Love is NOT for Everyone - Part 2

Thanks to everyone who left comments on the last post. I really enjoy reading them and connecting to the people behind the comments. It might be odd but I also really enjoy the diversity of viewpoints. It's probably what I enjoy the most that so many people who've never met each other but perhaps have a common interest (which landed them on this blog) discuss an issue and look at it from the prism of their perspective and life experiences. Awesome!

I'd like to loosely add a sort of rejoinder to the last post though.

I think what I was trying to convey is that love is not something for an exclusive club but is for everyone and accessible to anyone. I don't deserve it more or less than anyone else here. Also rationally, anyone who says "Love is not for everyone" is simply saying loud and clear, "I don't think love is for me." You may not think so but everyone around can hear it loud and clear. Surely if you don't think love is for you, it's even more difficult for anyone else to show you that it is.

One of the unpleasant things I learnt from the process of planning a wedding and a marriage is that the romance of that one single act seems to negate everything else about my experiences and who I am in almost everyone's mind. It's like we all still carry that Cinderella syndrome around: "maiden was wondering about the woods with seven crazy dwarfs when she was suddenly found by her Prince and they kissed and lived happily ever after". How can such a maiden know about life? She was wondering in the woods for crying out loud! If only this were true.

My first boyfriend is married to a stripper. Whatever conclusions to be drawn from this situation is probably true.

My second boyfriend 'broke up' with me (and I use that term loosely) when after traveling 10 hours by bus to pay him a surprise visit, a girl who I thought was a friend, opened the door. In my guy's shirt. I was then told to leave, except I had forgotten my wallet. 10 hours away. At home. Yes. It was 1 am and I had no where to go. I stayed in that house that night, in the living room while the man I had come to see stayed in his room with the other girl.

I dated someone who was already married. With kids. Without knowing this. They lived in another country.

I have not ALWAYS had love. I've listened to the Destiny's Child song "Free" while drinking some red wine and ordering everything of the menu of the local chinese restaurant with my best friend. I'm a woman. Yes I'm married, but I'M A WOMAN. Of course I've had all sorts of experiences with all sorts of mean-spirited, heartless men. Of course I've wondered when it would all stop.

This is all the more reason why, I firmly believe within all of my heart that love is not for a selective few but for everyone. Whether you've been heartbroken or not. Whether you're 22 or 92. One of my parent's neighbors is getting married. She's 82. She used to bake cookies every week for the neighborhood but now everyone's complaining because she hasn't baked for months! She doesn't have the time. Her husband's 89 and they're busy hanging out and enjoying each other's company.

Love is absolutely for everyone. And it's wonderful, and beautiful, and amazing, and indescribable. It doesn't come when you want it, or command it to come. It'll come when it's right for you. When God says, okay there you go. Go!

Another thing.

I'm in love with my husband but life doesn't end. That's a misconception. I'd like to correct that misconception. I don't stay at home naked all day with a bouquet of red roses in my hand, while constant deliveries of chocolates and more flowers arrive at our doorstep and we just....revel in love. Day in day out. Yes I'm blessed but now I have to get on with it. Live my life, build our lives, pay rent, save, pay my bills, service my car, dream of holidays we can't afford right now, plan for kids, write exams, work. Finding a mate is just the beginning. Now there's a life to live and it's not for kids.

But I digress.

Love? That's the easy, fun part. I'm more convinced than ever that God didn't create it for just a select few but for everyone. It may not have happened now, but it can. Absolutely.

NB:- I'm sorry for the rant!

Love is NOT for Everyone

I read this statement somewhere recently and it really stuck. For me when I hear someone say "Love is just not for everyone," what I hear is:

"I've given up on love"

"I don't think anyone can possibly love me"

"I don't deserve the romance, attention, devotion that comes from love"

"I'm disappointed and bitter that no one has loved me in that love of ages way yet"

"If true love existed, I would have had someone by now"

And so on. All these phrases are absolutely negative and I think to myself, who in their right mind would even want to TRY being with someone who harboured all these negative thoughts and all this disillusionment. It is completely unattractive. Seriously, anyone thinking these thoughts should just....STOP. Apart from being unattractive it just reeks of desperation and attention seeking. Certainly it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If there was a fly on the wall who could report back about the goings on in our home, there would be many a eye-rolling. Bo and I are so completely in love and we affirm it and share it several times a day. Truly, we are that kind of couple. I am completely, fully, and absolutely crazy in love with my husband.

