Date Nights

I love Michelle and Barrack Obama. I really do and I look up to them. I also have quite a few older and not so older married couples that I look up to. Some I know personally, some I don't know. It's just whenever I come across a couple that seems to have it right or have a relationship that I would like myself and Bolaji to have, I just sit and dissect what exactly I like about those relationships and then I try and adopt whichever one I think will work for myself and my boo. I've been doing this for a long time.

Anyway, so one of the things I love about the Obamas is that they go on date nights. The first time I heard about this, I thought, wow, what a great idea. This is both parties taking time out of their very busy schedules to focus on each other and their relationship. So I decided I was going to adopt this for Bo & I and instituted our Date Night Wednesdays. The rules are we don't use the phone, we don't hang out with other people, it's just us, some good wine, and satisfying food. Bo and I have very busy schedules and for Bo especially his work hours can be very erratic. Still, I try to always take a lead on Date Nights and ensure that it is top of our schedules. The times when date nights have been a success, they've been awesome. We end up talking about our hopes and dreams for ourselves, for each other, and also for our baby family. Then we drink like two glasses of wine (we're cheap drunks) and go home and enjoy each other. It's been great!

But my word, it's so challenging! It's really tough for Bo to keep to a consistent schedule because of work. So there've been a few times that I'm so excited about it and look forward to it all day and he just doesn't get home till about 9pm at which point, whatever it is that I've planned is no longer do-able. Yesterday night was one of those days. I've been craving sushi and sake for a while and waking up yesterday was so excited about date night and since we usually eat out on these dates, I'm usually starving by the time we're supposed to go out. Around 7:40 I get a call from my hubby that it's going to be a late one and he's not going to be able to make it. Gosh it's hard to explain how it feels. I got really upset but what can you do? He's my hubby and I love him so of course I gotta slowly put on my forgiving hat. But I'm trying so hard not to be depressed about it. Around 8:30, Bo rolls in and I notice he has a pack with him. I'm still putting on my loving and forgiving wife composure so I smile and hug and kiss him. Then he tells me he's sorry about the time but he's got sushi! Sigh. See, you love a man and he brings you sushi so you won't get mad that he has to make that money for us (he clearly gets paid more than i do! lol) and be late for date nights.

Jesus said to forgive 70 X 70 times, meaning uncountable times lol, therefore my hubby gets a stern look and a thanks for bringing sushi hug! We'll try again next time, or maybe I should move date nights from once a week to once a month? Hmm...

The Absolute Bestest Thing Ever!

The best thing ever in the world is having my husband's hands wrapped around me as I drift off into sleep. There are days that we are out and I dream of that moment and tell Bolaji it's time to go. Solely because I can't wait to get in his yummy hands and fall asleep with the warmth of the man whom i love incredibly there.

This is the bestest feeling in the world.

Pressure

I've been thinking about this issue a lot over the last few weeks. I have a few young ladies around me who for some reason talk to me about relationships and meeting the right kind of men, and wanting to get married So more often than not I find myself dispersing advice or simply just stating things as I see it. Out of all the relationships I've ever had, the one with Bolaji has thought me the most. It shattered all my preconceived notions of how things should be and really just left me with my eyes wide open and also with a sense of just being yourself and letting everything fall in to place.

But recently I've just been thinking about all the pressures we face as young girls, as women, as wives, as mothers. The funny (or unfunny) thing about it is that it's mostly US women that do this to ourselves. Now how I feel may not be a popular opinion but it's one that has worked for me and God-willing will continue to do so. I'm still learning and open to learning as I move forward. However I'm thinking about the rules of engagement when it comes to the opposite sex that we give and judge ourselves on. I'm talking about things like don't have sex before marriage, don't co-habitate (such an ugly word!), don't call after the first date, make sure you know how to cook efo and egusi, call your mother-in-law and basically suck up to her, etc. I'm not saying these are not sound advices but please for the love of all things dear, STOP PRESSURING PEOPLE ON THESE POINTS.

I believe everyone will find their way. I believe in encouraging our younger sisters, daughters, nieces to be well-rounded, sound individuals. Encourage them to have confidence, to love their bodies, to be curious about the world, to explore, to be imaginative and creative, to be kind, to be warm-hearted and considerate, to be compassionate, to read their Bibles, to crave God and to know God, to be fun, to laugh often, to forgive a lot, then everything else in their lives will fall into place. And fall into place correctly.

Take for example cohabitation. I lived with Bolaji before getting married. If I were to be completely honest, I think it was a great decision for us. It was not a planned decision and you can read my post on Cohabiting to know my feelings on that, but all in all, it was a good experience. For Us. I am being frank here. I can't imagine how brides handle the process of actually getting married AND the difficulty of living in the same space with a spouse. These are two very tough times in a woman's life. Especially as Nigerians. When I first moved in with Bolaji, like seriously, we argued like cats and dogs. We were both frustrated with a lot of things and just learning how to be in each other's space. It was tough. Most of the time during that period I wasn't even sure I liked him, it was that bad. But then the rougher parts started getting smoother and smoother and before you know it we've completed melted into each other's space. I think to myself, as a newlywed just going through this, surely you would feel like "oh my God, what have I done?". For us, by the time we were actually physically getting married, it was just all about the vows made in front of God. That was beautiful to me. My wedding wasn't over the top or crazy, it was just simply Bolaji & I declaring to God our Creator and our closest family and friends that indeed we have selected each other in this journey. Now what I say to ladies when they ask me about this is I think this worked for Bolaji & I because we both KNEW this was our last stop. We are both extremely committed to each other and our relationship. We both don't believe that marriage "starts" at the altar, yes that is when it's publicized, but for us marriage started when we both stood in front of God and said thank you for giving me my partner, I'm going to cherish her/him, please strengthen us, hold us, and protect us. We did that long before we got married. Cohabiting so far, has not hindered me I feel because we were both highly committed to each other as life partners. If you BOTH are not that, then I would say don't do it. If you and your partner cannot kneel in front of God together and voice your commitment, then that person is NOT the one, yet. That's my experience.

