Everlasting Honeymoon

Many times I open up the New Post tab and all I want to do is write this:

Gosh, I love my hubby. He's the best. I'm so happy. How can anyone be this happy, should I pinch myself? Gosh this is so cool guys. I feel like I'm falling in love everyday, freshly. How did I get this lucky? Happy, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Love, Love, Love....

Then I smack myself across the face. Of course no one wants to read that, it's nauseating. How is that news? Then I think about something that's happened recently that's worth sharing because there's a story or a lesson behind it, there's a use to it. But today is a day that my heart is so full, and I'm so much in love, and feeling REALLY blessed.

I just got home from a friend's wedding (day off from work, YES!). I never used to like weddings at all before I got engaged, I could care less for them. Before getting engaged I had probably been to 3 weddings in my entire life. Then of course by the time I got engaged, wedding season amongst our friends and family was in full effect, and everyone knows if you want anyone to come to yours, you've gotta go to theirs so we went to quite a few. We started to enjoy them a bit more but we still wouldn't willingly give up our saturdays for it, you know. THEN we got married and i've already posted a bit about how the first few weddings I went to were tough for me because I couldn't help but compare myself and my wedding to the bride and her wedding. I'm happy to report that I am firmly over that phase now.

But this traditional wedding we went to today was very special. The bride is a friend of mine for a few years now and the groom funny enough is one of Bolaji's closest friends. Soon after we got engaged, naturally, all eyes just turned to Nkem because they were just that close. Of course, the ring came soon after and we were all so excited and we've been waiting for this date for a long time. Nkem and Sheila are such a nice and sweet couple. I was so happy to be participating in Sheila's wedding and since she's the first close friend of mine to get married after me, it was like I was experiencing the whole process anew. It took me back to my day and just the romance of knowing you are tied to your hubby in the eyes of all your family and relatives. I started to think of how marrying Bolaji was the best thing that has EVER happened to me and got really teary eyed at my friend Sheila also experiencing this same special happiness and joy of being a WIFE.

I have to say also seeing my hubby in his white lace, VERY GQ'd out, I was so happy, like that man is MY HUBBY! There's something about a nice Nigerian man, in a crisp white lace, with cufflinks, shades, and smelling SO good. I kept on saying to Bolaji, oh my you look so hot, if I weren't married to you I'd be checking you out at this party. He just smiled.

Man, people have been asking me so how's married life. It's so wonderful filled with shared moments and experiences like this, with friends and family, it's even more amazing than anyone could say.

So right now, I'm gonna stop writing. I'm going to go take a fresh shower, put on my nice dress that drives Bolaji crazy, put on my make up, my flirty earrings, bring out that bottle of champagne, that box of chocolates, and well...enjoy being married!

Is This How Divorces Are Made?

So we have a friend who while otherwise being a perfectly good person, ALWAYS has something negative to say about marriage. Bolaji has known this person, let's call him TJ for a quite some time, they went to King's College together, then met up again abroad in university. I on the other hand know TJ as one of my cousin's ex-boyfriend. So we know him quite well and I can attest to the fact that he really is a good person. However since knowing him as a couple, i.e Bolaji and I, he's just always had something to say.

When we first got engaged he'd make comments like "oh no, it all goes downhill from here". Or he'll say kiss goodbye to the woman and relationship you have now because it's all going to disappear, or if we're holding hands (which we always do), he'd say "don't worry this is going to stop abruptly soon". He asks Bolaji, "does she allow you to listen to your own music now? don't worry that will change and you'll never be allowed to any longer". The woman you're dating now is not going to be your wife and all kinds of scary crazy things. The thing is TJ is married! He has been married for the past 3 years and has two beautiful daughters to show. At first his offhand comments used to slide behind my back but I started to get really ticked off! All of his qualms about marriage where about the woman and I really didn't appreciate him saying things to an almost married man (at the time) that could scare him or give him jitters. I discussed it with Bolaji and he was like you know what? He's just jealous about our happiness and doesn't know how to show it, the best way to deal with him is also make a quip about how happy WE are and roll with the punches that way.

I say all of this to set the scene. A few weeks ago, at a friend's party TJ goes "so when was the last time you guys argued?" and he said it in this really smirky way as if he really wanted to prove himself right about how terrible marriage is. Bolaji and I looked at each other and replied..."you know what? I can't even remember!" But we also made a show of it and feigned like we were trying to remember and couldn't. Shame. You could tell he was disappointed that he couldn't be proven right at that time. I was so happy because truly at the time he asked we hadn't even had a misunderstanding/disagreement in a long stretch so I REALLY couldn't remember!