But get this, I didn't deserve it.

I still don't. I don't even think I did anything extraordinary for love to come into my life and to come in this splendid way. I am completely aware that I am blessed and we both know that a love like this is one written in the stars, one destined for ages. We don't deserve it. But we have it. And I believe God in his infinite mercy and grace, gave it to us. I know God loves us all unconditionally and He GAVE me love. My question is why wouldn't He give anybody else? Why wouldn't He give YOU?

If we come down to earth, the truth is anybody, male or female, is attracted to a confident, stable person who is fun to be around, fun to be with. That's it. No one wants to be with someone who's carrying bitterness, and hurt, and self-loathing around like a backpack. So shed it.

Love is for everyone and can happen for everyone. It's not something for a select special being. It's real and it's as wonderful as you can ever imagine, stop being afraid and be ready to welcome it whenever it shows itself in your life!

Enjoy This Moment

I usually get moments of bursts of spiritual growth. When it happens I tend to be highly aware that I need to constantly pay attention and need to constantly seek God every moment. I'm not sure why this happens to me but it does. I've been experiencing this burst these last few weeks/months.

This particular spurt I think comes from my new sense of orientation, my new world as it may be. I'm after all now a wife. Perhaps soon to be a mother. Most importantly I'm the head of a new household of which I bear responsibility for. There's something in the Bible about a wise woman building up her home but a foolish one tearing it down. I'm aware of the weight of this. I'm trying to build my home, this is a magnificent task when one thinks about it. Finally I can set about the business of life with the love of my partner, this love which truly is the mirror for me to view myself (I of course agree with From Now Till I Do here). I read once a statement from Selwyn Hughes, whom I greatly admire, that marriage is the institution God put in place for us to finally begin to understand His love for us, to finally understand what it means to say "like Christ loved the Church". I get this now. I think it is from this new realization that this growth is spewing forth.

To shorten this post a little, I've been drawn to meditation lately. Not in the strange sense but after my daily exercise routine I just feel a great need to sit down, stretch, and just be still. There a saying in this book I'm reading that resonates with me. It says prayer is our time of communicating with God, talking to him, but meditation is a time to listen. I chose a relaxation method then I'm just quiet...and still. I used to meditate a lot in college but I stopped years ago. The first time I pick it up again a few weeks ago, I sit and just sing my Anglican hymns I can remember in my head. And then I start praying, you know the normal prayers - thanksgiving, acknowledgment and repentence, asking asking asking, prayer for friends & family, thanksgiving, end. I think to myself instead of asking asking asking, I should give too. Give to my Church, give to my neighbours, to strangers, to everyone, just give of myself, of my resources, of my time. I'm going to start adding, God grant me the grace to give of myself freely.

My post today though is that we're always worrying about tomorrow, or about the past. To relate this to Bo & I and our relationship, or our journey, we're always thinking do we have enough to meet our desires to travel, to have children soon, to live comfortably? Or perhaps looking in the past - maybe we should have done things differently, etc. But part of being still, is enjoying the moment, the NOW. Wherever we are in life, we should enjoy it, experience it FULLY. I think as newlyweds, this is very difficult as I think part of our job description is to worry and get caught up in planning for our families, our futures. This I understand, but perhaps for now, for right NOW, we are exactly where God wants us to be, doing what exactly He has prepared for us at this moment. And this is okay. Smell the roses. Yes, there are thorns by the side, but LOOK, you got ROSES sister!

All On Our Own

Our cleaner quit. Not in that respectful, thanks for everything but I'm ready to move on kind of way but in a I'll just not show up and that will tell them I'm not showing up ever again way. Which is awful. Bo and I have always had a cleaner. This guy. He comes in once a week and does a phenomenal and thorough, almost clinical job of cleaning our apartment. He took a break once and we hired a replacement in the meantime and she was horrible. I had dried water droplets on pretty much everything. Our cleaner (I'll call him Oye) came back and all was well with the world. I helped him develop his business ideas and Bo gave him free financial advice. And now he has quit. Without telling us.

