Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Crawling Exes

Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Long before I met Bo, I met Segun. Segun is the son of a family friend but I didn't really meet him until 2002. For some reason when I met him I just decided at my young ripe age then (ha!) that I was going to marry Segun. It was just meant to be and that was that. He wasn't particularly handsome or charming or whatever. In fact he was a bit of a personality and difficult at best. No matter, I started crushing on him from that very first meeting. I'm not sure it was an emotional thing but for some reason in my head, I thought, he and I would make a good match so I set about making it happen. We exchanged numbers and spoke very sparingly over the next few years. Our conversations were always very awkward, mostly it was almost like a young girl crushing on an older guy, and being thoroughly self-conscious throughout the whole thing kinda thing. Very odd. No matter, I was determined I would crack it, and we would still end up married somehow. I was so serious about this I had written his my name with his last name in my address book at the time, AND written his name and my name in my bible with the year I was thinking we WOULD get married. Yes, I was nutters. Absolutely nothing had happened between us at this point. Just a few awkward conversations on the phone.

Around 2003, I ended up having to travel to the state Segun lived in for work. Unfortunately the client had made an error in booking everything and I was a bit stranded, so I called Segun and ended up at his house. This was his family house, and his mom and siblings were around. After dinner Segun & I went downstairs to the basement but I think the attraction there was quite strong etc, and we finally ended up in a very heated makeout session. However it didn't get any further really than just kissing, of course his family was around and I ended up sleeping in the guest room quite far from any Segun danger :-) So that was it, right? We actually didn't keep up much after that. One or two phone calls maybe. Our conversations were still largely short and awkward.

About a year later, Segun moves to the same city I was living in and I think we both set out to maybe get a bit closer. I visited with him a couple of times (definitely the crush was very much MORE from my side than his), met his best friends and his other siblings briefly and that was that. Just as things were really getting heated up, Segun mentions that he has issues with our families being so close etc., and for some reason at that point I just gave him a look. I mean this is a man I'd been crushing on for AGES and here he is giving me the most simple of excuses. I decided that was that. I certainly wasn't going to put myself out there for him any longer and if indeed anything was going to happen then the ball was now COMPLETELY in his court. I walked away completely from the quasi-relationship (eyeroll) and didn't look back. He also didn't make an effort to call me or whatever. Great. I thought.

Fast forward to a week after my wedding, guess who calls me? I mean he actually picked up the phone and called ME? I was surprised and shocked. But okay, whatever. He calls me several times in that first week. And then I would run into him here and there, and magically Segun was now a more attentive nicer person to me. I mean the awkwardness and nonchalance on his part in our conversations were now GONE. I raised an eyebrow but left it. Then he calls me one night at MIDNIGHT to say he needed my help with a document could I help him proofread it, etc., he really needed my help. I said no and he went on about how he wouldn't let me down if the shoe was on the other foot and it was for work etc. This is when things started to go off in my head and I told Bolaji about my uneasiness with this "friendship" We decided to shrug it off. By now I was receiving blackberry pings very often from Segun, comments on every thing I say etc. Then last week he called me to ask if I could order something for him with my credit card. I agreed and went ahead, only for him to keep postponing pick up and payment time from me. Then he starts calling me frequently or apologizing and asking me to call him back. I mean what is THIS? So last week Bo finally said enough is enough. He's not comfortable with the guy and he thinks Segun's just trying to get my goose, to get me going. We sat down and really had a chat about this. I had to tell Bo that if he was uncomfortable, my "friendship" with Segun wasn't actually that important at all so I'd gladly let it go.

I've since deleted him from my BlackBerry and ignore his calls. I'm just baffled at how some men are. There are some things I see clearer about my single years now than I did then. One of them being that some men are ALL and ONLY about the chase, not the follow through. It is all some sort of game. Some men that are waxing all sorts of sweet nothings in your ear right now are just doing it for the fun of the game, and I don't mean sex, because I don't think it's about that all the time. I think it's just the game for some men. So keep an eye on this and watch out. A healthy, real relationship has no drama, should make you feel more comfortable about who you are, should be a refuge from the craziness of the world, should elevate you mentally, and spiritually, should never make you feel inferior or habor any of your self-esteem issues (we all have them). I truly believe when a man is ready, and shows that he is ready to move heaven and earth for you, just because you are you, then that's the REAL one for you.