Cut to last week. One of the thorns of our relationship is that I LOVE giving and receiving gifts and my love could care less really! lol. He's one of those people that doesn't celebrate birthdays or any other type of anniversary, meanwhile I'm the kind of person that you could come in to the house and find a 100 balloons and a special cake to surprise you on the little things. So we are quite different that way. We celebrated our 3rd month anniversary last week and I also finally did my name change so of course I was in the mood for a little celebration. Bolaji was very blase about it. That evening not only does he come home later than usual, he then says he would really love to go to a going-away dinner for one of our friends who was leaving Nigeria for good (he had forgotten about the surprise dessert tasting I had arranged for us!). I was very upset and felt that he wasn't considering how important it was to me to celebrate milestones in my life. This little thing turned into a big full blown disagreement (we are not yellers so it's hard to say fight lol). I ended up listening to Beyonce's "Why Don't You Love Me" to sleep which in my head is the highest scale of marital unhappiness i guess lol. The next day we got up and it was another round of trying to listen and understand and explain to each other. I was exhausted. Just as we were beginning to patch things up, something completely different happened again that day to cause even more tension and friction.

During this time I was thinking those thougths that all I think all newlyweds will think at some point during their first year: Aaargh, I'm so mad at him, gosh what have I gotten myself into? I thought many different things. In that moment of feeling unloved, unheard, and just plain feeling that this marriage thing can indeed be tough, I thought of the carefree single days. I thought what if this man can't change and I can't change, could we be happy?

That evening Bolaji headed to one of his best friend's bach eve. Not even an hour in, he sends me a message:

Gosh, where do all these women come from? I'm sitting here, looking around, and I've never felt even more confident that I picked the right person, that I'm truly content and truly happy. I'm good, I don't need nor want anything else. I love you very much. Very very much and don't ever doubt this.

About thirty minutes later he sends me another message:

Okay I'm officially sad now, all these men grinding on all this women and gyptian ft. nikki is on and I'm by myself wishing my babes was here. I'm leaving here soon, once Nkem comes out of the room they've locked him in. (Bolaji really REALLY likes that Gyptian song!)

I tell him I'm trying on the dresses I just got back from the tailor and he asks me to please send pictures so he can see them on me. He comes home a little after that and I'm not sure what it was but it's like he just realized that whatever we were arguing about did not matter in the grand scheme of things. He grabs me and holds me so tight. I get a little perspective too. Here is my man. The man that goes to a bach eve and rushes home because he misses his wife. The man that isn't afraid to share his feelings with me. A man that loves me so very much, that he tells me almost every week that he dedicates his life to making sure I'm happy and cared for. A man who wakes me up to kisses all over my face.

A lot of marital activities went on these last few days ;-)

All kidding aside, I wanted to post about this incident because it was my first real challenge and realization that yes, marriage is going to have it's rough bits. I also gained a new consciousness that it is the journey that we are going for, the ups and downs of it all is exactly what we've signed up for. I thought to myself, how many of young couples out there go through their rough patches and instead of choosing to grow from it, choose to grow apart from it. And yes, it is a choice: Am I going to learn from this or am I going to withdraw just a little bit from this relationship because of it? Be wary of the withdrawal and teach the TJs in your life a thing or two!

We also talked about having kids this past week but that's the next post :-)

Honeymoon Post

I took some photos on my honeymoon specifically with this blog in mind but I've had said pictures in my computer for the longest time and just didn't get up to posting them. Now that I have a bit more free time on my hands I thought I'd share.

We only had a very short mini-moon and the hubs and I headed down to a beautiful home owned by one of our friends and stayed there for a few days. You will recall that I hightailed it out of here very quickly as we experienced some hurricane weather while there but the pictures do look lovely and I've enjoyed reminiscing about the bliss of those first days of marriage.

The view from the sliding door of our bedroom.

Taken right on our bed!

I took this pic sitting on the toilet seat ha!

Closest neighbor is quite far.

Our honeymoon suite (house) as we head off to our Day at the Spa!

Still taking pics as hubby drives :-)

The surrounding community. Look closely and you'll see about 2 or 3 houses.

Getting ready to hit the jacuzzi...yay!