I hate domestic staff, i.e maids, maiguards, stewards, drivers, all. Luckily Bo and I agree very much on this so as long as we can't absolutely live our lives without staff, we won't have them. It really isn't about child labour (which is quite frankly a good thing to keep in mind) or any activist reason but I like my personal space and I don't like strange people in it with all the faux bowing madam/servant dynamics. It's just not for me. Also I've decided that I actually don't like or enjoy training any illiterate person. Nothing against them personally but it's just not for me. So we have what's almost a no domestics vow in our household. The only aspect on which we give on this is the cleaner. But the caveat is/was no live-in person, and a very professional service which we got with Oye.

I know many Nigerian ladies equate getting married with being the big madam and you can't be a madam without someone "madame-ing" you. I have a friend who hired a second driver and a maid the second she got engaged (I'm exaggerating on the time but not by much). Yet another who has 2 drivers, a gateman, 2 maids and a nanny living with her and she just got married in March! They have no kids yet and the nanny is in anticipation of her getting pregnant this year. It seems such an odd thing that we as a society so readily accept strangers into our homes, even still when we all have heard all sorts of stories about such strangers. I had a friend who's gateman ran away with all her jewelry and stories are abound. I think to myself of course, they are strangers! They don't know you and you don't really know them. I'll just never understand it. When I have kids, I'm going to try and raise them on my own but of course I know absolutely nothing about that phase of life so who knows, maybe I'll change my mind. I'm determined not to though.

Since Oye left, my babe and I have tried to take on cleaning our apartment as a task. Last week I swept the whole house myself with our local broom and my backsides hurt for days! And Bo is just a Godsend of a husband. He most absolutely holds his own share of the domestic tasks. He probably even does more than me (and always has even with the cleaner). I'm so amazed at him and while I say thank you to him with kisses as he works around the house, I try not to let it show how overly excited I am that my husband is not one of those that leaves their clothes or shoes lying about. So we were kind of cute last weekend dividing up the house tasks. We're so determined to make it work. So he sweeps (he says he prefers sweeping to mopping), he sweeps and I mop. He does our toilet and bath I do the guest toilet and bath, I clean the mirrors in the living room, he cleans the mirrors in the bedroom. He also does dishes every night after I cook, and almost always does the laundry. We're like a little team BoKem! I love my man so much. To me he seems like more man than any other man I know if that makes sense. I think it takes a bigger man to do all those things. It takes a bigger man to step up to the plate with his woman and be her true partner in everything.

Even though we're definitely in the market for a new cleaner, I'm looking forward to us doing this together and figuring out a way to maintain the cleanliness of our home at a standard we want. We're fully on our own, which in Nigeria as a newly married couple, I think is somewhat of a feat.

Ok on a lighter note, my dorky (read I think he's cute lol) hubby just came into the room and said want to hear an investment banking joke?

So imagine you've been working late, you're extremely tired, you barely drag your feet to the station to take the last bus which is full and crowdy. Everyone's quiet and you start to doze off because you're so tired. An older woman walks into the bus and tries to make eye contact with someone who would offer her a seat on the bus, what do you do?

A: Nothing. You're an investment banker, you wouldn't be on a bus!

HA!

Marriage = Happiness & Peace

My hubby is in the study doing a bit of work and I'm in our living room surfing the web, it's quiet outside and in except for the sound of the dryer lulling on and off. I'm happy. I feel at peace with this my home.

Yesterday I had the privilege of having dinner with two of my close girlfriends and by December 2010 all three of us would be married and one would be very close to giving birth to her first child! It was a great dinner and we spent the time chatting about our lives, our loves, our homes, and really some of our hopes for the future. At a table next to us sat four women, perhaps in their late 30s with a few kids at the table, also chatting very vividly with laughs and hugs interspersed, like a later version of our own group. I'm happy. I felt at peace with my experiences this year.

