Have I abandoned this blog? Maybe. Maybe not. I've been extremely busy, but I know that's a familiar refrain. It really is true though. Thing is being extremely busy with work means you have to play catch up with friends and family and by the time that is done, you just don't have the time to sit, think, then compose your thoughts on the blog. I can say that I will do better but I truly don't know I'll play it by ear.
Now on to baby bumps and the biggest baby bump of them all: the Carter baby bump aka Beyonce's Bun In the Oven. I mentioned very early on in the life of this blog that Beyonce and Jayz are one of the couples that I look to and that inspires me (the other are the Obamas). I have to say when I saw her on the View a few weeks back, I said to Bo, I think this chick is preggers. He teased me because he thought I was just thinking that from the song "Countdown" in which she says "I'm trying to make us three..." Bo thinks I'm nuts. Lol. Anyway, I'd like to think I called it early. Ha. But on a serious note any and everything brings to mind my own baby watch and since Beyonce and I are reasonably agemates, the news of her expecting has got me in a conflicting mood. Everyone's having babies! Do I want one?
Last week Bo and I had a serious conversation about babywatch (yet again) and though he didn't say it, my sense is that he's not ready for a child or to be a father. I think he's one of those people who probably won't see themselves in that role until they're nearing forty. I understand that. He also mentioned he's a bit anxious or worried about the possibility of my infertility so he's not sure he wants to jump into that kettle of fish just yet. I understand this also. But I'm left thinking what is it I (ME) want? We went visiting with a friend of ours who has a 4-month old baby and she grabbed me aside and said "Let me talk to you, if you want to have kids, take it from me just do it now and get it over with, just do it. I'm so relieved I have this child now, all the weight is taken off my shoulders, I can move on with my life now. Just do it." Sigh. Now I appreciate her advise and really love her for actually giving it to me, but it's just put so much pressure on me and my thoughts. Should I just do it now and get it over with? If I'm completely honest with myself, I've never been one of those women who sees herself being someone's mother (or even wife for that matter and look how that turned out!). Bo said to me during our conversation "It's not like you can give it back when you're done" and this is so true and hit me. It's not a, "let's just try it..." kind of decision, it's yours for life. What happens when:
- You don't think you're ready for a baby BUT
- You're medically at risk for infertility AND
- You're not getting any younger
- You're almost sure if you're 50 and don't have a child you'll regret not having the experience PLUS
- Your hubby is not ready (and you need him to be ready for this kind of thing)
Now some people have all kinds of clever ways to deal with point #5, let me say that I don't subscribe to any of that. I need my husband to be ready (it's just courtesy for another human being's feelings), and to be excited about it as well. So that takes care of that. However there's still the issue of everything put together.
So there's that. Thanks Beyonce for adding to baby pressure....lol. I'm really happy for her though.
12 comments:
i'm so excited for her too! lately i have actually been warming to the idea of having a baby. it is strange that around this time last year i was an adamant no ... there was no way i would be wanting to have a baby. same went for hubby. but lately we are both thinking that we want to start trying next year, and believe it or not, i am getting excited.
so if you are not ready right now, doesn't mean you won't be ready a few years from now. take it from me, i thought i would never be ready! :)
ok so I am a doc that practice obstetrics and also a married Nigerian mother. I see what your friend is saying, our culture is kinda hard because sometimes some distant family member don't even see you as married or else you have a child together. I discussed with my husband from the beginning how long we wanted to wait because we both wanted to wait but we also didn't want to have a child to early. She is 2 months old now and we will be 4 yrs married in Dec. and 8 yrs of being the best of friends. However, a man must be ready...a lot of times when it happens by accident they get over it but I have seen it go the other way. When I deliver a baby and I hand it to mom saying congrats! and the dad are not too into it. I pray hard for the mom. Sometimes the mom's have postpartum depression because dad's are not helpful or involved. All men tend to have a little jealousy especially when u nurse, they feel left out but when they really want it, they talk to you about it and get over it. You will not have infertility in Jesus name, although many women fear it and come to me about it. If there is an actual reason for your concerns, it is better to start early, it is harder for us to tackle and more expensive the older you get. Lemme know if any other qestions. Good luck to u and Bo- you will make cute kids :)
Sorry I don't have any advice to give here. But I can relate because I've been diagnosed with PCOS and trying for a baby is not something I would want to leave too long. But I believe its true, you have to be in the boat together. I trust that conceiving will not be as difficult as you think it may be. My good friend had her first baby after 5 years, they just weren't ready. Do what works for you. Bo is right, its just a big responsibility and one can't pull out..'no refunds, no exchanges'..lol! Welcome back, I missed your posts.
Glad your back, missed you.
I think its extremely devious for women to cotch their husbands into having kids when clearly their not ready. Its selfish to them and unhealthy for the child. Please don't try that no matter how desperate you get. Its evil. Its deceptive.
