Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hmmpf...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm so upset right now.

Just got back from date night and the mister and I just had a mini pow wow. Half way through date night Bo looks at his watch and says "we have to get outta here soon I have some work to do."

I'm upset because date night is date NIGHT. Not date 2 hours, but date NIGHT. I don't care if the Martians have invaded earth and their spaceship has landed at your office, it's date frigging NIGHT. I go a little off and we leave and as soon as we get into the house I hug him close and give him a kiss and say I'm not trying to pressure him but I need him to take this stuff seriously, like hernia/heartattack serious. He says well, he does feel pressured and perhaps he'd just have been better canceling date night today. I go off. again. Then I get frustrated. Now I'm in bed with the lights off blogging about how frustrated I am.

Hmmpf. Deep breath.

You see, marriage is this thing that you create out of your own two hands, out of nothing, out of the air! Forget all that love stuff, that's just the beginning. But marriage? You have to keep working at it and creating and building and molding. I want so very much to say "well fine then, how about NO date night? I too have things to do with my time..." but rather than that I have to work through this stuff so we can come out stronger on the other side.

*****UPDATE******

I'm so happy that my blog friends are smart intelligent women (or men who knows!). I'm completely fine now, it was just one of those normal marriage things but I want to share both ups and downs. Also it's quite therapeutic to blog. I tried commenting this morning but blogger was acting up, I see I have a few more comments now so I'll go back to read.

Well, never go to sleep upset is what they say so I put my "anger" aside and just made sure I had a great night's rest. This morning we discussed a bit more and Bo says he understands better now where I'm coming from. Our communication process is so weird I think. It usually goes like this, I (or he) voice my feelings, I ask how he feels about what I've said, he responses and asks if I understand what he has said, I repeat what I've said and what he's said. And then I ask if he has anything he wants to say, am I being fair? He responds. Then kiss and make up, lol. Then I ask what he's thinking even though I know he needs sometime to process the conversation, he says nothing just letting everything sink in. I leave it then a couple of days later he'll randomly come to me and say you know, that thing we were talking about I think XYZ. Whew.

I'm okay. The date night journey continues! I bet you some day our kids are going to roll their eyes about date night and not know it was turbulent in the start lol!

20 comments:

Mrs E {From Now Till I Do} said...

Hun, sorry to hear date night didn't work out as planned. Can definitely be frustrating. No major advice except to say that sometimes men don't put the same value on things like we do and in those situations we have to let them know (remind them) why it is important to the relationship. It's all about priorities.

Myne Whitman said...

I share the same with Mrs. E. Just want to add, but 2hrs is better than no date night right?

capricorndee said...

Sorry your plans didn't work out exactly how you wanted it to.
Have you guys tried doing whatever was planned for date night on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Just the two of you could go out, or stay indoors with take out!

Faith said...

aww, i'm sorry date night didn't go as planned ... it sucks when you get into a lil pow wow with the hubs. tell him that he owes you a date day now! :)

Faith said...

with a really cute smile of course! ;)

Rita said...

Aren't u so funny, lol @ "like hernia/heartattack serious..."

Sorry oh, you must really not be finding this funny, but am sure you will feel better when you wake up.

Date night is date NIGHT, I agree. If couples do not make out such time, they won't know when "time" has passed them by and they didn't have all the fun they wanted alone...

doll said...

i think you can be more understanding though. because you say he is an Investment Banker. IB is so crazy am even tripped he has 2 hours to offer, so maybe you should be more understanding and kinda make things easier for him and allow him make it up to you when his schedule is lighter

braids said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
braids said...

I agree with Myne and doll.

You seemed to have prepared yourself well for marriage (I like that :) ) and I'm sure you already now this but this is just a gentle reminder just incase... marriage is about compromise. I'm not saying you should put your needs/wants aside, you matter too and Bolaji should be thinking about how to cater to you just as much you should be doing for him... afterall he is making that money to be able to provide for you and take you out someplace nice for another date night. :)

NewLife said...

Kemi dearest,
I hope you feel better about the situation. Remember marriage is about compromise, Bolaji needs to know that you can be flexible as well. I totally agree that you should let him know how important it is to you but I'm sure its pretty important to him too. Try not to get caught up in the "date night" itself. Bolaji needs to know its about spending time with him and not about the notion of date night itself. It will make it easier for him to compromise more and help date nights not be a burden on him in the future. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. *hugs*

H said...