I think only when you are in this healthy, real, relationship do you start to truly appreciate how ugly (emotionally) some guys in your past are, and even worse that it's not an anomaly, but many men behave exactly the same way.

18 comments:

P.E.T. Projects said...

He lost out and he just cant live with it. He probably just realised how wonderful a partner you'ld have been... too late!

I'm glad you didnt end up with him, he'ld have treated you poorly! Its also good you were open with Bo about him, such guys are trouble.
Good riddance!

LadyNgo said...

Men are the most ridiculous creatures on the planet sometimes lol. I do agree that for some, the chase is all they are after (though i don't doubt they wouldn't mind getting the "goodies" too.

H said...

You're second to the last paragraph is so true...men are really all about the chase and most times they come back when its too late.

It takes time for them to realize a womans value and appreciate it. I'm done tryna make things work and I'd wait for the one who "rocks my world" lol

Nice post!

Myne Whitman said...

You're right, for some, it is all about the chase. And I guess for him you appear even more desirable now that you're married, and supposedly out of his reach. SMH...immaturity is a factor too.

oluwa-toe-see said...

You totally did the right thing. And I LOVE what you said in your 2nd to last paragraph!

Faith said...

i can't tell you how right you are! it is amazing when i started dating Sean how many guys decided all of a sudden that i was the one for them ... yeah, a lil too late!

and when you get married you think that would be the end ... but no, it doesn't mean a thing to them.

Lily Johnson said...

Ha! Some men can be funny o! So whats with him now? Even when he knows you are happily married. Truely some men are only about the chase.

@ilola said...

Men are hunters, and the hunting buzz keeps them going. That is why some men will keep chasing women they are sure they wil never ever succeed in dating.

Gbemisoke said...

I guess it's a case of wanting what he can't have.
Good riddance...

HoneyDame said...

Well said. I think the relationship you have with Bo is sooo awesome....

Anonymous said...

oh My,am going thru this exact same feelings u used to ve for this segun of a guy except mine has been lingering for atleast 5 yrs ,i also find it hard to pay attention any other guy becos i ve preoccupied my mind with him, so mine is worse ,he even feeds these feelings of mine with sweet words yet no actions to back it up creating anxiety an false hope in my heart,Your post has given me hope that hopefully someday "Dis too shall pass" and that i ll find my own Biblical Jacob,isaac,and Boaz,men who truely LOVED and CHERISHED their wives.Hopefully he doesnt pass me by while an drowning myself in this useless feelings am having for person wey no care abt me.
Its jst that its jst soo hard to get over the damn unreciprocated love,even wen i know he really don care bout me. sigh!!

Blessing said...

Wow..that Segun guy is something else...

I agree with HoneyDame...u and Bo's relationship is amazing...

Segun will be fine!

Anoda Phase said...

I like that you told your hubby about him asap...some women make the mistake of not telling their hubbies until there is fire on the mountain...good you didn't wait to find out what he was up to...it's so not worth it.

angelsbeauty said...

#word

Anonymous said...

Did you mistakenly mention Bo's name?

Gospel Girl said...

Shame on that guy, you certainly did the right thing by cutting him off.
P.S Wanted to follow your blog but the link for that is missing somehow :(

TecknicoleurGrl said...

You speak truth. I love this:

"A healthy, real relationship has no drama, should make you feel more comfortable about who you are, should be a refuge from the craziness of the world, should elevate you mentally, and spiritually, should never make you feel inferior or habor any of your self-esteem issues (we all have them). I truly believe when a man is ready, and shows that he is ready to move heaven and earth for you, just because you are you, then that's the REAL one for you.

I think only when you are in this healthy, real, relationship do you start to truly appreciate how ugly (emotionally) some guys in your past are..."

Daughter of Her King said...

I agree with that 2nd paragraph and I love that feeling of security... it is awesome...

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