Friday, January 7, 2011

Fighting Fair

Friday, January 7, 2011

I've had this blogpost in my head for a while. The other day we went out to dinner with a few friends and I don't remember how the conversation turned to this but somehow Bo & I flittingly mentioned fighting or arguing about something and my friend goes..."get out of here, you and Bo NEVER argue, give me a break." Bolaji and I just looked at each other and told the table in fact we were just arguing walking up to the restaurant! We argue ALL the time. Okay, fine, not all the time but honestly we disagree about something at least once a week. We both have very strong personalities so we both always feel we want to be heard, lol. My friend was shocked about this, she didn't think we ever argued. I guess this is to our credit and we must be doing something right.

I know in the beginning stages of our relationship before engagement even entered both our heads, we talked about so many things. We laid ground rules of discord. We both never want to shout at each other, we will always try to listen to the other's point of view, there will always be "full disclosure" - everyone just spit out what you REALLY feel, and no matter what never ever belittle or talk down to your partner in public. This is out of respect. I mentioned to Bolaji that for me I feel that when I couple disagree in public it brings the two of them down in the eyes of whoever is around to witness it. It removes respect just a little bit every time. I feel strongly about this. So if ever I'm upset about something, I only discuss it within the sanctity of our home (or more often in the car, driving home) and never in view or hearing of someone else. I may be mad at that moment but I don't want anybody disrespecting my husband because they heard me dress him down or something. No way.

The other day we were visiting one of my closest friends and she had to step away to attend to an unexpected guest for about five minutes. Bo started agitating and said he wanted to go. Whereas I wanted to stay. I became really upset the more I thought of it there because I felt whenever he wanted to go somewhere I make a trip out of it but I felt in that moment the things I want to do are not important unless HE wants to do them as well. I don't know if any of this makes sense but if you're married and reading this just nod your head :-) Bolaji then says, "I mean I was sleeping and you woke me up to come here and I still came so why are you saying we don't do what you want to do?" Now this upset me even more! What does he mean? I wasn't aware we were counting these things. Usually when I get upset with him, I just shut down, don't listen, don't say anything, just shut down. I kept this up until we were in the car downstairs and I had worked myself up into a magnificent state of lividness I just let him have it. In trying to get my point across however, I didn't know when I started hurling f-bombs all over the place. I don't even remember now how we solved this crisis, but all I remember is when we were talking things over after we got home, Bo looked me in the eyes and said, "Did you know you were swearing?" My heart just sank. That was one of our rules - no swearing whatsoever in anger. I had broken one of our cardinal rules. I just felt so ashamed from then and apologized immediately. He said it was okay that he just wanted to bring it to my attention. Even now thinking about it, I'm ashamed of myself. The next evening we were just generally playing around and I grabbed his face and said again I'm sorry for swearing. Of course he was fine but I had to say it again when things where all cleared up so he knows I truly didn't mean to break the rules.

I think one of the most important things about couples is how they fight, not that they fight at all. I love that we never yell at each other. I love that we always come back to talk about what just went wrong, almost immediately. I love that I'm a love sap and can't stay mad for long :-) In the beginning of our relationship, yonks ago now, Bo told me you know every relationship is ebb and flow. Some days are so passionate, so hot, and you're both in tune. Other days the person just gets on your nerves, or you feel there's no passion. He says for him that's all part of the relationship. A little disagreement is normal and it almost never throws him off track. So now I'm learning the same. Our disagreements don't define us, or the fact that we've chosen to love one another, to be each other's life partners.


NakedSha said...

Great post!

NewLife said...

hey Kemi, this post reminded me of some things I could work on, thanks :)

Blessing said... should write a book! You two are such an inspiration! You guys don't love fight!

Lily Johnson said...

Hmm! A match made in heaven. I gave you the stylish and versatile blogger award. Do go to my blog for more info.

Mwajim Al said...

This is a very interesting lesson. Thanks for sharing a word of advice :-D

Eve said...

well said

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