Awww Kemi lav, I was so excited u updated but I'm not so happy that u're mad...I agree with E and doll. I'm also proud of u for understanding that u need to work through this.

U're a good girl for not saying lets forget about it then. #hifive.
U set ur pride aside and humbled urself.

I would suggest helping him out by ordering in occasionally when he's stressed like that. I don't blame u @ all for being mad. I probably would be too but seeing from the outside, its just easier to be more considerate. I hope this helps.

Please blog a lil more often, I miss ur posts :D

isha said...

I'm only going to try to be objective now...

Whose idea was date night? If it was yours, (even if he agreed to it whole heartedly and totally), you may need to just sit with him and establish some conditions/allowances/rules, etc. I mean, I'm sure he didn't even think it was a big deal. He's prolly thinking, we had 2 hours together already. Think about the days when Date Night won't be too convenient for you too...

Yes you have to work at marriage... that sometimes involves compromise.

Anonymous said...

I'm not married so please take what I say with a pinch of salt. It seems to me that the whole point of date night is so that you you both make time for each other. This way, your relationship doesn't get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of life. So it should not only be important to you, it should be important to him as well. He can get fired from his job any day, but marriage is supposed to last forever. Perhaps you need to sit down and talk with him about the purpose of date night - it's not just about going out to eat, but about making time for each other and your relationship. But like I said, I'm not married so do take this with a pinch of salt. Good luck. Hope to see you back here soon in a happier mood.

Kemi said...

Aww thank you ladies!

I'm actually quite fine now, lol.

@Chich...oh, sorry Mrs E! I hear you. Sometimes that's the hard part isn't it?

@Myne, it's better than where we were starting from but it's not exactly where I want to get us too. Maybe I'm being too inflexible.

@capricorn, our weekends are SO filled, the only free time we get we tend to do a "family sleep" i.e, nap time lol.

@Faith, i did that last week and this week was supposed to be out make up date.

@Rita, it IS funny lol (keep in mind I'm reading this in the morning). Seems you understand where I'm coming from.

@doll, I agree. My fear though is that both he and I have crazy jobs with erratic schedules. This week alone Bo's travelled out of Lagos twice and the times he hasn't travelled I've been working till 2am in the morning. Both our careers mean that we literally have to schedule "us" time or it'll easily slip away. But I do need to be more understanding though.

Kemi said...

@braids, compromise is constant isn't it? thanks for your comments :-)

@NewLife, you've just given me a new perspective re date night is about time with him not just about a concept. thanks for helping me remember that!

@H, #hifive! ordering in is such a great idea. that could be a way to spend more time and still give him some time to finish work.

@isha, was my idea but I proposed to cancel it once and he said no, he likes it and thinks it's important. we just need to learn compromise lessons on both ends :-)

@Anon, i'm happier! you can comment here anytime whether you're married or not. surely you have your points of view and experiences around marriages that could be really helpful or help to see something in a different way. Don't worry i take ALL comments with a big jar of salt! :-)

happynappybride said...

Congrats on making it through...we all fight and disagree, we just don't all talk about it!

Anonymous said...

Kemi all i can say about your blog is WOW! just finished reading your posts from the beginning and i absolutely love it, its utterly amazing....... God bless you and your marriage abundantly. Im definitely going to be an avid reader of your blog. youre such an inspiration...... ill be commenting as anonymous but anyway thank you for sharing alot on your blog, i really appreciate it. God bless xxx

Amy said...

I'm happy you and the hubby are making things work. Marriage is hard work, but the fruits of your labor will be sweet!

Kemi said...

@Anonymous, thanks so much for your kind words and for stopping by. I look forward to reading your comments!

@Amy, AMEN! how are you? I think of you from time to time with residency and new marriage AND blogging! modern wonderwoman you are! Congrats again.

angelsbeauty said...

i am glad you guys are sticking to date night.. as married people say.. if you want you and husband to do something in the future.. start doing it from the start.. keep at it, it will soon become second nature to him... i hope.

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