Monday, February 21, 2011

In a weird mood

Monday, February 21, 2011

I’m in a very strange mood this evening. Quite a few things going on in my life and sometimes it’s just so difficult to take the time out and just breathe a little bit. I’m a feeling a bit distant from my hubby right now but I think it’s just one of those ebb and flow things and things will flow back around. Sometimes when I’m really busy with work and he’s really busy with work, I just feel that it gets so easy to just not pay attention to each other or be romantic with each other. Last week I had to take a quick trip to London for a training program and wasn’t really looking forward to being away from home but when we got to the airport I had to do a bit of running around to upgrade my flight to first and the minute I came back down, my hubby sighs and says “Kemi, I can’t wait for you to this running around I’ve got to go do some work on project X” I think I got really upset and that must have jump started the distant phase I think we’re currently in. It’s not like we’re fighting or angry at each other, it’s just very blah right now J It happens that way.

While in this not-so-hot phase, I’ve also been thinking about so many things. A few weeks ago, I opened my eyes and rested my head on Bo’s shoulder like I usually do on weekends. Only this time my boo says ever so casually, “I want us to start a family soon, like really soon.” So we proceed to talk about it and we actually settled on a timeline and a start date for us to begin TTC (trying to conceive). All of a sudden it began to feel so real to me. The timeline if you’d like to know is not so far from now. Don’t worry it’s not in the next few months so no countdowns yet as such, but my, it’s quite close. This threw up a few things on my part, I’m not sure I’m ready to have kids. I’m not sure I’ll ever want them really. Then I think okay, I’d want one but that’s only it, ONE. Somehow I don’t think that’s possible. Sometimes I feel like I’m being bullied into this whole phase of my life with both nature and family tying the noose around my neck. I think about it and I get heart palpitations. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person that feels like that, aren’t I supposed to be all maternal and baby-craving at this stage? I’m starting to fear that I’m really not and it scares me to even think what that means.

Moving on to Valentine’s Day (I just remembered I haven’t posted since that long), mine was good but still normal. I have to confess I’m not that into Valentine’s Day as such. I love when hubby makes me feel special but I just don’t necessarily plug in into that whole scene. However my boo made it quite special for me and sent me something in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening, then he cooked me dinner and we had a very lovely time afterwards, wink, wink. I was really impressed, with Bo’s planning that is, and finally had just a little bit of an idea what the fuss was all about!


Yankeenaijababe said...

....Aww how cute, you should have a baby when you are ready, don't rush it but sometimes the timing might never be ready...miss ya girl, my greetings to the hubby, hang in tight, pray about it too.

H said...'s been soo long...

Well I thot of u this morning and I'm glad u decided to blog.

Don't worry, U and Bo would be back in the clouds soon, keep praying, never stop praying cuz once u take even the shortest breaks, that's usually the beginning of worse to come.

About the baby, yea, don't rush but at the same time, if u're going to have one, the earlier the better. You get to grow with the kid, not an old woman running around with a 2 year old.

Re:Maternal instincts, I hear even those that don't plan for kids, develop this indescribable innate love for her kid, where she'd do anything to see that smile.

Who knows, when the baby comes, we'd see a branch out of "till my dying day" or a transformation of your blog to "till my dying day and baby"...(that's how special he/she would be and u wud look back and wonder how u cuda gone on in/with life without ur lil munchkin.

sweetandsensible said...

Maybe you're just one of those people that wont have all the pre-maternal cravings, or maybe you just dont like feeling pressured whatever the issue is...........dont fret, when your baby comes'll probably be all over adoring and all......

HoneyDame said...

uh...I am sitting here and waiting for this to unfold. I have nada experience with matters of such so....more comments please

Just...Toluwa said...

i like ur post. When i get into that place where u r with Bo, the "not angry not fighting but not hot" i get scared! i guess i shld take a clue from u. It will!

Baby or babies? either way, only when u r ready!

Blessing said...

Aww...I'm sorry that you and Bo are not in such a "good" place...but it's normal and it'll pass!

About the baby...just pray about it and express ur concerns to BO...I'm pretty sure that ur not the 1st and certainly not the last person that'll feel this way!

Take care hun!

P.E.T. Projects said...

I think about this sometimes.... u know, how our lives as women gets interrupted cos of the whole baby prep and arrival, but then, i hear we'll learn to adjust somehow and i believe that applies to you too.

Since u're a meticulous planner, i believe with God's grace and Bo's love, u'll grow into the phase and make the best of it

lamikayty said...

is there ever a ready-time? :) Jesus said 'Don't worry about anything...i say the same thing too!

Anonymous said...

You were never super freakishly excited about wedding planning and see how beautifully it all turned out for you, just take a leap of faith.

Tori said...

You are not alone. I don't really want kids. I probably will have some (because I'm sure whoever I end up with will want them). And I'm sure a lot of our mothers felt the same way.

Myne Whitman said...

We're planning our family too, and sometimes comments from people just get me shaking my head. When will they understand that everyone is not the same? All the best sweetie, and snap yourself out of that blah mood quickish, :)

Kemi said...

thanks everyone for your comments! It really puts a smile on my face and makes the day better.

@prayers are always a good thing :-)

@H, I'm glad you missed me :-P thanks for your advice. I need to keep things in perspective.

@sweet, I'm actually quite sure I will be but I would be like that if someone dropped a dog, a cat, a baby, a random stranger in my lap! I understand you though :-)

@HoneyDame, you and me both sister.

@Toluwa, it really DOES pass, I learnt not to panic from Bo. I used to panic as well but he's just always so cool about everything :-) As a matter of fact right now, I'm back in my very in love phase, see!

@Blessing, thanks. we do talk about it and he knows how I feel and is very supportive. we want to work through it together.

@PET, i really love your comment. I agree with you.

@kayty, thanks for your comment. I'm not so much worried as more trying to figure out what exactly it is that I do want. I'm sure kids would be fine, I mean I won't die and I'll never know how my life was before them but at the same time I want to make sure this is really what I want in the first place. It might not be.

@Anon, VERY good point, thanks. It's all a leap of faith isn't it? Thanks for commenting.

@Tori, I agree with you completely. That's the life of a woman isn't it?

@Myne, hello! I really really get where you're coming from :-P It's hard for a lot of people to understand if a woman doesn't want kids. I think not everyone is maternal just depends if you close your eyes and bite the bullet anyway.

Rita said...

Having a child requires emotional, physical and mental preparedness. Yes it happens like magic for some. For some, they have to think and plan about it.

Do take it easy. I pray everything works out for you in due time...

Anonymous said...

Kemi, I second Rita and Myne's comments. I would say like you, I am the type that likes to take my time with kids and all that. My younger sister gave birth to her little girl 3 years ago(she is 3 now) and honestly, I loved her and all that but still did not have that "maternal instinct" of "oh gosh, i need to get my own too soon" even though I have been married for almost 10 years! I did talk to my husband before I married him though that 10 years was the miminum I was going to wait before i think about bringing in a child and he agreed. I did tell him in no uncertain terms then that I will not be changing my mind regardless of the situation and he also accepted. Now I live in the United States and that to a great extent, makes a whole lot of difference(in terms of family putting pressure on us and all that jazz lol). So you not alone at all and you are not strange! Everyone is different and because you are not like XYZ, does not mean you will make a bad mum when your time comes, pray and take your time and most importantly, communicate constantly with your husband your concerns and I am sure he will be understanding and meet you halfway with this issue. All the best

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