To be honest Kemi, the issue of children should've been something you and Bolaji should've discussed prior to marriage but whats done is done, lets work with the now :)
I don't believe you should just have kids for the sake of having them, it should be something you both want, something you both feel ready for, however there is a time for everything and our bodies are designed to have children in our younger years than in our older years and with your possibility of infertility, if you leave it too late you may find that you will later regret not making the most of the time/opportunity. Yes we know with God all things are possible, we read in the Bible of Sarah and Elizabeth haviing kids in their old age but they were unique cases where God had a specific purpose. He designed the human body and He created everything to have its time and place. Ecclesiastes 3:1-15, even ants as we read in Proverbs 6:6 and 30:24-25 tell us this :)
I wish I could give say more. Your situation is indeed a tricky one. *hugs*
I'm not married (yet) and neither do I have kids but I came across the following article not long ago. I hope it will be of help to both you and Bolagi. Continue to pray:
http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1502
Look babes if you and your hubby don't want to have kids, then don't. Leave the prayerline for those of us who want and are waiting on God. Its not by force that every married couple must have kids. Enjoy yourself, travel around the world and stash up your millions. Don't force what aint there. Live your life and let the kid biz be. Please free yourself of the pressure.
is it me or does it seem like u blog about babies alot?? do u want babies, do u like babies or ur not ready for them???.. i dont understand.. ur so inconsistent.. i mean which is it???? make up ur damn mind cus its getting old and tired... when u talk about babies it irks me cuz i cant figure out which side ur on...if u want babies seriously go for it and stay positive...and if u dont do us all a favour and quit talking about it!!!!
My dear, pray about it and put your feelings on hold. The Lord brings the peace which passes ALL understanding....he would take confusion from your midst and lead you in the right direction...and if it's a yes, there would come a time when you both would want it.
God gives children, and he doesn't work with biological clocks or infertility possibilities, he also prepares the heart of men to receive, as well as provides the resources to take care of you, three/four or five.
Relax...if you are indeed talking to God about the child that is his, he would let you know when he's ready and you would be at peace.
...if you want to keep talking about babies, house chores or whatever it is, go ahead...it's YOUR blog...tillYOURdyingday...not ours...don't let any one of us discourage your write-ups...
@Faith, I totally understand what you're saying. Really I think we're gonna start trying next year but ever since we decided that is when the floodgates of am i REALLY ready or not started lol.
@Nenyenwa, thanks. I think part of the oscillation is knowing one thing intuitively and really wishing it wasn't that way. I'm sure everything will turn out perfect.
@love.live.learn, thanks for your comments. I'm glad I have someone who's been diagnosed with PCOS reading this blog. I don't have PCOS but seriously sometimes it's hard to differentiate between what I do have and PCOS, they are so similar. It really is the main thing that complicates this baby decision for me. I think I want to wait and then I have a not so great day and I'm reminded that hmmm, the quicker I do this thing the better oh. Thanks so much for your encouragement though. It really helps.
@Adenike, thank for the article, I'll go read now. Of course Bo and I talked about children and when we want to have kids and how many and how many years apart. I think I've even posted about that. We're still on plan for that. We have a general TTC date in mind but it's like the minute we decided on an actual TTC date, I felt I had to start dealing with my issues about pregnancy and being a mother in preparation for that.
@Anon1, aww thanks. I hope I'm not coming across as insensitive to those who are looking to have kids. I do plan to do many of the things I want to do as soon as I can do them now, but I also believe we will be able to take one or two vacations together as a family. yes, they'll be different but that's life and I'm actually looking forward to that. Oh, and God has infinite prayerlines, in fact my line is strictly dedicated to me! Ha!
@Anon2, :-) thanks for reading my blog, I really appreciate that and you seem passionate about it too! Okay, what would you have me write about?
@H, I hear you. Thanks for your reassuring words. Don't worry, the blog is and will always be tillmydyingday *wink.
@ Anon2 nawa for you o, leave kemi alone its her blog let her write what she want to write.Having a child is a big decision its only natural for her to constantly contemplate on it.
@ Kemi am single and not married but i can imagine the pressure you feel, may God grant you whatever would bring you JOY.
Hey Kemi,
Whilst I can understand that this is not a 'christian' blog, I was reading the following devotional yesterday for my own personal (spiritual) growth/edification and couldn't help but think of you: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1749
One of the commentors shared a link to her blog where she shared of her own personal testimony of waiting on God concerning her desire to go to Mozambique as a missionary (http://hiswonderfuldeeds.blogspot.com/p/our-mission-call.html) .
The desire was in her heart however in marriage 1+1=1 not 2, so first her "I" had to turn to "we" before she could pursue her desire, in other words she prayerfully committed her husband's heart into God's hand asking that God will give him the desire too to be a missionary in Mozambique. She prayed and patiently and faithfully waited for God to do a work in her husband's heart and for that perfect peace which passes all understanding. In God's time He answered her prayer. I believe Kemi that you are in a waiting period (all of us are called to wait at some point during life, though the thing we are waiting on differs from the next person). I will encourage you to continue to wait quietly (meaning: do not fret, look at others having babies, give into the pressure from family and friends, worry over your present medical condition, don't nag your husband) and patiently, tell God whats on your mind, your fears and about your uncertainty and just wait for Him to give you peace about the whole thing and to put the desire into Bolaji's heart.
The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension,
shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Phiilippians 4:4-9).
Anon 2:07pm, I hope your desire will be granted soon. Continue to hope :-)
Hmmm... I really wish you all the best, take it to God in prayer...he'll direct you.
I believe you both should be ready though...maybe set a possible time line?
Baby pressure! I feel you a bit on this one. The funny thing is it won't go away even after 1. People expect that you'll give the baby an 'aburo'!
Best to do it your way!
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