Can I Tell You A Story?

Wow.  I'm so overwhelmed right now.  In these past few months I've made it a mission to go out of my way to talk to women about their relationships, their marriages, their experiences.  Tonight I had one of those deep conversations that just brought everything home to me.  I'm really so overwhelmed and writing  this from a place of just......information overload.

First of all, how do you women do it?

I mean women who cook, clean, take care of the house, take care of the husband, take care of the staff, take care of the career, take of the parents-in-law, take care of the other in-laws, take care of your own parents, take care of friends, take care of siblings....how do you do it ALL???  My God!  Over and over I keep expecting to meet a woman who is like you know what?  My relationship is what's most important, I take care of that and we just kind of find our way around each other.

Then I hear of women who say negative things about their husband to their friends, their mother, aunties, brothers, sisters, cousins.  Or who find it hard to have basic conversations with their husbands.

I'm overwhelmed because I think one, how did I get so lucky, how did God love me so much that I have such a wonderful relationship with my husband without so much drama and/or baggage?  Things just came naturally to us like, ok, never swear to your spouse, always appreciate your spouse, never fight in front of others, never.....blah blah blah.  We just discussed this from the beginning, agreed, and that was that.  While I know we are very lucky us two, I used to think surely this kind of relationship is what others also must work towards.  Now I don't think so.

First, I feel like telling every lady I know, love yourself and be your own woman.  Do not wait for a man to complete you.  Demand for respect and understanding of your person, who you are, your goals, your experiences.  Demand for it and then wait till he shows you with his actions that he gets it.  Start exactly how you mean to go.  If you are not going to be washing dishes and ironing clothes, just don't do it.  Don't.  You don't have to fake it, and don't listen to anyone who says you have to fake it.  It'll only cause problems later on.  Don't behave like a wife before your husband has shown himself to be a man and taken you to your parents saying this is my wife.  Just don't do it.  By don't behave like a wife I mean you are not his family member yet, don't act like you are.  Until he welcomes you into the house formally, be polite to all family members but remain aloof.  Maintain a respectful distance.  If they love you they should tell their family member to make the next step.

I think it's important for a man to be a MAN.  He should be ready and willing to make those tough calls.  Don't make excuses for it.  Take nothing else.  If anyone wants to be with you, he should show himself to be a man first.  And without you pushing or scheming for that.

Equally important, be kind, be thoughtful, be caring, be selfless, be loving.  Be kind.  Believe in your partner, believe in his abilities, compliment him, be his number one cheer leader.

For crying out loud, don't complain or say negative things to people about your husband.  Don't tell any living soul he's useless, he's selfish, he's stubborn.....etc etc.  Don't.  It's not respectful to your husband who's supposed to be the head of the house.  Respect him.  It's so distasteful.  This does not mean don't talk to anyone, but talk about scenarios, talk about circumstances, talk about what your challenges are.  But don't talk out of anger and don't ever ever demean your husband to any body...your mother, your brother, your sister, your father, your uncle.  You're a big girl.  Sort it out!

I'm saying this because I'm just so overwhelmed with what women who have been candid are saying.  The things they do.  I want to yell, please marriage is hard enough without you yourself sabotaging it.  And I'm not writing from a place of being on a high horse.  I hope this isn't misunderstood in that way.  Bo & I argue a lot.  All the time.  I'm willing to tell every and any one this.  My second year of marriage has been extremely challenging as we settle the family and dig down to create real family roots.  So I understand the unique difficulties.  It is out of this I say please, it's hard enough as it is don't sabotage it.

Not all men are bad, not all men are dogs.  Not all men cheat, not all men want housemaids for a wife.  Not all men need to be "trained", not all men need to be mothered.  Not all men want to be tricked or gamed or deceived.  Not all men expect you to be domesticated in the same way.  Don't assume they all do.  Not all marriages are burdensome.  I tell my friends all the time, some people are happy.  Some people are actually happy.  Don't come in defeatist.  You can create a happy environment.  It is possible.

We need to stop sabotaging ourselves.  I've just needed to get this off my chest.

Ladies, chill.