Friday, October 29, 2010

Naked Truth

Friday, October 29, 2010
The truth is I'm so scared to have a child. To be pregnant. To be a parent. To have my life change so irretrievably. To take on that set of responsibility. It freaks me out. But I'm a newlywed and that's what we're supposed to be thinking about right? Except sometimes I just wish the whole thing, the whole conversation would just go away. Now Mariah is talking about it, and Alicia is talking about it, and everytime it feels like pressure is mounting in my throat.

Bo, well, he didn't want kids before. Now he wants three. Except he has said from the time we got engaged that he doesn't think he's ready to have kids now. I've watched him really grow and mature over the years we've been dating. I asked him a few months ago if he thought he was mentally ready and he said he thinks so. However I know the thought of having to financially care for the child, he doesn't think he's ready for that right now. I know the person I have and have written a few times about how he's so financially disciplined and aware. I know it's extremely important for him to be able to financially care for his family at the level he would want us to be, which is quite a high level. I know this is a stress factor for him. But I fear he's getting closer, faster than I would have imagined. This past month my monthlies were a bit late and I said to him "what if I'm pregnant?". Now we have this conversation almost every time I'm a little under the weather, even though like I mentioned I have some medical issues AND we use contraception. Usually Bolaji puts his hands on his head and goes "Ye!" He says it playfully but I know that's the first thing he would think even though I also know he'd absolutely kick into gear with support and planning. But this last time when I asked he did that eyebrow raising thing and smiled. He's NEVER done that before. I told him, I think you're getting closer, and he just smiled and didn't say anything. This freaks me out. We've always been on the same page about not wanting kids now, but I'm scared he's flipping the page faster than I am!

My journey is a bit more complicated. I want kids, then I don't want them, then I think to ever want them is crazy, then I want them again, then I want them like NOW, well, you get the point. I love children and I think they are a blessing but sometimes I just don't know if they belong in my life. Like EVER. The thought is scary. Then I reason, okay say I even want to have kids, and I think I do (see? complicated), what about all the things I want to do? It is very likely Bolaji and I will be living separately for about a year next year as I've been accepted into a very exclusive and competitive program. I am extremely excited about this and look forward to it immensely. It's not a career move per se as, it's just something I've always wanted to do. At the same time I've recently been promoted at my job here and I can easily stay on for a long while. Also, Bolaji and I are planning to take about three months off to travel at the end of next year and we're looking forward to that and we're buying into a timeshare/summer home in our favorite city after this. This is the kind of life we want to live, it's what we plan for ourselves and it's extremely important. We say we want to have kids but it's extremely important to us that we are able to share these things with our children. We want them to grow up in a certain type of home, with certain type of luxuries. Right now we just are not there yet.

I think part of my frustration is that the baby conversation is so looming over us right now, but no matter how either of us feels at any particular moment, we just have to hold on a little longer.

Why all this anxiety and baby yes, baby no? Bolaji's best friend confided in him yesterday that they were expecting. We always knew they wanted kids but it's hit me particularly hard. I love Bo's bestfriend and his wife and since they also got married this year, it's been really great having like partner friends who are going through the same phase of life as we are. But now they're having a child, it feels like it's hitting home. This marriage and children thing is really real. Bolaji and I joke around that our kids are probably going to date each other because we're so close, and also that it would be funny if say our kids actually marry each other, further solidifying the friendship. These were all jokes though I thought. Something for us to think about say in the next two years. But here they are, pregnant! Wow. I'm incredibly happy for them and can't wait to meet the little one, I'm sure he/she will be one of my favorite babies (I'm known for smothering the babies in my life!) When Bolaji told me, it was like there was a big elephant in the room as we both realized wow, this baby having thing is real. It's a bit unnerving.

For me also I'm one of the first to get married amongst my friends and even family peers and knowing how tough it was going through that phase in my life I'm really reluctant to be one of the first to be pregnant and to be a mother as well. I lost so many friends when I got married, I'm just not prepared to loose even more by going through the motherhood phase.

Can't time just stop for a little bit so we can adjust before it starts clicking again? Can't we all just go back to the playbox where we met every recess/lunch-break and felt confident that for the next few days, weeks, months, years we would meet at that same box and play with the same friends?

