Saturday, February 5, 2011

Questions & Answers

Saturday, February 5, 2011
I wanted to wait until I received 10 questions but I'm not sure I'm going to get there so without further ado, here are the six questions and my rather long-winded answers (WARNING - probably the longest post ever). By the way, the questions were so good I had to share some with hubby.

Your blog is based upon your relationship/marriage with Bolaji. I'm curious, did you get everything you wanted in a mate and if no, what three things weren't included in the package and how do you deal with not having them?

Wow, this is a good question. So good I had to discuss it with Bo this morning while he was in the shower. I am very vocal about telling anyone who cares to listen that I did NOT get everything I wanted in a mate in Bo. I talked about it a bit in this post here. I loosely believe in the 80/20 rule when it comes to this. No one is going to get everything they want but list all the things that are important to you and if the guy has 80% of it, the remaining 20% challenges you to love the person you’ve got wholly. After all no one’s perfect; not you, not me.

If I were to name the things that weren’t included (and it was hard for me to think up), I’ll lump them into Physical, Gift-giving/Celebratory, Romantic. The last two and three are very related because I couldn’t think up a third. Physically - Bo was not the type I would go for, at all. He’s a completely different build and height; Gift-giving/Celebratory – I love to celebrate every little thing that can be celebrated. I love birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries and even St. Patrick’s Day. I love it all. Bo is very much NOT like that. For example, I don’t think he’s EVER given me a card and I don’t think it even crosses his mind lol, on ANY occasion. Which leads to Romance – I think my husband is romantic but in a natural kind of way. Once he came to pick me up at the airport with roses, i.e at Murtala International Airport. So that was pretty romantic. And he does our “thousand kisses” ritual. But romance in that over the top gesture mixed with surprise etc., very much not my guy.

How do I deal with it? With the physical I’ve pretty much just gotten over it and I’m so attracted to him now because he’s no longer a spec but this wonderful person I know. I LOVE that I love this man now and learnt to love him from the inside out. He’s beautiful and perfect to me now. The gift-giving/Celebratory, well, let’s just say I drop hints when I can and when I can’t I try to fulfill my own expectations. So if I want something special I plan something special and not wait for him to do it. This is a work in progress I must confess. I should add also that Bo has been trying to meet my expectations here and that is very sweet also.

I wanted to know, so when you and your husband started dating, were you both at the same level spiritually in your walk with Christ? And at what point did you know he was the one you wanted to marry and same for him? Also, in your dating days, how did you pray about your relationship?

This is a tough question. I think most importantly we both wanted a closer relationship with God and yearned to be better Christians. When we were dating Bo mentioned that he'd had questions in the past about the existence of God, the point of religion etc. and at those points would maybe have described himself as atheist or something like that. I admit I've never had questions to that extent. All through my life God was just there, was God, and He has always been a part of my life. Of course there came I time I had to define my beliefs for myself and establish a personal relationship but I don't think I completely disconnected as maybe Bo did at that time. However unquestionably, my hubby knows more about God's word, i.e the Bible than I do. Unquestionably. Bo can quote fluently from the Bible and knows the stories and characters in the Bible. He does this better than most people I've met. I think we're a good match in the sense that I believe I'm more spiritually in-tune and more adept at communicating with God but He's better at the follow-through. So for example this morning I said Bo I think we need to spend more time in God's word, I feel a distance in our spiritual life and he says ok, we have to start daily meditation again, let's pick a specific time and commit to this. So without him I might have just felt the distance, prayed one or two times and lapsed again and without me he may just never even feel the distance. So we're more of a team now.

I knew he was the one I wanted to marry when one day my brother had to take an exam he had been studying for for quite some time. It was important. We had just started dating and I think I mentioned this exam just once to Bo months before. On the day of the exam he calls me to ask if I'd spoken to my brother and how the exam went. I was impressed at his thoughtfulness. That day I went home and started thinking, wait a minute, this man has everything I say I want in a companion/partner. I knew that day. I think if you would ask him he would probably say when I got a job transfer to the states and he knew he didn't want to be without me.

Honestly, I can't remember how I prayed about the relationship. I think I prayed mostly for God to prepare me, that if this was my husband, that I can be what he needs me to be and he can be what I need him to be. The day I finally said yes to him being my boyfriend I remember vividly going into the bathroom of the restaurant we were in, and saying to God, "okay, okay, okay, I hear You loud and clear. I'm going to jump in wholly now, with no safety net but You have to guide me oh, I'm only going to follow your leading." Then I called my Mom and asked her to pray for me and for us.

How did you and Bo meet (you don't have to give specifics that will reveal your identity - a general answer like a friend introduced us would work too)? How old were you when you got married? What do you and your hubby do to keep your marriage fresh and spicy?

Bo and I met at Newscafe, we were in a group of friends.

As for age, well, let's just say I'm still in my twenties and I've been married for almost a year now ;-)

Well, we have date night once a week where no phones are allowed and we are not to hang out with other people. Just the two of us. We also take trips together often. Not big deal holidays but mini-vacation trips. We could just go to IITA in Ibadan, or Kaduna, or Ekiti, or Enugu, for the weekend. Or we go to an African country close by that we discover all by ourselves. Another thing is communication. We talk and talk about everything. I mean everything. If a large mosquito bit me I would probably tell my husband about it. Everyday in Lagos brings something new so the conversation is never stale. Lastly, I mentioned before that I keep a book of sex tips by my bedside cabinet and we actually do them! No matter how outrageous. We go shopping for lingerie every so often, we look out for and try new positions (many times giggling and laughing out loud at how ridiculous we feel lol), introduce warming gels etc. The sky's the limit, we just have fun with it.

