You Wouldn't Understand

I hear this a lot more than I should. it's no secret that I went through a lot from the moment I got engaged, to the moment I actually walked down the aisle. Even up till now. I was not prepared for how much your relationships change, and this has implications for all your family and friends.

Though I was never a wedding-y type of person, I just always thought that weddings were times that families come together and love really is the order of the day. Let's just say I was very much caught off guard when it turned out that the phase when this great event was happening in my life, was also when my entire life went topsy-turvy. In the interest of not ranting on and on, I'm just writing this post on one of the aspects of my life that changed when Bo put a ring on it.

Maybe out of my naiveté also, I always read about the divide between single friends and the married lady, but for sure I thought that was something that only happened to people with strange friendships anyway. In my mind, I saw and really intuitively still see no reason why one's marital status should change the relationship between girlfriends. Either way, I resolved that I wouldn't be one of those married women who all of a sudden transform themselves into this weird creature called wife, and decide they are suddenly too good for their single girlfriends. To me, that's just ludicrous. I expected my relationships to stay the same. Then it started. I would just be chatting with a girlfriend, and they'd just dismiss whatever it is I had to say and exclaim, "well, you wouldn't understand you're married," or they'd be talking about how good men are hard to find in Nigeria and before I'd even say anything I'd hear, "Kemi, we're not talking to you, you wouldn't understand". What? Why wouldn't I understand? Did I just drop from the sky? Or was I born married? Or is it not just yesterday that I even married. It's not even like I've been married for years. This irks and bothers me to no end.

Though I never say anything.

I just keep quiet. It's a bit of a catch-22, yes I am married but I'm not going to make excuses for being married. It shouldn't matter. I firmly believe this and have proof. My best friend/MOH is nowhere near being married. She does not have a boyfriend in fact. She hasn't had one for years. Yet, she and I can talk for HOURS about everything in our lives. I can tell her about baby obsession and she can tell me about signing up for an online dating service and we laugh and laugh at the crazy things. I value her friendship so much because she's never once said to me, "you wouldn't understand, you're married". Unfortunately, she's the only one. The truth is of course I understand. Trust me, I can never forget how lucky I am to have the good man that I have. I can't forget it because I remember all too well what it's like to feel like someone's playing you, or someone's being untrue, or someone's just being a general jerk, or just generally feeling lonely. They are like badges that I've collected and pinned on my shirt. I feel like if I say I truly believe someone's too young to get married, well, that's how I feel. That's how I've always felt. Yes I'm married now, but my feelings are still valid. Right? Like if someone (who's already a mother) says to me, Kemi, you guys are newlyweds, enjoy your marriage before you bring a child into it, I'm not going to discount what they're saying and say well, "you wouldn't understand, you're a mother". This just really bothers me. I mean I have friends who have children, I don't stop talking to them, or dismiss whatever they have to say because they have children. Even if their entire day is consumed with washing onesies, sterilizing baby stuff, and pumping breastmilk, things I can never claim to understand right now. Sometimes I feel like some ladies have in their heads that when you get married, they usher you into a room, wipe your brain completely CLEAN, then hand you an apron and a broom and then release you into the world. This is not the case.

If you think like this. Stop it.

I mean, if we put the shoe on the other foot, it'll be clearer to see that this is just unfair. I never say to anybody, you wouldn't understand because you're not married. I could, oh, how I could. But I don't. I don't because it's annoying. I could say to single lady friend, "gosh, I'm so tired from having to work all day then come home and cook, but nevermind, you wouldn't understand you're single." Or any other combination therein. I don't believe that we all have to be in the same phase to understand and appreciate where the other person is coming from. Especially in this case where I've been single for twenty-something years of my life and married for not even 1 year! Just those numbers would suggest that I know a lot more about being single than about being married.

It's sad but I've started to think to myself, maybe I DO need to change the balance of my friendships to just married people. Maybe this is just one of my lala pipe dreams that reality intrudes upon. At least with my married friends, it's less drama, I'm allowed to have opinions, especially on BOTH single and married things, plus there's the maturity that comes with crossing the chasm into being a married lady.

Maybe.

I'd just like to put my thoughts out there. Yes, marriage changes how you look at life. It does. But it doesn't change life itself. After everyone's eaten the cake and danced to the band, you have the ring, you're the lady of the house. The next morning, it's Monday, and there you are. Life continues.