I had to sit here to wait for the hubs. For some reason I got changed and out much quicker than he did. I couldn't wait to start off the different therapies.

A view of the Spa Resort as we were heading out. I was so sad to go.

That evening when we got back we lit a fire:

and watched the sun set. Bliss!

The next morning we woke up to a beautiful day....but had to head back into town to pack and come back to Lagos.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day!

The end. :-) There's my honeymoon photo album. I tried to record some video but Bolaji jumped into the clip and that was that. Our honeymoon is special to us for obvious and perhaps not so obvious reasons. We will forever cherish our few days secluded at the tip of the earth!

MasterChef At Large

I love cooking. Some people believe there are two kinds of people: cooking types and baking types. I am proud to say that I'm a bit of both. I love to cook and I absolutely love to bake. I've essentially live alone since the age of 17 up until the day I moved in with Bolaji. During the time I lived alone I was the child that tried baking and cooking everything from apple pies to chocolate cakes and everything in-between. Then I went off to college and though I cooked occasionally, I was missing a key ingredient: an audience. Cooking is definitely a labor of love and is not that much fun when you do it alone. Besides most cooks know that sometimes you just don't feel like eating after slaving away at the stove. Long story short, even after moving to Nigeria, Nando's and Sweet Sensation were my best friends. I would have occasional dinners where I would go all out but those where once in a blue moon. I had even garnered the reputation around my friends (and boyfriends!) that Kemi doesn't cook. I just smiled and said nothing. I heard a quote once that all women cook or know how to cook, if you are a man and they haven't cooked for you, they just are not that into you! :-)

I love my hubby for not EVER pressuring me about food. He, of course, also assumed I didn't know how to cook, but I can honestly say he just figured somehow we would eat and as long as he was dining with me, it didn't matter who cooked the food. This is a sweet thought, yes, but he didn't know how to cook either so I'm not sure what he had figured! LOL. Imagine his surprise when we moved in together and he would come home to hot cooked meals. We both don't eat too much Nigerian food so he would come home to tasty Italian, Indian, Mediterranean/Lebanese dishes. One of my first dishes was this:

Moroccan Lamb Stew with Chickpeas

I love Caribbean food and in Lagos there aren't many places for you to try Jerk Chicken or Curry Goat so I make it.

Of course the pictures above are not mine. I always say I'll take pictures of the things I cook but when I'm in the kitchen I'm moving so fast and it's a bit out of the way to have to grab the camera and take pictures while my onions are caramelizing! But I did manage to take a few photos on my phone:

Buttermilk Oatmeal Bread

Homemade Gnocchi & Lamb Marinara sauce

Bolaji has told me of how he and his ex-girlfriend shared a lot of moments together in the kitchen. She apparently also loved to cook and they spent many times together laughing and trying so many recipes. He talks about those times like those were part of the good times of a past relationship. The other night as I made the gnocchi, he was also in the kitchen with me. I had never tried making it before so I was very skeptical about the whole thing but as I put the gnocchi balls in the hot water and it floated, Bolaji opens up and says, well, don't know if I ever told you this before but Sandy (his ex) tried to make gnocchi and it was such a disaster, the thing didn't float. So I tease him that all the while he was probably just waiting for my gnocchi to float before he would know for sure that we were having dinner that night! He smiles and goes off to the laundry room to iron his shirt. When dinner was ready I went in to call him and he grabs me and says you know what? "When my last relationship ended I prayed to God that the next person he brings into my life must be better than this one that's ending and I look at you and think of us and God gave me even more than I could ever wish for". Isn't that sweet?

I mentioned to Bo once though that I've read many places that this is how the honeymoon period is in a marriage so if say in five years I'm only cooking okro and beans or something, please he should be prepared for it oh. Lol. He says well he'd like his kids to also enjoy delicious home cooking, this is when I turn and snicker to him. Perhaps he should learn how to cook then! To be fair though, he asked me a few months ago if I wanted a cook since I'm so busy sometimes it's really difficult to come home from work then have to start thinking of what to cook etc. While I know there are many Lagos girls who would die for a cook, I just don't like having domestic staff period. I hate people in my space and for the life of me I can't wrap my head around letting complete strangers into the sanctity of my home. It seems so crazy that people readily do that here. For now I've said no to the cook but who knows, maybe I'll change my mind soon. For now, it's me practicing for my appearance on masterchef! :-)

Some of my favorite foodie blogs here:

