Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Re-falling in Love

Tuesday, September 6, 2011
This is something I've mentioned before but not sure I've done a full blog post on it. You see, from my perspective, one of the best and absolute glorious things about marriage is the unexpected "re-falling in love" with your spouse. This is something I've never thought about before and certainly I don't recall anybody talking about it within my hearing. As Bo and I are steadily moving towards 2 years of marriage, there have been several instances where I've caught myself falling in love with my husband all over again. The feeling is like the first time. That moment when you look up at the other person and just realize that to you, they are just the best creation God ever created, and you're just in awe, or you just think that other person is just...the best ever! I catch myself looking at Bo with new eyes, filled with adoration anew, feeling so lucky and so blessed.

This all sounds good but the process of 're-falling in love' with your spouse is not a pretty one. I'm now in that phase and this morning started wondering, well wait a minute, what brings this feeling on? I think I experience this "re-falling" in the days, weeks, months after Bo & I have had a mid to serious disagreement/falling out/fight. About two weeks ago we experience what I would term the biggest falling out we've EVER had. There were tears, there were hours of talks, it lasted a few days, yes days (though whenever we fight we still tend to cuddle together at night, nothing should get in the way of a good cuddle! lol). There were threats of "this just isn't working out for me", oh yes, the whole she-bang. As a side note, friends are always amazed when they're hanging out with us and make a quip about how cute and perfect we are and I tell them well we had a big fight this morning. For some reason no one ever believes us! I count this as a blessing really. But continuing on with the story, it was REALLY bad. I have to say even right in the middle of one of the many outbursts during the few days of the "fight", I had promised a friend I would cater for her birthday party so I was cooking in the kitchen. Even though we were going at it as I was cooking, Bo still said "what do you need help with?" and then started to chop up veggies etc. And even though we were both upset to the point of exhaustion, I remember thanking God that we still worked together as partners and got things done. I know it sounds like we maybe were just having a little tiff when this happened, but believe me we were having the LOWEST moment in our relationship and marriage. Yet my husband rolled up his sleeves and we got to working together in accomplishing a task. This is amazing to me.

After fighting for what seemed like constantly for about 3 days, both Bo and I were just exhausted. We gave each other breaks but we were still constantly talking. Then during one of these talks, for some reason the communication finally clicked, we both felt we were being heard and we both understood each other. I had started praying fervently, fervently for God to really give me the Spirit of Forgiveness. I did share with Bo that I was struggling with letting my anger go and that I need help with that because I was ready to let it go. He just nodded his head and said he understood and hugged me. God worked in us, he really did. When you go through arguments with your spouse, for some reason we always come out feeling stronger and more melded together than ever. Like Bo & I agreed, when you share all your ups and all your downs with a single person, no one else has those very shared experiences, just you two, that's the magic of marriage, of two becoming one. You start to forget the lines that separate you two as individuals because you are now experiencing life in the same way, in the same prism. Your good days are also their good days and your bad days are also their bad days. Maybe it's the romanticism of this that creates that feeling of falling in love over again.

Last week Bo & I were visiting with a friend of our who's is single but just frustrated about relationships etc. Bo started talking to him about what he believes about relationships: communication, validating the other person, respect, etc. Everything that was coming out of his mouth sounded like such wisdom I had to actually look back at him half-amazed. My husband is SMART! I was really impressed and said out loud "see, this is why I married this man". Swoon. AND he tells me at least once a week that I'm gorgeous. Swoon. AND he still showers me with "million kisses" every single morning....SWOON. :-)

Overheard in the BoKem Household
Bit of background: while I love our flat where we live, we have been here for a few years and quite frankly I'm getting tired of it and I've been itching to move to a bigger place. Bo knows this. Also we have empty land in Ikoyi.

Bo: What do you think? So it seems we should be able to start building our own place on that land next year, but the catch is that we would have to stay in this flat for two more years {taking us to 4th quarter 2014}

Me: Well that's great hon but you know we can't have any babies in this flat.

Bo: Uhm, okay maybe just another year then. {taking us to 4th qtr 2013}.

Me: silence.


Anonymous said...

I'm confused, so you both do want kids now?

Love.live.learn said...

Your blog is so refreshing. For me, conflict in itself doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing because at least both partners are expressing an opinion even if it isn't the same thing! Its how we deal with it that counts. It takes maturity to be upset and still try to carry on as normal, to help around the house, to cuddle at night. You are a blessed girl because I don't come across a lot of people in your age range who have this level of maturity.

Marriage is about sticking together despite whatever tries to come between you. Its like religion, something one does daily. We never know when big storms arise but with a good foundation you always survive it.

Sorry for the epistle.

Love.live.learn said...