I use this as just an example. Things work out differently for different people. I'd rather encourage people to be sound Christians, responsible, principled, and kind ladies, if you can be all these, then I trust your judgement on your situation. Many people imbibe all these societal pressures without even knowing how they themselves feel about them. It's almost like don't think about it, just do it. When I have a daughter I hope to teach her to love herself and to value herself, to love God and build a relationship with Him. That's it. I don't want to teach her directives. I want to teach her to make decisions that are right for HER.

Newlywed Blues

I had read on several blogs and online articles that some women experience a bit of newlywed blues in the months after they get married. Essentially after months (maybe years) of planning a wedding, doing guest lists, speaking to vendors, DIY projects, etc., when it all comes to pass there's a bit of silence and quiet, it is this that then gives birth to the Newlywed Blues.

I'm almost fully convinced that I'm suffering from this special type of blues. It's either that or I'm going through a major life/identity crisis of some sort. Let me explain. It's actually a pretty weird thing being that I love Bolaji more than ever. His smile lights up my world and lifts the weight off my shoulders. I am so lucky to have him as my husband especially since he's the best person I know. So that's not the problem one bit. It's that recently I've been really contemplating my life, my job, my marriage, etc. I think Bolaji is also experiencing something similar but the guy version. You know, he's now anxious and worried about providing for his wife and new family. I think this may also be leading him to re-evaluate his life and the options. For example, he's had quite a few offers to join start-up firms which he's kind of put behind in the recent past but now all of a sudden, it's like wait a minute, maybe I can make a boatload of money here, maybe I should do it, then me and Kemi can have all we ever dreamt of and retire in peace :-). At least that's what I think is going through his head! I'm also feeling very much unfulfilled in my job since we got back from the wedding. The term I've used often and I think describes very well how I feel is that I'm uninspired by any of the work I'm doing. I'm so lethargic about everything then I end up feeling so terrible about myself for being so unproductive. Today I took the day off and I'm sitting by the waterside, I think I'm about to leave the line of work I'm in now and try something else. I'm taking today to decide.

So you see these things have left Bolaji and I waking up at 3:30am for the last two weeks (outside of not having a blink of NEPA aargh!). I think we both want to be happy so bad (i.e good life, good finances, little conflict in the marriage, etc.) that we spend our time worrying about how to best guarantee that. I've gone online and it seems a lot of couples have gone through this. Another dimension of the wedding blues for me that is so totally unexpected is the baby fever. Like seriously, I'm not sure where it's coming from. I've really got the nesting fever. I haven't mentioned it to Bolaji though because I know he'd be really nervous. We've talked about it in the past and we both want to wait for a little bit before planning a child. I agree completely with this and don't think our new family is ready for one yet. And it's not what people usually say about wanting to "enjoy their marriage" or whatnot, it's mostly because we just want to be able to plan our family. We both want it to be something where we both just say, ok, let's do it rather than just jumping into it. Now I know many people think differently but this is how we feel. So why the baby fever? Does it have something to do with my wedding blues? Oh, I'm just in such a confused state right now.

newlywed blues

go away

come back another day

Mr. & Mrs. Bolaji want to play

:-)

MoH Love

I'm missing one of my closest friends who served as my Maid of Honor so bad. Let me explain. Martha and I went to the same college and met pretty much the first week of school in our freshman year. We became quite close and moved in together in our second year. She's one of my dearest friends and I find that I can share anything with her without her being judgmental or funny. Also I don't have to explain things to her, she just gets it. I hadn't seen her for FIVE years before my wedding and she lives so far away. It was so nice to see her at the wedding and every morning, I would wake up and sneak off to her room and she and I would just gist and gossip about all kinds of stuff. I really missed her. She was wonderful throughout the whole wedding weekend. Absolutely wonderful and took care of so many things before I even had to ask. Even when she was dead tired, she'd still walk the length of the mall with me without getting cross, or funny, or even speaking one negative word. She'd just trudge along and that's why I love her. Bolaji was meeting her face to face for the first time and even though he tends to be really honest about my friends, I asked him what he thought of her and he said "one word? Loyal". That's my MoH. On my wedding day itself, she was so fabulous. Even though I had two bridesmaids (including the MoH), she just went out of her way to make sure that everything worked. She tightened and pulled me into my dress, went out to make sure all my candles were in the venue, took out all the ceremony booklet and placed them on the chairs, and still had time to come back and carry my veil and flower wherever it needed to be carried.

I say this because I found that when you get engaged and are planning to move into the marriage phase of life a funny thing happens. It's not just that one relationship that's trying to find it's way but ALL the relationships in your life get juggled. In the process you loose some. Friends, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, aunties, cousins, someone or some people will disappoint you greatly, some will decide you're no longer who you were (more like who they want you to be). Things just change. Because of this, I now really and truly value those relationships in my life that have grown with me. I miss my dear friend because there are so many things that I'd like to just sit and chat about but she's one of the few people who understands that priorities in my life may have changed but I'm still me. I can call her and tell her about my anxieties of cooking for my in-laws when the come visiting and she'll listen to me without rolling her eyes and looking bored as hell lol.

Sigh.

How are you guys doing?

Few things I'm excited about in blogword:

I'm excited about The Happy Nappy Bride's upcoming wedding

I'm excited that ChiChi's wedding plans have now kicked in to full gear. I remember praying for her.

I'm excited about how cute Amy and her fiance are and looking forward to their recaps.