Naked Truth

The truth is I'm so scared to have a child. To be pregnant. To be a parent. To have my life change so irretrievably. To take on that set of responsibility. It freaks me out. But I'm a newlywed and that's what we're supposed to be thinking about right? Except sometimes I just wish the whole thing, the whole conversation would just go away. Now Mariah is talking about it, and Alicia is talking about it, and everytime it feels like pressure is mounting in my throat.

Bo, well, he didn't want kids before. Now he wants three. Except he has said from the time we got engaged that he doesn't think he's ready to have kids now. I've watched him really grow and mature over the years we've been dating. I asked him a few months ago if he thought he was mentally ready and he said he thinks so. However I know the thought of having to financially care for the child, he doesn't think he's ready for that right now. I know the person I have and have written a few times about how he's so financially disciplined and aware. I know it's extremely important for him to be able to financially care for his family at the level he would want us to be, which is quite a high level. I know this is a stress factor for him. But I fear he's getting closer, faster than I would have imagined. This past month my monthlies were a bit late and I said to him "what if I'm pregnant?". Now we have this conversation almost every time I'm a little under the weather, even though like I mentioned I have some medical issues AND we use contraception. Usually Bolaji puts his hands on his head and goes "Ye!" He says it playfully but I know that's the first thing he would think even though I also know he'd absolutely kick into gear with support and planning. But this last time when I asked he did that eyebrow raising thing and smiled. He's NEVER done that before. I told him, I think you're getting closer, and he just smiled and didn't say anything. This freaks me out. We've always been on the same page about not wanting kids now, but I'm scared he's flipping the page faster than I am!

My journey is a bit more complicated. I want kids, then I don't want them, then I think to ever want them is crazy, then I want them again, then I want them like NOW, well, you get the point. I love children and I think they are a blessing but sometimes I just don't know if they belong in my life. Like EVER. The thought is scary. Then I reason, okay say I even want to have kids, and I think I do (see? complicated), what about all the things I want to do? It is very likely Bolaji and I will be living separately for about a year next year as I've been accepted into a very exclusive and competitive program. I am extremely excited about this and look forward to it immensely. It's not a career move per se as, it's just something I've always wanted to do. At the same time I've recently been promoted at my job here and I can easily stay on for a long while. Also, Bolaji and I are planning to take about three months off to travel at the end of next year and we're looking forward to that and we're buying into a timeshare/summer home in our favorite city after this. This is the kind of life we want to live, it's what we plan for ourselves and it's extremely important. We say we want to have kids but it's extremely important to us that we are able to share these things with our children. We want them to grow up in a certain type of home, with certain type of luxuries. Right now we just are not there yet.

I think part of my frustration is that the baby conversation is so looming over us right now, but no matter how either of us feels at any particular moment, we just have to hold on a little longer.

Why all this anxiety and baby yes, baby no? Bolaji's best friend confided in him yesterday that they were expecting. We always knew they wanted kids but it's hit me particularly hard. I love Bo's bestfriend and his wife and since they also got married this year, it's been really great having like partner friends who are going through the same phase of life as we are. But now they're having a child, it feels like it's hitting home. This marriage and children thing is really real. Bolaji and I joke around that our kids are probably going to date each other because we're so close, and also that it would be funny if say our kids actually marry each other, further solidifying the friendship. These were all jokes though I thought. Something for us to think about say in the next two years. But here they are, pregnant! Wow. I'm incredibly happy for them and can't wait to meet the little one, I'm sure he/she will be one of my favorite babies (I'm known for smothering the babies in my life!) When Bolaji told me, it was like there was a big elephant in the room as we both realized wow, this baby having thing is real. It's a bit unnerving.

For me also I'm one of the first to get married amongst my friends and even family peers and knowing how tough it was going through that phase in my life I'm really reluctant to be one of the first to be pregnant and to be a mother as well. I lost so many friends when I got married, I'm just not prepared to loose even more by going through the motherhood phase.

Can't time just stop for a little bit so we can adjust before it starts clicking again? Can't we all just go back to the playbox where we met every recess/lunch-break and felt confident that for the next few days, weeks, months, years we would meet at that same box and play with the same friends?

Baby-worrying/planning sucks!