1, isn't Ilah so cute? sigh. One day i'll have one just like her...well, but looking like myself and my beau of course Lol.

@Niki, thanks for your comments. Though I'd like to stay away from incendiary and controversial topics re: contraceptive pills. I respect that those are your thoughts about the matter though. Any woman reading and interested to know more please feel free to do your research, speak to a gynecologist and google!

@jaycee, isn't it funny though? I can't wait to see in what other ways we change as we grow older together :-)

@isha, thanks!

@Anon2 & braids, thank you both for your comments. You guys really mean well and have given great information. I wouldn't want anyone else that happens to read what you have to say to get clouded by the disagreement.

@Anon2, girl, I understand you perfectly. I think it's only responsible to consider age when a lady is thinking about her childbirth plan. It's a balance. I don't want to be driven or defined by possibilities of late birth complications, but at the same time i just HAVE to think of...well, nature.

@braids, thanks for sharing the message of hope :-) I think what you're trying to tell me is not to overplan as God has a plan for us all, no matter what age. I hear you!

@Mwajim Al, thanks for stopping by! I like hearing stories like yours and I really do believe really, in the end we will look back at this stage and smile at how we thought everything just had to fit into a box.

bumight said...

the truth is, there's no right time to have a baby. you just have a baby and everything falls into place.

Anonymous said...

hmmmm.... i love kids but the thought of birthing them keeps making me want to wait!

i love marley and me as well.. it was a real challenge but they pulled through..

there is right time to get married and have kids but one can never be ready enough for either of them.. you and compromise and adjust as you go.

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