Sunday, May 20, 2012

Can I Tell You A Story?

Sunday, May 20, 2012
Wow.  I'm so overwhelmed right now.  In these past few months I've made it a mission to go out of my way to talk to women about their relationships, their marriages, their experiences.  Tonight I had one of those deep conversations that just brought everything home to me.  I'm really so overwhelmed and writing  this from a place of just......information overload.

First of all, how do you women do it?

I mean women who cook, clean, take care of the house, take care of the husband, take care of the staff, take care of the career, take of the parents-in-law, take care of the other in-laws, take care of your own parents, take care of friends, take care of siblings....how do you do it ALL???  My God!  Over and over I keep expecting to meet a woman who is like you know what?  My relationship is what's most important, I take care of that and we just kind of find our way around each other.

Then I hear of women who say negative things about their husband to their friends, their mother, aunties, brothers, sisters, cousins.  Or who find it hard to have basic conversations with their husbands.

I'm overwhelmed because I think one, how did I get so lucky, how did God love me so much that I have such a wonderful relationship with my husband without so much drama and/or baggage?  Things just came naturally to us like, ok, never swear to your spouse, always appreciate your spouse, never fight in front of others, never.....blah blah blah.  We just discussed this from the beginning, agreed, and that was that.  While I know we are very lucky us two, I used to think surely this kind of relationship is what others also must work towards.  Now I don't think so.

First, I feel like telling every lady I know, love yourself and be your own woman.  Do not wait for a man to complete you.  Demand for respect and understanding of your person, who you are, your goals, your experiences.  Demand for it and then wait till he shows you with his actions that he gets it.  Start exactly how you mean to go.  If you are not going to be washing dishes and ironing clothes, just don't do it.  Don't.  You don't have to fake it, and don't listen to anyone who says you have to fake it.  It'll only cause problems later on.  Don't behave like a wife before your husband has shown himself to be a man and taken you to your parents saying this is my wife.  Just don't do it.  By don't behave like a wife I mean you are not his family member yet, don't act like you are.  Until he welcomes you into the house formally, be polite to all family members but remain aloof.  Maintain a respectful distance.  If they love you they should tell their family member to make the next step.

I think it's important for a man to be a MAN.  He should be ready and willing to make those tough calls.  Don't make excuses for it.  Take nothing else.  If anyone wants to be with you, he should show himself to be a man first.  And without you pushing or scheming for that.

Equally important, be kind, be thoughtful, be caring, be selfless, be loving.  Be kind.  Believe in your partner, believe in his abilities, compliment him, be his number one cheer leader.

For crying out loud, don't complain or say negative things to people about your husband.  Don't tell any living soul he's useless, he's selfish, he's stubborn.....etc etc.  Don't.  It's not respectful to your husband who's supposed to be the head of the house.  Respect him.  It's so distasteful.  This does not mean don't talk to anyone, but talk about scenarios, talk about circumstances, talk about what your challenges are.  But don't talk out of anger and don't ever ever demean your husband to any body...your mother, your brother, your sister, your father, your uncle.  You're a big girl.  Sort it out!

I'm saying this because I'm just so overwhelmed with what women who have been candid are saying.  The things they do.  I want to yell, please marriage is hard enough without you yourself sabotaging it.  And I'm not writing from a place of being on a high horse.  I hope this isn't misunderstood in that way.  Bo & I argue a lot.  All the time.  I'm willing to tell every and any one this.  My second year of marriage has been extremely challenging as we settle the family and dig down to create real family roots.  So I understand the unique difficulties.  It is out of this I say please, it's hard enough as it is don't sabotage it.

Not all men are bad, not all men are dogs.  Not all men cheat, not all men want housemaids for a wife.  Not all men need to be "trained", not all men need to be mothered.  Not all men want to be tricked or gamed or deceived.  Not all men expect you to be domesticated in the same way.  Don't assume they all do.  Not all marriages are burdensome.  I tell my friends all the time, some people are happy.  Some people are actually happy.  Don't come in defeatist.  You can create a happy environment.  It is possible.

We need to stop sabotaging ourselves.  I've just needed to get this off my chest.

Ladies, chill.

19 comments:

Daughter of Her King said...

well said... thumps up....

TecknicoleurGrl said...

This makes a lot of sense.

mstizzle said...

Thanks a lot for this. It's funny when I hear women call their husbands names like "oloriburuku". I feel like replying and saying something like "eeyah, wife of oloriburuku".

Meanwhile I tagge u in a post ELEVENS. Please play if you are up for it.No pressure :)

https://mstizzle.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/elevens/

Nenyenwa said...

I would agree you really shouldn't bad mouth your spouse (both the husband and the wife shouldn't). People are very accepting of bad results in their marriage. Mostly because it is the way they have seen the marriages around them. I've talked to a new bride to be who told me that I know he is going to cheat on me because all men do and I know that this is the suck it up time and he will change and become controlling all I care about is let me have my children because one day they will clean the tears in your eyes. Then she said not everyone is like your husband. I asked her why are you getting married tomorrow? and she said because I am not getting any younger and who knows maybe he will surprise me. My thought is why go in to marriage with all these negativity and expect happiness? Thank God for this post I hope it helps many.

Faith said...

i could not agree more with you. so well written and true!

Blessing said...

Very true #nuffsaid

onyii said...

i really love this post, i'll be getting married in august, and sometimes all the negativity around can really affect my thinking, but i then remmeber my parents and he wonderful home they made for us and i tell God that thats what i want for myself, and with prayers and hard work, i know i will have it. can you imagine that the morning after my traditional wedding, an aunt called me to "advise" me, she told me that i should put my fiance on a tight leash, that men aren't to be trusted, my dear i was shocked.....now tell me what she would teach her own daughter, thumbs up to you and Bo, i have prayed for the blessings of Psalm 128, and i believe the Lord has answered me.

angelsbeauty said...

word

Fluffycutething said...

** sighs** hmmmm

H said...

spot on!

Nenyenwa said...

I tagged u - check out my blog

mstizzle said...

Hope you are fine?

a.eye said...

I don't understand when people speak negatively about their spouse!! Imagine the horrible things they must say to each other behind closed doors if they can say such things to outside friends!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

Well
Said...

justsoyouknow said...

Being a mom maybe is one of the most underrated job in the world.

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lamikayty said...

Please post! Been coming here for weeks just to see an update :) Thanks!

MPB said...

we miss you! I keep checking everyday for a new post...

lamikayty said...

@mpb - me too!

1 + The One said...

I LOVE this post! Thanks for the insight and keeping it sooo real! xx

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