Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Ghosts of Days Past

Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I just had to blog about this.

So my ex got married recently. I'm connected to him on facebook and that's how I found out he was getting married and that's how I found link to his pics on my homepage. I flicked through the pictures and they were indeed quite beautiful. Both he and his bride looked beautiful, and happy, and content. What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of strong emotions that washed over me as I flicked through those pictures. I got a full sense of life and living and how strange it all is. Let me explain.

I met Femi when I was 18. I was a freshman in college and he was the cousin of one of my closest friends. We actually met ourselves online and then it progressed to MSN Messenger, then it progressed to phone calls, to late night marathon 5hr phone calls, to visits, etc. You get the point. We did not start dating until I was 21 and then we were together for 3 years. Femi was my absolute best friend and he was the man I grew up with. We were REALLY REALLY close and he was everything any girl would want. Very attentive, very affectionate, very thoughtful, VERY romantic, very protective, great listener, always said sorry at the right time, believed in my goals etc. I mean if you can imagine talking on the phone for about 4hrs each night (at least) for 6 years, then you can understand how close we were. Whenever we saw each other it was never enough. Then a funny thing happened. Femi is 6 years older than me and by the time I turned 23, he was turning 29, and he was so ready to get married. He was always a one-woman, monogamist kinda guy and he was ready to just settle down and build a family with the woman he loved. So on a beautiful evening, after dinner, Femi proposed to me. Red petals, live singer, and a beautiful ring in a champagne flute. I hugged him and we kissed and laughed but when we got home I sat him down and told him my answer was no. I wasn't ready to get married, I was still young, I had so much I wanted to do career wise, etc, and I just felt it was the age difference that was pushing him. So I told him I didn't think it was the right time. Femi took it in stride but it was only as our days continued that I started to realize things had changed for us. Looking back on it now, I know he was hurt deeply, as of course it would have been normal for him to feel. But I honestly, honestly was too young and mature to even know or understand what was going on really. We started to fight. Femi and I in the ENTIRE course of our relationship never really fought, yea we had disagreements but they were almost always resolved within minutes. But after the proposal we started to fight. Like real, blown-out fight. The last one I remember is one where we actually shouted at each other. He hung up, I hung up. Usually he would have called back within seconds but that time, nothing. Soon after we broke up.

It really was a hard break up, the kind where you sever all ties. Until just before Bolaji. He called and told me about his new girlfriend. He told me she was moving to the States to be with him. He told me it was getting serious. I just listened. A little while later he called again, said he was coming to the city I was in and he wanted to see me. We talked for a while on this phone call, about the old times, about my mistake and how I was young and basically that I wanted him back. I told him not to marry his girlfriend. I begged him not to propose. He said we'll see, we have to talk and he wants to see me when he comes. As fate would have it, on his trip we missed each other entirely, he lost his phone with my number, I lost his contact details (long story) and we missed each other until a few hours before his trip back. We ran into each other, embraced for a while and again reminisced about us wistfully. He told me point blank he was moving to Europe for a while and if we are to work, I'd have to consider moving there. He was rushing off and that's where we left it. I met Bolaji soon after and life swept me off in different directions. Truth be told, I was scared about making that last move to Femi and Bolaji became the right distraction at the right time (in the beginning).

So last year when Femi added me on facebook, I accepted. And then I saw that he was getting married soon. I took in a tight breath but steeled myself. I even sent him a congratulatory message.

But yesterday, he posted the link to his wedding pictures. I saw it and it all came back in a funny way. I have absolutely no doubts of my love for Bolaji, absolutely no doubts that he is my husband and my future, he is my soulmate and my heart. But I saw those pics and they did something to me. Femi was a good guy to me. He was loving, kind, and he was good to me. He still looks exactly like the guy who loved me and would move the earth for me. He still looked like the guy I would call and talk to every night for 6 years. He looked the same. but he was different.

I'm different.

Life's funny that way. Wherever Femi and his bride are I wish them the very best of life, love, laughter, and happiness. Even if he is half as good to her as he was to me, they'd be solid for ever, and if she's makes half an effort more than I did then they'd be perfect forever. I pray God heals me completely, fully, from the feeling of wistfulness and loss, and mistake, more than I had thought he had before.

I had to share this here so it would be therapeutic for me. Don't worry I've already spoken to my babe about this!!! :-) I'm gonna blog more and soon about the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life recently. I can't wait till December 2010 oh, I've told my babe, he and I are gonna celebrate passing through this very exciting but chaotic time in our lives.