I just felt I had to say this bit. Talk to him about how you feel, about your fears (if any) of leaving it too long. I think (I may be wrong) that the desire to be a mother is in you. It's really good to have life planned to a T but sometimes life has this way of throwing unexpected balls and we adapt and keep stepping. After the PCOS diagnosis, I went through this phase of telling myself that I didn't want to have children but deep down I knew I was lying to myself, I just didn't want to be disappointed if I found that I really couldn't. But one thing I know now is that I will be a mother, PCOS or not. I will do my bit and leave God to do his bit. I still say I want to have only one. One miracle is enough for me. Every time I come here, I say a prayer. That conceiving will not be difficult for you. That God will surprise you. So please don't worry, enjoy this phase of your life, motherhood will make things different. And don't worry, I'm sure there are no laws that says you can't have a baby and live in a flat. Women have babies and raise them in huts..you'll do just fine. : )

Another epistle, my sincere apologies.

Cor d'Harmonie said...

Yup, God does that. Thank God for his spirit. I'm really happy on your behalf. I feel like I share your excitement. And for some reason, I sort of share the same opinion as @Love.live.learn. I also get the vibe that you feel like you are treading on thin ice whenever you talk about having a baby. But God always works things out for our good, so whether you have a baby now or later, it will be for your good. I pray for wisdom and more love, a lot of grace, and a truck-load of forgiveness on you guys relationship in Jesus name, Amen.

Aseni said...

You know, everytime i read a post from you, i feel so encouraged and excited. You guys have a great marriage and you rarely see that these days, May God continue to keep the both of you.

And when the time is right, all will work out perfectly - the house, babies and every other thing you desire.

Anonymous said...

Kemi, like L.L.L I also pray for you and Bo when I read your blog. You are such an encouragement, thank you for opening your life to us without any pretenses. It's easy to paint a pretty picture with words in an anonymous blog but you don't do that.

morayoJones said...

What an awesome blog post. I think the same about my husband. He's a wonderful man and you write so beautifully about both the good and bad times. I'll definitely be back.

Myne Whitman said...

I have to echo the first comment by live-love-learn.

dayor said...

Deep and honest...I liked the part you said you fervently prayed for the spirit of forgiveness, that is one of the things we should keep praying for in our relationships.

I for you and boo, that God blesses your home.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Kemi. I totally totally get how you felt during the disagreement. That part of "this just isn't working out for me" is so scary because for me whenever I say those words, it's without conviction and I get scared that he'll say something like "Ok, I don't think it's working too. Thanks for everything. Bye"...

Gosh, I hate fights! They drain me!

Thanks for sharing this. I pray God continues to strengthen your marriage.

Oduffa said...

Ok this totally unrelated, but I stumbled on your blog in dec 2010 and somehow forgot to follow it, I've been searching for it since then, you're a HUGE inspiration.
Back to the post, i totally feel you on the arguments H and i are of different faiths and the fights we have......gosh! But we agreed never to go to bed angry with each other so we cuddle and have breaks in between disagreements till their sorted

Kemi said...

@Anon - so am I. I thought Bo's comments meant he's not ready? That's how I saw it, how did u see it?

@love.live.learn - no epistle, it was fine! :-) Thanks for your comments and prayers. I don't think my diagnosis makes me fearful though Bo recently revealed that it does him. My attitude has always been positive in that regard I think. I'm so glad I have someone with PCOS reading my blog. I don't have PCOS but it's very similar and I'm glad I have someone who understand the emotions etc.

@Cor - I AM excited and I'm glad you could feel that. Thanks so much for the prayers.

@Aseni - thanks for your comments and your prayers as well. I'm very aware of the amazing gift God has given me in the form of my partner, our marriage. It can only be of God. Good marriages do exist, even if rare, it takes both partners working at it constantly and God.

@Anon2 - thanks for your kind words and prayers. I want to present my relationship in as honest a light as possible for myself to chronicle the growth, but also for others because I feel too many people still believe in fairytales. I've been blessed with a great love but we still gotta work at it! :-)

@MorayoJones - thanks for stopping by and yes please do come back! I look forward to your comments :-)

@Myne - It's good to see you back on my blog! Welcome back. Thanks for your comments.

@dayor - thanks for your prayers. Sometimes u just realize that the emotions you feel are just too negative and in a marriage for you to move on in a positive you have to let it go. You just have to let it go and that requires the Holy Spirit's help. I'm happy to ask for help.

@mstizzle - I hate fights too! But this one was a big one it couldn't have been avoided. Sometimes you need an altercation to get things out, or to the change the course on something. I think we grew a bit closer. I completely understand the fear when you say "this isn't working", it's a big dramatic moment whenever anyone says it. The thing is when I said it I think I meant we have to change some things, not everything. Maybe I should be clearer next time I get that emotion! Thanks for your comments and prayers!

Cor d'Harmonie said...

this is one of the best blogs on my dashboard, I love it so much.

Post a Comment

Till My Dying Day © 2008. Design by Pocket