Baby-worrying/planning sucks!

15 comments:

braids said...

((hugs))

My advice is limited because I'm not married, however I would suggest you speak to an older (married) couple whom you feel comfortable with and perhaps discuss this with them. I dunno...as you've said its what is expected of you now that your married (having a baby that is) and I just feel that speaking to relations and maybe even friends will just confuse you the more because their most likely to tell you to ask you what your waiting on if you know what I mean, so yeah, it might be best speaking to an older married couple.

However Kemi, I would say that just as its true that waiting for the 'perfect' man/woman will have a person waiting forever, I kinda see waiting for the right 'financial season' being the same thing. I understand your wanting the best for your children, who wouldn't but what you have to know and accept is that our financial status' can always change. You can be poor today but rich tomorrow and vice versa.

("Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment"- 1 Timothy 6:17)

As long as your able to provide the basics that should be okay. There are so many people who never grew up having luxuries and there are many children today without such luxuries but having a stable home is the greatest gift any parent can give to their child (ren) and by stable I mean a home solidfied by the parent's love (marriage).

Above everything else Kemi, pray, pray, pray. It is God who directs. He is able to help you see that you and Bolaji are quite ready for a baby now and He is also able to place patience and understanding into Bolaji's heart if it is a case that you really are not ready now and if you both decide to wait for the next 30 years until you have little Kemi's and Bolaji's running around the house, despite science and family and friends telling you that you waited too long, the same God who opened up the womb of a 90 year old woman wouldn't have grown tired by then either.

Don't allow anyone to pressure you. I've seen too many lives ruined simply because their parents were not ready mentally and emotionally. Its not just about physcially and financiially.

((more hugs))

(sorry that this is so long)

Anonymous said...

I'm not married and don't have kids so please take this with a pinch of salt. My take on this is that there will never be enough money in the world to prepare you for the financial burden of having children. Kids are expensive - period. There will always be something you want to give them or have them experience that you can't afford. It's good to plan, but just keep in mind that the only thing that is important is whether or not you and your hubby are emotionally, spiritually and mentally ready to start a family. If those ducks are all in a row, don't worry about the money. You are both educated, hard working people - you will be fine. Also if you think you might have medical issues, it's best to start early because the process may take longer than you think. Good luck Kemi. I know whatever happens, you guys will make the best decision for your family.

Mwajim Al said...

Well i'm not an expert by any standards (I'm very young mind you)... not married and certainly not expecting any child... although i have thought and worried much about e.g. relationships. I can say i've contemplated a lot of things, and one thing i've learnt is that just lay everything at God's feet. God is in control. I don't know what worrying or plans my parents went through, but they had me four years into their marriage, and my mum says i came at the perfect time. So just give it to God, He is in control and is in charge of the perfect season for you to have kids... you never know your first child/children may just turn out to be like Esther when her Uncle said to her: (paraphrased) "It may have been because of a time like this that you were chosen". Esther came at the perfect appointed time to her parents, any later or sooner and she may not have been there to save her people. This just goes to show you that despite our plans, God still works what he has in mind for us, for our own good. So kick back and enjoy your married life, one day at a time :D

Anonymous said...

I agree with all the comments above. While having a conversation about how having a baby at a particular time point in fitting with career/academic goals, my friend asked me what would happen if I had an 'unplanned' one like she did. She was engaged and her fiance was a student who had to relocate, she was just finishing her postgraduate degree...tpday she has a well mannered 11 year old, a PhD and a great job. She said to just take each day as it comes..no point worrying about what may or may not happen. I love reading your blog, you really keep it real. Enjoy where you are, if baby comes at 'wrong' time, you'll still be up to it!

Blessing said...

Wow, I'll just say don't feel pressured. God's time is the best, pray about it...like everyone has said above

But no matter what happens, I'm sure that you'll be able to adjust accordingly. Your dreams don't have to die because you have a baby. From what I've read thru out this blog, you're a great wife and if you and Bolaji do decide to have children, God will give you both the wisdom, finances, etc to provide for ur children. Best of luck dear!

yankeenaijababe said...