A few days ago, Bo & I went to see the movie Grown Ups with Adam Sandler and some other funny men and while the movie was largely goofy and funny, there was a scene just towards the end when one of the characters says "You know the first half of your life is exciting, it's when you try all the new things, and do all the running around, but the second half...well that's well the magic REALLY happens, that's when you get depth to your life." I looked around the theatre for a moment because it was like whoever wrote that script was stealing from my thoughts. I've always said to Bo that I felt that with my weddings and my marriage I have finally left the first phase of my life and now moving comfortably into the next. Marriage and starting a family comes with it's own completely new set of realities and worries and concerns and joys. So different. I hugged Bo a little tighter in the theatre that night, snuggle in close and I'm happy. I felt at peace with this new phase of my life.

Recently I was discussing with a whole bunch of ladies, some who were just about to get married, some who had already celebrated anniversaries, and some of us who were still green and new. There was a pregnant woman amongst us and she says so when are you and Bo planning to have your first? I look at her and say "I don't know, just not anytime soon" She was taken aback. Another young lady who was getting married in October says , "Oh I know we're like that too we want to wait about six months before trying" and I said well, that sounds great but I think we'll probably wait for a few more years. She says, "Years???". I shrug and answer in the affirmative. The conversation then moves into preparing a woman's body for pregnancy and everyone calmly or kindly shoves me to the corner. Instead of feeling well, shoved aside, I felt free. I felt wonderfully clear-minded. I was happy. I felt at peace with my hubby and I's plan and vision for our family.

If I've learnt anything this year it's to stay true to oneself. There's so much societal noise, and Nigeria certainly a place where there's no qualms about societal pressure to conform, but it is important as ladies for us to find our inner true selves, our own voices, and follow that path and that path alone. If you don't want a large carnival wedding, don't have one REGARDLESS. If you don't feel like you are absolutely ready to push another human being through your female parts and nurse it, then don't do it yet. If you don't feel absolutely overjoyed and excited at the thought of waking up at 90, looking across at your husband, and thanking God that the man next to you is a witness to this crazy journey of life, then don't get married. If you can't find any logical reasoning as to why your name should change simply because you declared your love for another human being, then don't change it. If you don't feel like living in a big house in Lekki with a maid, a cleaner, two drivers, a maiguard, and a load of other strangers that bow to you and call you Madam when you're only 25 then don't.

Those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

At almost six months in, Bo & I and our relationship is no longer about whether we love the other person or whether Bo will propose or not, or whether he'll call or not. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. Dearly. Now the relationship is about building a life. A task that brings me indescribable and immense joy and pleasure. I firmly believe that this is because we are committed to defining ourselves and ourselves within our marriage on our OWN terms.

Hmmpf...

I'm so upset right now.

Just got back from date night and the mister and I just had a mini pow wow. Half way through date night Bo looks at his watch and says "we have to get outta here soon I have some work to do."

I'm upset because date night is date NIGHT. Not date 2 hours, but date NIGHT. I don't care if the Martians have invaded earth and their spaceship has landed at your office, it's date frigging NIGHT. I go a little off and we leave and as soon as we get into the house I hug him close and give him a kiss and say I'm not trying to pressure him but I need him to take this stuff seriously, like hernia/heartattack serious. He says well, he does feel pressured and perhaps he'd just have been better canceling date night today. I go off. again. Then I get frustrated. Now I'm in bed with the lights off blogging about how frustrated I am.

Hmmpf. Deep breath.

You see, marriage is this thing that you create out of your own two hands, out of nothing, out of the air! Forget all that love stuff, that's just the beginning. But marriage? You have to keep working at it and creating and building and molding. I want so very much to say "well fine then, how about NO date night? I too have things to do with my time..." but rather than that I have to work through this stuff so we can come out stronger on the other side.

*****UPDATE******

I'm so happy that my blog friends are smart intelligent women (or men who knows!). I'm completely fine now, it was just one of those normal marriage things but I want to share both ups and downs. Also it's quite therapeutic to blog. I tried commenting this morning but blogger was acting up, I see I have a few more comments now so I'll go back to read.

Well, never go to sleep upset is what they say so I put my "anger" aside and just made sure I had a great night's rest. This morning we discussed a bit more and Bo says he understands better now where I'm coming from. Our communication process is so weird I think. It usually goes like this, I (or he) voice my feelings, I ask how he feels about what I've said, he responses and asks if I understand what he has said, I repeat what I've said and what he's said. And then I ask if he has anything he wants to say, am I being fair? He responds. Then kiss and make up, lol. Then I ask what he's thinking even though I know he needs sometime to process the conversation, he says nothing just letting everything sink in. I leave it then a couple of days later he'll randomly come to me and say you know, that thing we were talking about I think XYZ. Whew.