Confections of a Foodie Bride

Yum Sugar

The Avartsy Kitchen Chronicles

BBC Good Food

BBC Food

Joy The Baker

Brown Eyed Baker

Not Quite Nigella

Smitten Kitchen

As you can tell, I can probably go on forever. I love food blogs! For me the process usually is I look at the ingredients I have in my pantry or fridge, or if I'm craving something specifically, then I google the items or what I'm craving, click images, then pick the ones that seem to be on foodie blogs since they tend to give you step by step pictures along with the recipes. And then another tip for those who love cooking but also live in Lagos where we can't just waltz in a grocery store and find everything we want, stock up on spices little by little, then when shopping look for little treasures everywhere. I found eggplant at shoprite for N70! So just keep your eyes peeled. Anyway, I'll let you know when my masterchef appearance will be ;-) (j/k).

Break in Transmission

From time to time I get periods that I'm so busy I have to schedule even my teethbrushing in the morning! This is one of those time periods. When I'm going through this I usually leave a cute pic and a short message so here we are. Cute Pic. Check. Short Message. Check.

To my new followers, welcome! I'm usually more interesting than this but work is my second husband for now and he needs tending to! I'll be back.

Wedding Envy & Kemi Gets Her Groove Back!

I couldn't decide between the two titles so I've just included both in. They are kind of related. This post will probably be a little disjointed.

Happy June Month! June is a great month, not only because it's the middle of the year, it's the real beginning of summer, or that i have many loved ones with birthdays in June, but the most important reason of all: I got engaged June 20, 2009! It's almost been a year since the whirlwind of my life started. I still tell Bo that that day was the best day of my life. Everything about it was beautiful. I loved the wedding day and my traditional day but nothing beats the romance and happiness of the day you get engaged. Actually in order of happiness? I would say Engagement Day, Traditional Wedding, then White Wedding. It seems weird to me because that's not what I would have expected but that's the order. I remember worrying myself silly as to whether Bolaji was going to buy me a ring, then funny enough being caught completely unawares when it actually happened. I remember like yesterday he telling me he wanted to share his life journey with me and then getting down on one knee. The feeling if I could describe it is being swept off my feet. I was so happy. The whole entire day I was lightheaded and dizzy and quite frankly could not believe it was happening to me. Absolutely happiest day of my life. My trad was quite simply magical and I will forever cherish it. Like seriously, m-a-g-i-c-a-l. My white wedding, I stressed about so many things and there were so many aspects of it that honestly, I could only enjoy it through the pictures after the event. Not necessarily stressed in a bad way but I tend to go into project management mode, so I essentially project managed my wedding and didn't really experience it and appreciate it until even now. So in short (HA!) here's to June 20, 2009 - what a difference a 24-hour day could make!

Now unto wedding envy, if any of my ladies here have been married and experienced wedding envy please do share your story. I'm learning a lesson about weddings that I would like to share. Essentially, it's that you will never have everything you wanted at your wedding, never. Some things will be off, some things will go wrong, (as I've talked about many times) some friends and family will disappoint, and you just might forget to decorate your cake table (lol), or your groom may be 1 1/2 hours late and therefore you loose your light for pictures (only brides truly understand the gravity of this lol). It is important to cleanse these things out of your soul (yes soul, it goes that deep) and let it go. The first wedding I went to after we got back from our mini-honeymoon, I was a wreck. Bolaji even had to almost shake me, like, Kemi, trust me, our wedding was FABULOUS. I was busy comparing everything I saw to what happened at mine and I got really sad and down. It was so bad, I became withdrawn and wanted to leave soon after we got there. And then I started comparing every wedding dress I saw to my own. It was just madness. Bolaji had to have a talk with me. He basically told me I was being ungrateful because I prayed so hard for my wedding and all the preparations around it and it went beautifully, the pictures are gorgeous, and it was intimate and purposeful like we had wanted and prayed for. Most of all, it was over! Lol. It might not have been your average perfect wedding, but no wedding ever is, it was YOUR wedding and love it dammit! Those were kind of his words but paraphrased. :-) I listened to him. As time goes by and things return to normal, I'm getting my objectivity and perspective back and truly all I can be is thankful. I'm happy and at peace with the way everything went. Now when I see or go to a wedding I just say another prayer, "thank God i'm a wedding graduate!"