Ignore the pressure and have kids when you are ready, people would pressure you if you allow them to. I miss reading your blog girl, hope you are great. Please, do it at the best time for you and hubby, ...hugs!

The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

First time commenting though being reading for a long time...GO FOR YOUR DREAMS! HAVE YOUR BABIES WHEN READY. good luck.

Anonymous said...

This is my second time commenting on your blog and I would say, I am like you in some ways regarding having a baby(babies). I will be celebrating my 8th year anniversary with my hubby on Oct 31st(yes Halloween for those based in the United States like I am). Before I got married to my hubby, I talked about a lot of things and the time to have a baby was one of it. I did not want to have a baby immediately as I am career oriented and driven and also because of the trauma of growing coming from a broken and dysfunctional and often violent home which led to my parents separating 20 years ago with my mum taking full custody of all five of US.(My dad has been MIA for 20 years!I am 33 now).I needed to get over a lot of things in my past and also grow emotionally, financially spiritually and personally and so companionship and love was the basis of my marriage to my husband and babies were at the bottom of my list(I love kids by the way and have a few nieces and nephews!) Like you and your hubby, we both have great careers and finances are really really important for the lifestyle we live. Thankfully, I have gradually gotten over my parents seperation for the most part but sometimes, the thought of having kids scares the living daylights out of me! My husband has always been the type to take things one day at a time so its great we are always on the same page. My advice is, take it one day at a time, living in Naija can be difficult(thankfully I live in the States so no pressure per se with family as my husband is super protective of me)seeing friends having babies and then you begin to second guess yourself. I will say, enjoy your marraige and each other and when the time is right, both of you will know wether it is in 2 years time or 5 years time. What is most important is both of you are ready for the new life you are going to bring into the world and be prepared to impart the knowledge neccesary for that child's spiritual, mental, emotional, physical academic growth etc. So take your time... My advice and NEVER let society or anyone pressure you, you guys know yourselves better than anyone else and you know what would make you internally happy.

Myne Whitman said...

Hmm...story of my life. We just came back from dinner, it's 10.30pm and I remember why I'm happy we don't have children yet. E would have needed a nanny to go out. So like you, I vacillate.

Chichi {From Now Till I Do} said...

I can only echo everybody else's comments. The thing about babies and my husband and I talk about it all the time, is that whilst we can plan for things, it is God who ultimately decides when things happen.

Matthew 6:25 tells us not to worry. Don't worry about it girl, when it happens you will be ready on all levels.

Anonymous said...

all I can say that there are so many couples who are financially stable who can't have kids and are wishing that kids would come. If I were you and I have reproductive issues, I'll get on with it. You know they might not come when you think you're ready. They come when God thinks you're ready.

Rita said...

Hugs...

Do you want to talk about it?

Myne Whitman said...

Hi kemi, I'll like to send you an email. Can you possible write me at myne @ mynewhitman .com? Thanks.

HoneyDame said...

My friend allow Bros Bo the gateway joo!!! babies babies all the way!!! mayb even triplets for starters, if God wants to bring on the humorous side of Him. just kidding...I am a long way from having kids (I hope) and i totally love/adore/smother/wotever-else the babies in my lies, but i have also been around them long ennough to know that they are no joke...By god, my niece came to spend 3 nights with me one time. usually when i sleep for the night, na TDB...gone gone gone....baby was able to wake me up 5 different times within 5hours. did i get any sleep during the day, heck no!the day i dropped her back at her mother's, come and se thanksgiving....if she were mine, who would i drop her with? I do not think anyone is ever fully prepared. when the time is right, you will know it. NAture is merciful enough to equip you with all you will need, so fret not. but a little birdy tells me we might soon be seeing baby posts...**wink wink...and just kidding, again***
By the way, i think i like your blog..:)

angelsbeauty said...

first things first.. belated congrats on your promotion and getting accepted onto the programme..

babies babies babies... *sigh* I want them but my greatest fear is labour and my 'down there' ripping during child birth... TMI - i apologise, but you get my point...

nevertheless... children are a gift from God, so pray and find peace in your heart for the right time to have them, in terms of provision, HE will provide.

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