I'm okay. The date night journey continues! I bet you some day our kids are going to roll their eyes about date night and not know it was turbulent in the start lol!

Then Comes Kemi In A Baby Carriage?

So inevitably the topic comes up.

Bolaji and I have a funny history when it comes to babies. When we first started dating, Bolaji did NOT see himself as being married at all and definitely did not see himself having kids. In fact he actually told me that he rather saw himself living a quiet life with his girlfriend, traveling and experiencing life, just the two of them forever. Most girls would have run but I was a bit strange too. While I always thought I would indeed get married, it was all something that "other people" do and not me. For as long as I can remember too I've told all my closest friends that I wasn't too sure of the baby thing and I would really consider trying surrogacy. This was before surrogacy was even cool, or in any case as acceptable as it is now. One of my college friends even stopped speaking to me for so long after I mentioned that I thought all pregnant women should have a home (Sorry to my pregnant blog friends, trust me, BELIEVE me at this point in my life I realize how....silly that statement was/is). So when my boyfriend tells me that he doesn't really see himself having kids, it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

As we started to plan our lives together though things started to change little by little. Of course we started to discuss if we REALLY wanted to have kids and how many we’d like. Imagine my shock when my darling fiancé (at the time) says he wants 3 children! I said I wanted 2 and I still do and I feel very strongly about that but what a jump for Mr. I-Don’t-See-Myself-Having-Kids. Maybe it was always all or nothing for him. We also talked about when in our marriage we’d like to start having children. We both agreed that we’d like to wait for a bit. In fact we even decided on a particular year and locked the conversation away. Done. Right?

Well not so fast. To be honest I’m not quite sure who changed first. If you will recall I’m thinking of going back to grad school to do yet another degree. I think that’s where the turnaround started. Do I become pregnant before, during, or after this program? What was the best choice? Instinctively it sounds better after grad school but at that time I will either be looking for a job or just starting a new job in a new field so that can’t be a good time for kids. But then you throw in age into the equation and things get even more complicated. If I wait until after grad school and a few years of employment I would be well in my mid-thirties and with my reproductive issue, would we just be creating headaches for ourselves in the future? I even started to read about pregnant grads (and believe me there’s a lot on this topic if you google). Somewhere in between all this thinking I started to think well perhaps… now? Then I’d get scared about the whole prospect and think, nah. I can see Bolaji is going through the same thing too. We currently use contraceptive methods and randomly he says to me, “why don’t we stop?” I remind him that he doesn’t want kids right now and he just snaps out of it. Lol. Now we went to a cousin’s naming ceremony this past weekend and it was so cute to see Bolaji. He was afraid to carry the baby and I had to basically force her into his arms and then all he could say literally for 10 mins was “Wow”, “Wow.” He was blown away by life. And then my cousin and his wife told us the entire birth story (they’re first time parents) and we laughed and joked and had a good time but I think for both of us, it just made it more real. Like, oh my gosh are we going to have to go through this too? My cousin and his wife earn less than we do as an income and they seem fine so perhaps financial stability is not that prohibitive? Or we start thinking maybe you are never too ready anyway.

On the other hand I think of one of my favorite blogs From Marriage to Motherhood, and they seem like they are so well planned out. They seem to have planned having a baby and just seem better, calmer, and well-adjusted to the new addition. I think Bolaji and I just really want our family to be planned, to be able to provide for our kids at the level we want, we want to be ready financially and emotionally. Sometimes I feel I really really want one now, other times I think I don't even mind if we never have any (God forbid we be infertile which is different from simply deciding not to have). Either way for now, we wait.



One of our favorite movies that deals with the cycle, sacrifices, and joys of family life is Marley and Me. Bolaji and I watch that move over and over again. It chronicles the life of a couple as boyfriend/girlfriend to affianced, to newlywed, to parents, all while touching on the different issues, joys, and challenges that could go on at each stage. I think we also try and learn from it too. Planning is important and can avoid a lot of stressors but one just has to keep in mind that things will never be perfect too.

This story continues.