Oh, and three more months till my engagement, so let the countdown begin! By the way anyone have ideas as to what I should be doing? I haven't done anything yet for this engagement that's happening o...thanks for all your help!

Monday, October 19, 2009

10 Facts About My Beloved

Monday, October 19, 2009
Just like my blog is devoted to the king of my heart, my beau, my boo, my sweetheart, my love, this little post is also devoted to Bolaji. I have never ever been more sure of anything as I'm so sure that you are my man, my partner, the own whom God created for me to love. So before much mushness ado, let's get to 10 facts about my beloved.

  1. I am the first black person Bolaji has ever dated. Nope, not Nigerian person, but black person. But don't be alarmed, I'm only the second person he's ever dated. Now I don't know if that's caused much more commotion than the first! Trust me, I was somewhat perplexed when he first told me as well but it made me appreciate and understand him more. As selfish as it is I'm glad he's not that playboy that everyone has had a go with.
  2. My babe does not watch sports. He's pretty much not into ANY sport. Oh he enjoys the occasional game or two and somehow between the BBC World and the London Times websites he keeps up with current happenings, but he just is not fussed about the whole thing which is a good thing for me! Bonus: Bo also does not play video games. He'll watch if others, read "the boys" are playing but he doesn't know how to play and he's not very interested in learning. I think it makes him feel silly, lol. Case in point, recently we went out to a friend's house party and while the boys were all so engrossed in the new FIFA, my babe kept on going back and forth between the living room and the dining room where I was watching "Why Did I Get Married". I'm sure he'd rather be sailing.
  3. Bolaji doesn't watch TV. We have a TV in the house because I pestered him to buy one but we haven't watched it in about 4 months. I am a TV addict, and I love my E! Entertainment but since I haven't had the chance to go pay for DSTV since I've been back from Europe, the TV has been useless. I can tell you it's the LAST thing on his mind. He's just weird like that.
  4. My boo went to public school England. This experience impacted him so much and is really why he is the man today. He's so open to life and to experiences and we share that bond together.
  5. Bo and my father went to the same high school in Nigeria. Yes like eons apart, but same high school and apparently the same Residence hall. How strange is that
  6. I am marrying a man who doesn't like his alcohol. Bo will have one or two drinks here and there but 8 times out of 10 he'd just rather have a coke or a tonic. Meanwhile when I'm in party mode, I'm in party mode u know, but even with me slightly tipsy, my boo is equally as high, but on life not vodka and red bull, lol. I respect this so much about him. He threw a challenge at me once and said to be in full control of your life you need to be able to have fun without ANY intoxication, that's TRUE fun. Have a drink because you want to but not because it enhances your fun.
  7. Bolaji's favorite past time right now is sailing. I didn't say yachting o, I meant sailing. So those "boats" that have like only two paddles and people are hanging off the sides? Yes, my boo loves the sport. It gives him a rush anytime he's preparing to go sailing. There are some days that we have errands to run on Saturday and I hate seeing his eyes light up and then go back down when I remind him he can't go sailing this weekend because we have to go check out wedding invites. :-(
  8. Every morning I'm woken up with a flurry of kisses. I don't mean a brisk peck, but I mean about 20/30 little kisses. I love that my babe does this because I wake up feeling so loved and cherished.
  9. This one is a non-pleasant one lol! Bolaji is a public farter. Let me explain. In my house we grew up with the rule that unless you're in the toilet and/or on the toilet seat, and so long as there's someone else around you that can either hear or smell your fart, just hold it in or excuse yourself and go to the toilet. Obviously this memo did not get on Bo's desk, he farts whenever and wherever the mood hits him. Thankfully he isn't a public farter in the sense that I can't even go places with him, but I'm the public too and he shouldn't let one big one rip while we're both sipping wine in the living room, lol. I'm still working on him with this one.
  10. Bolaji is the most thoughtful and caring person I know. He's one of those people that if they're shopping in a store and say carry a magazine that they wanted to buy and then decided against it, will walk all the way back to where the picked up the magazine and arrange it neatly back. I on the other hand can just leave whatever it is wherever I am but whenever I do this, Bo will stop, pick it up, and return it!
Ok whew! I thought I wouldn't make it to 10 but this has been a really good exercise. I was at work and really missing my boo and came up with this nice idea to get me writing and not missing my fiance. And to think we'll be seeing each other in another three and a half hours...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