You mentioned you had fertility issues, what is it and how are you and Bo coping with it.

Hmm, I really really really want to talk about this because I feel that women aren't open enough on this matters. I think one day I may share more on this but for now my advice to anyone is that almost nobody is "barren" for no reason. I use barren because it's the harsh term most people use around these parts. Usually there's a reason for one not being able to conceive. I would say check your hormones, check your thyroids, go and see BOTH an endocrinologist and a gynecologist. If you're trying to conceive have your husband do a count as well.

My story's quite unusual in that I most definitely was not trying to conceive and wouldn't have even known anything in particular was wrong. However, I randomly had a dream one day where I was in a fertility clinic. It was completely random and the dream was more than that but I won't go into details. The next morning I went to the doctors and asked them to check me out. I had had thryoid issues in the past and from there the doctor checked a lot of things and turns out I had a condition similar to (but not) PCOS - polycystic ovaries syndrome. It's quite "easy" to fix, requiring me to take a pill a day until I have my first child at which point it may correct itself or not and I'd have to essentially take the pill everyday until I hit menopause. Bo is extremely supportive. At this point we don't know how difficult it will be unless we start trying and we have not started trying so no point worrying about it. However it has brought baby-having timelines into focus. It's not something we think about often honestly. I think this is mostly because we're not terribly baby-crazed people.

Why so secrective? I just don't get the authenticity of your blog? are you living vicariously through it? I think yes we or I an relate to some of your post but then again I'm like is this person REALLY being honest? why do you have this blog if you can't reveal your identity? Why is it a secret? Post pics and live a free life...

This question, every time I read it, makes me smile. I don't know how to put it but I just want to be honest on this blog, really honest about the good and heartwarming things and the not-so-good and unpleasant things. It's not about me the person but about my experiences. I censored myself so I wouldn't censor the experiences.

I think I'm flattered that anyone would think I'm living vicariously through my blog. I even mentioned this question to Bo. I'm blessed that I have a great relationship. Believe me I thank God every single day for this amazing gift. I think I've done a decent job of posting both the good things and the bad things and the unpopular things. Sometimes even I want to pinch myself, "how did I get here with this wonderful man", I'm convinced it's a blessing from God. I understand that it would be easy to believe that this relationship and our experiences as I blog about them don't exist, but what can I say, they do.

How many people do you think know about you in connection with your blog (except Bo of course!)?

Is there any pressure from your extended families yet about babies?

I'm not sure but I don't think I want to know. I'm sure a few know but no one has said anything to me at this point which is the way I'd like to keep it. Most times I don't think about it at all.

Yes. There's a lot of pressure from one of the potential grandparents. Bo and I now have a standard answer for anyone who asks, "within the next year or two by God's grace, God's time is the best". After we say this we nod and say yes we understand to everything else they say. We both agree that this is something we will do on our schedule alone, God willing, and no other person's.

Thank you for all questions. It has been interesting and insightful answering them.


Anonymous said...

Ah I didnt know you had a question/answer thing... i would have asked questions.. May be next time.

Blessing said...

Wow, thanks for telling us a little more about yourself...very bold move!

Great answers! Great woman! Great marriage! *thumbs up*

Thanks for sharing again!

Anoda Phase said...

waoh! very insightful. thanks for sharing even more of u n ur relationship with Bo.

Myne Whitman said...

These were really good answers. I smiled at the last question too, and that someone would ask. I always assume all blogs are real, but I'm the optimist, take things at face value so hey!

Thanks for sharing and more love to you and your hubby.

Rita said...

i really enjoyed ur responses to the questions including your honesty. It is not easy to discuss matters such as fertility with such openness and optimism.

It is well with you and your marriage...may you both continue to blossom...

Eve said...

really great answers.
i wish i went anonymous with my blog, i would be able to share ALOT more..
keep writing !

Gbemisoke said...

I smiled as I read your answers, cos I can relate :) I especially love your "standard answer plus nod and say yes response to questions".. now I need to go dig out my Cosmo kama sutra and put it in it's rightful place ;o)

lamikayty said...

Just to say I read your blog and I check it out quite often....I honestly don't think I can be quite open (anon or no) on my blog but I applaud you 'cos truly open-ness is really helpful to others.
Our society 'thrives' (read dies) on secrecy and too many homes have faltered because younger ladies had no one to 'spill' out their guts too.
Your blog tells me marriage is hardwork but the rewards can be and are sweet if you work at it! Good job girl!

Anonymous said...

ok, so my question is... is Bo light skinned or dark skinned?

Gee said...

Really lovely answers---its long but interesting so i dint really think it was long at d end. LOOOL--And a huge LOL to u nd Bo trying out different thing and giggling--lol that is just hilarious to think of!

am said...

I'm new here.
I too have a blog where I would like to remain as anonymous as possible. I struggle with how much to share.
I'm an old wed - but as a newlywed - I relate to you trying different positions and laughing about it. As old folks - the experimentation still happens (though not as frequently).
You are one of the first persons who talks about the spiritual side of your relationship...again I relate to your answers.

Enjoyable post.

Anonymous said...

I'd have loved to ask questions as well!
Great questions and even better answers, I love how you break things down and carry your readers through to completely understanding what you want to convey. I think that is key in all kinds of communication.

Kemi said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. I really enjoyed reading them and Bo and I had fun cracking our brains and trying to answer. it actually allowed us to get closer by trying to figure out what each other's answer to a question would be. So thanks to all who sent in questions!

Post a Comment

Till My Dying Day © 2008. Design by Pocket