Speaking of things returning to normal, boy I cannot say enough how happy I am that my world is returning back to normal post wedding planning. Truth be told I hated planning my wedding. Almost every aspect of it (except visiting my florist at her shop at the apex of a mountain surrounded by vineyards, oh and menu tasting with my sis-in-law). Your world gets subsumed into this planning machine and before you know it you don't even have time (or money quite frankly) to do the things you did before. Bolaji and I are pretty artsy folks, so we went to a lot of events in the Lagos indie art scene, there is one i assure you. But that's what we did, ate out at lovely restaurants, partied with friends at different night spots, and hang out with our expat friends. During planning though, we almost did none of these. We didn't have time, any down time you just wanted to sleep and not think. I'm very glad to say that we are slowly getting back into the groove of things. We are slowly getting back to the stage where the fact that we were getting married or are married is no longer the most interesting thing about us. It's lovely! This is spilling into all aspects of our lives. I have a confession. I mentioned that we didn't consummate our marriage on our wedding night. This is true. But we didn't consummate our marriage till about 3 days in. The only thing I can attribute this to is that we were just used to not having sex it wasn't that big of a deal and all of our guests were still around and we were still very busy. On the honeymoon, not much of action was going on there either, quite frankly I was busy being scared for my life (you try experiencing a hurricane while you're in a glass house in the middle of the ocean!). Interestingly though, is that what I've realized is that the more I unwound myself from wedding stress, the better our sex life has gotten. I'm being honest here. The first few weeks weren't like jumping off the chandeliers. But now....lol. I'll keep that to myself. :-) On a serious note though I wanted to mention that specifically because I have a sneaky feeling this is a lot more normal than one would think. I think it takes a while for you to unwind and de-stress yourself so if anyone out there experienced what I experienced, don't beat yourself up about it, sometime it happens like that.

Anyway so here we are, the year in review from June 20, 2009 to June 4, 2010. So much growth, so much learning, so much...experience. I'm in a good place, I'm getting back to the old me, and I'm glad!

Date Nights

I love Michelle and Barrack Obama. I really do and I look up to them. I also have quite a few older and not so older married couples that I look up to. Some I know personally, some I don't know. It's just whenever I come across a couple that seems to have it right or have a relationship that I would like myself and Bolaji to have, I just sit and dissect what exactly I like about those relationships and then I try and adopt whichever one I think will work for myself and my boo. I've been doing this for a long time.

Anyway, so one of the things I love about the Obamas is that they go on date nights. The first time I heard about this, I thought, wow, what a great idea. This is both parties taking time out of their very busy schedules to focus on each other and their relationship. So I decided I was going to adopt this for Bo & I and instituted our Date Night Wednesdays. The rules are we don't use the phone, we don't hang out with other people, it's just us, some good wine, and satisfying food. Bo and I have very busy schedules and for Bo especially his work hours can be very erratic. Still, I try to always take a lead on Date Nights and ensure that it is top of our schedules. The times when date nights have been a success, they've been awesome. We end up talking about our hopes and dreams for ourselves, for each other, and also for our baby family. Then we drink like two glasses of wine (we're cheap drunks) and go home and enjoy each other. It's been great!

But my word, it's so challenging! It's really tough for Bo to keep to a consistent schedule because of work. So there've been a few times that I'm so excited about it and look forward to it all day and he just doesn't get home till about 9pm at which point, whatever it is that I've planned is no longer do-able. Yesterday night was one of those days. I've been craving sushi and sake for a while and waking up yesterday was so excited about date night and since we usually eat out on these dates, I'm usually starving by the time we're supposed to go out. Around 7:40 I get a call from my hubby that it's going to be a late one and he's not going to be able to make it. Gosh it's hard to explain how it feels. I got really upset but what can you do? He's my hubby and I love him so of course I gotta slowly put on my forgiving hat. But I'm trying so hard not to be depressed about it. Around 8:30, Bo rolls in and I notice he has a pack with him. I'm still putting on my loving and forgiving wife composure so I smile and hug and kiss him. Then he tells me he's sorry about the time but he's got sushi! Sigh. See, you love a man and he brings you sushi so you won't get mad that he has to make that money for us (he clearly gets paid more than i do! lol) and be late for date nights.

Jesus said to forgive 70 X 70 times, meaning uncountable times lol, therefore my hubby gets a stern look and a thanks for bringing sushi hug! We'll try again next time, or maybe I should move date nights from once a week to once a month? Hmm...