No Matter What

Tuesday, October 13, 2009
no matter what i'm gonna marry the man of my dreams
no matter what i'm gonna walk down that aisle in my dress
no matter what i'll have love and family surrounding me
no matter what i'm gonna shimmy and shimmy on that dance floor
no matter what i'm gonna forget you didn't like it all
no matter what i won't look at you and be upset that you end up having fun
no matter what i'm gonna wake up that morning and be grateful for the day
no matter what my ceremony will be outside with a Methodist minister
no matter what my vendors will respect me and not email YOU
no matter what i will feel the love of my lost ones
no matter what i wont get upset and loose site of why i'm here
no matter what my man, my babe, my fiance and i will see it through
no matter what at the end of the day it will be me and him, hand in hand
no matter what our love will endure your pettiness
no matter what we will grow stronger through this
no matter what

Monday, October 12, 2009

All Cried Out

Monday, October 12, 2009
I spent this past weekend crying. I cried so much on Friday and then Saturday I was crying intermittently and then Sunday it got better but there were still times that the tears welled up.

My wedding may be postponed.

My wedding may not happen.

I have been having so much troubles with Bolaji's parents that I don't know the head or tail of it all. Since my relationship started I've tried to do everything the way my mother taught me, respectfully and cheerfully. To be myself at all times and to respect their opinions and principles while not loosing mine. But now I'm starting to get the sinking feeling that they just don't want me in their son's life at all. For whatever reason. They have made EVERY single decision we've made as a couple very difficult. The most excitement I've ever gotten from them both was "so how is planning coming". That is it. The day Bolaji and I got engaged I called my mom and she was so very excited, screaming on the phone and everything, praying for us and congratulating us. When we called Bolaji's parents, his mom refused to get on the phone and the first thing out of his father's mouth was "engagement is not wedding". And that was it. I was upset but Bolaji told me to brush it off that his parents are just not communicative. I feel this was my biggest mistake. If I had known at the time I would have known how to react and I would have insisted on the long engagement both Bolaji and I planned.

We picked our dates over two months ago. Actually, my mom picked the dates and we communicated to Bolaji's parents right at the time and the thoughts and considerations that went it. They wrote it down and agreed. Last week Bolaji's parents informed us they were going on vacation to the same country we had chosen for our destination wedding. We didn't say anything about this because they had mentioned something about it a while ago. We even drove them to the airport and they said nothing. On thursday they randomly send us an email that they will be going to visit our venue since they were already there. I had no problems with this and gave Bolaji the go ahead on that. Later thursday evening, they send us another email saying they had gone to the venue, spoken to the coordinator and that we should be expecting some documents from the coordinator soon. WHAT? apparently they had also gone to a chapel in that same city looking around for the pastor there (this bit is random as we are not even having an indoor ceremony!). And for the final piece de resistance: they think we should change the traditional date because we would be tempted to have sex after the traditional ceremony. WHAT??? so Bolaji sends them back an email saying very politiely that it is almost impossible to change the dates as venues have been booked and all family members alerted. We hear nothing until Friday afternoon, my mom forwards me an email that they had sent to her, essentially rubbishing every single decision and choice we've made about the wedding, and exaggerating a lot of facts. Even worse, the email sounded like they were not aware of all our plans, which they are!!! We even gave them a breakdown budget of all the cost elements of the wedding. My mom was very upset because after Bolaji proposed to me, it took them 1 month and a half to actually call my mother, and when they did they spent 5 minutes on the phone and before hanging up my mom heard them say, "hopefully Bolaji is happy now and will stop bugging us about calling". After the initial 5min phone call FOUR MONTHS AGO, Bolaji's parents have not picked up the phone or even emailed or texted my mom. Until now when they email her saying they want to change the date of the engagement to prevent us from having sex BETWEEN the engagement and the white wedding. Please keep in mind that our court wedding is before the engagement o.

Bolaji suspect that maybe they don't want him to marry me. They've never said anything of the sort to him yet but the whole thing reminds him of his last relationship which ended because of the great pressure from his parents to break up with the girl. If that's the case I need to know now before I make decisions a little too late. They just haven't been welcoming to me. They've been very standoff-ish, as if they are just tolerating me or are waiting to see. They've never showed excitement about the wedding. Me I'm just tired. I only want to go where I'm wanted and barring that, then unfortunately we would have to start our young family remaining distant in their lives.

I cried and cried and even now I get upset when I think of it.

I think I'm going to password this blog.

So anyway, no new wedding update. Bolaji wants to postpone it all. I want to postpone it all.
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