Monday, August 1, 2011

Let's Talk About Sex

Monday, August 1, 2011

I was reading another blog post when this post came to me and I knew i just have to write about it. I've heard too many times too many women talk and worry about sexual compatibility and what the man is packing or how he is packing. I've seen friends dismiss very lovely men because of some perceived sexual deficiency and others who've waited worry about sexual performance after the wedding. It's no secret that I truly believe that my relationship with Bo was orchestrated by the Divine Himself and I thank God every day that we were both lucky enough to not mess things up too badly.

But I have a story to tell about our sexual history. In the beginning of our relationship Bo and I did embark on a sexual relationship. Where our story takes a wild turn is that as it became apparent that ours was a serious one, we both decided that we were going to be celibate until we were married. Those beginning times were not pretty. I would say Bo and I were not compatible sexually. Based on my experiences I wanted one thing, and based on his experiences he wanted something else. It was very VERY awkward those days. However as it became clearer to me that I was falling in love with this man, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands. We started to talk openly about our histories, anxieties, desires, wants and needs. We shared everything about what importance we place on sexual satiety and really I believe this was probably the foundation of us deciding to be celibate later on. Then I decided within myself that I was going to be patient, encouraging, and honest with this man. I wanted him to feel comfortable with me, to feel comfortable trying and failing and trying again. I wanted things to be natural and fun, and with him being a man I wanted him to own his sexuality, his feelings. I was open to learning his style and rhythm and I got over any shyness and was very open about what I liked, how, and when. I think this really helped us, my being willing to teach as it were, what it was that worked for me. So many women don't want to teach because of their shyness or for fear of being labeled. I say don't be afraid of your body and of what it is telling you. I think lastly we just decided to have fun with it, to create a safe fun haven for both of us to express ourselves and enjoy each other. If it's awkward, so be it. We'll get the hang of it eventually.

We hadn't fully learnt this lesson when we decided to go celibate. However I think I'm the loudest testament to the fact that one year and a half year into my marriage, I have the most satisfying sex life I've ever had in my life (and that's saying...well, enough). My husband truly rocks my world and I can say that confidently. Whenever I hear women say, "I can't talk to him because the sexual chemistry is not there", I always think what is that? Trust me, once you fall in love with a man, half the battle is done. Love is amazing. It is the tie that God has used to bind us together and believe me it is perfect. If the guy is a wonderful person, kind soul, thoughtful, and madly in love with you, allow yourself to be swept away in love. The sex is supposed to come later, it WILL come later, and it WILL be fabulous. Don't worry and allow yourself to fall!

PS - For those waiting for Bo's post, he's written about half of it. Honestly at this point, I'm not sure WHEN the other half is going to get written. I'll remind him tomorrow. I have to say, having read a bit of it, it's no where as colored as my writing, very much less mushy and much more methodical, practical, and straightforward. I should have expected that though.


Nylse said...

i'm glad you wrote this because i've felt this way for a long time...just wasnt as brave as you to write it.

LadyNgo said...

Man, i have a post sitting in my drafts called lets talk about sex. Its been sitting there for weeks. now i have to go and change the title lol.

In everything, communication is key. Sex included. And if you aren't *insert adjective here* enough to talk about sex with your partner or potential partner, then you shouldn't be having it and darn sure shouldn't be complaining when you don't enjoy it. Closed mouths do not get fed and men are not mind readers (although it would be great if they some cases)

Blessing said...

Thanks for sharing...more couples need to consider this prior to marriage...I pray my future husband rocks my world too o! ;-)

Omoregee said...

Woooosh! Tx for sharing, it is refreshing to read this......

Miss Onakz.... said...

This has always been my thought whenever my friends and I talked about sex in marriage but I never had reference because I haven't gotten married to say. So you have become my reference. Thanks for sharing.
Can't wait to read Bo's post.

P.E.T. Projects said...

Mushy or not, i still look forward to reading his side of the story, infact the more practical the better, there arent alot of men writing about realistic things in blogsville. said...

This post was really inspired. Thanks for sharing.

@ilola said...

Thanks for sharing. I really believe in waiting than in experimenting. Everything can be taught and learnt within the confines of marriage.

H said...

I #cosign with every word of this post.

Why do people feel they need to experiment? I understand that sex can be quite inviting but the argument, "I need to test this girl in bed to see if we are compatible" totally throws me off balance.

Sex seals the deal, it creates a covenant between a man and woman, by the time you test every Tom, Dick and Harry or Tracy, Dayna and Henrietta, u're digging a hole for yourself.

Waiting and teaching is not something Einstein needed to come up with, it's totally viable and worth it.

t said...

Chemistry is real, but even where there is something lacking sexually:
Repetition helps, in my humble opinion. Keep doing it, lol.
True love and care also can help inspire good sex.

I wonder if there are STILL some lost causes, sex-wise, though.

Triumphant said...

I totally agree with what 'H' said. In addition this is why pre-marital sex is so dangerious. After one has test the waters with various individuals and end up marring ones experiences will shape ones expectations. Perfect example is what Kemi states in this post "Based on my experiences I wanted one thing, and based on his experiences he wanted something else." When our appitite is exposed/opened we will continue to crave for it. Solution is to wait until marriage so that you won't be turned out or you wont miss what you don't know about.

Kemi said...

@Nylse, there were many times I wanted to delete the post but I thought it's a part of real life so why not?

@LadyNgo, you don't have to change it, lol. You've said everything.

@Blessing, and I will join you in saying AMEN!

@Omoregee, thanks for reading :-)

@Miss Onakz, I'm glad to be your reference. It's true. Bo's post is coming.

@P.E.T, it's coming up, I promise., thanks for reading.

@ilola, hold on to your beliefs, but read and prepare yourself too!

@H, I laughed at digging a hole. Naughty me! I don't subscribe to that argument at all which is where this post came from. Tell me anything but don't tell me that.

@t, I agree with every word. I wonder too....I want to think no, unless there's something wrong with the equipment or hormonally. if not, then I want to think no.

@Triumphant, thanks for your comments. I wouldn't describe premarital sex as "dangerous", outside of exposure to STDs/unwanted pregnancy. I would describe it as either desirable or not-desirable. I have arguments for both sides. Also I don't think appetite being exposed or not exposed leads to different tastes. I know people who abstained before marriage and still ended up having different tastes, for example the lady liked loads of cuddles and hugs, and the man thinks both should be left alone after sex. I don't think taste is a matter of experience, it's who we are and how we are wired. This post was just to say for those waiting and for those NOT waiting, that sexual satiety CAN be learned. I did it.

Faith said...

beautiful post!

looking forward to reading Bo's post!

Anonymous said...

can't wait to talk about sex when I get married lol. I think I'll just get wild and over-rated. Why not, after waiting so long lol.

Anonymous said...

How was the whole celibacy period during the relationship? How easy was it? Did you slip at any time?

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